so confused...
Well, this w/e wasnt the best, actually being at Lilly's Ma's house was really fun, drinking nearly 15 Red Bulls(and coffe) was fun, though the after feeling wasn't as nearly as great as actully drinking them. Another thing that happened that woefull Saturday had the same results. My ex boyfriend came over to spend the night with me and Lilly. We had fun, we basically lived at Barnes and Nobles/Starbucks that day.We also went to some chicken place called Canes, which was pretty good, seeing as how i didnt spend my money there, Jude(the ex) bought me everything i ate, he also bought me a couple Red Bulls, he also got me a "Hot Gay Sex" booklet of coupons to give people when you can't have sex when they want to. Yes all of this is so nice and yes i wanted it all, but now i feel like and asshole b/c i used him, we also has sex, like 2 x that night. Keep in mind this was at Lilly's house, on her couch, while mom slept only 2 doors down the hall. It was very odd. While we were doing 'it', of course it was fun, and we enjoyed it, but something lingered in my mind, Jude always tells me that he was in love w/ me when we dated and his feelings havent changed. I was like well i thought we were just hook up buddies, and he said we were so i thought it was cool, but now i realize that even though he sais its just a hook up it isnt to him. I feel bad now b/c its like i use him for everything he is worth, and thats not good, unless its a guy over 45 that is very rich.(o yea, its happend) I do love Jude, im just not in love with Jude. It sucks to see him in this position b/d i have been in the same position. I have friends that have been in this position, and i hated it. I geuss i need to make some changes.
I have also been thinking about Matt a lot, i really miss not talking to him. I have to call his mom today to ask how he is and how she is. I hope he is doing well, and i also hope he gets out for X-mas. I do love him, and i need to get my priorities straight. I think my prerogative lately has been to just try to find love and if it doesn't work out then there is always matt whom i know would gladly take me anyday. So its like i have made him my fallback plan. I feel really bad b/c i would never want to be someones fallback. I cried a lot last night while thinking about him. I hope he knows that i have grown to love him more now that he is away b/c i have just now realized how much he truly means to me. Well, i geuss ill go now.
MUCH LOVE-justin
I have also been thinking about Matt a lot, i really miss not talking to him. I have to call his mom today to ask how he is and how she is. I hope he is doing well, and i also hope he gets out for X-mas. I do love him, and i need to get my priorities straight. I think my prerogative lately has been to just try to find love and if it doesn't work out then there is always matt whom i know would gladly take me anyday. So its like i have made him my fallback plan. I feel really bad b/c i would never want to be someones fallback. I cried a lot last night while thinking about him. I hope he knows that i have grown to love him more now that he is away b/c i have just now realized how much he truly means to me. Well, i geuss ill go now.
MUCH LOVE-justin