In which we *twitch* do a movie *twitch* review
Yes, seriously.
We (that is, Mutti, J and I) went to see Twilight this morning. So as not offend any of my Twilight-loving friends, I'm placing my (first evah!) movie review under the cut. Be warned: underneath contains a whole lot of bashing and muchly delicious snarking. Oh, and spoilers abound. :D
I don't know how I was able to sit through the entire thing, but I'm sure the snark-fest I was having with Mutti inside helped ginormously.
The movie, I believe, consisted of three characters namely Bella, Edward, and Everyone Else. (not much different from the book really.)
We begin with Bella.
Ah yes, Bella who is actually Stephenie Meyer in disguise isn't afraid of those vicious, blood-sucking (and sparkly!) vampires. I must say, Kristen Stewart did a wonderful job of portraying our clumsy and adorkable main character. She was emo, discreetly an enormous flirt, and she twitched. Around Edward. A lot. I kid you not, this girl twitched like a bunny rabbit on caffeine. Some scenes didn't even seem to have dialogue, just a lot of twitching with a couple of smoldering looks (c/o Edward, of course) thrown in. Take the science lab scene, for instance. (Sorry for the spoilage, but I did warn you. :p)
Bella: *looks at the microscope* Um. *twitch* Metaphase.
Edward: Mind if I take a look? *smoldering look*
Bella: *twitch*
Edward: *looks* Metaphase it is.
Bella: *twitch* Like I *twitch* said.
See what I mean?
At this point, Mutti was leaning over and asking me (quite hilariously, in Chinese) why on earth the characters were constipated. There was a lot of snorting going on in our aisle, and I'm pretty sure that the tittering pre-teens over to the next row were already glaring daggers at us. But I digress.
We move to Edward Cullen, tragic lover and sparkly skin extraordinaire. I rather liked Robert Pattinson's portrayal of Cedric Diggory on GoF. Oh Robert, why must you disappoint me so? D: In a word, Edward Cullen was COLD. Everything about him--his white, pasty face, cold hands and even his frighteningly gravity-defying hairstyle-- just plain gave me the creeps. I understand that he had to play the angsty, tortured soul of a vampire in love with a human (who, by the way, vampires better than other vampires :p), but come on. Some parts of the movie felt like I was watching a block of wood. Well, a block of wood who could give smoldering looks, anyhow.
Finally, there is everyone else. What's there to say about them? They were mostly a part of the background, but it was sad how they portrayed Bella's ordinary, non-vampire (in other words, boring?) friends as immature dimwits. For heaven's sake, high school students don't play around with rubber snakes anymore. Poor Eric (the skinny, "stereotypical" dorky Asian who is also in love with Bella) was always waving around some creepy nematode half the time he was on screen.
I did enjoy the soundtrack, however. It was a mixture of somewhat emo, soft rock songs and mellow background music; perfect for the tragic-lovers storyline.
The set was pretty good; I think the Cullen's house has officially become my dream home. Who needs beds, anyway? :p
That aside, I really hated how the movie jumped from scene to scene in that irritatingly choppy way. Some of the more violent scenes (like the barbaric Cullens-ripping-the-villain-apart-and-burning-the-pieces part) were vague and blurry, probably because the movie was intended for younger audiences. Tsk tsk. Such bad influence.
I also found the part where everyone kept saying "we need to tear James apart and burn the pieces" really funny. Mostly because everyone was freakily calm about it; like tearing villains apart and burning the pieces was just an everyday thing for a sparkly, vegetarian vampire to do.
To their credit, this movie was the most accurate book-to-film adaptation I have ever seen. Sadly, both were crap.
Verdict: 1.5/5 sparkly!stars. Worst movie I've seen since Jumper. (and even that had its awesome, teleportation merits) I wish we'd gone to see Bolt instead. D:
P.S. Stephenie Meyer cameo FTW! :D
We (that is, Mutti, J and I) went to see Twilight this morning. So as not offend any of my Twilight-loving friends, I'm placing my (first evah!) movie review under the cut. Be warned: underneath contains a whole lot of bashing and muchly delicious snarking. Oh, and spoilers abound. :D
I don't know how I was able to sit through the entire thing, but I'm sure the snark-fest I was having with Mutti inside helped ginormously.
The movie, I believe, consisted of three characters namely Bella, Edward, and Everyone Else. (not much different from the book really.)
We begin with Bella.
Ah yes, Bella who is actually Stephenie Meyer in disguise isn't afraid of those vicious, blood-sucking (and sparkly!) vampires. I must say, Kristen Stewart did a wonderful job of portraying our clumsy and adorkable main character. She was emo, discreetly an enormous flirt, and she twitched. Around Edward. A lot. I kid you not, this girl twitched like a bunny rabbit on caffeine. Some scenes didn't even seem to have dialogue, just a lot of twitching with a couple of smoldering looks (c/o Edward, of course) thrown in. Take the science lab scene, for instance. (Sorry for the spoilage, but I did warn you. :p)
Bella: *looks at the microscope* Um. *twitch* Metaphase.
Edward: Mind if I take a look? *smoldering look*
Bella: *twitch*
Edward: *looks* Metaphase it is.
Bella: *twitch* Like I *twitch* said.
See what I mean?
At this point, Mutti was leaning over and asking me (quite hilariously, in Chinese) why on earth the characters were constipated. There was a lot of snorting going on in our aisle, and I'm pretty sure that the tittering pre-teens over to the next row were already glaring daggers at us. But I digress.
We move to Edward Cullen, tragic lover and sparkly skin extraordinaire. I rather liked Robert Pattinson's portrayal of Cedric Diggory on GoF. Oh Robert, why must you disappoint me so? D: In a word, Edward Cullen was COLD. Everything about him--his white, pasty face, cold hands and even his frighteningly gravity-defying hairstyle-- just plain gave me the creeps. I understand that he had to play the angsty, tortured soul of a vampire in love with a human (who, by the way, vampires better than other vampires :p), but come on. Some parts of the movie felt like I was watching a block of wood. Well, a block of wood who could give smoldering looks, anyhow.
Finally, there is everyone else. What's there to say about them? They were mostly a part of the background, but it was sad how they portrayed Bella's ordinary, non-vampire (in other words, boring?) friends as immature dimwits. For heaven's sake, high school students don't play around with rubber snakes anymore. Poor Eric (the skinny, "stereotypical" dorky Asian who is also in love with Bella) was always waving around some creepy nematode half the time he was on screen.
I did enjoy the soundtrack, however. It was a mixture of somewhat emo, soft rock songs and mellow background music; perfect for the tragic-lovers storyline.
The set was pretty good; I think the Cullen's house has officially become my dream home. Who needs beds, anyway? :p
That aside, I really hated how the movie jumped from scene to scene in that irritatingly choppy way. Some of the more violent scenes (like the barbaric Cullens-ripping-the-villain-apart-and-burning-the-pieces part) were vague and blurry, probably because the movie was intended for younger audiences. Tsk tsk. Such bad influence.
I also found the part where everyone kept saying "we need to tear James apart and burn the pieces" really funny. Mostly because everyone was freakily calm about it; like tearing villains apart and burning the pieces was just an everyday thing for a sparkly, vegetarian vampire to do.
To their credit, this movie was the most accurate book-to-film adaptation I have ever seen. Sadly, both were crap.
Verdict: 1.5/5 sparkly!stars. Worst movie I've seen since Jumper. (and even that had its awesome, teleportation merits) I wish we'd gone to see Bolt instead. D:
P.S. Stephenie Meyer cameo FTW! :D