(no subject)
why do i have to have the ability to ruin the things that are best for me? it's a curse. it's like i can't allow myself to be completely happy. once i get close to it, i want so much more .. and then i end up losing it all. i really care about him, i love him .. and i know he feels the same.. but i have to push for more.. i have to find out exactly where it stands.. and i end up pushing him away b/c i was WAY too blunt about it. it's been a while since i cried over a guy like this... it makes me feel so weak, but it also makes me realize how much i really do care.. if i didn't, i wouldn't be like this right now. i'm a freaking mess.. and the one person i want to run to is him.
it's all my fault too. i'm the type of person that needs to know exactly what's going on.. so i asked. i wanted to know if i was worth the wait (college & all..) .. he told me he's sick of staying home.. i said he didn't have to.. but asked if he just wanted to "forget about this?" .. this.. being me.. probably not the best thing to say.. b/c he took that as me saying i didn't want anything to happen between us.. which is so far from true.. that waas the end of the conversation.. and the beginning of him ignoring my phone calls.
good job, cassadie. fucked it up, yet again.