(no subject)
Dear Dad,
Im never good at beginings of letters, infact Im quite terrible at them. Well what can I say that you dont already know.
We havent had that great of a relationship, but at the same time were growing substancially closer each time we see eachother. However, there are a few areas of concern I have, in which i think you are intitled to be aware of in order for us to have a functioning father-daughter relationship.
I dont love you. It kills me to tell you that i do when i honestly dont. I feel so ashamed of myself when I say "i love you too" because that is a bold faced lie. You're still really a stranger to me, and its going to take some time, a few months, maybe a few years, for me to tell you that I love you and actually mean it.
You have to understand though, that this is not me trying to make you ashamed of what happened in the past. What happened to you, and to all of us for that matter is something horrible, but at the same time, resulted in us growing into 4 strong individuals, and for that i would go through all the pain we endured all over again. But one thing you have to understand is that the 13 years you were gone, were 13 very significant years of my life. I cant erase that, I cant pretend that they dont exsist and JUST focus on us now, because my past is important to me. and unfortunately you were absent for most of it.
I want to talk about what happened to us. I dont want to make you uncomfortable when I talk about it. but its something i feel like we should talk about, and not just pretend like it didnt happen.
I want you to know that i forgive you. I forgive you for drinking. I forgive you for lying. I forgive you for stealing. I forgive you for cheating on my mom. I forgive you not being there. I forgive you for the abuse. I forgive you for all of it. I wont pretend like none of this happened, and dont think this is some sort of "get out of jail free card" because its not. I still recognize what you did, but I forgive it, However sometimes I feel like you havent yet forgiven yourself for it, which is something i think you need to address on you own.
A few checks here and there do help, but only involving my physical well being. Theres been a significant amount of emotional damage to be repaired, some unfortunately will not be fully repaired at any given point in my entire life. I dont want you to blame yourself, only blame what you did for this, and the given circumstances at the time.
I need to talk to you more. this is something i struggle with alot because theres still a substancial amount of awkwardness when im with you alone. I guess this is something that will eventually pass with time and effort to get to know you. Its something im willing to work on, because i want a functioning relationship with you. Its something very important to me. because youre my father, and even though i dont neccesarily love you yet, i do care about you, and I care about my relationship with you.
These are things I felt neccessary to tell you, None of the things said were meant to antagonize or blame you for anything that happened. More to motivate you, and try to bring out some areas that are hard for me to talk about, yet critical in order for this to work out between us. I want you to know that anything Ive said thus far whether it hurt you in any way or not, was only said because I care about you.
Sincerely yours,
Your Daughter Meg