nanny mac
i find myself not wanting to go to sleep because i know when i wake up it's the "day after." i tell myself she's not gone. i didn't get to see her be put in her crypt so i didn't get the closure i needed. my nanny was my best friend and i'm scared i'll never be as close to anyone like that ever again. i'm afraid one day i'm gonna lose the memories of her that i have. the past four days have been harder than anything in my life, i cry for no reason. i'll be watching tv or sitting in my room and i'll just fucking cry. i don't even want to go out. sometimes i wonder if heaven is a bullshit excuse for us to accept death- i don't want to believe it. i want to believe that when i die there's somewhere for my soul to go. i want to believe that i see her again, but what if i don't? what if that was the last time i ever saw her? she had alzheimer's so for the past two years atleast she didn't even recognize me- i just hope she remembers me now. no one really knows or understands how close we were. she was the person i could go to when i was crying and she'd make me feel completely better. she made me feel beautiful. the only time i can ever remember being genuinely happy was when i was around her. i guess i reached a certain age where it wasn't "cool" to hang out with her anymore so i stopped spending so much time with her and i regret it so fucking much. i don't wanna think about that yet though because that just makes it worse that she's gone. i need to go get my tat finished. i got it a year ago when she was in the hospital as a lucky charm and i always told myself when she passed i was gonna get her name put under it so i guess it's time. unfortunately it's fucking time. i'm gonna post what i wrote for her. i had to read it at the funeral and didn't even cry. everyone said i sounded proud of her. i am proud of her- she was a strong woman who conquered many adversities.
here's the reflection.. eulogy.. not really sure
Me and my nanny had a special bond. As far back as I can remember we have always been close. This is especially hard for me because I feel as if I’ve lost a huge chunk of my childhood that I’ve tried so hard for such a long time to hold on to. My nanny taught me lessons in ways I don’t even think she realized. She taught me the classy way to lose a game of go-fish, how to share my winnings from our night trips to bingo, and introduced me to the wonderful world of cheesy potatoes. I think of days when I was younger and I can honestly say I was never happier than when her, my brother and I sat and played tiddly-winks and took our daily trips to White Castle to get chocolate milkshakes. She used to baby-sit us a lot during the summer and her refrigerator was always filled with tombstone pizzas and neopolitan ice cream. She was such a strong woman and fought all the way until the end. I’m at peace knowing she’s in a better place where she’s no longer afraid. I’m thankful for the fact that I have twenty-one years of memories with her that I’ll never forget.
My nanny was a “pistol” as my aunt describes her, and that’s one of the reasons I always admired her. She said what she thought and that’s the way it was, whether you agreed or not. My nanny loved her family; there were pictures of us all plastered on her walls. She especially loved Cher. I never thought I’d thank a dog before, but she was such a good companion and provided my nanny with such good company. My nanny loved to tell stories of when she was younger and growing up in the country, and I loved to listen to them. I’d probably heard every single one more than I can count, but I always asked to hear them again. She was a great story-teller; I could imagine every one of them in my head so vividly. She loved being outside and working in her flower garden. It didn’t matter how hot or how old she was- she’d stay out there for hours. She was the kind of person that could welcome a stranger into her house and make them feel at home.
I sit here writing this and one memory that keeps sticking out in my head is sitting under the tree in her front yard and having picnics. I spent countless nights with her and days I wish would have never ended- but they did- because they had to. That’s life: birth and death. What’s in between is up to us. I just hope I leave as many memories as she’s left with me. I love her so much and I’m always going to miss her. I’ll always remember her laugh, smile, voice and the way she would kiss my forehead before I left. I find myself not wanting this to end because she’s going to be gone, but what we all realize is that this is for the best. She’s back with my pappy and everyone else waiting for her up in heaven. Life’s a journey and I know I’m going to see her again with a huge smile on my face. We’ll sit and laugh and she’ll tell me stories I’ve heard millions of times already but love hearing again. I recall a note I found while helping clean her house out; “Julia, life’s not easy” it said. It’s times like these that I think about what she wrote afterwards: “Never give up.” It’s those words that give me the strength to stand up here and speak wonderful things about her. Jewell is such a befitting name for her because she truly is a treasure to me. I’d also like to say that my nanny would be very proud of my mom and my aunt for the way they’ve handled everything thrown their way. They’re all three very strong women that I can only dream of being half as great as.
and here's the poem.
She led a life that some would give to live
And with one heavenly breathe and a sigh
He left us with no answers to our questions why?
“Don’t worry, she’s in a better place” was all He said.
And slowly trickling down my face a tear I shed.
“She was strong, and led a life of love”
“And now she’s free and must come with me above.”
“Take good care of her” is all I say.
“Because I know we’re going to see you again some day.”
Today my angel will get her wings,
And I’m so happy for her even through the sorrow it brings.
Heaven is a better place,
To be blessed with such a beautiful face.
There will be a day when once again we rejoice,
And I will tremble at the sound of her voice.
I’ll keep the memories, and to see her I will have to wait.
Until I walk upon the glorious white gates.
She led a life that I would give to live.