The show must go on
Geoff left Thursday morning for Texas. It hasn't even been two days, and I feel like somebody tore a huge chunk out of me. It's weird, we started off as just good friends. No attachments, no commitment, because both of us knew we were bad at these things, and that he'd leave long before I would....but we screwed up. Somewhere along the way we grew closer than either of us had intended to. It was wonderful, having somebody you care about so much care for you as well. But I fell....and I swore I wouldn't.... I'm bad at this. When it comes to relationships, the case tends to be that whoever I'm with cares about me more than I care about them, and they end up getting hurt. The problem this time lies in that I care about him so much that I can't imagine him being able to care about me more. Yes, I am aware that this doesn't sound like too much of a dilemma, but the thing is, I'm afraid that the tables have finally turned. Karma will come back to bite me in the ass, and Geoff will find somebody much cuter, smarter, and more his type in Texas. I will be the one left to pick up the broken pieces of myself. I almost had myself convinced that I didn't mean anything to him, too, but he straight told me that he got more attached to me than he thought. We both did it, and now we're in different states. I don't know when, or if, I'll ever see him again. I got so accustomed to his presence, spending weekends with him, getting good night kisses, and it's all been ripped away in a matter of weeks. Granted, things could be worse. He could have just ended it when he left. We could have gone on without telling the other how we felt. I could have never met him at all.
I'm lucky to have Cooper here with me. Her other half left the same time Geoff did, in the same cab. We cried on my bed together, and have been each other's support, telling stories, dispelling any bad feelings we might have about how the men are getting along without us. It's instinct to assume the worse, but that's not exactly beneficial to one's mental health. I need to learn to be optimistic, and yet still realistic, when it comes to men. With Rob, I was too optimistic, and ignored my gut feeling. With Geoff, I started out denying any feelings I thought he might have for me, even when they were obvious, and that caused problems. But I can communicate with him now, which is quite the step for me, as I have a great deal of trouble communicating my feelings to anybody. He's taught me to open up, express myself, and work to better myself for my own sake, and not anybody elses. If nothing else, I have all of that. I still miss him, though. It's hard not to. He became my best friend before anything, and anybody who's lost a best friend knows that it's like losing a part of yourself. I'll survive, though. Life goes on, as does school, and so I must press through this as well.
I have so much more to say, but the exhaustion, physical, emotional, and otherwise, is overwhelming. I love you all, and if you've actually made it to the end of this post, thank you for caring enough. I wrote a fair deal more than I had intended to. I feel like I am drowning in a whirlpool of conflicting emotions. Hopefully my mind can work through some of them as I sleep. Again, my love to all of you, and good night. /hugs