(no subject)
Title: Forever isnt long enough
Author: Me
Chapter: 4
Rating: No idea >_<
Pairings/Characters: Kyo and Toshiya with Kaoru involved in the story
Summary: Toshiya remenises about kyo kissing him on stage… Toshiya gets drunk. Kyo crys, and a nice little ending to this chapter ^^
Chapter four-I will never let him see me cry
Toshiya’s point of view
Sometimes. When we’re on stage and I’m playing and Die’s playing and Kaoru’s playing and Shinya is playing and Kyo might have gotten bored of throwing himself around and screaming until he faints. And sometimes he walks up to me and kisses me. And the fans would call it fan service. But its not really. It’s more than that. I don’t really understand it, but when Kyo walks up to me, sweating and smelling and puts one hand around my head, tight, throwing his body against me, making me stumble and forget my notes I know so well, I know its more than just fan service. It means something. Like oxygen means something; you never really appreciate it, but you rely on it all the same. Other times Kyo kisses me for the camera. Like when we’re out, drunk and high, laughing and drinking until we’re sick and maybe a reporter will be there, or a fan, and Kyo will look at me, insanely, and smile, his eyes twinkling in that way they do, and he’ll leap onto me, thrusting his tongue into my mouth letting his fingers travel wherever they feel like all over my body. And because we’re all so high and all so drunk it doesn’t matter and no one notices and no one cares. And sometimes I’ll be the one delivering the kisses, and not always just to Kyo, Shinya often suffers the consequences of my drunken fevers. And its funny when I kiss Shinya, because he never sees me coming, he never expects it until I’m right up in his face, cigarette smoke and beer reeking from my mouth and I close in on those pretty lips of his and kiss him like its meaning something and his eyes grow wide and his mouth grows moist and nothing else matters. Sometimes I even pretend he’s Kyo. I know Shinya must find it odd. Because he doesn’t drink quite the volumes of alcohol I do, and normally remembers whatever happens on those night outs we have, and sometimes it does feel as though he looks at me funny the next day… like he’s trying to see right into my soul, it scares me.
But for how long can I go on, hoping that somehow Kyo will notice me, really notice me. It’s not going to happen. Because when it comes down to it, Kaoru is a nice guy. And that’s that. Why would Kyo even dream of leaving him for me?
He barely notices me at all, when he’s not using my body for his own pleasures and when he’s not crying all over me its like I’m invisible. Invisible. How fun.
Kyo’s point of view
Tonight. We’re just lying here. We’ve been out. Drinking. For hours on end. Just pouring that bitter sticky liquid down our throats until they were raw and our eyes were red and sore. I sat at the bar in-between Toshiya and Kaoru. Kaoru was more sober than drunk, I knew he was bored and wanted to leave, but I didn’t. Toshiya was still drinking, I don’t know how much he’d drunk but it was too much, far too much. I was too drunk to be worried properly, but I knew enough to stay put. My sexual urges would have to wait and so would Kaoru’s. Kaoru’s was just sitting there, his head resting on his hand, staring at me. I could see all the little pathways and intricate webs of veins that trace his wrists so beautifully perfectly. I like seeing them. There’s something more than just a little pretty about them. Kaoru is the most beautiful person I’ve even been with. I remember when we barely knew each other and even back them I’d stare subconsciously at him in awe and lust unlike I’d ever known before. His eyes met mine, and he mouthed words that looked something like, ‘lets go back’ but I shook my head. No. I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay there. I wanted to watch Toshiya drink and drink until he’s sick and his insides are no longer inside him. Kaoru looked at me with those lovely big eyes of his, then got up and without saying goodbye, left. He just walked out. Normally we get on fine, but just recently things haven’t been going so smoothly. I don’t know why, we’ve just been really distant. Toshiya’s head was lying on the bar, one hand still clutching onto his last empty glass, his hair all sticky and wet on the shiny bar surface, the bar man rolled his eyes more than a few times. He looked up at me after a few minutes, saliva dribbling down his chin in a way that only Toshiya could manage to pull off and smiled slightly. It’s strange. Him. Me. It’s all very strange. I remember when I used to stay up all night watching him sleeping. Watching him and wondering why my heart skipped that extra beat whenever I looked at him or why my eyes watered every time he hurt or why my skin quivered every time he touched me. Oh how I loved him. Still love him for that matter. But I guess it was never to be. We weren’t like that. We weren’t chemical explosions made for each other. We were just us. And then Kaoru came along, and there wasn’t even an ‘us’ anymore. He was so young, so little, so confused; I wanted to take care of him, but it always ended up as me being taken care of.
He just looked at me then, smiling gormlessly at me. He leaned over and put his mouth to my ear.
‘Take me home now’ he whispered, slurred and flat.
So I did. I took him back to where were staying, this hotel, not too shabby but far from first class. The beds are not quite soft enough and the wallpaper’s just a little tacky as Toshiya had commented on the way in, but it’ll do.
He’s lying on the bed next to me. We watched some cheap movie on the T.V for a while and he just lay there on my stomach, commenting on the noises it was making every so often, giggling away to himself in a way that could only be described as adorable. Eventually, when his body had relaxed and his breathing had steadied I juts pushed him off of me, and sat up. My stomach felt like we’d just been on stage for six hours; aching and tense.
I look at him now. All those other nights that were like this before this one. me and Toshiya. Just lying here. Doing nothing. Saying nothing. But all the time, my mind racing. Everything about him, the way his hair falls across his face more like a woman’s than any mans, the way his stomach ripples as he breathes inward, the was legs fold inward towards his body when he sleeps, the way his hand lies idly on the bed next to his face. Everything. I just love it all.
I touch his face, stroking his cheek gently with my finger tips. His lips move slightly. He’s not wearing a shirt. He took it off when he threw up on it at the door. I touch his stomach now. It feels warm. I can feel all the little electrical pulses moving throughout my whole body and wish the little moments could last just that bit longer. There aren’t any of those little moments with Kaoru. Just sex pretty much. Sex and the occasional fleeting feeling that it might be love.
But this is love. Right here. This is what love is. I close my eyes. I feel tears welling, look at me, getting all emotional. My throat has that feeling, that feeling when you get embarrassed maybe because someone has said something mean and you cant think of a comeback and you want to cry. I don’t want to cry, not now, if he wakes up, he’ll see me. But I cant hold it back. Tears. They just fall from my eyes and I cant even try and stop them. I don’t make a noise. I wish they would stop. I haven’t cried in a long time, now I’m with Kaoru, I don’t get to see Toshiya all that much, and its normally Toshiya I cry on. But this time, I guess I just have to cry alone. I love him I really do. I always have. But its complicated. If I love him, it means I could hate him too, my faithful Toshiya, I could never hate him. Ever. I cant risk it. If he doesn’t feel the same, then that’s it. It’s over. Things will never be the same again. Things will never fix if I break them this time. I just don’t know what to think anymore.
I go to wipe the tears from my face, but before I can, I feel someone else’s hand there, someone else’s warm skin against my own. Oh dear. I open my eyes, and sure enough Toshiya is awake, concern in his eyes, his face just inches form my own, his hand, soft against my cheek. Oh Toshiya, how am I to explain it this time?.
Author: Me
Chapter: 4
Rating: No idea >_<
Pairings/Characters: Kyo and Toshiya with Kaoru involved in the story
Summary: Toshiya remenises about kyo kissing him on stage… Toshiya gets drunk. Kyo crys, and a nice little ending to this chapter ^^
Chapter four-I will never let him see me cry
Toshiya’s point of view
Sometimes. When we’re on stage and I’m playing and Die’s playing and Kaoru’s playing and Shinya is playing and Kyo might have gotten bored of throwing himself around and screaming until he faints. And sometimes he walks up to me and kisses me. And the fans would call it fan service. But its not really. It’s more than that. I don’t really understand it, but when Kyo walks up to me, sweating and smelling and puts one hand around my head, tight, throwing his body against me, making me stumble and forget my notes I know so well, I know its more than just fan service. It means something. Like oxygen means something; you never really appreciate it, but you rely on it all the same. Other times Kyo kisses me for the camera. Like when we’re out, drunk and high, laughing and drinking until we’re sick and maybe a reporter will be there, or a fan, and Kyo will look at me, insanely, and smile, his eyes twinkling in that way they do, and he’ll leap onto me, thrusting his tongue into my mouth letting his fingers travel wherever they feel like all over my body. And because we’re all so high and all so drunk it doesn’t matter and no one notices and no one cares. And sometimes I’ll be the one delivering the kisses, and not always just to Kyo, Shinya often suffers the consequences of my drunken fevers. And its funny when I kiss Shinya, because he never sees me coming, he never expects it until I’m right up in his face, cigarette smoke and beer reeking from my mouth and I close in on those pretty lips of his and kiss him like its meaning something and his eyes grow wide and his mouth grows moist and nothing else matters. Sometimes I even pretend he’s Kyo. I know Shinya must find it odd. Because he doesn’t drink quite the volumes of alcohol I do, and normally remembers whatever happens on those night outs we have, and sometimes it does feel as though he looks at me funny the next day… like he’s trying to see right into my soul, it scares me.
But for how long can I go on, hoping that somehow Kyo will notice me, really notice me. It’s not going to happen. Because when it comes down to it, Kaoru is a nice guy. And that’s that. Why would Kyo even dream of leaving him for me?
He barely notices me at all, when he’s not using my body for his own pleasures and when he’s not crying all over me its like I’m invisible. Invisible. How fun.
Kyo’s point of view
Tonight. We’re just lying here. We’ve been out. Drinking. For hours on end. Just pouring that bitter sticky liquid down our throats until they were raw and our eyes were red and sore. I sat at the bar in-between Toshiya and Kaoru. Kaoru was more sober than drunk, I knew he was bored and wanted to leave, but I didn’t. Toshiya was still drinking, I don’t know how much he’d drunk but it was too much, far too much. I was too drunk to be worried properly, but I knew enough to stay put. My sexual urges would have to wait and so would Kaoru’s. Kaoru’s was just sitting there, his head resting on his hand, staring at me. I could see all the little pathways and intricate webs of veins that trace his wrists so beautifully perfectly. I like seeing them. There’s something more than just a little pretty about them. Kaoru is the most beautiful person I’ve even been with. I remember when we barely knew each other and even back them I’d stare subconsciously at him in awe and lust unlike I’d ever known before. His eyes met mine, and he mouthed words that looked something like, ‘lets go back’ but I shook my head. No. I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay there. I wanted to watch Toshiya drink and drink until he’s sick and his insides are no longer inside him. Kaoru looked at me with those lovely big eyes of his, then got up and without saying goodbye, left. He just walked out. Normally we get on fine, but just recently things haven’t been going so smoothly. I don’t know why, we’ve just been really distant. Toshiya’s head was lying on the bar, one hand still clutching onto his last empty glass, his hair all sticky and wet on the shiny bar surface, the bar man rolled his eyes more than a few times. He looked up at me after a few minutes, saliva dribbling down his chin in a way that only Toshiya could manage to pull off and smiled slightly. It’s strange. Him. Me. It’s all very strange. I remember when I used to stay up all night watching him sleeping. Watching him and wondering why my heart skipped that extra beat whenever I looked at him or why my eyes watered every time he hurt or why my skin quivered every time he touched me. Oh how I loved him. Still love him for that matter. But I guess it was never to be. We weren’t like that. We weren’t chemical explosions made for each other. We were just us. And then Kaoru came along, and there wasn’t even an ‘us’ anymore. He was so young, so little, so confused; I wanted to take care of him, but it always ended up as me being taken care of.
He just looked at me then, smiling gormlessly at me. He leaned over and put his mouth to my ear.
‘Take me home now’ he whispered, slurred and flat.
So I did. I took him back to where were staying, this hotel, not too shabby but far from first class. The beds are not quite soft enough and the wallpaper’s just a little tacky as Toshiya had commented on the way in, but it’ll do.
He’s lying on the bed next to me. We watched some cheap movie on the T.V for a while and he just lay there on my stomach, commenting on the noises it was making every so often, giggling away to himself in a way that could only be described as adorable. Eventually, when his body had relaxed and his breathing had steadied I juts pushed him off of me, and sat up. My stomach felt like we’d just been on stage for six hours; aching and tense.
I look at him now. All those other nights that were like this before this one. me and Toshiya. Just lying here. Doing nothing. Saying nothing. But all the time, my mind racing. Everything about him, the way his hair falls across his face more like a woman’s than any mans, the way his stomach ripples as he breathes inward, the was legs fold inward towards his body when he sleeps, the way his hand lies idly on the bed next to his face. Everything. I just love it all.
I touch his face, stroking his cheek gently with my finger tips. His lips move slightly. He’s not wearing a shirt. He took it off when he threw up on it at the door. I touch his stomach now. It feels warm. I can feel all the little electrical pulses moving throughout my whole body and wish the little moments could last just that bit longer. There aren’t any of those little moments with Kaoru. Just sex pretty much. Sex and the occasional fleeting feeling that it might be love.
But this is love. Right here. This is what love is. I close my eyes. I feel tears welling, look at me, getting all emotional. My throat has that feeling, that feeling when you get embarrassed maybe because someone has said something mean and you cant think of a comeback and you want to cry. I don’t want to cry, not now, if he wakes up, he’ll see me. But I cant hold it back. Tears. They just fall from my eyes and I cant even try and stop them. I don’t make a noise. I wish they would stop. I haven’t cried in a long time, now I’m with Kaoru, I don’t get to see Toshiya all that much, and its normally Toshiya I cry on. But this time, I guess I just have to cry alone. I love him I really do. I always have. But its complicated. If I love him, it means I could hate him too, my faithful Toshiya, I could never hate him. Ever. I cant risk it. If he doesn’t feel the same, then that’s it. It’s over. Things will never be the same again. Things will never fix if I break them this time. I just don’t know what to think anymore.
I go to wipe the tears from my face, but before I can, I feel someone else’s hand there, someone else’s warm skin against my own. Oh dear. I open my eyes, and sure enough Toshiya is awake, concern in his eyes, his face just inches form my own, his hand, soft against my cheek. Oh Toshiya, how am I to explain it this time?.