the story
damn. life is down. life sucks. id even go far enuff to tell you that maybe i have regrets. yes, i know, REGRET. the dirty "r" word. I think the think that i regret the most wud be me not telling mark that he was hott the first time i saw him.
I hate regret. it eats you. just takes bites, just huge chunks out of your heart. i can feel it. just sucking up all the self confidence. all pride. all feeling of good. any good inclination is just devowered; chewed up, swallowed, digested, spit up, just to be cleaned up with a paper towel, flushed, and finally rot in the sewers forever. or at least until the world explodes. then i suppose that it would float around in space forever. unless, of course the universe exploded. i think you get it. whatever. its not worth thinking about. none of this is. maybe nothing is ever worth thinking about. but people suck and they are stupid. cigarettes arent worth smoking, but everyone still smokes anyways. maybe writing will clear my thoughts so i dont have to think about it anymore. lets see where to start...
GREASE
what an incredible experience. it makes me smile. god i love it. = ). so i heard on the tv production announcements for my shcool that comes on everyday in second block, which happened to be english 2 hon., with mandel... WHO I HATE! so one day they said that grease try outs were the following day. sounds good to me. so i learn that i have to dance, sing and read a monolog. now, previously, i had made the gator sensation hip hop dance team for the second year. this interfered with try out dates. me and 3 other girls on the team wanted to rty out. dellie, lauren and nessa. so mr c, the drama teacher, let us come and try out ont he call back day because we were automatically making the show for at least dancers. so anyways, we went to try out. we skipped the dance try out, and we had to sing happy birthday to mr c for our singing try outs. i sang decently, nessa very sexy and called mr c mr president like marilyn monroe did for president kennedy on his birthday. and dellie and lauren used to sing in chorus. need i say more? so a few days later they posted the lists for who made it and what parts they got. we all made it. so then practice started. this also interfered with sensation dance so we rarely made practice. they just assumed that we'd pick up the coriography ((sp??) alrite considering that we are dancers. everyone thought we were special or something because we never had to come or we were just walking in late and not getting in trouble. so one tuesday, a day we didnt have practice, i was there. i saw this one kid. OMG!! DROP DEAD GORGEOUS!! so of course, me being me, i ease drop his converstation with some kids and hope to be able to join in. so there were talking about calone. he siad that he wears curve. "thats my favorite" i said. he smiled. i was in.
his lips, his eyes. omg!! and he has really long eye lashes. they are hott. and omg deep voice. one of the deepest ive ever heard. im not sure if hes taken. its too soon to ask. fuck! so he was with his friend, who i didnt know at the time, at the time, he was nabeel ((now camie))... good looking, cool and middle eastern. he is kenickie. The kid i am digging got sonny. so this girl jessica, who i HATE WITH AN UNDIEING PASSION, started talking to him. SUCKS! she is sooo gross... and fake... and she never washes her hair... and she tries to be cool... and she is a lesbian... or maybe not, she is jahovah's witness and she never gets laid... so i think she get with girls due to frustration or soemthing. dunno? i heard she lost her physical virginity to a really big tampon... whatever. so ANYWAYS... sonny wasnt digging her. she sneezed. it was a wierd one... like "pip, pip, pip, PIP, PIP, PIP...!! ...........
CHOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he gave her a face that looked like he was discusted. then omg... i had to sneeze. what a time?! god my body is not good to me. well it came... it was normal.. i actually thought it was cute... he smiled at me... i guess he thought so too... = D
so time went by. of course i tried to get every glimpse of him that i cud. but other then that, he made no moves and nothing happened. so one day i was sitting in pre cal next to luis. we were passing notes like we do everyday. i told him that i thought mark ((sonny)) was hott... half kidding... well not kidding. but making sure that i cud play it off as a joke if i saw the need for it. lluis told me that he would nonchalontly talk to him. that same day he asked mark that he thought of me because he had heard rumors of me digging him. mark told him in reply that he thought i was really hott and he had been wanting to talk to me. SCORE!!
I met shelb and ali in grease. they both had the same part. shelb is just like my old friend sam. so mark had been taking her home lately and we had this thing worked out that at the end of the day before we went home, wed yell out who got closer to him each day by calling who has the "tag" today. so finally, one nite, i asked mark for a ride home, the day before luis had talked to him. he told me that he was really sorry, but he didnt have his car with him today. whatever. i tried. i had finally worked up enuff courage; and then nothing. so luis was running back and fourth asking each of us questions about eachother the day after i had asked mark for a ride. god i love luis. <3 he worked out a ride and told me that mark was planning on kissing me that nite before he dropped me off. eeeee!!!! the excitement!!!!
so we ate together.. me and mark i mean. and we talked. then he carried me back to the practice. is was a piggy back ride. on the way he was telling me about how he felt good because he had a hott girl on his back. i played stupid and pretended that i didnt hear it. "huh?" i said. "you have beautiful eyes" i think time just stopped and i just melted. so that nite he took me home. met the parents. i walked him out. we kissed. i melted again. this relationship was made completely out of melting and time stopping. or at least wanting the time to stop so that you can be in that moment and feel that way forever, and ever, and ever.
that was during the week. later that week, we went for a movie. at first it was sour. we cuddnt see a whole movie due to curfew. then there were no movies at that time. so we fought. he gave me a dirty face. i wound up telling him that i didnt like his face... refering to the face he gave me of course... no one cud ever not like his real face... and he told me that he likes mine and that happened to be why he was doing this. ::melt::... we wound up making out to bits and pieces or the movie "ray". that sunday we decided that we were going steady. not going out. only because he didnt like the title due to a past girl friend in another state. that wednesday was opening nite. so afterward we decided that we had to celebrate. we went to mark's pool. it was cool. it was me, mark, shelby, ali, aaron, ao and danny. mark and i spent quality time together. <3
so the relationship was great, just amazing. all of it. thursday, no school. we went to the beach, me mark shelb ali and aaron. great time. then back to mark's after. just me and him... tons of fun. then back to do another grease show. this went on for about a good week and a half. then we went to chili's and week and a day after the beach. something happened. something went sour. after that, it was never the same. i cried the whole way home from chili's. the following wednesday he broke up with me. i was on good terms and he promised friendship... i dunno... the promise didnt last. i still dont know if we are friends. it will be a month in a couple weeks. ive been though an entire group of friends, parties, a partner, a love interest, getting hurt, and no... im still not over it. im not. i just wish i was back in that moment that we first kissed. id live there forever if i could.
so the self confidence has suffered a hard blow and so has the stability level. i still come home and have to search in the mirror for who i am. make sure that im still there. i stare back at myself at all of my imperfection... but despite everything i know that im there and that ill be ok. everything will be fine and that i will get over him and i prolly wont even remember him when i am 30. or maybe i will... maybe i will still want to live in that one moment when i am 30... who knows...
i just wish i knew how you feel mark...
do you regret?
I hate regret. it eats you. just takes bites, just huge chunks out of your heart. i can feel it. just sucking up all the self confidence. all pride. all feeling of good. any good inclination is just devowered; chewed up, swallowed, digested, spit up, just to be cleaned up with a paper towel, flushed, and finally rot in the sewers forever. or at least until the world explodes. then i suppose that it would float around in space forever. unless, of course the universe exploded. i think you get it. whatever. its not worth thinking about. none of this is. maybe nothing is ever worth thinking about. but people suck and they are stupid. cigarettes arent worth smoking, but everyone still smokes anyways. maybe writing will clear my thoughts so i dont have to think about it anymore. lets see where to start...
GREASE
what an incredible experience. it makes me smile. god i love it. = ). so i heard on the tv production announcements for my shcool that comes on everyday in second block, which happened to be english 2 hon., with mandel... WHO I HATE! so one day they said that grease try outs were the following day. sounds good to me. so i learn that i have to dance, sing and read a monolog. now, previously, i had made the gator sensation hip hop dance team for the second year. this interfered with try out dates. me and 3 other girls on the team wanted to rty out. dellie, lauren and nessa. so mr c, the drama teacher, let us come and try out ont he call back day because we were automatically making the show for at least dancers. so anyways, we went to try out. we skipped the dance try out, and we had to sing happy birthday to mr c for our singing try outs. i sang decently, nessa very sexy and called mr c mr president like marilyn monroe did for president kennedy on his birthday. and dellie and lauren used to sing in chorus. need i say more? so a few days later they posted the lists for who made it and what parts they got. we all made it. so then practice started. this also interfered with sensation dance so we rarely made practice. they just assumed that we'd pick up the coriography ((sp??) alrite considering that we are dancers. everyone thought we were special or something because we never had to come or we were just walking in late and not getting in trouble. so one tuesday, a day we didnt have practice, i was there. i saw this one kid. OMG!! DROP DEAD GORGEOUS!! so of course, me being me, i ease drop his converstation with some kids and hope to be able to join in. so there were talking about calone. he siad that he wears curve. "thats my favorite" i said. he smiled. i was in.
his lips, his eyes. omg!! and he has really long eye lashes. they are hott. and omg deep voice. one of the deepest ive ever heard. im not sure if hes taken. its too soon to ask. fuck! so he was with his friend, who i didnt know at the time, at the time, he was nabeel ((now camie))... good looking, cool and middle eastern. he is kenickie. The kid i am digging got sonny. so this girl jessica, who i HATE WITH AN UNDIEING PASSION, started talking to him. SUCKS! she is sooo gross... and fake... and she never washes her hair... and she tries to be cool... and she is a lesbian... or maybe not, she is jahovah's witness and she never gets laid... so i think she get with girls due to frustration or soemthing. dunno? i heard she lost her physical virginity to a really big tampon... whatever. so ANYWAYS... sonny wasnt digging her. she sneezed. it was a wierd one... like "pip, pip, pip, PIP, PIP, PIP...!! ...........
CHOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he gave her a face that looked like he was discusted. then omg... i had to sneeze. what a time?! god my body is not good to me. well it came... it was normal.. i actually thought it was cute... he smiled at me... i guess he thought so too... = D
so time went by. of course i tried to get every glimpse of him that i cud. but other then that, he made no moves and nothing happened. so one day i was sitting in pre cal next to luis. we were passing notes like we do everyday. i told him that i thought mark ((sonny)) was hott... half kidding... well not kidding. but making sure that i cud play it off as a joke if i saw the need for it. lluis told me that he would nonchalontly talk to him. that same day he asked mark that he thought of me because he had heard rumors of me digging him. mark told him in reply that he thought i was really hott and he had been wanting to talk to me. SCORE!!
I met shelb and ali in grease. they both had the same part. shelb is just like my old friend sam. so mark had been taking her home lately and we had this thing worked out that at the end of the day before we went home, wed yell out who got closer to him each day by calling who has the "tag" today. so finally, one nite, i asked mark for a ride home, the day before luis had talked to him. he told me that he was really sorry, but he didnt have his car with him today. whatever. i tried. i had finally worked up enuff courage; and then nothing. so luis was running back and fourth asking each of us questions about eachother the day after i had asked mark for a ride. god i love luis. <3 he worked out a ride and told me that mark was planning on kissing me that nite before he dropped me off. eeeee!!!! the excitement!!!!
so we ate together.. me and mark i mean. and we talked. then he carried me back to the practice. is was a piggy back ride. on the way he was telling me about how he felt good because he had a hott girl on his back. i played stupid and pretended that i didnt hear it. "huh?" i said. "you have beautiful eyes" i think time just stopped and i just melted. so that nite he took me home. met the parents. i walked him out. we kissed. i melted again. this relationship was made completely out of melting and time stopping. or at least wanting the time to stop so that you can be in that moment and feel that way forever, and ever, and ever.
that was during the week. later that week, we went for a movie. at first it was sour. we cuddnt see a whole movie due to curfew. then there were no movies at that time. so we fought. he gave me a dirty face. i wound up telling him that i didnt like his face... refering to the face he gave me of course... no one cud ever not like his real face... and he told me that he likes mine and that happened to be why he was doing this. ::melt::... we wound up making out to bits and pieces or the movie "ray". that sunday we decided that we were going steady. not going out. only because he didnt like the title due to a past girl friend in another state. that wednesday was opening nite. so afterward we decided that we had to celebrate. we went to mark's pool. it was cool. it was me, mark, shelby, ali, aaron, ao and danny. mark and i spent quality time together. <3
so the relationship was great, just amazing. all of it. thursday, no school. we went to the beach, me mark shelb ali and aaron. great time. then back to mark's after. just me and him... tons of fun. then back to do another grease show. this went on for about a good week and a half. then we went to chili's and week and a day after the beach. something happened. something went sour. after that, it was never the same. i cried the whole way home from chili's. the following wednesday he broke up with me. i was on good terms and he promised friendship... i dunno... the promise didnt last. i still dont know if we are friends. it will be a month in a couple weeks. ive been though an entire group of friends, parties, a partner, a love interest, getting hurt, and no... im still not over it. im not. i just wish i was back in that moment that we first kissed. id live there forever if i could.
so the self confidence has suffered a hard blow and so has the stability level. i still come home and have to search in the mirror for who i am. make sure that im still there. i stare back at myself at all of my imperfection... but despite everything i know that im there and that ill be ok. everything will be fine and that i will get over him and i prolly wont even remember him when i am 30. or maybe i will... maybe i will still want to live in that one moment when i am 30... who knows...
i just wish i knew how you feel mark...
do you regret?