Disturbance (Part I)
Disturbance | Myungsoo/Sungyeol | PG-13 (mention of depressing theme only)| romance, angst | WC: 10,425.
A/n: inspiration for this piece of writing comes from the song “Disturbance” by BoA. I know this story is not very good, it’s OOC and might contain something you don’t want to read about. It’s the first time I wrote something like this, many people have done before, and I think it’s a bit cliché, but the story was written from my own feeling so please appreciate it thanks a lot for your patience and enjoy :D
Disturbance:
난 제자리에 서있는데
네 모습이 희미해져 보이지 않아
난 돌아가는 길도 몰라
그러니 내게로 와 어서 나를 구해
<<…I am standing here in the same place
But you grow faint and I can’t see you
I don’t even know my way back
So come here, hurry and save me…>>
“When you develop an infatuation for someone you always find a reason to believe that this is exactly the person for you.”
But sadly, you’re not mine.
Have never been mine.
***
“You should just talk to him, you know.”
Sungyeol looked up from his half-empty latte to stare uncertainly at his best friend, who also had a latte finished already. Woohyun only shrugged in response, fingers absentmindedly tracing invisible circles on the table.
“Yeah, maybe I will try.”
Sungyeol replied, eventually. But his throat felt strained all of a sudden and the boy did not understand at all. Only one thing he knew for sure, that he would not talk to that person first. The problem there had nothing to do with stubbornness, or anger, partly because Sungyeol was not that type. And mainly because, maybe he needed time, and Sungyeol was willing to wait till he made up his mind.
But how much longer?
“He was in his last year anyway and doesn’t have much time. You should initiate some acts soon, like, before March. He will take the graduation exam around that time.”
It was January already.
And I don’t have much time too.
“By the way, just wondering, how did you meet him? You told me he was from Seoul, while you came from Incheon and you two aren’t related at all. So how?”
“We met through some websites.”
“Through the internet? Here you are, missing someone you met through the internet, while your best friend is here in the flesh and you don’t love him at all.”
The shorter boy sulked and Sungyeol laughed softly to lighten the atmosphere.
“Nam oppa is just not my style, okay.”
He teased the other by imitating Woohyun’s greasy tone and earned a bigger pout in response.
“And what’s his name anyway?”
“It’s Myungsoo.”
The brunette answered, a faint smile unconsciously tugged at the corner of his lips as the name rolled off his tongue.
Truth be told, there were many things Woohyun did not know at all about Sungyeol, despite claiming himself as his best friend. They just met since the beginning of the school year, and the brunette thought it was fair enough for him to keep some secrets away from his friend. Because Woohyun just did not understand, and it was unlikely that he would be willing to acknowledge something such as carrying a fondness for writing and having a journal full of hidden stories. Or the fact that Sungyeol liked Japanese novels with depressing theme and brooding heavy atmosphere, not some corny, classic love stories (his friends back in high school never laid a finger on his bookshelf due to that reason). Sungyeol enjoyed afternoons at home sitting by the windows listening to some soft songs, or just lying on bed doing nothing, while Woohyun objected to such a state, insisting some outdoor and cheerful activities.
Another thing to hide away from Woohyun, or anyone else, was that person.
It was Myungsoo.
His name was Kim Myungsoo.
Myungsoo was 3 years older than Sungyeol, they studied in the same university and to be more detailed, in the same department. The only difference distinguished Myungsoo from Sungyeol, and Myungsoo from any other students, was the fact that he had a study result with flying color and a stunning appearance. While on the other hand, Sungyeol had nothing to offer at all, just a nameless freshman in the university, plain and dull, similar to any youngster picked up randomly around campus.
A nobody, he might add helpfully.
The way they acknowledged each other’s being was something Sungyeol did not feel comfortable at all to talk about, either. No one wanted to go around bragging about the fact that he was a member of a website for people having problems with depression and mental disorder. That was exactly where Sungyeol met Myungsoo, a young man with borderline personality disorder just like him, or so he thought since his parents had never been keen on the idea of sending their child to clinic for mental treatment. Their son was normal, that idea was something to be taken for granted.
The brunette did not know how and why, but among thousands of members in that website Myungsoo had found him, a silent and almost passive one. They became friends almost immediately and exchanged phone number not long after that. Myungsoo was the first person Sungyeol ever felt peaceful and being appreciated around, and the said feeling was just so beautiful that he almost burst into tears the first time they talked. The older came into his small world six months before the entrance exam rolled up, and as much as his parents pestered him about that most well-known university covering a wide range of business courses, the brunette chose another one that specialized in language teaching. He was not interested at all in economics, wanted to take a break from his old friends in high school and above all, maybe English was the only thing Sungyeol was good at. He was not outstanding in anything, being only an ordinary boy much to his disappointment.
Not to mention, Myungsoo was also studying in that university.
That spring, Sungyeol came to Seoul and started his college days with a luggage of some books and a promise of being taken care of.
Another thing about Myungsoo was that he had a girlfriend going by the name of Hyesun. They dated shortly after he met Sungyeol, and the older man was open enough to tell his younger fellow about her. Something about being in the same age, same department and both excelled students. He had no idea who initiated the act first, but she seemed to be the right person and with Myungsoo they became a good match.
Wasn’t it a pretty sight? Two outstanding persons were in love since college days, getting married after graduation and all those stuffs?
Wasn’t Myungsoo supposed to take that path of life?
“Maybe I just need to have a normal life, y’know.”
Myungsoo texted after their small talk around his affair and Sungyeol only hummed in reply, fingers lingered a little too long over his keyboard. Eventually, he settled down with a vague “Only if you feel right hyung.”
But deep down his heart, something was just not right there.
***
Sungyeol’s head pillowed on his arm as he lazily watched his writing teacher handing out the mid-term test results; she was still talking about other students in his class and the boy thought it was okay to space out a little bit. He looked out the windows and scrunched up his nose in distaste as the sun was beaming radiantly upon the sky. It was too hot and stuffy the room, even Woohyun who was sitting beside him did nothing to entertain his friend the least. The shorter boy looked dead serious, tentatively hearing any comments their teacher gave and Sungyeol almost laughed at his face.
To be honest, Woohyun was always being more competitive than Sungyeol. But saying that did not mean the brunette cared less about his study results.
“Sungyeol.”
“Yes teacher?”
Sungyeol straightened up his posture and looked up expectantly at the elder. The woman had a brief look at his piece of writing before shifting her eyes to his face:
“You did quite well this time Sungyeol.”
A faint sigh of relief escaped his lips since the brunette had been self-conscious about the test for a while and always thought that it was not good enough. Sungyeol relaxed a little bit on his seat and waited for his teacher to say something else.
“Actually, I must say, you have stability in writing and all your works are good. Maybe they can not be as excelled as Dongwoo’s, but you managed to have them all in adequate standard. Dongwoo, on the other hand, has his ups and downs. His test this time isn’t satisfactory at all I must say.”
Some groans came from the back of the classroom, and his teacher was smiling encouragingly at him, but all Sungyeol could think about was the comparison part. Still, he managed a small smile in return while taking his paper. A bright “90” was marked on the white sheet.
He was not excelled at anything, only a mediocre person. Sungyeol reminded himself and all of a sudden wanted nothing but seeing Myungsoo there.
How long had been since they last talked to each other? One month already.
Something inside him just died a little at the thought.
“And I almost forgot, how is your research for the scientific workshop for students?”
“Oh, I’ve quitted teacher.”
The old woman looked at him in surprise, and so did Woohyun but the boy just shrug it off.
“Well, such a shame here. I had hoped that you could come up with something very good.”
“Really sorry Mrs. Ahn.”
He was just not good enough to remain in that research.
***
Having such personality disorder made Sungyeol feel insecure all the time and distance himself from other people with the fear that they might leave him eventually. There was a long-lived thought the boy always embraced, that he was no good at all and just a troublesome to anyone, even his family. His health had never been good with a down-to-zero immune system, constant headaches and low blood pressure. Sungyeol could get sick easily, and if he did, it took the boy long before he could fully recover. It bothered his life too much but Sungyeol had no idea how to get by at all.
And it must be crazy to have such a thought, but Sungyeol believed that only beautiful, outstanding people such as Myungsoo had the right to be physically weak like him. At least they were intelligent, capable of doing anything in life and adored by others. That was exactly what the boy told himself every morning standing in front of the mirror being covered carefully with duct tape. Bearing a hatred of his own outer appearance developed a somewhat phobia toward mirror, and it was a pain whenever seeing his reflection.
He was not beautiful at all, rather like an ugly duckling. The big difference between the fairy tales and the reality was that the ugly duckling one day would become a swan, while Sungyeol would forever be a nerd with thick glasses and inappropriate features.
Was there any other thing about Sungyeol’s mental state he could honestly tell about? Maybe something like he had a deep fascination with blood and red color. Sungyeol laughed humorlessly at the thought while eyes lingered a bit too long at a razor.
Such a freak indeed.
Did Myungsoo love him?
Sungyeol’s mind drifted off to the other, and another smile graced upon his lips.
Better not think about that again, because no one would want to love an ugly freak like him. Not to mention, the older had a girlfriend already.
The razor was still lying innocently on the rack and he could not help but think of Myungsoo and his cut arms. Having the same mental disorder made it easier for them to understand each other, so the older man was not hesitant at all to tell Sungyeol that he actually had done self-harm. But it was a long time ago, back in high school and he hardly thought of it anymore, which was a relief to Sungyeol. No word could describe and Sungyeol thought Myungsoo might not know, but it truly hurt him knowing such a thing about the other.
What had he gone through during that period of time? Was it still hurt then? How lonely and deadlock Myungsoo had got?
Nothing could erase all the pain he had to suffer, because no matter how many times you tried to wipe them away, there were still those permanent scars - the undeniable evidences of being a failure in life.
“Just don’t, Sungyeol. Don’t do it. It was no help at all.”
Myungsoo once told him as his eyes took in the sight of his younger fellow’s boney wrist, and for a second Sungyeol wanted to say something in return, but nothing came out except a nod and an empty promise.
Promises were always empty. Thinking back about his nineteen years of life, the brunette couldn’t help concluding. A promise of being taken care of, a promise of love, or a promise of never being abandoned… all were meant to be broken and left behind nothing but a half-dead soul.
***
Myungsoo had the tendency of disappearing out of Sungyeol’s reach for a while, which meant no message and no call. The first time had left the brunette in great trauma, with the fear that Myungsoo might be fed up with him and his constant fear, he no longer wanted him anymore and it would be better for him to shut up and leave. But a few days later the older texted him to tell the younger not to be worried since it was only one of his habit whenever being too stressed out. Sometimes it was because of his parents, sometimes because of his friends, or sometimes simply because Myungsoo were in his mental instability again, which happened a lot.
“Thank you for being there Sungyeol. I so desperately needed someone to talk to about my problem and I could only think of you.”
Sungyeol felt like his chest could burst at any moment. Myungsoo just did not know how many times the younger had stared at those words, and how much they meant to him. For the first in many years, Sungyeol had a feeling of being useful, and being loved by someone other than his family. And he was content with that.
But someone like them did not easily let others slip into their world, and Sungyeol had to learn that Myungsoo could not tell him everything all the time, that he might not answer his text or his call even if Sungyeol was desperate, and that they had their own lives, where Myungsoo had a girlfriend to care about, a family to impress on while Sungyeol was a loner, trying to cope up with his uselessness.
It was okay.
It was okay to Sungyeol, and he tried to accept the fact because deep down his heart Myungsoo was just so important, so important that he could not lose him. He had no right to demand anything from this relationship and better silently receive whatever given to him. What if Myungsoo did not answer him when he needed him most? They were both having mental instability, but in Sungyeol’s eyes his condition was not as important as Myungsoo’s. And wasn’t it symptom of borderline personality disorder? Sungyeol had to understand, because he was also like that all the time, locking himself from others and having tendency of pushing people away. He also had mood swing and problems of controlling emotions. Two people having the same illness being in the same place just worsened the situation more, or that was what Myungsoo had tried to convey.
“I could not read your messages all the time since they only reminded how weak I am, and it sucks.”
Myungsoo did not intend to sound bothered, but Sungyeol knew better to keep his mouth shut. No more demand.
They had to get by to overcome the feelings and Myungsoo just preferred being by himself during those times. That was exactly the difference between them, because unlike him, Sungyeol needed Myungsoo to feel safe again.
During those times of Myungsoo’s break, Sungyeol was just by himself and even refused going out with Woohyun. Sometimes tears rolled down his cheeks unconsciously whenever thinking of the older. He felt so scared, so helpless, and just wished he did not exist at all. The scariest thing to Sungyeol was not only the thought that he might be left alone and be a useless freak, but also the fact that Myungsoo might be somewhere out there, being hurt and unstable and having no one to lean on. If only he could be stronger a little, maybe Myungsoo would count on him and tell Sungyeol what bothered him.
So, even though knowing his texts would not be replied at all, Sungyeol still sent them, with a hope that Myungsoo was safe and happy.
Happiness?
Such an exclusive thing to Sungyeol.
***
“The result of the final term is out Sungyeol!”
Woohyun yelled through the phone and the brunette frantically pulled out his laptop to check his grades. He took in the sight of “88” and “90” next to his name, before eventually shifting eyes to the rank and stared at the number.
He only got to the eighth among all freshmen.
Something churned in Sungyeol’s stomach and he felt so angry all of sudden. The boy wanted to throw up, but end up slapping across his cheek hard.
He could have done better, but he had not. Sungyeol had never been hard-working enough to be successful in anything. Such a useless freak.
He was not good enough after all, and it surely was a miracle if Myungsoo still wanted to meet him.
The shining razor appeared vaguely in Sungyeol’s mind and he staggered toward the bathroom in a lifeless taste, trying to find something ease him from his numbness.
Sungyeol just wanted to deserve Myungsoo, even only once.
***
Sungyeol sat at the corner of the dining table, head low as he slowly chewed on a piece of fried chicken breast. His family members were chatting merrily about the wedding of his cousin yesterday, the happy atmosphere still lingered around and the brunette was in no mood to join such topic, having nothing to talk about. Pretty bride and handsome groom, luxurious hotel and delicious food, fancy clothes and rich people, but the wedding was definitely not his thing. Sungyeol felt so suffocated with all polite smiles and formal greeting, to be honest. Not to mention he had never had a good impression on his cousin’s family, especially his uncle for being such an arrogant and condescending man. Sure, he had money and actually had never done anything to him at all, but his attitude toward Sungyeol’s family, especially his father, sometimes made Sungyeol want to throw up in hatred.
Unlike his cousins’ family, Sungyeol’s family came from the middle class of the society with his father being an officer working for the branch of national customs in Incheon, and his mother being a journalist. Sungyeol had a younger brother, and together they formed a typical model of a Korean family. Their income could not reach the excessive point, but was enough to support their sons’ study and minimum needs in daily life. There were ups and downs, sure. Anyway, the brunette was pretty content with his family.
Or maybe not, since his father had never received decent respect from his uncle.
Sungyeol’s brows furrowed a bit in annoyance, but decided to ignore the uncomfortable feeling deep down his heart.
“Sungyeollie, eat more. And why don’t you say anything dear?”
His aunt asked and the brunette blinked his eyes twice, before settling for a murmur of “I just don’t have anything to say at all.”
“Mom, if you don’t know anything about aliens or study then don’t talk to him.”
One of the two cousins laughed obnoxiously as he spoke and Sungyeol just hoped he could actually punch him. It was one more reason why the brunette had never got along with the said family. They should leave him alone, because after all they don’t even know what he was thinking or how his true person was. So why bothered?
On the opposite side of the table, his uncle was making fun of his father’s drunken state last night at the wedding and the bitter feeling in Sungyeol’s throat bubbled up again. For a while, he had to hold his breath and blinked twice, thrice, before excusing himself to go to the bathroom. The brunette caught a glimpse of his mother’s upset drawn on her face, and for some mere seconds the boy was afraid that he might burst into tears at the middle of the living room. Others might think the middle-aged man was just lightening the mood but Sungyeol and his mother knew better than that.
It was not a crime to be poorer than others, but why did his uncle had to make his family feel so low?
Sungyeol just wished he could do something, anything, to make his parents proud of him, and to show his uncle that he was not useless and the boy could be as successful as his cousins.
But how, when Sungyeol was only a mediocre freak?
He was such a failure, the boy thought as he locked the bathroom door and slid down to sit on the cold floor. Sungyeol had promised himself before that he would try to study more, try to be the best of the best with the hope that he could be outstanding and draw people’s attention on him. An attention seeker, Sungyeol knew, but he could not help it. He just wanted to be loved, be admired, and be gossiped about for how beautiful he was, how intelligent he was. He wanted to be something his father wanted to brag about, wanted to be someone his mother could proudly inform of.
But what was the reality?
He wanted to be successful, but the way before him was so hard that Sungyeol did not know where to start, or how to achieve what he wanted. Sometimes it felt like being trapped into a deadlock, where the brunette had no more strength to fight. His study result was only at a decent level, not too high, too excelled. He had to compete with students who were far more doing better than him, and what could the boy do? He was not smart at all, Sungyeol admitted. He was not smart at all and everything he had till that day was only thanks to his hard work. The boy tried to assure himself that being attentive was enough, but reality just had to slap him right on his face when Woohyun muttered something about:
“I told you, being hard-working is no help at all. No matter how hard we try, the intelligent kids always have more benefits than us with their brains.”
The shorter said it on accident, Sungyeol understood, but something inside him broke hearing those bitter words, and for once Sungyeol was actually afraid of what he was supposed to do.
He had no dream at all, or at least it was something he could not reach.
Sungyeol looked down at his pale arms and slowly stood up to search for something.
Was that the reason why Myungsoo avoided him, being disgusted of making friend with a failure?
It was a nice excuse, wasn’t it?
Sungyeol laughed bitterly to himself while reaching out for the shining item at the corner of the bathroom cabinet. Tears slowly slid down his cheeks though the smile still did not fade away. Sungyeol had always told himself to smile no matter what happened, but at the moment he felt like a dark hole was dug deep in his soul, and for a moment he almost stopped to look around to find a way to escape.
But there was no way to get rid of the annoying feeling inside his chest, and Sungyeol knew he had no escape in this world.
***
Sungyeol stared blankly at his laptop screen where Myungsoo’s twitter was displayed. Recently the older boy had been more active all of a sudden, tweeting photos almost everyday, to the point Sungyeol’s home screen was full of his tweets. The younger knew it was just an act, since Myungsoo had always had the tendency of feigning happy in front of others, but sometimes the show was just too much that Sungyeol almost cried in frustration. He could not help feeling a somewhat jealousy creeping to his side as he stared at a selca of smiling Myungsoo with his girlfriend.
Sungyeol could not comprehend which was real and which was fake anymore. Maybe Myungsoo was fine and the brunette was supposed to feel happy for him. To mentally unstable cases like them, feeling happy even for once in a while was very hard and it was truly a good sign knowing that Myungsoo was having a normal life like a normal person. But somewhere in his mind, no matter how many times the boy told himself to feel happy for the other, there was still that painful feeling telling himself that Myungsoo was happy without him. He was having a normal life where Sungyeol did not exist at all.
Sungyeol had never been the one to bring happiness for others.
The younger boy closed the twitter tab and swore to himself to never visit the page. But Sungyeol knew it was not his first time saying such a thing, and it was definitely not his last time breaking such a promise.
He just wanted to check whether Myungsoo was doing fine, okay? The boy excused, turning off his laptop.
He just wanted to check the other, even if he was only putting on a show for outsiders. It was the least the younger could do.
***
To be honest, Sungyeol had no idea when the fight about nothing between them started.
Or it was not a fight at all. It was rather like a hide-and-seek game with him whirling around, trying to catch a glimpse of the other, while Myungsoo just retreated away and became far, far away from him.
And Sungyeol felt just so stupid, with the thought that it was all his fault for letting such a thing happened.
Myungsoo had not replied any his texts for a while, which at first Sungyeol thought of as another break time. But things got worse to the brunette and Sungyeol just wished he could see the other, he missed him and could not contain his loneliness or uselessness anymore.
“Could I meet you tomorrow?”
“Sure, dear. The usual?”
It meant around 4PM after Myungsoo’s class. Sungyeol had a morning schedule so it did not matter at all. And even if it did, he would never hesitate to take a break.
“Okay hyung.”
“Okay, I will give you a call after class.”
The older chuckled lightly at the end and the brunette unconsciously blushed, a small smile graced upon Sungyeol’s lips as he drank in the sound of Myungsoo’s voice.
Finally they could meet again.
That cold afternoon, Sungyeol stood under the rain without an umbrella waiting for Myungsoo. But the older did not turn up and his heart froze for a moment, before it dropped to the ground and shattered into pieces.
“I’m sorry, I was having a headache and forgot about our date. I’m really sorry.”
And Sungyeol just lied on bed with a fever saying nothing except a murmur “It’s okay hyung, I understand.”
Truly, he did not understand at all. The boy was just so disappointed and sad, so sad that he forgot to ask about the other. Myungsoo was panting through the line and the younger should have said something to comfort him, he sounded deeply in hurt and Sungyeol was supposed to be understanding.
Instead, he chose to be an ungrateful brat.
That was his biggest mistake ever, no matter how many texts he had sent to ask others about his health later. Because after that incident, Myungsoo did not contact him anymore, and Sungyeo had no idea why. What have he done wrong? Was it because he sounded so careless and Myungsoo thought he did not care about him? He had a fever and he was just so a little bit upset, okay? Sungyeol had never had the idea of pushing Myungsoo away or valuing him less than others.
Why did he have to push the younger away like that? He could hate Sungyeol to any extent, but the brunette only needed him to reply his messages, or his calls, or doing anything to show him that he was fine. The scariness swelled more inside his heart with the fear that the older was in his break again, that he was hurt and might want to commit suicide. Or getting involved in self-harm again, because Sungyeol knew Myungsoo had picked up the habit again a few months ago with the feeling of loneliness surrounding.
Sungyeol was supposed to stand by and help him, not sitting at home being useless.
But thinking back again, had he ever been useful to others? Probably not.
The brunette tried to think of another reason. Myungsoo was a good person, Sungyeol believed. He would never care about those trivial thingy, so that meant there were surely some other problems from the younger boy.
Would it be the possibility that Sungyeol might actually like Myungsoo a little bit too much?
Sungyeol froze as the realization dawned on him.
Myungsoo was a straight guy with a girlfriend, and that thought might sicken him to death. Not to mention the person liked him was a loser, a nobody.
Yeah, definitely.
***
“So, you mean, you think you are gay?”
Woohyun asked, unsureness laced in his voice as the boy tried to find the right words. It must be awkward, Sungyeol thought and all of a sudden felt so regretful for pulling the subject out of nowhere. He was desperate and Woohyun was the only one he could tell about that, because no way in hell he would come to his mother despite loving her the most.
What if his friend was a homophobic? Would Sungyeol be beaten up into puddle after that confession? Many questions whirled around inside his head and his body felt so numb at the sensation. That surely was the end for their friendship, he gulped mentally as Woohyun still stared at him with that unreadable expression on his face.
“You once told me you liked a girl in high school, right?”
“I’m not gay Woohyun.”
Eventually Sungyeol voiced out, eyes wandered to anywhere in the café shop but the shorter’s face. He was skating on thin ice, he knew, but Woohyun had the right to know some of his secrets too, since the brunette had been too unfair to him in a long time.
“I don’t like boys Woohyun. I don’t like you either. I only like him.”
That time both boys sank in awkward silence. Sungyeol stared down at the cup of Americano in his hand, all of a sudden had an unusual interest with its dark color. He knew he was just trying to cover himself from any judgment from his friend. Sungyeol couldn’t give Woohyun the answer he wanted. He only had feeling for Myungsoo, and Sungyeol knew for sure that it was different from any loves he gave other people. It was different from the love he harbored for his family or Woohyun. And that was exactly why his mind felt so messed up, with all the strange emotions he was feeling.
What was that? Why did he feel in such a way toward Myungsoo, another boy? Why? Tangling himself in those kind of mess, the mess of relationship, was the last thing the brunette could expect, let alone with someone in the same sex. Was it because they both shared the same disorder? Maybe the sympathy and understanding Sungyeol had for the other had misled his thought and gave out delusional feeling that he might like Myungsoo as a lover, not a hyung anymore.
“Well… That does explain lots of things.”
Opposite Sungyeol, Woohyun started cautiously, taking note in the way his best friend’s shoulders tensed up just a little bit.
“What do you mean?”
“It’s just that, I’m always wondering, you know.” Woohyun sank back on to his seat, fingers casually played with the handle of the cup before him. “Something is not right at all in the way you talk about him. I tried to consider it as some kind of adoration, but maybe it’s not. You never care about others.”
“You only met me since March Woohyun. I do care about people around me.”
“Not as much as him.”
Yeah, maybe.
The other muttered as well before taking a small sip from his drink. The coffee was bitter than usual and he did not hate it, but the taste lingered a bit too long at the tip of his tongue, which reminded clearly Sungyeol of his current situation. So basically, he was a person with mental disorder, a hopeless freak harboring a somewhat unrequited love for another boy.
Woohyun must disgust him a lot then.
“But you once told me you liked a girl in high school.”
“It was three years ago, I haven’t been in any relationship after that. I just don’t have any interest in girl anymore.”
“What about guys?”
“I told you already, I don’t like guys. I only like him.”
Unconsciously Sungyeol raised his voice and Woohyun was still staring unwaveringly at him. The usual playful shelf he put on was no longer there anymore.
“I’m sorry Woohyun, I just…”
“It’s okay. I should be the one saying sorry, not you, Sungyeol.”
Woohyun licked his lips and Sungyeol knew it was his habit whenever feeling confused.
“I was a little shocked to react sooner. Just want to tell you that I don’t care. I don’t care whether you’re gay, or you like only Kim Myungsoo, or whatever.”
That time the shorter looked more confident, as his eyes were searching for Sungyeol’s, and they made contact briefly before the taller boy shifted back to his coffee. His hands clutched tightly at the material of his denims as he spoke:
“You only said that to make me feel better Woohyun.”
“No, it’s really what I think Sungyeol. Why am I still here if I disgust you? I’m not that shallow.”
Sungyeol titled his head to search for the other’s eyes again, and was greeted along with a comfort smile. And if it was in another occasion he would definitely punch the other for looking so greasy, but that day the brunette had no more desire than reaching his best friend and pulling him in for a hug. Their knees bumped under the wood table and something felt so warm washed over his body inside.
For once, Sungyeol believed that there was still another person accepting him.
“It’s definitely better if you like guys Sungyeol. At least consider me.”
Woohyun grinned again and this time Sungyeol was not hesitant at all to throw a napkin at him.
“Never in a million years, Nam oppa.”
Fade sunbeam of a late February morning tugged at the corner of Sungyeol’s smile, which warmed his heart a little bit. Still, the boy could feel it was slowly vanishing away, just like the mere acceptance he got from Woohyun. How many people would approve of him, would accept him, a so-called gay loser? Would his parents accept him? Would his whole family accept him?
A vague fear made it way into Sungyeol’s heart as he thought of his family. He was not afraid that his parents would hate him for being gay, mind you, since they were always so supportive that it actually hurt knowing that he might disappoint his beloved people one more time. The main problem was that, what if others looked down on his family for having a gay child? How could they overcome the hateful comments the society threw at them once he came out of the closet? Sungyeol would never dare imagine that. In another word, he had never had the idea of admitting that he was gay to a certain boy. It might freak anybody who heard that, and bring too many risks to his family’s life. Woohyun was the only one who should know about the fact, and Sungyeol thought he was supposed to be glad that his best friend was not holding any grudge on gay people. Anyway, it was not like everyone was the same with the shorter boy and he just could not let his selfishness do harm to his family.
But, what if Myungsoo accepted him?
The last part ached Sungyeol a lot but he still smiled with the hope that it might ease his heart.
Part II
A/n: inspiration for this piece of writing comes from the song “Disturbance” by BoA. I know this story is not very good, it’s OOC and might contain something you don’t want to read about. It’s the first time I wrote something like this, many people have done before, and I think it’s a bit cliché, but the story was written from my own feeling so please appreciate it thanks a lot for your patience and enjoy :D
Disturbance:
난 제자리에 서있는데
네 모습이 희미해져 보이지 않아
난 돌아가는 길도 몰라
그러니 내게로 와 어서 나를 구해
<<…I am standing here in the same place
But you grow faint and I can’t see you
I don’t even know my way back
So come here, hurry and save me…>>
“When you develop an infatuation for someone you always find a reason to believe that this is exactly the person for you.”
But sadly, you’re not mine.
Have never been mine.
***
“You should just talk to him, you know.”
Sungyeol looked up from his half-empty latte to stare uncertainly at his best friend, who also had a latte finished already. Woohyun only shrugged in response, fingers absentmindedly tracing invisible circles on the table.
“Yeah, maybe I will try.”
Sungyeol replied, eventually. But his throat felt strained all of a sudden and the boy did not understand at all. Only one thing he knew for sure, that he would not talk to that person first. The problem there had nothing to do with stubbornness, or anger, partly because Sungyeol was not that type. And mainly because, maybe he needed time, and Sungyeol was willing to wait till he made up his mind.
But how much longer?
“He was in his last year anyway and doesn’t have much time. You should initiate some acts soon, like, before March. He will take the graduation exam around that time.”
It was January already.
And I don’t have much time too.
“By the way, just wondering, how did you meet him? You told me he was from Seoul, while you came from Incheon and you two aren’t related at all. So how?”
“We met through some websites.”
“Through the internet? Here you are, missing someone you met through the internet, while your best friend is here in the flesh and you don’t love him at all.”
The shorter boy sulked and Sungyeol laughed softly to lighten the atmosphere.
“Nam oppa is just not my style, okay.”
He teased the other by imitating Woohyun’s greasy tone and earned a bigger pout in response.
“And what’s his name anyway?”
“It’s Myungsoo.”
The brunette answered, a faint smile unconsciously tugged at the corner of his lips as the name rolled off his tongue.
Truth be told, there were many things Woohyun did not know at all about Sungyeol, despite claiming himself as his best friend. They just met since the beginning of the school year, and the brunette thought it was fair enough for him to keep some secrets away from his friend. Because Woohyun just did not understand, and it was unlikely that he would be willing to acknowledge something such as carrying a fondness for writing and having a journal full of hidden stories. Or the fact that Sungyeol liked Japanese novels with depressing theme and brooding heavy atmosphere, not some corny, classic love stories (his friends back in high school never laid a finger on his bookshelf due to that reason). Sungyeol enjoyed afternoons at home sitting by the windows listening to some soft songs, or just lying on bed doing nothing, while Woohyun objected to such a state, insisting some outdoor and cheerful activities.
Another thing to hide away from Woohyun, or anyone else, was that person.
It was Myungsoo.
His name was Kim Myungsoo.
Myungsoo was 3 years older than Sungyeol, they studied in the same university and to be more detailed, in the same department. The only difference distinguished Myungsoo from Sungyeol, and Myungsoo from any other students, was the fact that he had a study result with flying color and a stunning appearance. While on the other hand, Sungyeol had nothing to offer at all, just a nameless freshman in the university, plain and dull, similar to any youngster picked up randomly around campus.
A nobody, he might add helpfully.
The way they acknowledged each other’s being was something Sungyeol did not feel comfortable at all to talk about, either. No one wanted to go around bragging about the fact that he was a member of a website for people having problems with depression and mental disorder. That was exactly where Sungyeol met Myungsoo, a young man with borderline personality disorder just like him, or so he thought since his parents had never been keen on the idea of sending their child to clinic for mental treatment. Their son was normal, that idea was something to be taken for granted.
The brunette did not know how and why, but among thousands of members in that website Myungsoo had found him, a silent and almost passive one. They became friends almost immediately and exchanged phone number not long after that. Myungsoo was the first person Sungyeol ever felt peaceful and being appreciated around, and the said feeling was just so beautiful that he almost burst into tears the first time they talked. The older came into his small world six months before the entrance exam rolled up, and as much as his parents pestered him about that most well-known university covering a wide range of business courses, the brunette chose another one that specialized in language teaching. He was not interested at all in economics, wanted to take a break from his old friends in high school and above all, maybe English was the only thing Sungyeol was good at. He was not outstanding in anything, being only an ordinary boy much to his disappointment.
Not to mention, Myungsoo was also studying in that university.
That spring, Sungyeol came to Seoul and started his college days with a luggage of some books and a promise of being taken care of.
Another thing about Myungsoo was that he had a girlfriend going by the name of Hyesun. They dated shortly after he met Sungyeol, and the older man was open enough to tell his younger fellow about her. Something about being in the same age, same department and both excelled students. He had no idea who initiated the act first, but she seemed to be the right person and with Myungsoo they became a good match.
Wasn’t it a pretty sight? Two outstanding persons were in love since college days, getting married after graduation and all those stuffs?
Wasn’t Myungsoo supposed to take that path of life?
“Maybe I just need to have a normal life, y’know.”
Myungsoo texted after their small talk around his affair and Sungyeol only hummed in reply, fingers lingered a little too long over his keyboard. Eventually, he settled down with a vague “Only if you feel right hyung.”
But deep down his heart, something was just not right there.
***
Sungyeol’s head pillowed on his arm as he lazily watched his writing teacher handing out the mid-term test results; she was still talking about other students in his class and the boy thought it was okay to space out a little bit. He looked out the windows and scrunched up his nose in distaste as the sun was beaming radiantly upon the sky. It was too hot and stuffy the room, even Woohyun who was sitting beside him did nothing to entertain his friend the least. The shorter boy looked dead serious, tentatively hearing any comments their teacher gave and Sungyeol almost laughed at his face.
To be honest, Woohyun was always being more competitive than Sungyeol. But saying that did not mean the brunette cared less about his study results.
“Sungyeol.”
“Yes teacher?”
Sungyeol straightened up his posture and looked up expectantly at the elder. The woman had a brief look at his piece of writing before shifting her eyes to his face:
“You did quite well this time Sungyeol.”
A faint sigh of relief escaped his lips since the brunette had been self-conscious about the test for a while and always thought that it was not good enough. Sungyeol relaxed a little bit on his seat and waited for his teacher to say something else.
“Actually, I must say, you have stability in writing and all your works are good. Maybe they can not be as excelled as Dongwoo’s, but you managed to have them all in adequate standard. Dongwoo, on the other hand, has his ups and downs. His test this time isn’t satisfactory at all I must say.”
Some groans came from the back of the classroom, and his teacher was smiling encouragingly at him, but all Sungyeol could think about was the comparison part. Still, he managed a small smile in return while taking his paper. A bright “90” was marked on the white sheet.
He was not excelled at anything, only a mediocre person. Sungyeol reminded himself and all of a sudden wanted nothing but seeing Myungsoo there.
How long had been since they last talked to each other? One month already.
Something inside him just died a little at the thought.
“And I almost forgot, how is your research for the scientific workshop for students?”
“Oh, I’ve quitted teacher.”
The old woman looked at him in surprise, and so did Woohyun but the boy just shrug it off.
“Well, such a shame here. I had hoped that you could come up with something very good.”
“Really sorry Mrs. Ahn.”
He was just not good enough to remain in that research.
***
Having such personality disorder made Sungyeol feel insecure all the time and distance himself from other people with the fear that they might leave him eventually. There was a long-lived thought the boy always embraced, that he was no good at all and just a troublesome to anyone, even his family. His health had never been good with a down-to-zero immune system, constant headaches and low blood pressure. Sungyeol could get sick easily, and if he did, it took the boy long before he could fully recover. It bothered his life too much but Sungyeol had no idea how to get by at all.
And it must be crazy to have such a thought, but Sungyeol believed that only beautiful, outstanding people such as Myungsoo had the right to be physically weak like him. At least they were intelligent, capable of doing anything in life and adored by others. That was exactly what the boy told himself every morning standing in front of the mirror being covered carefully with duct tape. Bearing a hatred of his own outer appearance developed a somewhat phobia toward mirror, and it was a pain whenever seeing his reflection.
He was not beautiful at all, rather like an ugly duckling. The big difference between the fairy tales and the reality was that the ugly duckling one day would become a swan, while Sungyeol would forever be a nerd with thick glasses and inappropriate features.
Was there any other thing about Sungyeol’s mental state he could honestly tell about? Maybe something like he had a deep fascination with blood and red color. Sungyeol laughed humorlessly at the thought while eyes lingered a bit too long at a razor.
Such a freak indeed.
Did Myungsoo love him?
Sungyeol’s mind drifted off to the other, and another smile graced upon his lips.
Better not think about that again, because no one would want to love an ugly freak like him. Not to mention, the older had a girlfriend already.
The razor was still lying innocently on the rack and he could not help but think of Myungsoo and his cut arms. Having the same mental disorder made it easier for them to understand each other, so the older man was not hesitant at all to tell Sungyeol that he actually had done self-harm. But it was a long time ago, back in high school and he hardly thought of it anymore, which was a relief to Sungyeol. No word could describe and Sungyeol thought Myungsoo might not know, but it truly hurt him knowing such a thing about the other.
What had he gone through during that period of time? Was it still hurt then? How lonely and deadlock Myungsoo had got?
Nothing could erase all the pain he had to suffer, because no matter how many times you tried to wipe them away, there were still those permanent scars - the undeniable evidences of being a failure in life.
“Just don’t, Sungyeol. Don’t do it. It was no help at all.”
Myungsoo once told him as his eyes took in the sight of his younger fellow’s boney wrist, and for a second Sungyeol wanted to say something in return, but nothing came out except a nod and an empty promise.
Promises were always empty. Thinking back about his nineteen years of life, the brunette couldn’t help concluding. A promise of being taken care of, a promise of love, or a promise of never being abandoned… all were meant to be broken and left behind nothing but a half-dead soul.
***
Myungsoo had the tendency of disappearing out of Sungyeol’s reach for a while, which meant no message and no call. The first time had left the brunette in great trauma, with the fear that Myungsoo might be fed up with him and his constant fear, he no longer wanted him anymore and it would be better for him to shut up and leave. But a few days later the older texted him to tell the younger not to be worried since it was only one of his habit whenever being too stressed out. Sometimes it was because of his parents, sometimes because of his friends, or sometimes simply because Myungsoo were in his mental instability again, which happened a lot.
“Thank you for being there Sungyeol. I so desperately needed someone to talk to about my problem and I could only think of you.”
Sungyeol felt like his chest could burst at any moment. Myungsoo just did not know how many times the younger had stared at those words, and how much they meant to him. For the first in many years, Sungyeol had a feeling of being useful, and being loved by someone other than his family. And he was content with that.
But someone like them did not easily let others slip into their world, and Sungyeol had to learn that Myungsoo could not tell him everything all the time, that he might not answer his text or his call even if Sungyeol was desperate, and that they had their own lives, where Myungsoo had a girlfriend to care about, a family to impress on while Sungyeol was a loner, trying to cope up with his uselessness.
It was okay.
It was okay to Sungyeol, and he tried to accept the fact because deep down his heart Myungsoo was just so important, so important that he could not lose him. He had no right to demand anything from this relationship and better silently receive whatever given to him. What if Myungsoo did not answer him when he needed him most? They were both having mental instability, but in Sungyeol’s eyes his condition was not as important as Myungsoo’s. And wasn’t it symptom of borderline personality disorder? Sungyeol had to understand, because he was also like that all the time, locking himself from others and having tendency of pushing people away. He also had mood swing and problems of controlling emotions. Two people having the same illness being in the same place just worsened the situation more, or that was what Myungsoo had tried to convey.
“I could not read your messages all the time since they only reminded how weak I am, and it sucks.”
Myungsoo did not intend to sound bothered, but Sungyeol knew better to keep his mouth shut. No more demand.
They had to get by to overcome the feelings and Myungsoo just preferred being by himself during those times. That was exactly the difference between them, because unlike him, Sungyeol needed Myungsoo to feel safe again.
During those times of Myungsoo’s break, Sungyeol was just by himself and even refused going out with Woohyun. Sometimes tears rolled down his cheeks unconsciously whenever thinking of the older. He felt so scared, so helpless, and just wished he did not exist at all. The scariest thing to Sungyeol was not only the thought that he might be left alone and be a useless freak, but also the fact that Myungsoo might be somewhere out there, being hurt and unstable and having no one to lean on. If only he could be stronger a little, maybe Myungsoo would count on him and tell Sungyeol what bothered him.
So, even though knowing his texts would not be replied at all, Sungyeol still sent them, with a hope that Myungsoo was safe and happy.
Happiness?
Such an exclusive thing to Sungyeol.
***
“The result of the final term is out Sungyeol!”
Woohyun yelled through the phone and the brunette frantically pulled out his laptop to check his grades. He took in the sight of “88” and “90” next to his name, before eventually shifting eyes to the rank and stared at the number.
He only got to the eighth among all freshmen.
Something churned in Sungyeol’s stomach and he felt so angry all of sudden. The boy wanted to throw up, but end up slapping across his cheek hard.
He could have done better, but he had not. Sungyeol had never been hard-working enough to be successful in anything. Such a useless freak.
He was not good enough after all, and it surely was a miracle if Myungsoo still wanted to meet him.
The shining razor appeared vaguely in Sungyeol’s mind and he staggered toward the bathroom in a lifeless taste, trying to find something ease him from his numbness.
Sungyeol just wanted to deserve Myungsoo, even only once.
***
Sungyeol sat at the corner of the dining table, head low as he slowly chewed on a piece of fried chicken breast. His family members were chatting merrily about the wedding of his cousin yesterday, the happy atmosphere still lingered around and the brunette was in no mood to join such topic, having nothing to talk about. Pretty bride and handsome groom, luxurious hotel and delicious food, fancy clothes and rich people, but the wedding was definitely not his thing. Sungyeol felt so suffocated with all polite smiles and formal greeting, to be honest. Not to mention he had never had a good impression on his cousin’s family, especially his uncle for being such an arrogant and condescending man. Sure, he had money and actually had never done anything to him at all, but his attitude toward Sungyeol’s family, especially his father, sometimes made Sungyeol want to throw up in hatred.
Unlike his cousins’ family, Sungyeol’s family came from the middle class of the society with his father being an officer working for the branch of national customs in Incheon, and his mother being a journalist. Sungyeol had a younger brother, and together they formed a typical model of a Korean family. Their income could not reach the excessive point, but was enough to support their sons’ study and minimum needs in daily life. There were ups and downs, sure. Anyway, the brunette was pretty content with his family.
Or maybe not, since his father had never received decent respect from his uncle.
Sungyeol’s brows furrowed a bit in annoyance, but decided to ignore the uncomfortable feeling deep down his heart.
“Sungyeollie, eat more. And why don’t you say anything dear?”
His aunt asked and the brunette blinked his eyes twice, before settling for a murmur of “I just don’t have anything to say at all.”
“Mom, if you don’t know anything about aliens or study then don’t talk to him.”
One of the two cousins laughed obnoxiously as he spoke and Sungyeol just hoped he could actually punch him. It was one more reason why the brunette had never got along with the said family. They should leave him alone, because after all they don’t even know what he was thinking or how his true person was. So why bothered?
On the opposite side of the table, his uncle was making fun of his father’s drunken state last night at the wedding and the bitter feeling in Sungyeol’s throat bubbled up again. For a while, he had to hold his breath and blinked twice, thrice, before excusing himself to go to the bathroom. The brunette caught a glimpse of his mother’s upset drawn on her face, and for some mere seconds the boy was afraid that he might burst into tears at the middle of the living room. Others might think the middle-aged man was just lightening the mood but Sungyeol and his mother knew better than that.
It was not a crime to be poorer than others, but why did his uncle had to make his family feel so low?
Sungyeol just wished he could do something, anything, to make his parents proud of him, and to show his uncle that he was not useless and the boy could be as successful as his cousins.
But how, when Sungyeol was only a mediocre freak?
He was such a failure, the boy thought as he locked the bathroom door and slid down to sit on the cold floor. Sungyeol had promised himself before that he would try to study more, try to be the best of the best with the hope that he could be outstanding and draw people’s attention on him. An attention seeker, Sungyeol knew, but he could not help it. He just wanted to be loved, be admired, and be gossiped about for how beautiful he was, how intelligent he was. He wanted to be something his father wanted to brag about, wanted to be someone his mother could proudly inform of.
But what was the reality?
He wanted to be successful, but the way before him was so hard that Sungyeol did not know where to start, or how to achieve what he wanted. Sometimes it felt like being trapped into a deadlock, where the brunette had no more strength to fight. His study result was only at a decent level, not too high, too excelled. He had to compete with students who were far more doing better than him, and what could the boy do? He was not smart at all, Sungyeol admitted. He was not smart at all and everything he had till that day was only thanks to his hard work. The boy tried to assure himself that being attentive was enough, but reality just had to slap him right on his face when Woohyun muttered something about:
“I told you, being hard-working is no help at all. No matter how hard we try, the intelligent kids always have more benefits than us with their brains.”
The shorter said it on accident, Sungyeol understood, but something inside him broke hearing those bitter words, and for once Sungyeol was actually afraid of what he was supposed to do.
He had no dream at all, or at least it was something he could not reach.
Sungyeol looked down at his pale arms and slowly stood up to search for something.
Was that the reason why Myungsoo avoided him, being disgusted of making friend with a failure?
It was a nice excuse, wasn’t it?
Sungyeol laughed bitterly to himself while reaching out for the shining item at the corner of the bathroom cabinet. Tears slowly slid down his cheeks though the smile still did not fade away. Sungyeol had always told himself to smile no matter what happened, but at the moment he felt like a dark hole was dug deep in his soul, and for a moment he almost stopped to look around to find a way to escape.
But there was no way to get rid of the annoying feeling inside his chest, and Sungyeol knew he had no escape in this world.
***
Sungyeol stared blankly at his laptop screen where Myungsoo’s twitter was displayed. Recently the older boy had been more active all of a sudden, tweeting photos almost everyday, to the point Sungyeol’s home screen was full of his tweets. The younger knew it was just an act, since Myungsoo had always had the tendency of feigning happy in front of others, but sometimes the show was just too much that Sungyeol almost cried in frustration. He could not help feeling a somewhat jealousy creeping to his side as he stared at a selca of smiling Myungsoo with his girlfriend.
Sungyeol could not comprehend which was real and which was fake anymore. Maybe Myungsoo was fine and the brunette was supposed to feel happy for him. To mentally unstable cases like them, feeling happy even for once in a while was very hard and it was truly a good sign knowing that Myungsoo was having a normal life like a normal person. But somewhere in his mind, no matter how many times the boy told himself to feel happy for the other, there was still that painful feeling telling himself that Myungsoo was happy without him. He was having a normal life where Sungyeol did not exist at all.
Sungyeol had never been the one to bring happiness for others.
The younger boy closed the twitter tab and swore to himself to never visit the page. But Sungyeol knew it was not his first time saying such a thing, and it was definitely not his last time breaking such a promise.
He just wanted to check whether Myungsoo was doing fine, okay? The boy excused, turning off his laptop.
He just wanted to check the other, even if he was only putting on a show for outsiders. It was the least the younger could do.
***
To be honest, Sungyeol had no idea when the fight about nothing between them started.
Or it was not a fight at all. It was rather like a hide-and-seek game with him whirling around, trying to catch a glimpse of the other, while Myungsoo just retreated away and became far, far away from him.
And Sungyeol felt just so stupid, with the thought that it was all his fault for letting such a thing happened.
Myungsoo had not replied any his texts for a while, which at first Sungyeol thought of as another break time. But things got worse to the brunette and Sungyeol just wished he could see the other, he missed him and could not contain his loneliness or uselessness anymore.
“Could I meet you tomorrow?”
“Sure, dear. The usual?”
It meant around 4PM after Myungsoo’s class. Sungyeol had a morning schedule so it did not matter at all. And even if it did, he would never hesitate to take a break.
“Okay hyung.”
“Okay, I will give you a call after class.”
The older chuckled lightly at the end and the brunette unconsciously blushed, a small smile graced upon Sungyeol’s lips as he drank in the sound of Myungsoo’s voice.
Finally they could meet again.
That cold afternoon, Sungyeol stood under the rain without an umbrella waiting for Myungsoo. But the older did not turn up and his heart froze for a moment, before it dropped to the ground and shattered into pieces.
“I’m sorry, I was having a headache and forgot about our date. I’m really sorry.”
And Sungyeol just lied on bed with a fever saying nothing except a murmur “It’s okay hyung, I understand.”
Truly, he did not understand at all. The boy was just so disappointed and sad, so sad that he forgot to ask about the other. Myungsoo was panting through the line and the younger should have said something to comfort him, he sounded deeply in hurt and Sungyeol was supposed to be understanding.
Instead, he chose to be an ungrateful brat.
That was his biggest mistake ever, no matter how many texts he had sent to ask others about his health later. Because after that incident, Myungsoo did not contact him anymore, and Sungyeo had no idea why. What have he done wrong? Was it because he sounded so careless and Myungsoo thought he did not care about him? He had a fever and he was just so a little bit upset, okay? Sungyeol had never had the idea of pushing Myungsoo away or valuing him less than others.
Why did he have to push the younger away like that? He could hate Sungyeol to any extent, but the brunette only needed him to reply his messages, or his calls, or doing anything to show him that he was fine. The scariness swelled more inside his heart with the fear that the older was in his break again, that he was hurt and might want to commit suicide. Or getting involved in self-harm again, because Sungyeol knew Myungsoo had picked up the habit again a few months ago with the feeling of loneliness surrounding.
Sungyeol was supposed to stand by and help him, not sitting at home being useless.
But thinking back again, had he ever been useful to others? Probably not.
The brunette tried to think of another reason. Myungsoo was a good person, Sungyeol believed. He would never care about those trivial thingy, so that meant there were surely some other problems from the younger boy.
Would it be the possibility that Sungyeol might actually like Myungsoo a little bit too much?
Sungyeol froze as the realization dawned on him.
Myungsoo was a straight guy with a girlfriend, and that thought might sicken him to death. Not to mention the person liked him was a loser, a nobody.
Yeah, definitely.
***
“So, you mean, you think you are gay?”
Woohyun asked, unsureness laced in his voice as the boy tried to find the right words. It must be awkward, Sungyeol thought and all of a sudden felt so regretful for pulling the subject out of nowhere. He was desperate and Woohyun was the only one he could tell about that, because no way in hell he would come to his mother despite loving her the most.
What if his friend was a homophobic? Would Sungyeol be beaten up into puddle after that confession? Many questions whirled around inside his head and his body felt so numb at the sensation. That surely was the end for their friendship, he gulped mentally as Woohyun still stared at him with that unreadable expression on his face.
“You once told me you liked a girl in high school, right?”
“I’m not gay Woohyun.”
Eventually Sungyeol voiced out, eyes wandered to anywhere in the café shop but the shorter’s face. He was skating on thin ice, he knew, but Woohyun had the right to know some of his secrets too, since the brunette had been too unfair to him in a long time.
“I don’t like boys Woohyun. I don’t like you either. I only like him.”
That time both boys sank in awkward silence. Sungyeol stared down at the cup of Americano in his hand, all of a sudden had an unusual interest with its dark color. He knew he was just trying to cover himself from any judgment from his friend. Sungyeol couldn’t give Woohyun the answer he wanted. He only had feeling for Myungsoo, and Sungyeol knew for sure that it was different from any loves he gave other people. It was different from the love he harbored for his family or Woohyun. And that was exactly why his mind felt so messed up, with all the strange emotions he was feeling.
What was that? Why did he feel in such a way toward Myungsoo, another boy? Why? Tangling himself in those kind of mess, the mess of relationship, was the last thing the brunette could expect, let alone with someone in the same sex. Was it because they both shared the same disorder? Maybe the sympathy and understanding Sungyeol had for the other had misled his thought and gave out delusional feeling that he might like Myungsoo as a lover, not a hyung anymore.
“Well… That does explain lots of things.”
Opposite Sungyeol, Woohyun started cautiously, taking note in the way his best friend’s shoulders tensed up just a little bit.
“What do you mean?”
“It’s just that, I’m always wondering, you know.” Woohyun sank back on to his seat, fingers casually played with the handle of the cup before him. “Something is not right at all in the way you talk about him. I tried to consider it as some kind of adoration, but maybe it’s not. You never care about others.”
“You only met me since March Woohyun. I do care about people around me.”
“Not as much as him.”
Yeah, maybe.
The other muttered as well before taking a small sip from his drink. The coffee was bitter than usual and he did not hate it, but the taste lingered a bit too long at the tip of his tongue, which reminded clearly Sungyeol of his current situation. So basically, he was a person with mental disorder, a hopeless freak harboring a somewhat unrequited love for another boy.
Woohyun must disgust him a lot then.
“But you once told me you liked a girl in high school.”
“It was three years ago, I haven’t been in any relationship after that. I just don’t have any interest in girl anymore.”
“What about guys?”
“I told you already, I don’t like guys. I only like him.”
Unconsciously Sungyeol raised his voice and Woohyun was still staring unwaveringly at him. The usual playful shelf he put on was no longer there anymore.
“I’m sorry Woohyun, I just…”
“It’s okay. I should be the one saying sorry, not you, Sungyeol.”
Woohyun licked his lips and Sungyeol knew it was his habit whenever feeling confused.
“I was a little shocked to react sooner. Just want to tell you that I don’t care. I don’t care whether you’re gay, or you like only Kim Myungsoo, or whatever.”
That time the shorter looked more confident, as his eyes were searching for Sungyeol’s, and they made contact briefly before the taller boy shifted back to his coffee. His hands clutched tightly at the material of his denims as he spoke:
“You only said that to make me feel better Woohyun.”
“No, it’s really what I think Sungyeol. Why am I still here if I disgust you? I’m not that shallow.”
Sungyeol titled his head to search for the other’s eyes again, and was greeted along with a comfort smile. And if it was in another occasion he would definitely punch the other for looking so greasy, but that day the brunette had no more desire than reaching his best friend and pulling him in for a hug. Their knees bumped under the wood table and something felt so warm washed over his body inside.
For once, Sungyeol believed that there was still another person accepting him.
“It’s definitely better if you like guys Sungyeol. At least consider me.”
Woohyun grinned again and this time Sungyeol was not hesitant at all to throw a napkin at him.
“Never in a million years, Nam oppa.”
Fade sunbeam of a late February morning tugged at the corner of Sungyeol’s smile, which warmed his heart a little bit. Still, the boy could feel it was slowly vanishing away, just like the mere acceptance he got from Woohyun. How many people would approve of him, would accept him, a so-called gay loser? Would his parents accept him? Would his whole family accept him?
A vague fear made it way into Sungyeol’s heart as he thought of his family. He was not afraid that his parents would hate him for being gay, mind you, since they were always so supportive that it actually hurt knowing that he might disappoint his beloved people one more time. The main problem was that, what if others looked down on his family for having a gay child? How could they overcome the hateful comments the society threw at them once he came out of the closet? Sungyeol would never dare imagine that. In another word, he had never had the idea of admitting that he was gay to a certain boy. It might freak anybody who heard that, and bring too many risks to his family’s life. Woohyun was the only one who should know about the fact, and Sungyeol thought he was supposed to be glad that his best friend was not holding any grudge on gay people. Anyway, it was not like everyone was the same with the shorter boy and he just could not let his selfishness do harm to his family.
But, what if Myungsoo accepted him?
The last part ached Sungyeol a lot but he still smiled with the hope that it might ease his heart.
Part II