(no subject)
I'm getting a little more comfortable with my tablet and with photoshop elements.
I badly need at least my bangs cut.
My Hallowe'en costume hasn't showed up yet. Oh well, it's not quite time to worry yet.
My feelings for Toby cut in and out. I don't know whether to be greatful or not... when they cut in it usually means it hurts, but when they're not I get scared my feelings for him aren't what I thought they were (i.e. there).
Sometimes I wonder if I'm deluding myself. If my feelings for him are based on fantasy, no matter how painful they are. I'm pretty sure we could at least be good friends after voice-chatting with him some, and I find him handsome but... could I really go to him? Could I really leave everyone and all the familiar things I cherish behind?
...I know it's silly to worry about. Especially since it's years off. Our feelings will likely only deepen over time. I don't know... I know they're partially feelings of stuff I'm imagining in my own mind. I know there's a lot of blanks to be filled in.
Go to Wales and be with him. Be a real "us". It scares the crap out of me to think about, but I know I want to. I just don't know if I could stay.
I have come to realize from my behaviour the past couple of months that I was kidding myself about being ok with being alone. I'm still alright with not dating.
Well, except for the things and places I want to see and do with Toby, but I usually don't let myself think about it.
From my behaviour it's obvious that I needed attention and didn't want to be alone. I didn't ''settle'' for Toby, I fell helplessly for him. I was just kidding myself about not wanting to be with someone, that's what bothers me. That I can still be so blind to my needs and wants, even when they're staring me in the face with enough intensity to burn a hole through my head.
I was denying that I wanted to be loved. Worse, I was denying that there was even anything there to deny about.... If that makes sense.
I've been so busy these past few years, running and hiding from pain. Not feeling anything that would mean I could be open to getting more of it if I could help it. Distracting myself with sex and the lure and promise of intimacy, of closeness without fresh pain or putting myself at risk.
Trying to coax emulations of love and openess from my best friend with sex. Trying to use him to stave off the hurt, although that just added to it.
Despite all this evidence, I've been in denial on the matter since April of 2004. Am I really that weak? Have I made such little progress that I still hide so much from myself so I won't have to deal with it?
The anwser seems to be a resounding yes. A screaming from the rooftops yes, a jumping up and down on the bell pull for the church tower yes, a just won the fucking lottery level of YES.
You think a fucking onion's got layers? I've got so many I don't even remember growing them to know they're THERE.
I know it's ostensibly for my own good. So I can function. So I don't go insane. But it drives me a little crazy, not knowing just how deep the well goes. Not knowing where bottom is. Not knowing who or what Karla really is. Not knowing if I can love or accept her so I can believe Toby can, too.
I'm the fucking GeoFront and the world is Ramiel. Suck it, bitches.
I badly need at least my bangs cut.
My Hallowe'en costume hasn't showed up yet. Oh well, it's not quite time to worry yet.
My feelings for Toby cut in and out. I don't know whether to be greatful or not... when they cut in it usually means it hurts, but when they're not I get scared my feelings for him aren't what I thought they were (i.e. there).
Sometimes I wonder if I'm deluding myself. If my feelings for him are based on fantasy, no matter how painful they are. I'm pretty sure we could at least be good friends after voice-chatting with him some, and I find him handsome but... could I really go to him? Could I really leave everyone and all the familiar things I cherish behind?
...I know it's silly to worry about. Especially since it's years off. Our feelings will likely only deepen over time. I don't know... I know they're partially feelings of stuff I'm imagining in my own mind. I know there's a lot of blanks to be filled in.
Go to Wales and be with him. Be a real "us". It scares the crap out of me to think about, but I know I want to. I just don't know if I could stay.
I have come to realize from my behaviour the past couple of months that I was kidding myself about being ok with being alone. I'm still alright with not dating.
Well, except for the things and places I want to see and do with Toby, but I usually don't let myself think about it.
From my behaviour it's obvious that I needed attention and didn't want to be alone. I didn't ''settle'' for Toby, I fell helplessly for him. I was just kidding myself about not wanting to be with someone, that's what bothers me. That I can still be so blind to my needs and wants, even when they're staring me in the face with enough intensity to burn a hole through my head.
I was denying that I wanted to be loved. Worse, I was denying that there was even anything there to deny about.... If that makes sense.
I've been so busy these past few years, running and hiding from pain. Not feeling anything that would mean I could be open to getting more of it if I could help it. Distracting myself with sex and the lure and promise of intimacy, of closeness without fresh pain or putting myself at risk.
Trying to coax emulations of love and openess from my best friend with sex. Trying to use him to stave off the hurt, although that just added to it.
Despite all this evidence, I've been in denial on the matter since April of 2004. Am I really that weak? Have I made such little progress that I still hide so much from myself so I won't have to deal with it?
The anwser seems to be a resounding yes. A screaming from the rooftops yes, a jumping up and down on the bell pull for the church tower yes, a just won the fucking lottery level of YES.
You think a fucking onion's got layers? I've got so many I don't even remember growing them to know they're THERE.
I know it's ostensibly for my own good. So I can function. So I don't go insane. But it drives me a little crazy, not knowing just how deep the well goes. Not knowing where bottom is. Not knowing who or what Karla really is. Not knowing if I can love or accept her so I can believe Toby can, too.
I'm the fucking GeoFront and the world is Ramiel. Suck it, bitches.