(no subject)
So tonight it happened....i finally realized who i am. I realized what i'll never have. And all i want to do is cry. In fact, thats all i've been doing for the past half hour....i can't seem to stop. i haven't cried this much since my parents dropped me off.
I've come to the realization that i'll never be pretty. and i'll never like myself. Now i'm not writting this for every one to say, "Rachel you really are pretty blah blah blah" cause i've never believed you and i never will. Honestly. I'll never be skinny or pretty. I'll never be the girl who walks down the street and has people turn to look at her. i'm just clusmy stupid Rachel. And that'l be fine with me....in about 20 years.
And he basically told me tonight that he doesn't like me. "The girls who like me are always the ones i don't 'like' like that" and i finally realized it was possible to go on living when your heart explodes. and i realized i'm not meant for love. I guess thats why i'm so obssesed with it, cause it will never be for me. I mean, i've always had the ability to look down the road of my life and see where i'm gonna be. And never once have i seen myself married...or even in love. HElping others find it, dream about it, read about it....and thats it.
I'm almost to the point i was in middle school, and that makes me hate myself even more. i think i'm gonna....i dunno...i don't know what to do. How do i love myself? i've tried. i've looked in the mirror before and thought...i look pretty.....but then i see myself seconds later and i want to break the mirror..or my face...
And i guess that makes me weak, that one boy has the power to make me feel like this. I've always wanted to be strong. I look at my mom and the things she's overcome, and here i am crying aboutr my fucking life. I just wish i could be as strong as she is....
i don't even want to go on anymore, i don't want to face him tomorrow and let him see my swollen eyes cause he'll know i was crying over him...and at least to the majority of the world i'd like to appear strong.
I've come to the realization that i'll never be pretty. and i'll never like myself. Now i'm not writting this for every one to say, "Rachel you really are pretty blah blah blah" cause i've never believed you and i never will. Honestly. I'll never be skinny or pretty. I'll never be the girl who walks down the street and has people turn to look at her. i'm just clusmy stupid Rachel. And that'l be fine with me....in about 20 years.
And he basically told me tonight that he doesn't like me. "The girls who like me are always the ones i don't 'like' like that" and i finally realized it was possible to go on living when your heart explodes. and i realized i'm not meant for love. I guess thats why i'm so obssesed with it, cause it will never be for me. I mean, i've always had the ability to look down the road of my life and see where i'm gonna be. And never once have i seen myself married...or even in love. HElping others find it, dream about it, read about it....and thats it.
I'm almost to the point i was in middle school, and that makes me hate myself even more. i think i'm gonna....i dunno...i don't know what to do. How do i love myself? i've tried. i've looked in the mirror before and thought...i look pretty.....but then i see myself seconds later and i want to break the mirror..or my face...
And i guess that makes me weak, that one boy has the power to make me feel like this. I've always wanted to be strong. I look at my mom and the things she's overcome, and here i am crying aboutr my fucking life. I just wish i could be as strong as she is....
i don't even want to go on anymore, i don't want to face him tomorrow and let him see my swollen eyes cause he'll know i was crying over him...and at least to the majority of the world i'd like to appear strong.