Brief recap
While I knew it was going to be hard going to Balticon, I didn't realize how hard. I didn't get to the hotel until late Saturday, and was dead tired. I slept for half an hour before going to the con hotel (I was in another hotel across the highway). I watched some medieval dancing, which was fun, talked briefly with starmalachite and went out to dinner with ccrazy and friends (who make incredibly lovely chain-mail jewelry) which was nice, though Steak and Ale is another place that doesn't know how to make a steak medium well without making it either bloody or dry. After dinner I hung around outside the masquerade area, hoping to see Persis and watching the various people. Then I went to open filk, and did ok until a lovely group of young women sang a song about having time. I managed not to burst into tears in filk room, but went and cried in the ladies room for 15 minutes before pulling myself together enough to say goodnight to a couple of people and to go back to my hotel. Then I was lucky enough to talk to mdyesowitch who, in spite of our somewhat depressing conversation, still made me feel better, and helped me find my phone, which I'd dropped at the con hotel. I was asleep less than an hour after going to bed.
I was incredibly depressed when I got up in the morning, but showered and ate breakfast and made it to the con hotel by 8:45. I hung around and crocheted while waiting for a "bead workshop" which turned out to be for kids. So I went and glanced at pretties in the dealers' room (did not buy anything), then returned for the children's concert. Gorgeous Gary, Decadent Dave, Stone Dragon (Tom and Sue Jeffers) and Urban Tapestry did a wonderful job, of course. I lost it a little during the Hockey Monkey song (Greg always wished someone would send us off from a con with it one day, it was one of his favorite songs) and when I heard Dave singing, I couldn't help crying. Dave's voice reminds me of comfort and security and love, all of which feel like they are lacking in my life right now (not to say that the love of my friends doesn't count, but it is different). I don't think I'll ever hear Dave's voice without thining of Greg holding me while we listened to "45 Years" or Greg laughing at me trying to get up the courage to ask Dave to sing "Highwayman". His voice reminds me of the tone of Greg's when we used to talk late at night on the phone when we were dating, or snuggled together talking about worries.
After the concert I had a lovely brunch with UT, which was incredibly neat. I even managed to forget pretty quickly that they are Urban Tapestry but to think of them as neat individuals. I'm grateful to be getting past the fan-girl silliness that used to make me afraid to talk to them. Now if I could get past that with a couple more people, I'd be in good shape. Then I got to sit with France, Tom and Sue, Dave and Debbie's friend Walter and catch up a little with France. Dave asked me if I was going to be around for his concert and if so what I'd like to hear, and I did at least manage to tell him the truth about my not being able to listen to him much right now. ANyone who knows me knows how much I worship Dave Clement, so you'll know it was really hard for me to a) tell him the truth, b) even talk to him much. I asked him for hugs, and did not burst into tears when I got the best hug I've gotten since I lost Greg. I had to let go before I wanted to so I wouldn't disgrace myself. I didn't cry a lot during the conversations, just a little, and I'm pretty proud of that. I collected hugs from Tom and Sue and France, and part of me still is stunned that I got to hang out with such illustrious people and that they care for me so much.
Finally before I left, I caught up with Persis and Badger, and got to spend a little time with each of them. I did go home feeling less alone than I did when I went to the con, though I still feel like I am not going to be going to another one soon, no matter how much I long for friends. I may change my mind by Contata, of course, but right now that doesn't look affordable anyway.
All in all I am mostly glad I went. This morning felt much better than last night. Hugs are good, I miss getting them. There aren't a lot of huggy people around here, and fewer friends to ask for them from.
The cats are mostly glad I am back, I think. They are certainly glad that I went out and got canned food for them (they'd run out completely, having had to split a 3 oz can between last night and this morning, when usually they split a 3 oz can for one meal). I also found a cat-tree for them, which I think they like, but which I need to find a) a good location for and b) decide if we need a second one because the price was very right.
Now I think I'm going to lie down a bit, maybe read a little, then sleep.
Goodnight all.
I was incredibly depressed when I got up in the morning, but showered and ate breakfast and made it to the con hotel by 8:45. I hung around and crocheted while waiting for a "bead workshop" which turned out to be for kids. So I went and glanced at pretties in the dealers' room (did not buy anything), then returned for the children's concert. Gorgeous Gary, Decadent Dave, Stone Dragon (Tom and Sue Jeffers) and Urban Tapestry did a wonderful job, of course. I lost it a little during the Hockey Monkey song (Greg always wished someone would send us off from a con with it one day, it was one of his favorite songs) and when I heard Dave singing, I couldn't help crying. Dave's voice reminds me of comfort and security and love, all of which feel like they are lacking in my life right now (not to say that the love of my friends doesn't count, but it is different). I don't think I'll ever hear Dave's voice without thining of Greg holding me while we listened to "45 Years" or Greg laughing at me trying to get up the courage to ask Dave to sing "Highwayman". His voice reminds me of the tone of Greg's when we used to talk late at night on the phone when we were dating, or snuggled together talking about worries.
After the concert I had a lovely brunch with UT, which was incredibly neat. I even managed to forget pretty quickly that they are Urban Tapestry but to think of them as neat individuals. I'm grateful to be getting past the fan-girl silliness that used to make me afraid to talk to them. Now if I could get past that with a couple more people, I'd be in good shape. Then I got to sit with France, Tom and Sue, Dave and Debbie's friend Walter and catch up a little with France. Dave asked me if I was going to be around for his concert and if so what I'd like to hear, and I did at least manage to tell him the truth about my not being able to listen to him much right now. ANyone who knows me knows how much I worship Dave Clement, so you'll know it was really hard for me to a) tell him the truth, b) even talk to him much. I asked him for hugs, and did not burst into tears when I got the best hug I've gotten since I lost Greg. I had to let go before I wanted to so I wouldn't disgrace myself. I didn't cry a lot during the conversations, just a little, and I'm pretty proud of that. I collected hugs from Tom and Sue and France, and part of me still is stunned that I got to hang out with such illustrious people and that they care for me so much.
Finally before I left, I caught up with Persis and Badger, and got to spend a little time with each of them. I did go home feeling less alone than I did when I went to the con, though I still feel like I am not going to be going to another one soon, no matter how much I long for friends. I may change my mind by Contata, of course, but right now that doesn't look affordable anyway.
All in all I am mostly glad I went. This morning felt much better than last night. Hugs are good, I miss getting them. There aren't a lot of huggy people around here, and fewer friends to ask for them from.
The cats are mostly glad I am back, I think. They are certainly glad that I went out and got canned food for them (they'd run out completely, having had to split a 3 oz can between last night and this morning, when usually they split a 3 oz can for one meal). I also found a cat-tree for them, which I think they like, but which I need to find a) a good location for and b) decide if we need a second one because the price was very right.
Now I think I'm going to lie down a bit, maybe read a little, then sleep.
Goodnight all.