Revelation
Idk exactly how to explain all of this but w/e lol. The other night i realized that for some time when sarah and i saw each other though we were both there physically we weren't really there emotionally. Anyways I honestly at the time felt as though something was wrong, and wanted to blame rissa, the girl that now lived with sarah. but that was just me being immature, in reality the only two people with direct say on our relationship were me and sarah. I realized this and that i had been taking her for granted so i started coming up with all of these plans to fix everything. But didn't let her know cuz i wanted to be super boyfriend and just fix it, yet another bad move. She once told me that you can't make plans without letting the people involved know about it, and thats what i had tried to do there and sadly i never got to try the plans out. I had wanted to sit down and set up just a system of communicating better, and trusting each other again. I knew she needed a new guitar so i was gonna get her a new one and get myself an acoustic. Thinking, hey she is better than me maybe we can play together and she could help me improve. would be something fun to do together. i was hoping to be able to start fixing things this way as well as doing some cutesy stuff to show her how much i loved her and let her know how amazing she was, and then hoped on taking her to disney for a weekend as an xmas gift. of course that is no longer a possibility at the moment. On top of that i smothered her though i promised myself i wouldnt to try to get back together, thus pushing her away. anyways i now know the only way to ever get her back is to do this her way, and respect her decision completely to just be friends right now. she needs to know i can respect her decisions, then as friends we can communicate again etc, but its hard. Well back to the revelation. I have had trouble sleeping, and my mom who has intense pain in both shoulders also does so she suggested doing what she does. Repeating the Lord's Prayer and Hail Mary's until she falls asleep. SO i did it the other night. Anyways i realized that this is prob what sarah and i needed in order to have a chance to emotionally connect again. I realized i also had been pushing god out of my life even though i never stopped believing. Then i got this weird feeling, like i could feel her love for me again, and though it may be distant, it was still there, and this feeling of calmness washed over me. I was still sad, but i it felt like my depression was completely gone, and that i just knew, everything was going to be alright. It may sound stupid and i dunno how to explain it, but she is the one, and things will work out as long as i have faith and can respect her. I know it sounds stupid, but it isnt denial, i know what that feels like and it isnt this, idk what this is, but its given me the strength to be able to do this. Doubt anyone will read this and if they do prob will think its stupid, but to me it isnt. I love that girl, and want to make her happy =)