back in action

[l0vexmexforxme]

sooooo. last night mark sultan called to catch up. i wound up reading him the grease story off this livejournal. i miss writing here. and i wish i had the memories from when i stopped writing. so now im going to start again, or hopefully at least.

getting to know old friends is way more fun than meeting new ones.

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[l0vexmexforxme]

jan 8, 2005. but i edited it last night. its a pretty good story, but my grammar and spelling was horrific. its more about mark than grease though. ill copy and paste the edited version in a few pieces. its almost identical. i didnt take anything out. but if you want the one with the "OMG"s and the everyday speach lingo, its on 1/8/05. love you. call me.

The Story.

Damn, life is down and life sucks. I’d even go far enough to tell you that maybe I have regrets. Yes, I know, REGRET: the dirty "R" word. I’d say that the thing that I regret the most would be neglecting to tell Mark that I thought he was hot, the first time I saw him.

I hate regret. It eats at you. Just takes bites; just huge chunks out of your heart. I can feel it just sucking up all the self-confidence, all pride, all feeling of good. Any good inclination is just devoured; chewed up, swallowed, digested, spit up, just to be cleaned up with a paper towel, flushed, and then finally rot in the sewers forever. Or at least until the world explodes. Then I suppose that it would float around in space forever. Unless, of course, the universe exploded. I think you get it. It’s not worth thinking about. None of this is. Maybe nothing is ever worth thinking about, but people suck and they’re stupid. Cigarettes aren’t worth smoking, but everyone still smokes them anyway. Maybe writing will clear my thoughts so I don’t have to think about it anymore. Lets see, where to start?

GREASE

What an incredible experience. Every time I think about it, it makes me smile. God, I love it.

The story begins sitting in English 2 Honors, with Mrs. Mandel (who I happen to hate), when the TV production announcements for my school came on. They said that the school play, Grease, tryouts were the following day. “Sounds good to me”, I thought to myself. So I learned that I have to dance, sing and read a monolog in order to try out. Now, previously, I had made the Gator Sensation hip-hop dance team for the second year. The practices for the team interfered with the scheduled try out dates. Me and three other girls on the team, Dellie, Lauren and Nessa, wanted to try out for the play. So, in order to accommodate us, Mr. C, the drama teacher, let us come and try out on the call back day because he decided that we would automatically make the show, even if for nothing more than background dancers. So anyway, we went to try out on the call back day. We skipped the dance try out and went straight to singing. We had to sing happy birthday to Mr. C for evaluation for a singing part. I sang decently first. Then Nessa sang very sexy and called Mr. C Mr. President like Marilyn Monroe did for President Kennedy on his birthday. Dellie and Lauren used to sing in chorus. Need I say more? So a few days later they posted the lists for who made it and the part they would play. We all had made it.

So then practice started. The practices for the play also interfered with dance practice so we rarely made Grease practice. They director just assumed that we'd pick up the choreography quickly considering that we were dancers. Everyone thought we were special because either we wouldn’t come or we would walk in late and we wouldn’t get in trouble. So one Tuesday, a day we didn’t have dance practice, I was there. I saw this one kid. Totally drop dead gorgeous! So of course, me being myself, I ease drop in the conversation he is having with some kids and hope to be able to join in. They were talking about cologne. He said that he wears curve. "That’s my favorite,” I said. He smiled. I was in.

[l0vexmexforxme]

His lips, his eyes, and his really long eyelashes: they’re all really hot. And his sexy deep voice; one of the deepest I've ever heard. I'm not sure if he’s taken. It’s too soon to ask. And he was with his friend, Nabeel, who I didn’t know at the time, anyway. Nabeel, now Camie, was good looking, seemingly cool and Middle Eastern. He was playing the role of Kenickie. The kid I am digging got Sonny. So, Jessica, another girl in the play who I happen to hate with an undying passion, started talking to him. Sucks! She is so gross, fake, and she never washes her hair. She tries to be cool, and she makes herself off to be a confused slutty lesbian. Maybe she isn’t. She is a Jehovah’s Witness and she never gets laid, so I think she get with girls due to frustration or something. I don’t know. I heard she lost her physical virginity to a really big tampon. Anyway, Sonny wasn’t digging her. Especially after she sneezed. It was a weird one. Like "pip, pip, pip, PIP, PIP, PIP!! CHOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He gave her a face afterward that looked like he was really disgusted. Then, just my luck, I had to sneeze. What a time to have to sneeze?! God my body is not good to me. Well it came, and it was normal. I actually thought it was cute. He smiled at me. I guess he thought so too.

So time went by. Of course I tried to get every glimpse of him that I could. But other then that, he made no moves and nothing happened.

I met Shelby and Ali in Grease. They were both background dancers as well. Shelby reminded me so much of my old friend Sam. Mark had been taking her home lately because they lived in the same neighborhood. We had this sort of game worked out for the end of the day before we went home. We both had small crushes on Mark, but we had decided that we would let him decide who he liked without saying anything to him about it. At the end of each day, as we’d leave, we’d yell out who got closer to him each day by calling who has the "tag" today. So finally, one night, I gathered up enough guts to ask Mark for a ride home. He told me that he was really sorry, but he didn’t have his car with him that day. Whatever, I tried. I had finally worked up enough courage, and then nothing.

Then one day I was sitting in my fourth block class, Pre Calculus, next to Luis. We were passing notes like we do everyday. I told him that I thought Sonny, who I found out was actually named Mark, was hot, half kidding. Well, not kidding. But making sure that I could play it off as a joke if I saw the need for it. Luis told me that he would nonchalantly talk to him. That same day he told Mark that he had heard rumors of me digging him and then asked Mark what he thought of me. Mark told him in reply that he thought I was really hot and he had wanted to talk to me. SCORE!!

So Luis continued running back and fourth asking each of us questions about each other the day after I had asked Mark for a ride. God I love Luis. He worked out a ride and told me that Mark was planning on kissing me that night before he dropped me off. Oh my, the excitement!!!!

[l0vexmexforxme]

So we ate together; Mark and I did, I mean. And we talked. We were outside on the benches by ourselves. Once we were done, he carried me back to practice. It was a piggyback ride. On the way he was telling me about how he felt good because he had a hot girl on his back. I played stupid and pretended that I didn’t hear it. "Huh?" I said. "You have beautiful eyes." I think time just stopped and I melted.

That night he took me home. He met the parents and the spoke about politics. They seemed to like him. I walked him out. We kissed. I melted again. This relationship was made completely out of melting and time stopping; or at least wanting the time to stop so that you can be in that moment and feel that way forever, and ever, and ever.

Later that week, we went for a movie. It started off sour. We couldn’t see a whole movie due to my curfew. Then there were no movies at that time, so we fought. He gave me a dirty face so I told him that I didn’t like his face, referring to the face he gave me of course. No one could ever dislike his real face. He told me that he likes mine and that happened to be why he was doing this. I melted again. We wound up making out to bits and pieces or the movie "Ray".

That Sunday we decided that we were going steady. Not going out, only because he didn’t like the title due to a past girl friend in another state. That Wednesday was opening night. So afterward, we decided that we had to celebrate. We went to Mark's pool. It was cool. It was me, Mark, Shelby, Ali, Aaron, AO and Danny. Mark and I spent quality time together. By the end of the night we decided we were going out, not just “going steady”.

The relationship was great. It was just amazing: all of it. On Thursday, we didn’t have school. Mark, Shelby, Ali, Aaron, and I decided to go the beach. We had a great time. Then we went back to Mark's after: just him and I and tons of fun. Then back to do another Grease show. This went on for about a good week and a half.

Then, a week and a day after the beach, we went to Chili's. Something happened, something went sour. After that, it was never the same. I cried the whole way home from Chili's. The following Wednesday he broke up with me. It was on good terms, or at least as good of terms you can break up on, and he promised friendship. But the promise didn’t last. I still don’t know if we’re friends.

It will be a month in a couple weeks. I've been though an entire group of friends, many parties, a partner, a love interest, getting hurt, and no; I'm still not over it. I'm not. I just wish I were back in that moment that we first kissed. I'd live there forever if I could.

So the self-confidence has suffered a hard blow and so has the stability level. I still come home and have to search for myself in the mirror, just to make sure that I'm still there. I stare back at myself in all of my imperfection. But despite everything, I know that I am there and that I will be ok. Everything will be fine and I will get over him. I know that I probably won’t even remember him when I’m 30. Or maybe I will. Maybe I will still want to live in that one moment when I am 30. Who knows?

I just wish I knew how you feel Mark. Do you regret?