The act of letting go (KyuWook version) - Oneshot
The act of letting go | KyuWook | PG | romance, angst | 5359 words
A/n: the lyric was taken from “마음으로…” by Infinite and the ending was inspired by the novel “Socrates in Love” of Katayama Kyoichi. By the way, Poby is a character in “Pororo the little Penguin.”
The act of letting go:
마주보고 하려던 그 말
차마 하지 못 했던 그 말
나 전하지도 못한 채 또 떠나
이 자리에 혼자 두고 떠나가네
<
the words I couldn’t say
Without the chance to say them
you left me alone in this place>>
It’s the first time, and maybe also the last time, KyuHyun comes to Japan.
***
They first met on a snowy day when both of them were still barely two 7-year-old kids. And out of everywhere, the first place they saw each other was in the hospital.
KyuHyun had never been fond of the thought of going to the hospital, ever since childhood and maybe to the rest of his life. He couldn’t help but feel as if his eyes went blind as the white covered up everywhere much to his dismay, and the scent of medicines was purely awful. If it hadn’t been for his grandfather’s illness then he swore he would never come here. The child concluded while sneaking out of the clinic, making his way to run to the large yard outside. It’s winter so the snow covered up everywhere, pulling a dazzling white mattress on the surroundings.
The boy sat on a small bench, swinging his legs back and forth before cocking his head aside just to find there was another child around his age was standing in the building nearby. Even through the glass windows, KyuHyun still saw the other’s pale skin and slim figure. They looked at each other for a while and out of the blue, that boy smiled, waving his thin arm at KyuHyun as if they knew each other.
Needless to say, KyuHyun was pretty crept out. So the boy quickly jumped from his seat and moved to another direction. KyuHyun didn’t look back, and actually luckily he didn’t, because he would just see the disappointed face of the other.
The snow was still falling.
The next time they met, KyuHyun was building a small snowman on the ground. It looked good and had eyes, nose and arms, but there’s no mouth on the snowman’s face. It’s not like KyuHyun couldn’t find a stick to make one, it’s just he didn’t like mouth. Because people around him talked too much while he just wanted the silence.
While KyuHyun was still busy trying to get rid of some tangled threads protruding from the soft material of his coat, a tiny hand holding a small stick slowly made its way to the face of his snowman. The dark haired boy looked up only in time to see that it was no other but the boy he saw days before.
“What are you doing?”
He asked and the other looked at him shyly:
“It doesn’t have its mouth.”
“It doesn’t need one, you…”
But before KyuHyun could say anything, the other had already stuck the wooden object on the snowman’s face, forming a small smile. He blinked few times at his snowman before gradually turning to face the strange boy. KyuHyun was supposed to snap back, as he usually did whenever somebody touched his belongings without permission. But the other had also put on a beautifully dumb smile on his face and asked:
“It looks better, right?”
Was it just the falling snow or because of that smile that KyuHyun felt as if his eyes were dazzled?
***
“You know what, I want to go to the Antarctic one day.”
RyeoWook admitted honestly while pillowing on KyuHyun’s stomach; the book he had just read minutes before was neglected in his hand.
The other 13-year-old boy just rolled eyes in return and muttered something about the bad weather condition and the danger coming from the wildlife. It disappointed RyeoWook as maybe he had hoped to see something (maybe interesting?) on KyuHyun’s monotonous expression.
“You’re no fun.”
The brunette pouted, continued playing with the hem of his shirt, still in no mood of continuing reading the novel. KyuHyun sighed at the accusation and said calmly:
“The condition in Antarctic is not good for your health.”
“But I want to see penguins there.”
“We’ll go to the zoo.”
“I also want to meet polar bears.”
RyeoWook cried then coughed lightly and KyuHyun rolled his eyes again:
“Seriously, polar bears are in Arctic, not Antarctic. Besides, I wonder whether a polar bear would slap you. They’re a bit aggressive.”
“It WILL slap you Jo KyuHyun. You’re so mean.”
“Yeah yeah, whatever.”
(Later that year when it was RyeoWook’s birthday, KyuHyun bought him a stuffed bear.
“It’s Poby!!! Oh my God it looks soooooooo cute~~~~”
RyeoWook chirped soundly in a happy manner while staring at the toy in his hands and KyuHyun just tilted his head aside, hiding a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips.
“It looks like you.”
He teased the brunette, earning a sharp slap on his arm.)
***
“Wake up, KyuHyun. Wake up.”
KyuHyun’s body was shaken gently and a small, plus familiar voice called him above his head. The boy stirred a bit under the mattress before slowly opening his eyes, only to be greeted with RyeoWook’s wide awake expression.
“What’s wrong Wook?”
He grumbled with his own words but RyeoWook just ignored the attitudes as he shoved into KyuHyun’s hands a ton of clothes, ordering:
“Wear them and follow me.”
The taller boy turned to look at the digital clock on the nightstand to read the time, only to be annoyed more:
“Kim RyeoWook, it’s barely 4 in the morning! What the hell are you playing??? I need more sleep.”
KyuHyun said and was on his half way lying back in his bed, but RyeoWook had pulled him up again to the sitting position.
“Get up now or I will throw you out from the windows.”
“You dare!”
KyuHyun retorted but finally swallowed down his words due to the look RyeoWook threw at him.
It was horrible, KyuHyun thought.
So, sort things out, they were in their winter break, and as RyeoWook’s doctor said that it would be the best if his family took him to somewhere for a small trip and outdoor activities, so after a while debating where to go, the brunette was sent to Yongpyeong ski resort. KyuHyun didn’t know why and how, but all of a sudden he received the call from the other’s mother telling him to pack his thingy and be ready to go with them. His own parents didn’t mind much, because it’s the family of KyuHyun’s best friend, so finally the said boy found himself sitting in the back of the car with RyeoWook’s father driving, RyeoWook’s mother singing, RyeoWook’s brother cracking jokes and RyeoWook himself leaning on his shoulder while sleeping.
“You know that RyeoWook really like snow, right?”
RyeoWook’s mother asked him as they were sitting at a restaurant in the resort, sipping at the hot tea (by the way, KyuHyun nearly got his tongue burnt because of it).
“Nae. What’s wrong auntie?”
“Can you have your eyes on him for us? He’s quite active and fast and… we have no idea how to handle his stubbornness. You’re his best friend so maybe he’ll follow you.”
To that point, KyuHyun couldn’t help but agree with the middle-aged woman. RyeoWook was too noisy (but luckily at least to KyuHyun it wasn’t in an annoying way) and stubborn and had too much energy that he could just jump here and there and disturb everything with his childish attitudes, plus identical high-pitched scream.
But, out of everybody, why him?
Okay, as she had said, if not KyuHyun then who else? There was only him knowing exactly what RyeoWook wanted.
Or at least he always knew, but not now.
“Your parents will strangle both of us if they know you drag me out.”
“They will never know if you don’t tell.”
“What about your brother?”
“If he dares.”
RyeoWook said, pulling KyuHyun hand to go with him. They crept out of their shared hotel room, trailing quietly through dark hallways and stairs, finally reaching their final destination: the entrance of the hotel. KyuHyun could see the way the guards raising their eyebrows at them and he wanted nothing but digging a hole and burying himself in it, but RyeoWook just feigned oblivious and grinned at them, dragging the taller boy out.
“What if we got lost?”
KyuHyun asked as they were walking side by side in a small patch leading to the skiing area, only earning a half-hearted slap from the other.
“You’re abusing me!”
He faked a cry, mimicking how the other used to react and RyeoWook rolled eyes:
“Who’s the drama queen here huh?”
Moments later, KyuHyun was standing in the skiing area, hands shoved deep down his pockets. RyeoWook was running here and there, everywhere of the white surroundings, practically yelling and laughing out loud in joy. The dark haired boy couldn’t help but wonder how he could be friend, even best friend, with someone like that. His eyes followed every movement RyeoWook made, watching the footprints gradually appeared in the snow.
The sky was still quite dark. In this cold area people could hardly see the sun till 6AM.
But who cared, KyuHyun had already been with a ball of fire right now.
“KyuHyun ah!”
RyeoWook called him and KyuHyun was pulled back from his train of thought. The boy turned his head around, only to receive a face full of snow. The boy used his hand to wipe away the white substance off his face, glaring at the direction of a laughing-to-death boy:
“Kim RyeoWook!!!”
KyuHyun hissed and RyeoWook just continued grinning, sticking his tongue out:
“Mehh~~~rong~~~”
And while the taller boy was still the process of debating whether or not he should take a revenge on the other, his friend had already had a handful of snow and throw at his face again. The act was like nothing but adding fuel to the fire of his rage.
“You’re dead meat now RyeoWook!”
KyuHyun scoffed and also bent down to gather snow into his hand, compress it into the shape of a ball before throwing the object to RyeoWook. The brunette yelped and dodged:
“You shouldn’t do that to your best friend! I’m weaker than you!”
“Who starts first???”
Their war started noisily and soon they had stopped throwing snow balls at each other, but instead shoving, wrestling and trying to trip the other up. Both faces were red and sweating even in the cold weather and negative degree. It’s not long before they were both lying on the snow breathing heavily after the fight. The two boys were cold like ice, their wet hairs stuck to many sides and coats were soaked in melting snow.
“It’s sooooo~~~~ fun~~~~”
RyeoWook beamed happily while exclaiming, though minutes before he had coughed hard and the sounds made KyuHyun feel nothing but apologetic for being a little aggressive.
“We’ll catch a cold, I swear.”
He muttered under his breath and stood up. After dusting the snow off his hair and pants, the boy stuck his hand out to a still lying RyeoWook. His friend’s hand wrapped around KyuHyun’s one firmly and the taller boy tended to pull him up. But instead of that, all of a sudden he ended up landing on the cold snow again beside the brunette. He was startled (who couldn’t) but quickly gained back his confidence and yelled:
“Yah, what’re you doing? Why did you pull me?”
But RyeoWook didn’t answer anything, only looking at KyuHyun directly in his eyes. The time seemed to stop as KyuHyun started staring back. He couldn’t help feeling as if his breath had got caught to somewhere in his body system, because the boy suddenly didn’t know how to breathe properly. His heart was thumping loudly against his ribcages and KyuHyun couldn’t help but feel the heat on his face and also on the other’s.
Being that close to RyeoWook surely makes his heart go wild.
Why did he never notice how beautiful RyeoWook actually was during those previous years? KyuHyun thought as he observed the smooth skin, small nose and brownish hair of the other. Not to mention about his pinkish lips and all of sudden they looked so close and…
Wait!
What?
Close???
His friend’s lips were clos…
KyuHyun’s brain stopped functioning as RyeoWook suddenly leaned closer to fill the gap between them and before the dark haired boy could understand, the brunette had already pressed his lips lightly on his own, fingers tugged at the sleeve cutely.
“What’s that reaction?”
The shorter boy asked, giggling softly at the blank, plus shocked expression KyuHyun wore on his face. But his laughter died down quickly because KyuHyun had already leaned forward without any hesitation, pressing their lips together again. The petite boy’s gaze grew hazy as he fluttered his eyes, pressing back into KyuHyun’s lips and inhaling deeply through his nose. And to KyuHyun, there was something strange gradually grew inside his heart and it was really the first time the boy understood the meaning of “having butterflies in your stomach.” The weather was cold and they were both soaked in water and supposed to be shivering. But why did RyeoWook’s body was felt so hot against his?
KyuHyun thought while slowly wrapping his arms around his friend as if it was the most natural thing in this universe.
***
The condition of RyeoWook’s health all of a sudden turned worse and the boy needed to spend more time in the hospital than usual. At first it was only one or two days per week, but the time flew and by the end of their second year in university, the brunette couldn’t help but drop out. RyeoWook was in hospital almost all the time, day by day having his body checked and taking medicines. “You’re a little bit ill. We need to ensure more, it will not take long.” His parents assured him when he asked them about his condition and how long he needed to be here. RyeoWook just couldn’t bear the plain white walls surrounding him every day anymore. His world was not in there, but outside, under the bright sky full of sunshine. And with him. RyeoWook wanted to run with him again, wanted to tickle the other then push him to fall on the grass, wanted them to cuddle together in the shade of the oak at the back of the campus as they used to do… Those were what they were supposed to do, not staying in a boring hospital all day long with KyuHyun came to see whether RyeoWook was fine and with RyeoWook watched as KyuHyun tried to read some chapters of his textbook while waiting for the other to have his blood pressure checked. RyeoWook wanted, RyeoWook wished, RyeoWook craved for… And he would soon be able to do them again, it would not take long; RyeoWook coaxed himself by his parents’ assurance.
However, deep down his heart, RyeoWook had already felt that there was something wrong with his body.
***
“KyuHyun ah…”
RyeoWook called him hesitantly as they were cuddling together in RyeoWook’s bed. The brunette’s parents had just finished their works and were on their way to come here, so the two boys still had at least 20 more minutes for privacy.
“Huh?”
KyuHyun hummed lightly in answer while playing with a strand of RyeoWook’s brown hair. He could feel the other cough hard against him and stiffen a bit in his arms, before slowly, he reached and pulled the top drawer of the nightstand opened. The boy looked for something for a while, and finally took out a stuffed bear from it. It didn’t take KyuHyun long to notice that it was the Poby he had given RyeoWook years ago.
“Keep it.”
“You don’t like it anymore?”
KyuHyun asked back and all of a sudden feeling as if he himself was a 6-year-old kid.
“No. It’s just… I think hospital isn’t a good place for him. He’s our bear, right? You need to take care of him too. I’ve been in charge for 6 years.”
And now it was RyeoWook’s turn to play the role of a 4-year-old boy. The jet black haired boy dropped on the forearm to support himself, their face merely inched away and he looked straight into the other’s eyes, smirking lightly:
“You talked as if he were our child.”
“N-No no I-I-I… You’re such a pervert Jo KyuHyun!”
RyeoWook stuttered as his face started to glow in pink. KyuHyun just chuckled at RyeoWook’s reaction and continued talking in a singsong way:
“What’re you thinking? I even haven’t said anything~~~”
“Whatever.”
The shorter boy grumbled and shoved his best friend off his bed.
“Hey…” KyuHyun said after a while watching RyeoWook’s back shaking with coughs (yeah, RyeoWook had already turned his back to KyuHyun), pausing briefly:
“What do you think about adopting a child after graduating?”
The words were said out of the blue and they surely gave the brunette a great shock, because RyeoWook jerked his head up right immediately after hearing them. He turned around and glared at KyuHyun, but it was a failed attempt because the tips of his ears were both red and there were confusion, yet pure interest, along with a glimpse of happiness drawn across his face.
“Geez, Stop talking nonsense here.”
He snapped and KyuHyun was supposed to scoff back as they used to do. But that time the jet black haired boy didn’t even feel any offensive here. Instead he moved closer and wrapped his arms around RyeoWook.
“Maybe right after graduating is too rushed. How about waiting for 3 or 4 more years? I’m not sure about the procedure, but we will adopt a child, ‘kay?”
“Together?”
“Together.”
“You mean, as a… family?”
“What else?”
KyuHyun answered, trying to keep a straight face while watching the already ripen tomato, aka RyeoWook’s face, turning redder as if it were possible.
“Are you sure? We’re still too young to ensure anything.”
RyeoWook asked, voice’s barely like a whisper but KyuHyun didn’t answer the question straight. His arms around RyeoWook just tightened more and the action spoke more than everything the petite boy wanted to hear.
***
It was a June night when the rain was pouring outside and unfortunately KyuHyun was stuck in RyeoWook’s room, unable to go home.
Or rather, he had tried to be stuck here.
“I will call JaeWook to bring an umbrella for you.”
The brunette offered helpfully as he was about to wrap his cell phone on the nightstand, but the other had already snatched it away from him.
“What the hell are you doing Kyu? Give it to me.”
RyeoWook shrieked, practically yelling. But KyuHyun just shrugged and put on his poker face:
“It’s raining heavily outside, your brother surely doesn’t want to be bothered. I’ll just stay here tonight.”
“It’s inconvenient.”
The brunette muttered under his breath but it was still loud enough for KyuHyun to hear clearly.
“What’s wrong? It isn’t like I haven’t seen anything.”
He said with a smug look and quickly it disappeared as a pillow was thrown, hitting perfectly at his face.
“You can lay on the bed with me.”
RyeoWook said from the bed as he watched KyuHyun prepare for his spot on the couch. The taller boy wrinkled his brows thoughtfully but finally shaking his head. The brunette frowned, standing up from his sitting position to approach KyuHyun and take his hand.
“It’s your bed Wook. I’m not supposed to lay on it.”
He turned and told his friend, but the look RyeoWook gave him and the tug on his sleeve combo was really something worth be considered about carefully. The boy was hesitated, however, minutes later he still found himself safe and sound on the same bed with his friend.
“It’s wrong, your parents will kill me if they know we sleep on the same bed.”
“So I will just kick you to the ground before they come tomorrow.”
“You dare!”
KyuHyun warned half-heartedly and RyeoWook just grinned.
The bed was a bit small for two adults, but the feeling of RyeoWook crawling closely beside him, along with the sensation of their knees touching and the fact that he could feel the other’s steady breath, fair skin were too priceless to KyuHyun’s own good. It seemed to be too right, the feeling of RyeoWook beside him, and suddenly the dark haired boy thought he had to hold back his breath a bit, because if not then he thought his heart would just leap to his throat with a high jump.
It’s weird, because it wasn’t their first time being that close. But why did KyuHyun still feel as if it was the first time?
The bed cracked slightly under the weight of the two friends on it. They laid in utter silence before RyeoWook finally spoke:
“Have you slept yet?”
“Nope.”
He answered, voice clear and genuine. Without looking the boy still knew that RyeoWook was staring at him, due to the swift change in the way the taller boy laid.
“Do you know what the most hurtful thing in love is?”
“What?”
KyuHyun widened eyes in confusion, tilting his head a bit to a have a better view of RyeoWook’s face. Somehow the brunette’s eyes were sparkling even in the dark.
“I just want to know, what do you think about it?”
“I-I don’t know…”
The answer was uncertain and KyuHyun laid there in silence for a while before asking back:
“What about you?”
“Me?” RyeoWook paused briefly “You know, everybody always thinks that the most hurtful thing in love is the death. But I don’t think so. Because, even when it’s an eternal separation, the person who’s alive still knows that his lover has always loved him to the last breath, while the other at least can feel happy, because when he left this world, there was still at least another person, apart from his family, loving him and crying for him.”
“Yeah…” KyuHyun trailed off, nodding his head understandingly. “So?”
“The most hurtful thing is the fact that two persons loving each other very much but can never be together.”
“Why?”
“Just imagine that the person you love is still alive, you two breathe in the same atmosphere and walking on the same road but never being able to meet again is really unbearable. In that case,” RyeoWook inhaled sharply “I’d rather die.”
Was it just KyuHyun’s imagination or the air in the room was suddenly becoming thicker than usual?
“KyuHyun ah…”
RyeoWook called him again and KyuHyun was hesitant, but still reply:
“Yeah?”
“If anything happens to me, don’t be down, ‘kay?”
“Silly, there will be nothing wrong. Stop being such a drama queen.”
RyeoWook laughed lightly at the words and KyuHyun’s heart ached more as the conversation between RyeoWook’s parents and his doctor days before came back to haunt his mind again.
***
“I really want to go to Japan with you…”
RyeoWook trailed off weakly while lying on his bed, pale face, shallow breath and blurred eyes and KyuHyun had to turn away to hide his own ones, because they were stung and red and watery and RyeoWook wasn’t supposed to see them. The RyeoWook lying there looked so familiar, yet different. Still that same face, same voice, same words, but where were all his sunshine and energy? KyuHyun couldn’t help but feel so empty as if someone had dug a hole in his heart.
The sounds of machines around them were annoyingly echoing in his mind and all KyuHyun wanted now was just ripping them apart. They were gradually killing him and his sane.
“Thought you wanted to go the Antarctic.”
He muttered and the other just shook head lightly:
“It’s too far, besides you don’t like Antarctic, right?”
“When did I say that?”
“I will go there alone. But we will go to Japan together, soon. Right?”
“I will arrange things and buy plane tickets.”
“We’ll go to Hokkaido.”
“We will. Next week.”
“It would be the best if it was winter now… KyuHyun ah, do you know why I love winter?” RyeoWook asked, and immediately answered his own question: “We met in a winter day, and only in winter I can feel clearly the heat of your hands wrapping around mine.”
“Too mushy.”
KyuHyun teased him in a failed attempt, his voice was cracked and the boy knew if he couldn’t hold back more, maybe he would just collapse right there.
Why was life always that unfair?
The dark haired boy thought and all of a sudden wished he had never been taken to this world, because at least he could have never met RyeoWook so he wasn’t hurt too much like this.
***
However, KyuHyun didn’t have a chance to arrange his study. The boy also never needed to buy two plane tickets to Japan anymore.
RyeoWook died on a beautiful August afternoon, peacefully and quietly.
And somehow KyuHyun just wished that the other could have waited till the winter came.
Because maybe, just maybe, RyeoWook would have felt happier.
The funeral was small and quiet, only few people came to bid a farewell to the boy. After all RyeoWook was just barely 21 and didn’t have many acquaintances. KyuHyun didn’t know why and how, but everything was too grey and dull and lifeless, and when he was brought back to the reality, the boy realized that he had been with the Kim through the funeral, greeting the guesses and acting as if he were also a family member.
“Thank you very much for today KyuHyun. RyeoWook must be very happy for having a best friend like you…”
RyeoWook’s mother choked with her own words as she gave KyuHyun the jar containing RyeoWook’s ash-bone. Behind him JaeWook, RyeoWook’s brother, was holding his portrait. In Korea and many Asia countries, if a child died before his parents, the olds in the family weren’t allowed to go to the river where his ash-bone was scattered. So from that moment, there were only KyuHyun and JaeWook seeing RyeoWook off to another world.
KyuHyun stared blankly at the jar in his hands; a sudden wave of strange feeling creeping over him as another realization dawned on him. That jar, the one he was holding right now, was the last thing reminding everybody of RyeoWook’s once existence in this world. People lived, and then just passed away simply like that, leaving behind only their ash. And even how much special RyeoWook was to KyuHyun, there was still no exception here.
RyeoWook had died, it was the fact.
RyeoWook, his RyeoWook, was in that jar.
And KyuHyun was holding RyeoWook, right now.
How ridiculous it sounded.
The sound of RyeoWook’s mother silent cry pulled KyuHyun back to the reality, timely reminding him the crystal water drops were about to fall from his eyes. The boy blinked twice and pretended to have something get into them, wiping continuously along with the salty liquid until they turned red and stung. KyuHyun’s heart throbbed as a kind of uneasy feeling tickled it inside.
They were hurt, his eyes and also his heart.
“Do you think that RyeoWook hyung is happy now?”
“What?”
KyuHyun was startled with JaeWook’s words and he quickly took a small glance at the back of the latter from behind, only to feel dumbfounded more. From that angle, somehow JaeWook looked strangely like RyeoWook. The realization hit KyuHyun and it took the boy some more seconds to finally remember that they were siblings and there wasn’t anything wrong with all the RyeoWook-look-alike thingy of JaeWook.
“I just want to know, what are you thinking about my hyung now? Do you think that he’s happy?”
The younger boy repeated calmly. Behind him KyuHyun shifted in his seat and adjusted his gaze to look at anything but the other’s back, because it reminded him of somebody he should try to get over from now on:
“I-I don’t know…”
“I think he is. At least RyeoWook hyung can never be tortured again with his disease. He must be relieved now.”
“Definitely.”
KyuHyun added quietly. Now it was time for RyeoWook to be free and relieved again, but it was also the start of KyuHyun to be trapped in his own world.
How could he leave like that, without thinking of KyuHyun’s feeling?
The jet black haired boy looked down at the jar on his lap, before tilting his head aside to glance secretly at JaeWook.
One day in November, while walking down the street, KyuHyun’s eyes out of the blue caught sight of a long winter coat on sale in the shop near his house. It didn’t take the boy long to notice that it was the kind of RyeoWook’s favorite coat, and it seemed to fit the other well. Without thinking twice, KyuHyun pushed the door of that shop opened and walked inside.
That night, in the park they used to go together, KyuHyun burnt the coat. As the coat was engulfed by fire, gradually turned into ash, KyuHyun silently stood there watching the whole process. He barely looked up at the silver moon above his head when the fire was about to die out, wondering whether RyeoWook also needed gloves and shoes, wondering whether he was still cold.
That winter, KyuHyun didn’t wear his coat.
And also the next year.
And even the following year of that one.
***
KyuHyun stops barely as he reached the top of a small hill. The cold breezes are blowing and trees are swaying here and there, gently in a slow waltz. The sky looks so deep and clear like a piece of blue crystal. The male looks up and his eyes slowly follow the trail of pale sunshine drawing a narrow line across the sky far away. KyuHyun still isn’t wearing a coat, as he has always been all these years, but the boy doesn’t even shiver a little bit.
He isn’t supposed to be shivered when RyeoWook’s still cold.
“KyuHyun ah, what do you want to do after graduating?”
“Find a job, what else?”
“Geez… But I want to travel around the world.”
“So?”
“You have to go with me.”
“Silly, where’s that logic?”
“Because you love me, right?”
All of a sudden the image of RyeoWook running to him while smiling brightly, like a slow-motion, is replayed vividly in KyuHyun’s mind and the boy has to hold back his breath, because his heart is hurt and maybe it’s going to explode soon, with all these overwhelmed feeling flowing through his veins.
The snow looks so flawless and beautiful, KyuHyun just wishes he could see the footprints RyeoWook leaves in them as he did in the night they escaped and had their first kiss.
He just wishes he could tell RyeoWook more about his feeling, not just keeping silent and letting him go without a word like he did on that August day.
Where’s RyeoWook, in KyuHyun’s memory?
The boy shoves his hand into his bag and slowly takes out a small jar. He has always taken it with him everywhere he goes, from Korea to China, America, France, Italy, Antarctic and now Japan, before going back to his home country. He would just keep it here, with him for the rest of his life. But somewhere between the dreams about RyeoWook and the reality, KyuHyun knows that he doesn’t have to anymore.
Or rather, he needs to let go. Because it’s RyeoWook’s hope.
Another cold breeze blows and KyuHyun hears nothing but the utter silence enveloping him. The boy’s hesitant in a flash, wondering whether he will be regretted after this decision. But his fingers have already twisted opened the cap.
“Goodbye, RyeoWook.”
KyuHyun whispers quietly, his hand stretches out to draw an invisible arc on the air. The bone-ash of RyeoWook contained in the jar slowly flies away, mixing with the flawless snow also starts falling from the sky.
And the wind takes RyeoWook away from KyuHyun forever.
END.
A/n: the lyric was taken from “마음으로…” by Infinite and the ending was inspired by the novel “Socrates in Love” of Katayama Kyoichi. By the way, Poby is a character in “Pororo the little Penguin.”
The act of letting go:
마주보고 하려던 그 말
차마 하지 못 했던 그 말
나 전하지도 못한 채 또 떠나
이 자리에 혼자 두고 떠나가네
<
the words I couldn’t say
Without the chance to say them
you left me alone in this place>>
It’s the first time, and maybe also the last time, KyuHyun comes to Japan.
***
They first met on a snowy day when both of them were still barely two 7-year-old kids. And out of everywhere, the first place they saw each other was in the hospital.
KyuHyun had never been fond of the thought of going to the hospital, ever since childhood and maybe to the rest of his life. He couldn’t help but feel as if his eyes went blind as the white covered up everywhere much to his dismay, and the scent of medicines was purely awful. If it hadn’t been for his grandfather’s illness then he swore he would never come here. The child concluded while sneaking out of the clinic, making his way to run to the large yard outside. It’s winter so the snow covered up everywhere, pulling a dazzling white mattress on the surroundings.
The boy sat on a small bench, swinging his legs back and forth before cocking his head aside just to find there was another child around his age was standing in the building nearby. Even through the glass windows, KyuHyun still saw the other’s pale skin and slim figure. They looked at each other for a while and out of the blue, that boy smiled, waving his thin arm at KyuHyun as if they knew each other.
Needless to say, KyuHyun was pretty crept out. So the boy quickly jumped from his seat and moved to another direction. KyuHyun didn’t look back, and actually luckily he didn’t, because he would just see the disappointed face of the other.
The snow was still falling.
The next time they met, KyuHyun was building a small snowman on the ground. It looked good and had eyes, nose and arms, but there’s no mouth on the snowman’s face. It’s not like KyuHyun couldn’t find a stick to make one, it’s just he didn’t like mouth. Because people around him talked too much while he just wanted the silence.
While KyuHyun was still busy trying to get rid of some tangled threads protruding from the soft material of his coat, a tiny hand holding a small stick slowly made its way to the face of his snowman. The dark haired boy looked up only in time to see that it was no other but the boy he saw days before.
“What are you doing?”
He asked and the other looked at him shyly:
“It doesn’t have its mouth.”
“It doesn’t need one, you…”
But before KyuHyun could say anything, the other had already stuck the wooden object on the snowman’s face, forming a small smile. He blinked few times at his snowman before gradually turning to face the strange boy. KyuHyun was supposed to snap back, as he usually did whenever somebody touched his belongings without permission. But the other had also put on a beautifully dumb smile on his face and asked:
“It looks better, right?”
Was it just the falling snow or because of that smile that KyuHyun felt as if his eyes were dazzled?
***
“You know what, I want to go to the Antarctic one day.”
RyeoWook admitted honestly while pillowing on KyuHyun’s stomach; the book he had just read minutes before was neglected in his hand.
The other 13-year-old boy just rolled eyes in return and muttered something about the bad weather condition and the danger coming from the wildlife. It disappointed RyeoWook as maybe he had hoped to see something (maybe interesting?) on KyuHyun’s monotonous expression.
“You’re no fun.”
The brunette pouted, continued playing with the hem of his shirt, still in no mood of continuing reading the novel. KyuHyun sighed at the accusation and said calmly:
“The condition in Antarctic is not good for your health.”
“But I want to see penguins there.”
“We’ll go to the zoo.”
“I also want to meet polar bears.”
RyeoWook cried then coughed lightly and KyuHyun rolled his eyes again:
“Seriously, polar bears are in Arctic, not Antarctic. Besides, I wonder whether a polar bear would slap you. They’re a bit aggressive.”
“It WILL slap you Jo KyuHyun. You’re so mean.”
“Yeah yeah, whatever.”
(Later that year when it was RyeoWook’s birthday, KyuHyun bought him a stuffed bear.
“It’s Poby!!! Oh my God it looks soooooooo cute~~~~”
RyeoWook chirped soundly in a happy manner while staring at the toy in his hands and KyuHyun just tilted his head aside, hiding a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips.
“It looks like you.”
He teased the brunette, earning a sharp slap on his arm.)
***
“Wake up, KyuHyun. Wake up.”
KyuHyun’s body was shaken gently and a small, plus familiar voice called him above his head. The boy stirred a bit under the mattress before slowly opening his eyes, only to be greeted with RyeoWook’s wide awake expression.
“What’s wrong Wook?”
He grumbled with his own words but RyeoWook just ignored the attitudes as he shoved into KyuHyun’s hands a ton of clothes, ordering:
“Wear them and follow me.”
The taller boy turned to look at the digital clock on the nightstand to read the time, only to be annoyed more:
“Kim RyeoWook, it’s barely 4 in the morning! What the hell are you playing??? I need more sleep.”
KyuHyun said and was on his half way lying back in his bed, but RyeoWook had pulled him up again to the sitting position.
“Get up now or I will throw you out from the windows.”
“You dare!”
KyuHyun retorted but finally swallowed down his words due to the look RyeoWook threw at him.
It was horrible, KyuHyun thought.
So, sort things out, they were in their winter break, and as RyeoWook’s doctor said that it would be the best if his family took him to somewhere for a small trip and outdoor activities, so after a while debating where to go, the brunette was sent to Yongpyeong ski resort. KyuHyun didn’t know why and how, but all of a sudden he received the call from the other’s mother telling him to pack his thingy and be ready to go with them. His own parents didn’t mind much, because it’s the family of KyuHyun’s best friend, so finally the said boy found himself sitting in the back of the car with RyeoWook’s father driving, RyeoWook’s mother singing, RyeoWook’s brother cracking jokes and RyeoWook himself leaning on his shoulder while sleeping.
“You know that RyeoWook really like snow, right?”
RyeoWook’s mother asked him as they were sitting at a restaurant in the resort, sipping at the hot tea (by the way, KyuHyun nearly got his tongue burnt because of it).
“Nae. What’s wrong auntie?”
“Can you have your eyes on him for us? He’s quite active and fast and… we have no idea how to handle his stubbornness. You’re his best friend so maybe he’ll follow you.”
To that point, KyuHyun couldn’t help but agree with the middle-aged woman. RyeoWook was too noisy (but luckily at least to KyuHyun it wasn’t in an annoying way) and stubborn and had too much energy that he could just jump here and there and disturb everything with his childish attitudes, plus identical high-pitched scream.
But, out of everybody, why him?
Okay, as she had said, if not KyuHyun then who else? There was only him knowing exactly what RyeoWook wanted.
Or at least he always knew, but not now.
“Your parents will strangle both of us if they know you drag me out.”
“They will never know if you don’t tell.”
“What about your brother?”
“If he dares.”
RyeoWook said, pulling KyuHyun hand to go with him. They crept out of their shared hotel room, trailing quietly through dark hallways and stairs, finally reaching their final destination: the entrance of the hotel. KyuHyun could see the way the guards raising their eyebrows at them and he wanted nothing but digging a hole and burying himself in it, but RyeoWook just feigned oblivious and grinned at them, dragging the taller boy out.
“What if we got lost?”
KyuHyun asked as they were walking side by side in a small patch leading to the skiing area, only earning a half-hearted slap from the other.
“You’re abusing me!”
He faked a cry, mimicking how the other used to react and RyeoWook rolled eyes:
“Who’s the drama queen here huh?”
Moments later, KyuHyun was standing in the skiing area, hands shoved deep down his pockets. RyeoWook was running here and there, everywhere of the white surroundings, practically yelling and laughing out loud in joy. The dark haired boy couldn’t help but wonder how he could be friend, even best friend, with someone like that. His eyes followed every movement RyeoWook made, watching the footprints gradually appeared in the snow.
The sky was still quite dark. In this cold area people could hardly see the sun till 6AM.
But who cared, KyuHyun had already been with a ball of fire right now.
“KyuHyun ah!”
RyeoWook called him and KyuHyun was pulled back from his train of thought. The boy turned his head around, only to receive a face full of snow. The boy used his hand to wipe away the white substance off his face, glaring at the direction of a laughing-to-death boy:
“Kim RyeoWook!!!”
KyuHyun hissed and RyeoWook just continued grinning, sticking his tongue out:
“Mehh~~~rong~~~”
And while the taller boy was still the process of debating whether or not he should take a revenge on the other, his friend had already had a handful of snow and throw at his face again. The act was like nothing but adding fuel to the fire of his rage.
“You’re dead meat now RyeoWook!”
KyuHyun scoffed and also bent down to gather snow into his hand, compress it into the shape of a ball before throwing the object to RyeoWook. The brunette yelped and dodged:
“You shouldn’t do that to your best friend! I’m weaker than you!”
“Who starts first???”
Their war started noisily and soon they had stopped throwing snow balls at each other, but instead shoving, wrestling and trying to trip the other up. Both faces were red and sweating even in the cold weather and negative degree. It’s not long before they were both lying on the snow breathing heavily after the fight. The two boys were cold like ice, their wet hairs stuck to many sides and coats were soaked in melting snow.
“It’s sooooo~~~~ fun~~~~”
RyeoWook beamed happily while exclaiming, though minutes before he had coughed hard and the sounds made KyuHyun feel nothing but apologetic for being a little aggressive.
“We’ll catch a cold, I swear.”
He muttered under his breath and stood up. After dusting the snow off his hair and pants, the boy stuck his hand out to a still lying RyeoWook. His friend’s hand wrapped around KyuHyun’s one firmly and the taller boy tended to pull him up. But instead of that, all of a sudden he ended up landing on the cold snow again beside the brunette. He was startled (who couldn’t) but quickly gained back his confidence and yelled:
“Yah, what’re you doing? Why did you pull me?”
But RyeoWook didn’t answer anything, only looking at KyuHyun directly in his eyes. The time seemed to stop as KyuHyun started staring back. He couldn’t help feeling as if his breath had got caught to somewhere in his body system, because the boy suddenly didn’t know how to breathe properly. His heart was thumping loudly against his ribcages and KyuHyun couldn’t help but feel the heat on his face and also on the other’s.
Being that close to RyeoWook surely makes his heart go wild.
Why did he never notice how beautiful RyeoWook actually was during those previous years? KyuHyun thought as he observed the smooth skin, small nose and brownish hair of the other. Not to mention about his pinkish lips and all of sudden they looked so close and…
Wait!
What?
Close???
His friend’s lips were clos…
KyuHyun’s brain stopped functioning as RyeoWook suddenly leaned closer to fill the gap between them and before the dark haired boy could understand, the brunette had already pressed his lips lightly on his own, fingers tugged at the sleeve cutely.
“What’s that reaction?”
The shorter boy asked, giggling softly at the blank, plus shocked expression KyuHyun wore on his face. But his laughter died down quickly because KyuHyun had already leaned forward without any hesitation, pressing their lips together again. The petite boy’s gaze grew hazy as he fluttered his eyes, pressing back into KyuHyun’s lips and inhaling deeply through his nose. And to KyuHyun, there was something strange gradually grew inside his heart and it was really the first time the boy understood the meaning of “having butterflies in your stomach.” The weather was cold and they were both soaked in water and supposed to be shivering. But why did RyeoWook’s body was felt so hot against his?
KyuHyun thought while slowly wrapping his arms around his friend as if it was the most natural thing in this universe.
***
The condition of RyeoWook’s health all of a sudden turned worse and the boy needed to spend more time in the hospital than usual. At first it was only one or two days per week, but the time flew and by the end of their second year in university, the brunette couldn’t help but drop out. RyeoWook was in hospital almost all the time, day by day having his body checked and taking medicines. “You’re a little bit ill. We need to ensure more, it will not take long.” His parents assured him when he asked them about his condition and how long he needed to be here. RyeoWook just couldn’t bear the plain white walls surrounding him every day anymore. His world was not in there, but outside, under the bright sky full of sunshine. And with him. RyeoWook wanted to run with him again, wanted to tickle the other then push him to fall on the grass, wanted them to cuddle together in the shade of the oak at the back of the campus as they used to do… Those were what they were supposed to do, not staying in a boring hospital all day long with KyuHyun came to see whether RyeoWook was fine and with RyeoWook watched as KyuHyun tried to read some chapters of his textbook while waiting for the other to have his blood pressure checked. RyeoWook wanted, RyeoWook wished, RyeoWook craved for… And he would soon be able to do them again, it would not take long; RyeoWook coaxed himself by his parents’ assurance.
However, deep down his heart, RyeoWook had already felt that there was something wrong with his body.
***
“KyuHyun ah…”
RyeoWook called him hesitantly as they were cuddling together in RyeoWook’s bed. The brunette’s parents had just finished their works and were on their way to come here, so the two boys still had at least 20 more minutes for privacy.
“Huh?”
KyuHyun hummed lightly in answer while playing with a strand of RyeoWook’s brown hair. He could feel the other cough hard against him and stiffen a bit in his arms, before slowly, he reached and pulled the top drawer of the nightstand opened. The boy looked for something for a while, and finally took out a stuffed bear from it. It didn’t take KyuHyun long to notice that it was the Poby he had given RyeoWook years ago.
“Keep it.”
“You don’t like it anymore?”
KyuHyun asked back and all of a sudden feeling as if he himself was a 6-year-old kid.
“No. It’s just… I think hospital isn’t a good place for him. He’s our bear, right? You need to take care of him too. I’ve been in charge for 6 years.”
And now it was RyeoWook’s turn to play the role of a 4-year-old boy. The jet black haired boy dropped on the forearm to support himself, their face merely inched away and he looked straight into the other’s eyes, smirking lightly:
“You talked as if he were our child.”
“N-No no I-I-I… You’re such a pervert Jo KyuHyun!”
RyeoWook stuttered as his face started to glow in pink. KyuHyun just chuckled at RyeoWook’s reaction and continued talking in a singsong way:
“What’re you thinking? I even haven’t said anything~~~”
“Whatever.”
The shorter boy grumbled and shoved his best friend off his bed.
“Hey…” KyuHyun said after a while watching RyeoWook’s back shaking with coughs (yeah, RyeoWook had already turned his back to KyuHyun), pausing briefly:
“What do you think about adopting a child after graduating?”
The words were said out of the blue and they surely gave the brunette a great shock, because RyeoWook jerked his head up right immediately after hearing them. He turned around and glared at KyuHyun, but it was a failed attempt because the tips of his ears were both red and there were confusion, yet pure interest, along with a glimpse of happiness drawn across his face.
“Geez, Stop talking nonsense here.”
He snapped and KyuHyun was supposed to scoff back as they used to do. But that time the jet black haired boy didn’t even feel any offensive here. Instead he moved closer and wrapped his arms around RyeoWook.
“Maybe right after graduating is too rushed. How about waiting for 3 or 4 more years? I’m not sure about the procedure, but we will adopt a child, ‘kay?”
“Together?”
“Together.”
“You mean, as a… family?”
“What else?”
KyuHyun answered, trying to keep a straight face while watching the already ripen tomato, aka RyeoWook’s face, turning redder as if it were possible.
“Are you sure? We’re still too young to ensure anything.”
RyeoWook asked, voice’s barely like a whisper but KyuHyun didn’t answer the question straight. His arms around RyeoWook just tightened more and the action spoke more than everything the petite boy wanted to hear.
***
It was a June night when the rain was pouring outside and unfortunately KyuHyun was stuck in RyeoWook’s room, unable to go home.
Or rather, he had tried to be stuck here.
“I will call JaeWook to bring an umbrella for you.”
The brunette offered helpfully as he was about to wrap his cell phone on the nightstand, but the other had already snatched it away from him.
“What the hell are you doing Kyu? Give it to me.”
RyeoWook shrieked, practically yelling. But KyuHyun just shrugged and put on his poker face:
“It’s raining heavily outside, your brother surely doesn’t want to be bothered. I’ll just stay here tonight.”
“It’s inconvenient.”
The brunette muttered under his breath but it was still loud enough for KyuHyun to hear clearly.
“What’s wrong? It isn’t like I haven’t seen anything.”
He said with a smug look and quickly it disappeared as a pillow was thrown, hitting perfectly at his face.
“You can lay on the bed with me.”
RyeoWook said from the bed as he watched KyuHyun prepare for his spot on the couch. The taller boy wrinkled his brows thoughtfully but finally shaking his head. The brunette frowned, standing up from his sitting position to approach KyuHyun and take his hand.
“It’s your bed Wook. I’m not supposed to lay on it.”
He turned and told his friend, but the look RyeoWook gave him and the tug on his sleeve combo was really something worth be considered about carefully. The boy was hesitated, however, minutes later he still found himself safe and sound on the same bed with his friend.
“It’s wrong, your parents will kill me if they know we sleep on the same bed.”
“So I will just kick you to the ground before they come tomorrow.”
“You dare!”
KyuHyun warned half-heartedly and RyeoWook just grinned.
The bed was a bit small for two adults, but the feeling of RyeoWook crawling closely beside him, along with the sensation of their knees touching and the fact that he could feel the other’s steady breath, fair skin were too priceless to KyuHyun’s own good. It seemed to be too right, the feeling of RyeoWook beside him, and suddenly the dark haired boy thought he had to hold back his breath a bit, because if not then he thought his heart would just leap to his throat with a high jump.
It’s weird, because it wasn’t their first time being that close. But why did KyuHyun still feel as if it was the first time?
The bed cracked slightly under the weight of the two friends on it. They laid in utter silence before RyeoWook finally spoke:
“Have you slept yet?”
“Nope.”
He answered, voice clear and genuine. Without looking the boy still knew that RyeoWook was staring at him, due to the swift change in the way the taller boy laid.
“Do you know what the most hurtful thing in love is?”
“What?”
KyuHyun widened eyes in confusion, tilting his head a bit to a have a better view of RyeoWook’s face. Somehow the brunette’s eyes were sparkling even in the dark.
“I just want to know, what do you think about it?”
“I-I don’t know…”
The answer was uncertain and KyuHyun laid there in silence for a while before asking back:
“What about you?”
“Me?” RyeoWook paused briefly “You know, everybody always thinks that the most hurtful thing in love is the death. But I don’t think so. Because, even when it’s an eternal separation, the person who’s alive still knows that his lover has always loved him to the last breath, while the other at least can feel happy, because when he left this world, there was still at least another person, apart from his family, loving him and crying for him.”
“Yeah…” KyuHyun trailed off, nodding his head understandingly. “So?”
“The most hurtful thing is the fact that two persons loving each other very much but can never be together.”
“Why?”
“Just imagine that the person you love is still alive, you two breathe in the same atmosphere and walking on the same road but never being able to meet again is really unbearable. In that case,” RyeoWook inhaled sharply “I’d rather die.”
Was it just KyuHyun’s imagination or the air in the room was suddenly becoming thicker than usual?
“KyuHyun ah…”
RyeoWook called him again and KyuHyun was hesitant, but still reply:
“Yeah?”
“If anything happens to me, don’t be down, ‘kay?”
“Silly, there will be nothing wrong. Stop being such a drama queen.”
RyeoWook laughed lightly at the words and KyuHyun’s heart ached more as the conversation between RyeoWook’s parents and his doctor days before came back to haunt his mind again.
***
“I really want to go to Japan with you…”
RyeoWook trailed off weakly while lying on his bed, pale face, shallow breath and blurred eyes and KyuHyun had to turn away to hide his own ones, because they were stung and red and watery and RyeoWook wasn’t supposed to see them. The RyeoWook lying there looked so familiar, yet different. Still that same face, same voice, same words, but where were all his sunshine and energy? KyuHyun couldn’t help but feel so empty as if someone had dug a hole in his heart.
The sounds of machines around them were annoyingly echoing in his mind and all KyuHyun wanted now was just ripping them apart. They were gradually killing him and his sane.
“Thought you wanted to go the Antarctic.”
He muttered and the other just shook head lightly:
“It’s too far, besides you don’t like Antarctic, right?”
“When did I say that?”
“I will go there alone. But we will go to Japan together, soon. Right?”
“I will arrange things and buy plane tickets.”
“We’ll go to Hokkaido.”
“We will. Next week.”
“It would be the best if it was winter now… KyuHyun ah, do you know why I love winter?” RyeoWook asked, and immediately answered his own question: “We met in a winter day, and only in winter I can feel clearly the heat of your hands wrapping around mine.”
“Too mushy.”
KyuHyun teased him in a failed attempt, his voice was cracked and the boy knew if he couldn’t hold back more, maybe he would just collapse right there.
Why was life always that unfair?
The dark haired boy thought and all of a sudden wished he had never been taken to this world, because at least he could have never met RyeoWook so he wasn’t hurt too much like this.
***
However, KyuHyun didn’t have a chance to arrange his study. The boy also never needed to buy two plane tickets to Japan anymore.
RyeoWook died on a beautiful August afternoon, peacefully and quietly.
And somehow KyuHyun just wished that the other could have waited till the winter came.
Because maybe, just maybe, RyeoWook would have felt happier.
The funeral was small and quiet, only few people came to bid a farewell to the boy. After all RyeoWook was just barely 21 and didn’t have many acquaintances. KyuHyun didn’t know why and how, but everything was too grey and dull and lifeless, and when he was brought back to the reality, the boy realized that he had been with the Kim through the funeral, greeting the guesses and acting as if he were also a family member.
“Thank you very much for today KyuHyun. RyeoWook must be very happy for having a best friend like you…”
RyeoWook’s mother choked with her own words as she gave KyuHyun the jar containing RyeoWook’s ash-bone. Behind him JaeWook, RyeoWook’s brother, was holding his portrait. In Korea and many Asia countries, if a child died before his parents, the olds in the family weren’t allowed to go to the river where his ash-bone was scattered. So from that moment, there were only KyuHyun and JaeWook seeing RyeoWook off to another world.
KyuHyun stared blankly at the jar in his hands; a sudden wave of strange feeling creeping over him as another realization dawned on him. That jar, the one he was holding right now, was the last thing reminding everybody of RyeoWook’s once existence in this world. People lived, and then just passed away simply like that, leaving behind only their ash. And even how much special RyeoWook was to KyuHyun, there was still no exception here.
RyeoWook had died, it was the fact.
RyeoWook, his RyeoWook, was in that jar.
And KyuHyun was holding RyeoWook, right now.
How ridiculous it sounded.
The sound of RyeoWook’s mother silent cry pulled KyuHyun back to the reality, timely reminding him the crystal water drops were about to fall from his eyes. The boy blinked twice and pretended to have something get into them, wiping continuously along with the salty liquid until they turned red and stung. KyuHyun’s heart throbbed as a kind of uneasy feeling tickled it inside.
They were hurt, his eyes and also his heart.
“Do you think that RyeoWook hyung is happy now?”
“What?”
KyuHyun was startled with JaeWook’s words and he quickly took a small glance at the back of the latter from behind, only to feel dumbfounded more. From that angle, somehow JaeWook looked strangely like RyeoWook. The realization hit KyuHyun and it took the boy some more seconds to finally remember that they were siblings and there wasn’t anything wrong with all the RyeoWook-look-alike thingy of JaeWook.
“I just want to know, what are you thinking about my hyung now? Do you think that he’s happy?”
The younger boy repeated calmly. Behind him KyuHyun shifted in his seat and adjusted his gaze to look at anything but the other’s back, because it reminded him of somebody he should try to get over from now on:
“I-I don’t know…”
“I think he is. At least RyeoWook hyung can never be tortured again with his disease. He must be relieved now.”
“Definitely.”
KyuHyun added quietly. Now it was time for RyeoWook to be free and relieved again, but it was also the start of KyuHyun to be trapped in his own world.
How could he leave like that, without thinking of KyuHyun’s feeling?
The jet black haired boy looked down at the jar on his lap, before tilting his head aside to glance secretly at JaeWook.
One day in November, while walking down the street, KyuHyun’s eyes out of the blue caught sight of a long winter coat on sale in the shop near his house. It didn’t take the boy long to notice that it was the kind of RyeoWook’s favorite coat, and it seemed to fit the other well. Without thinking twice, KyuHyun pushed the door of that shop opened and walked inside.
That night, in the park they used to go together, KyuHyun burnt the coat. As the coat was engulfed by fire, gradually turned into ash, KyuHyun silently stood there watching the whole process. He barely looked up at the silver moon above his head when the fire was about to die out, wondering whether RyeoWook also needed gloves and shoes, wondering whether he was still cold.
That winter, KyuHyun didn’t wear his coat.
And also the next year.
And even the following year of that one.
***
KyuHyun stops barely as he reached the top of a small hill. The cold breezes are blowing and trees are swaying here and there, gently in a slow waltz. The sky looks so deep and clear like a piece of blue crystal. The male looks up and his eyes slowly follow the trail of pale sunshine drawing a narrow line across the sky far away. KyuHyun still isn’t wearing a coat, as he has always been all these years, but the boy doesn’t even shiver a little bit.
He isn’t supposed to be shivered when RyeoWook’s still cold.
“KyuHyun ah, what do you want to do after graduating?”
“Find a job, what else?”
“Geez… But I want to travel around the world.”
“So?”
“You have to go with me.”
“Silly, where’s that logic?”
“Because you love me, right?”
All of a sudden the image of RyeoWook running to him while smiling brightly, like a slow-motion, is replayed vividly in KyuHyun’s mind and the boy has to hold back his breath, because his heart is hurt and maybe it’s going to explode soon, with all these overwhelmed feeling flowing through his veins.
The snow looks so flawless and beautiful, KyuHyun just wishes he could see the footprints RyeoWook leaves in them as he did in the night they escaped and had their first kiss.
He just wishes he could tell RyeoWook more about his feeling, not just keeping silent and letting him go without a word like he did on that August day.
Where’s RyeoWook, in KyuHyun’s memory?
The boy shoves his hand into his bag and slowly takes out a small jar. He has always taken it with him everywhere he goes, from Korea to China, America, France, Italy, Antarctic and now Japan, before going back to his home country. He would just keep it here, with him for the rest of his life. But somewhere between the dreams about RyeoWook and the reality, KyuHyun knows that he doesn’t have to anymore.
Or rather, he needs to let go. Because it’s RyeoWook’s hope.
Another cold breeze blows and KyuHyun hears nothing but the utter silence enveloping him. The boy’s hesitant in a flash, wondering whether he will be regretted after this decision. But his fingers have already twisted opened the cap.
“Goodbye, RyeoWook.”
KyuHyun whispers quietly, his hand stretches out to draw an invisible arc on the air. The bone-ash of RyeoWook contained in the jar slowly flies away, mixing with the flawless snow also starts falling from the sky.
And the wind takes RyeoWook away from KyuHyun forever.
END.