(no subject)
Yes, yes, yes, everybody waited for this moment and here it is. I, Artem Yaschenko, am finally updating this site. I'm taking the time out of my uhhhhh... busy schedule to update here.
In other, less exciting news, I graduated yesterday. Wasn't that exciting, but I'm guessing the familia enjoyed it, cause they took me to some cool restaurant in Seattle and me and my lil sis had a nice long conversation, once again. Now, as summer is here, and school is over, I took the morning to look at my life a bit. I feel confused, scared, and stupid. I feel stupid about the past, I feel confused about the present, and I feel scared about the future. That's a lovely combination.
First of all, I've done many, I repeat many stupid things in the past, no reason trying to remember them all, I remember a tiny percentage and even that tiny percentage is overwhelming. I have no regret in doing all those stupid things in the past, because I believe that the aftereffects of those stupid things change me into a smarter, more experienced, perhaps even better person.
I feel confused about the present. I don't know what's going to happen during the summer, I don't know what I want out of the summer, I don't really know what to do during the summer. I feel like I don't know myself anymore. It takes me a great deal of effort to just understand myself, even more effort to understand why I feel the way that I do. Sometimes I have to try really really hard, for the duration of quite some time, just to figure out what goes on in my head and what fears, ideas, and emotions are causing me to feel a certain way. I wish my thoughts were simpler, but they're not, I'm a very complicated person, to the point where I don't always understand myself. I don't expect other people to try to understand me, but if you think you have an idea what caused or causes me to make some decision, I would love to hear it, maybe that way I'll be able to understand myself a little better.
I'm terrified of the future, I can easily hide it, but in the end, the future scares me. Perhaps the reason future scares me so much is me not knowing exactly what I want. When I figure out exactly what I want out of life and every aspect of it, then I may become content with myself and the future. I know most people say, that not knowing what's going to happen is the best, but to me changes are very scary. I've been through a few major changes and every time it took a long while for me to finally become comfortable. That is why, I think that the best way for me to experience change is step by step, instead of it just all changing all at once. I can handle big changes, but I don't like to deal with those, it makes me very uncomfortable.
It's ironic how I'm scared of change, yet I constantly change, my appearance and my style change all the time, yet on the very very inside I haven't changed much in the last 4 years or so. I might have become a little less shy, a little more courageous, but in the big run I'm still me, weird little guy, who's in a constant need of human interaction.
To all my friends I want to say "thank you for keeping me from locking up and thank you for letting me live, instead of just existing."
In other, less exciting news, I graduated yesterday. Wasn't that exciting, but I'm guessing the familia enjoyed it, cause they took me to some cool restaurant in Seattle and me and my lil sis had a nice long conversation, once again. Now, as summer is here, and school is over, I took the morning to look at my life a bit. I feel confused, scared, and stupid. I feel stupid about the past, I feel confused about the present, and I feel scared about the future. That's a lovely combination.
First of all, I've done many, I repeat many stupid things in the past, no reason trying to remember them all, I remember a tiny percentage and even that tiny percentage is overwhelming. I have no regret in doing all those stupid things in the past, because I believe that the aftereffects of those stupid things change me into a smarter, more experienced, perhaps even better person.
I feel confused about the present. I don't know what's going to happen during the summer, I don't know what I want out of the summer, I don't really know what to do during the summer. I feel like I don't know myself anymore. It takes me a great deal of effort to just understand myself, even more effort to understand why I feel the way that I do. Sometimes I have to try really really hard, for the duration of quite some time, just to figure out what goes on in my head and what fears, ideas, and emotions are causing me to feel a certain way. I wish my thoughts were simpler, but they're not, I'm a very complicated person, to the point where I don't always understand myself. I don't expect other people to try to understand me, but if you think you have an idea what caused or causes me to make some decision, I would love to hear it, maybe that way I'll be able to understand myself a little better.
I'm terrified of the future, I can easily hide it, but in the end, the future scares me. Perhaps the reason future scares me so much is me not knowing exactly what I want. When I figure out exactly what I want out of life and every aspect of it, then I may become content with myself and the future. I know most people say, that not knowing what's going to happen is the best, but to me changes are very scary. I've been through a few major changes and every time it took a long while for me to finally become comfortable. That is why, I think that the best way for me to experience change is step by step, instead of it just all changing all at once. I can handle big changes, but I don't like to deal with those, it makes me very uncomfortable.
It's ironic how I'm scared of change, yet I constantly change, my appearance and my style change all the time, yet on the very very inside I haven't changed much in the last 4 years or so. I might have become a little less shy, a little more courageous, but in the big run I'm still me, weird little guy, who's in a constant need of human interaction.
To all my friends I want to say "thank you for keeping me from locking up and thank you for letting me live, instead of just existing."