Different is as different does...
I think the most difficult times in my life are when I enter groups of people. One thing that has always been hard for me is the fact that I've always said what I thought- I don't have the types of inhibitions that others have- I think because I was homeschooled. As a teenager most people considered me strange but quirky- now as I'm in my mid-twenties, the same people look at me as though there's something wrong with me.
It hurts. Because I don't know how to be any different than what I am. It hurts when people look at you as though your retarded because you don't have the same inhibitions against doing or saying certain things than most people. I'm not retarded- I have the gpa to prove it. But it hurts all the same because in the end- no matter how NOT retarded I am- I'm still alone.
I have close friends- it's not that I don't have any friends at all- but I just wish I could get through fifteen minutes in a group of people without someone giving me that look that says, "Something is wrong with you- you're not like the rest of us."
And yet, I wouldn't want to be like them because who wants all the inhibitions that normal people suffer from? The inhibition that you can't act too hyper or happy in public because people will think you're immature. The inhibition that you can't talk about your personal faults because people will feel uncomfortable around you. The inhibition that you can't say exactly what you think about someone else or what someone else did- even when they're right there in front of you because it goes against the grain to fake as though something wrong didn't happen.
When will it be okay for others that I'm me? When will others stop judging me to be immature simply because I experience my joy more fully than they allow themselves to experience anything in this life? Why is passion, joy, honesty and sincerity a greater sin than denying faults within oneself and others?
When will it be okay to just be myself?
It hurts. Because I don't know how to be any different than what I am. It hurts when people look at you as though your retarded because you don't have the same inhibitions against doing or saying certain things than most people. I'm not retarded- I have the gpa to prove it. But it hurts all the same because in the end- no matter how NOT retarded I am- I'm still alone.
I have close friends- it's not that I don't have any friends at all- but I just wish I could get through fifteen minutes in a group of people without someone giving me that look that says, "Something is wrong with you- you're not like the rest of us."
And yet, I wouldn't want to be like them because who wants all the inhibitions that normal people suffer from? The inhibition that you can't act too hyper or happy in public because people will think you're immature. The inhibition that you can't talk about your personal faults because people will feel uncomfortable around you. The inhibition that you can't say exactly what you think about someone else or what someone else did- even when they're right there in front of you because it goes against the grain to fake as though something wrong didn't happen.
When will it be okay for others that I'm me? When will others stop judging me to be immature simply because I experience my joy more fully than they allow themselves to experience anything in this life? Why is passion, joy, honesty and sincerity a greater sin than denying faults within oneself and others?
When will it be okay to just be myself?