FIC: More Than A Lot
I've been posting my BSG fic over at beyond_insane but I'm re-posting it here in order to archive it and link it all together with tags:
Title: More Than A Lot
Author: kzingirl
Rating: PG-13. For some cable TV swearing.
Category: Kara/Lee angst
Summary: "I've already taken one son away from the Old Man. I'm not about to lose the other one."
Spoilers: Up until "Home, Part II".
Disclaimer: To paraphrase the baby on "Dinosaur": "Not the creator!"
A/N: The title for this comes from U2's "One". This isn't songfic in the traditional sense but when I write I need a song to set my muse's mood and it was Bono's voice that did it for me this time. I also owe a debt to queenofthorns and her fantabulous fic "Where They Have To Take You In" for getting me thinking about some of what Starbuck and Apollo must be going through upon their return to Galactica.
Apollo finds her on the observation deck over the abandoned starboard flight deck. The raider was removed for the Chief to play with but the damage remains and the already abandoned area feels even more desolate. He wasn't sure where she'd be but as he wandered the nearly deserted starboard side of the ship he heard the repeated thunk of her pyramid ball against the glass and followed it to her.
She's been distant since their return from Kobol, skipping triad games, and finding excuses not to run with him. Usually this sort of thing wouldn't bother him so much. They both have a tendency toward sporadic periods of isolation. But this time was different. It felt like something had shifted between them when she'd returned from Caprica and he had assumed that feeling would continue once they were back aboard Galactica. Instead, not only had she withdrawn from him but she'd separated herself from the rest of the crew as well. It worried him. And when she was once again absent from dinner in the mess he didn't even stop to eat before seeking her out.
She doesn't look at him as he approaches. She's too absorbed in flinging her ball against the glass from her perch on the dusty control panel.
"Kara..."
"I don't know."
"I didn't even..."
"You don't have to. I've already heard them all. 'Are you okay? How was it back on Caprica? Did you go near Aphrodisias? How about Miletus? What about Delphi? How many survivors were there? Where's Earth? How long is it going to take us to get there?' I. Don't. Know. Okay?"
She punctuates each of her last words with the bounce of her ball against the glass. He'd been getting questions about Earth and Kobol from most of the crew but he hadn't considered the deluge of questions that probably hit Kara upon their return. A lot of the crew had family on Caprica and news from home was the rarest commodity in the fleet. This insight, however, doesn't help him find a response to her tirade and so he simply sits next to her.
"Okay."
She looks over at him. He's so maddeningly calm that she wants to punch him. Doesn't he know how hard this is? Doesn't he know what it's like to see the hope and desperation in everyone's eyes as they beg her for just the tiniest scrap of information? She sighs and stops throwing the ball.
"What are you doing here, Lee?"
She sounds more tired than angry.
"I want to go with you."
That wasn't why he'd come looking for her but it was the first thing he thought of when she'd asked the question.
"What?"
"I know that you're going back to Caprica, Kara. You've been pestering my dad and the President about since you got back. Well, this time I want to go with you."
She jumps off the control panel and slams the ball down for emphasis.
"You've got to be frakking kidding me!"
He stands with his arms crossed defensively. He's still calm but his tone is much sharper than before.
"Why?"
"Why?!"
Ball in hand she whirls around to face him and for a second he's certain she's going to take aim at his face. Instead she pounds the ball between her hands in frustration and he's fairly certain that she's using it as a substitute for a part of his anatomy. Which part, though, is a question his brain decides to leave unanswered. Starbuck isn't quite done with him yet.
"Cause you're the frakking CAG, that's why! You can't just leave. Look what happened with that moron Birch."
He starts to object but she preempts his response.
"And even if they had a hundred CAG's lined up ready to take your place the answer would still be, 'No'."
In spite of her outburst he's not about to back down anytime soon.
"Give me one good reason."
"Zak."
She lets his brother's name hang between them and he can feel his emotions spike. Every muscle in his body tenses, his nostrils flair, and his hands instantly turn into fists. The change that comes over Apollo doesn't escape her notice. She knows what it means to bring Zak into one of their arguments. But she has a point to make and he needs to hear it.
"I've already taken one son away from the Old Man. I'm not about to lose the other one."
His anger immediately blunted by her guilt, he shakes his head sadly.
"You're not responsible for what happened to him."
Now it's Kara's turn to shake her head.
"The only reason he was in that cockpit was because of me."
Just as the mere mention of his brother's name changed Lee's entire demeanor, the thought of his death - and the reasons for it - causes Lee to avert his gaze and drop his shoulders.
"That's not the only reason."
Kara sighs. This was one of their oldest arguments.
"Maybe. But none of that other shit would've mattered if I'd done my frakking job and flunked him."
Lee looks at her again.
"You couldn't have known."
"But I should've known better. And so should you. They need you, Lee."
She gestures to indicate the ship and the fleet but to his ears her tone feels much more personal. Quietly he approaches her, wondering if he's right.
"What about you?"
She scoffs and steps back.
"What about me? I'm nothing more than an insubordinate pilot grounded with her frakked up knee."
For a brief moment a look of hurt passes over his features but it's soon replaced with one of frustration and even contempt as he charges toward her and begins to rant.
"Oh, you are so frakking full of it. Poor Kara's a screw-up. Poor Kara's worthless. Poor Kara killed Zak. Maybe I should go out and get myself killed. Then you can wallow in guilt for that, too."
He's right in her face, practically spitting his words at her, and so her fist doesn't have to travel very far to make contact with his face.
"Don't you ever..."
He quickly recovers and spins to face her again.
"What? Die on you? Why? What the frak do you care?!"
She's stunned.
"How could you even think that I..."
Words fail her and she hits him again.
This time her punch sends him to the floor with a rapidly swelling eye. This time the energy that fueled his previous outburst has faded, leaving nothing but a weary sadness to his body and his voice.
"You disappeared."
He looks up and the pain in his eyes is enough to cause her to slump against the control panel for support. His eyes grab hold of hers, refusing to let go as he continues:
"You disappeared and now that you're back you jump down my throat because I have no idea what it was like for you on Caprica. And you're right. But did you even once stop to think about what it was like for me?"
The intensity in his voice has been building with every word so that by the end his voice is breaking and his body is propelled to its feet. He finally looks away and runs his hand through his hair as he begins to pace.
"Gods, Kara. When we jumped to Kobol and you weren't there..."
He makes eye contact again and she can't take it anymore. She looks away. He waits for a moment but when she still refuses to meet his gaze he stops and sighs. It's the saddest sound she's ever heard in her life.
"Frak it. Do whatever you want. I don't care."
Lee Adama has a triad face that used to drive Kara insane. But after a while she began to realize that his tells weren't in the quirks of his mouth or the squint of his eyes but in the muscles of his shoulders and the flex of his forearms. It wasn't always obvious to others but after a while she knew him well enough to read his body as easily as a Viper manual.
And right now, as he's walking past her and off the observation deck, he's telling her that he's done. Not just with this particular argument but with her. The way his shoulders slump and his feet drag. The way his arms swing limply at his sides and his chin falls to his chest. His body is practically screaming. He's giving up. On her. On them. On everything.
It scares the shit out of her. She's never been so angry with him in her life.
"You frakking son of a..."
With a growl she grabs the ball and flings it at the back of his head. It makes contact with a dull smack before ricocheting down an adjoining corridor. They both stop and for a moment the only sound is that of a lone pyramid ball bouncing through the darkness. Finally, Kara sighs.
"I could kill you if I didn't love you so frakking much."
He turns to give her a guarded look.
"Yeah. You heard me. I love you. And I hate it. Because somehow, someway, it's gonna get all frakked up, and you'll be gone. And then what the frak am I supposed to do."
He starts toward her.
"So, what? You're gonna go back to Caprica alone and get yourself killed cause you're too frakking scared to deal with the fact that I might die first? Yeah, Kara, that's some frakking brilliant outside the box thinking."
She holds her ground.
"It's better than the alternative."
He's practically right on top of her.
"Not to me."
He's mere inches away and this time she doesn't have to see him to know what he's thinking. She can feel it. It's as if his entire body is humming and even though he's not that much taller than her she's overwhelmed by him. Still she tries to maintain her defiance.
"What do you want from me, Lee?"
Her voice falters at his name and impossibly he moves even closer. But she refuses to turn away, desperately trying to maintain some semblance of control.
"Nothing. Just you."
He has a cool and steady tone but the ragged rise and fall of his chest tells her just how close he is to losing control. She continues to struggle for leverage.
"What if I can't give you that?"
"I don't care."
"I'm just going to let you down."
"I don't care."
"It won't work. You're the CAG and I'm a pilot."
"I don't care."
Their tones have remained even but their voices have gotten louder with every exchange. They're challenging each other, battling to see who will break first.
"I met someone. On Caprica. I promised I'd come back for him."
Lee blinks. Takes a breath.
"I don't care."
Kara stands a little taller. It was only a moment of hesitation but it's all she needs.
"Liar."
She's gloating and, like a wrestler using his opponent's overconfidence to change the momentum in their favor, Lee snaps back:
"Coward."
She steps back like she's been slapped. He presses forward yet again.
"What if he's dead?"
She comes back.
"Would that make you happy?"
"No. Would it stop you from going back?"
"It doesn't matter. I made a promise."
There it is.
"Why? Even if he's still alive, even if the two of you make it back here, he's still going to die on you. Somehow, someway, it'll all get frakked up, and then he'll be gone, right? So why go back at all? Just give up now. Walk away. Spare yourself the pain and drown your sorrows in moonshine and cheap one night fraks like our esteemed Vice President."
This time she doesn't even try to speak before taking a swing at him. And it's exactly the response he was hoping for. He catches her fist and twists her around holding her tightly from behind so that he can hiss into her ear.
"Stop it! Stop pushing me away. Stop shutting me out. Stop acting like you're the only one who's afraid. Because I'm frakking terrified, damn it."
He pauses before continuing quietly. It's practically a plea.
"But some things are worth fighting for, even they are a lost cause."
He releases her and she quickly spins to face him.
"You're wrong."
This time he doesn't blink.
"I. Don't. Care."
She tries to hold his gaze but at that moment looking into his eyes is like staring down the barrel of a gun. It's too much and her voice betrays her fatigue.
"Why?"
He sighs and softens his tone.
"You know why."
She raises her eyes to his and for once she let's down her defenses. The humor, the anger, the swagger, they're gone. All that remains is a weary fear born of a lifetime of pain and disappointment. Lee doesn't look away but his eyes are no longer challenging her.
"Promise me."
"Promise you what?"
"Promise me that you'll come back."
He takes deep breath before pushing ahead.
"Even if it's with him."
He finally allows some of the pain and the fear that he's been feeling to creep into his voice. She's not sure how to respond.
"I thought you were coming with me."
"I thought you were going without me."
"Lee..."
Stepping closer he rests his hands on her hips and bows his head to rest it against hers.
"Kara, please. Whatever happens just..."
His voice cracks and she can't take it anymore. She reaches up, takes his face in her hands, and tenderly kisses him. His body sags against her in relief as he returns the kiss. It's all she can do to keep from crying. She doesn't deserve this beautiful man with the name of a god and the heart of a child. And yet the Gods have seen fit to send him into her life and she'll be damned if she fails her in duty to protect him. Especially from herself.
And so, even though she's loathe to do it, she breaks contact. He looks at her with slightly swollen lips and heavy lidded eyes and she can't help but smile.
"I promise."
Doubt, joy, and relief dance across his eyes before he closes them.
"Thank you."
She sighs, emotionally drained, and closes her own eyes.
"You are such a frakking..."
He silences her with a kiss.
"I know. But so are you."
He opens his eyes to look at her with a smile. And this time she doesn't look away.
Title: More Than A Lot
Author: kzingirl
Rating: PG-13. For some cable TV swearing.
Category: Kara/Lee angst
Summary: "I've already taken one son away from the Old Man. I'm not about to lose the other one."
Spoilers: Up until "Home, Part II".
Disclaimer: To paraphrase the baby on "Dinosaur": "Not the creator!"
A/N: The title for this comes from U2's "One". This isn't songfic in the traditional sense but when I write I need a song to set my muse's mood and it was Bono's voice that did it for me this time. I also owe a debt to queenofthorns and her fantabulous fic "Where They Have To Take You In" for getting me thinking about some of what Starbuck and Apollo must be going through upon their return to Galactica.
Apollo finds her on the observation deck over the abandoned starboard flight deck. The raider was removed for the Chief to play with but the damage remains and the already abandoned area feels even more desolate. He wasn't sure where she'd be but as he wandered the nearly deserted starboard side of the ship he heard the repeated thunk of her pyramid ball against the glass and followed it to her.
She's been distant since their return from Kobol, skipping triad games, and finding excuses not to run with him. Usually this sort of thing wouldn't bother him so much. They both have a tendency toward sporadic periods of isolation. But this time was different. It felt like something had shifted between them when she'd returned from Caprica and he had assumed that feeling would continue once they were back aboard Galactica. Instead, not only had she withdrawn from him but she'd separated herself from the rest of the crew as well. It worried him. And when she was once again absent from dinner in the mess he didn't even stop to eat before seeking her out.
She doesn't look at him as he approaches. She's too absorbed in flinging her ball against the glass from her perch on the dusty control panel.
"Kara..."
"I don't know."
"I didn't even..."
"You don't have to. I've already heard them all. 'Are you okay? How was it back on Caprica? Did you go near Aphrodisias? How about Miletus? What about Delphi? How many survivors were there? Where's Earth? How long is it going to take us to get there?' I. Don't. Know. Okay?"
She punctuates each of her last words with the bounce of her ball against the glass. He'd been getting questions about Earth and Kobol from most of the crew but he hadn't considered the deluge of questions that probably hit Kara upon their return. A lot of the crew had family on Caprica and news from home was the rarest commodity in the fleet. This insight, however, doesn't help him find a response to her tirade and so he simply sits next to her.
"Okay."
She looks over at him. He's so maddeningly calm that she wants to punch him. Doesn't he know how hard this is? Doesn't he know what it's like to see the hope and desperation in everyone's eyes as they beg her for just the tiniest scrap of information? She sighs and stops throwing the ball.
"What are you doing here, Lee?"
She sounds more tired than angry.
"I want to go with you."
That wasn't why he'd come looking for her but it was the first thing he thought of when she'd asked the question.
"What?"
"I know that you're going back to Caprica, Kara. You've been pestering my dad and the President about since you got back. Well, this time I want to go with you."
She jumps off the control panel and slams the ball down for emphasis.
"You've got to be frakking kidding me!"
He stands with his arms crossed defensively. He's still calm but his tone is much sharper than before.
"Why?"
"Why?!"
Ball in hand she whirls around to face him and for a second he's certain she's going to take aim at his face. Instead she pounds the ball between her hands in frustration and he's fairly certain that she's using it as a substitute for a part of his anatomy. Which part, though, is a question his brain decides to leave unanswered. Starbuck isn't quite done with him yet.
"Cause you're the frakking CAG, that's why! You can't just leave. Look what happened with that moron Birch."
He starts to object but she preempts his response.
"And even if they had a hundred CAG's lined up ready to take your place the answer would still be, 'No'."
In spite of her outburst he's not about to back down anytime soon.
"Give me one good reason."
"Zak."
She lets his brother's name hang between them and he can feel his emotions spike. Every muscle in his body tenses, his nostrils flair, and his hands instantly turn into fists. The change that comes over Apollo doesn't escape her notice. She knows what it means to bring Zak into one of their arguments. But she has a point to make and he needs to hear it.
"I've already taken one son away from the Old Man. I'm not about to lose the other one."
His anger immediately blunted by her guilt, he shakes his head sadly.
"You're not responsible for what happened to him."
Now it's Kara's turn to shake her head.
"The only reason he was in that cockpit was because of me."
Just as the mere mention of his brother's name changed Lee's entire demeanor, the thought of his death - and the reasons for it - causes Lee to avert his gaze and drop his shoulders.
"That's not the only reason."
Kara sighs. This was one of their oldest arguments.
"Maybe. But none of that other shit would've mattered if I'd done my frakking job and flunked him."
Lee looks at her again.
"You couldn't have known."
"But I should've known better. And so should you. They need you, Lee."
She gestures to indicate the ship and the fleet but to his ears her tone feels much more personal. Quietly he approaches her, wondering if he's right.
"What about you?"
She scoffs and steps back.
"What about me? I'm nothing more than an insubordinate pilot grounded with her frakked up knee."
For a brief moment a look of hurt passes over his features but it's soon replaced with one of frustration and even contempt as he charges toward her and begins to rant.
"Oh, you are so frakking full of it. Poor Kara's a screw-up. Poor Kara's worthless. Poor Kara killed Zak. Maybe I should go out and get myself killed. Then you can wallow in guilt for that, too."
He's right in her face, practically spitting his words at her, and so her fist doesn't have to travel very far to make contact with his face.
"Don't you ever..."
He quickly recovers and spins to face her again.
"What? Die on you? Why? What the frak do you care?!"
She's stunned.
"How could you even think that I..."
Words fail her and she hits him again.
This time her punch sends him to the floor with a rapidly swelling eye. This time the energy that fueled his previous outburst has faded, leaving nothing but a weary sadness to his body and his voice.
"You disappeared."
He looks up and the pain in his eyes is enough to cause her to slump against the control panel for support. His eyes grab hold of hers, refusing to let go as he continues:
"You disappeared and now that you're back you jump down my throat because I have no idea what it was like for you on Caprica. And you're right. But did you even once stop to think about what it was like for me?"
The intensity in his voice has been building with every word so that by the end his voice is breaking and his body is propelled to its feet. He finally looks away and runs his hand through his hair as he begins to pace.
"Gods, Kara. When we jumped to Kobol and you weren't there..."
He makes eye contact again and she can't take it anymore. She looks away. He waits for a moment but when she still refuses to meet his gaze he stops and sighs. It's the saddest sound she's ever heard in her life.
"Frak it. Do whatever you want. I don't care."
Lee Adama has a triad face that used to drive Kara insane. But after a while she began to realize that his tells weren't in the quirks of his mouth or the squint of his eyes but in the muscles of his shoulders and the flex of his forearms. It wasn't always obvious to others but after a while she knew him well enough to read his body as easily as a Viper manual.
And right now, as he's walking past her and off the observation deck, he's telling her that he's done. Not just with this particular argument but with her. The way his shoulders slump and his feet drag. The way his arms swing limply at his sides and his chin falls to his chest. His body is practically screaming. He's giving up. On her. On them. On everything.
It scares the shit out of her. She's never been so angry with him in her life.
"You frakking son of a..."
With a growl she grabs the ball and flings it at the back of his head. It makes contact with a dull smack before ricocheting down an adjoining corridor. They both stop and for a moment the only sound is that of a lone pyramid ball bouncing through the darkness. Finally, Kara sighs.
"I could kill you if I didn't love you so frakking much."
He turns to give her a guarded look.
"Yeah. You heard me. I love you. And I hate it. Because somehow, someway, it's gonna get all frakked up, and you'll be gone. And then what the frak am I supposed to do."
He starts toward her.
"So, what? You're gonna go back to Caprica alone and get yourself killed cause you're too frakking scared to deal with the fact that I might die first? Yeah, Kara, that's some frakking brilliant outside the box thinking."
She holds her ground.
"It's better than the alternative."
He's practically right on top of her.
"Not to me."
He's mere inches away and this time she doesn't have to see him to know what he's thinking. She can feel it. It's as if his entire body is humming and even though he's not that much taller than her she's overwhelmed by him. Still she tries to maintain her defiance.
"What do you want from me, Lee?"
Her voice falters at his name and impossibly he moves even closer. But she refuses to turn away, desperately trying to maintain some semblance of control.
"Nothing. Just you."
He has a cool and steady tone but the ragged rise and fall of his chest tells her just how close he is to losing control. She continues to struggle for leverage.
"What if I can't give you that?"
"I don't care."
"I'm just going to let you down."
"I don't care."
"It won't work. You're the CAG and I'm a pilot."
"I don't care."
Their tones have remained even but their voices have gotten louder with every exchange. They're challenging each other, battling to see who will break first.
"I met someone. On Caprica. I promised I'd come back for him."
Lee blinks. Takes a breath.
"I don't care."
Kara stands a little taller. It was only a moment of hesitation but it's all she needs.
"Liar."
She's gloating and, like a wrestler using his opponent's overconfidence to change the momentum in their favor, Lee snaps back:
"Coward."
She steps back like she's been slapped. He presses forward yet again.
"What if he's dead?"
She comes back.
"Would that make you happy?"
"No. Would it stop you from going back?"
"It doesn't matter. I made a promise."
There it is.
"Why? Even if he's still alive, even if the two of you make it back here, he's still going to die on you. Somehow, someway, it'll all get frakked up, and then he'll be gone, right? So why go back at all? Just give up now. Walk away. Spare yourself the pain and drown your sorrows in moonshine and cheap one night fraks like our esteemed Vice President."
This time she doesn't even try to speak before taking a swing at him. And it's exactly the response he was hoping for. He catches her fist and twists her around holding her tightly from behind so that he can hiss into her ear.
"Stop it! Stop pushing me away. Stop shutting me out. Stop acting like you're the only one who's afraid. Because I'm frakking terrified, damn it."
He pauses before continuing quietly. It's practically a plea.
"But some things are worth fighting for, even they are a lost cause."
He releases her and she quickly spins to face him.
"You're wrong."
This time he doesn't blink.
"I. Don't. Care."
She tries to hold his gaze but at that moment looking into his eyes is like staring down the barrel of a gun. It's too much and her voice betrays her fatigue.
"Why?"
He sighs and softens his tone.
"You know why."
She raises her eyes to his and for once she let's down her defenses. The humor, the anger, the swagger, they're gone. All that remains is a weary fear born of a lifetime of pain and disappointment. Lee doesn't look away but his eyes are no longer challenging her.
"Promise me."
"Promise you what?"
"Promise me that you'll come back."
He takes deep breath before pushing ahead.
"Even if it's with him."
He finally allows some of the pain and the fear that he's been feeling to creep into his voice. She's not sure how to respond.
"I thought you were coming with me."
"I thought you were going without me."
"Lee..."
Stepping closer he rests his hands on her hips and bows his head to rest it against hers.
"Kara, please. Whatever happens just..."
His voice cracks and she can't take it anymore. She reaches up, takes his face in her hands, and tenderly kisses him. His body sags against her in relief as he returns the kiss. It's all she can do to keep from crying. She doesn't deserve this beautiful man with the name of a god and the heart of a child. And yet the Gods have seen fit to send him into her life and she'll be damned if she fails her in duty to protect him. Especially from herself.
And so, even though she's loathe to do it, she breaks contact. He looks at her with slightly swollen lips and heavy lidded eyes and she can't help but smile.
"I promise."
Doubt, joy, and relief dance across his eyes before he closes them.
"Thank you."
She sighs, emotionally drained, and closes her own eyes.
"You are such a frakking..."
He silences her with a kiss.
"I know. But so are you."
He opens his eyes to look at her with a smile. And this time she doesn't look away.