KyoxToshiya - Oneshot - Catching On
Title: Catching On
Author: deadstocktoy
Pairing: Kyo x Toshiya
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Just some language.
Summary: The first time you said it, I didn't think anything of it.
Disclaimer: Don't own or profit; it's pure fiction.
Notes: Something that popped into my head while working on another fic, though I think it came out a bit scattered in the end. Written in Kyo's POV, if that wasn't clear.
The first time you said it, I didn't think anything of it.
It had been a cold night at the end of one of our tours and we were both out smoking after the show. There had been silence between us since we came out and exchanged brief words, and I preferred it that way. Silence always suited me better. You on the other hand.. I think you were afraid of silence to some degree, given the way you'd always find something to talk about at times like this, or would move around in place uncomfortably when forced to endure silence. I never understood this side of you, the fear you held for silence.
I had been nearing the end of my second cigarette when you finally broke the quiet air, your voice low and your eyes staring up towards the stars. You looked good, dim lights dancing across your skin and the wind making your hair sway gently every now and then as you determinedly continued to gaze up, a hand lifting to pull your cigarette from your lips.
"I love you."
You didn't look at me after you spoke, nor did you say anything else, but merely continued to stare up towards the night sky, as though you were talking to the stars instead of me. And you might as well have been, since you'd be more likely to get a better answer from them.
"You're a sorry fuck to think that way."
I don't know if you'd been expecting something else from me, you knew me fairly well after all, and this was the only thing you could have hoped to get out of me with such talk. But I think you knew that even if you hoped to hear something different, since my words didn't seem to phase you. Instead you continued to look up quietly, cigarette burning slowly at your side before it was lifted to your lips for another drag.
"Yeah."
That was all you said after a few minutes of silence, and in a few moments you had stomped out the remains of your cigarette and headed back inside, leaving me to the solitude I so enjoyed. I didn't bother to think on what you'd said, nor did I care for my blunt response. It was just another conversation I had to drag myself through, nothing special.
By the time I headed back inside, you had already started up some drinking game with Die, laughing animatedly as Shinya smacked the back of Die's head and took his shot glass from him to down it himself and Kaoru grinned while he filled the empty glasses again. You didn't look my way as I entered and passed by, too engaged in your games to do so, and I merely continued on my way without a word, looking to find a few hours of rest after a long night. Tomorrow would be the last show of the tour, and I was planning to give all I had, as always.
The second time you said it, I started to wonder.
Five and a half weeks had passed since the tour and by now we had gotten to work in the studio instead. We both sat on the couch, watching Shinya go through a drum beat and stopping ever few minutes to converse with Kaoru, who would in turn speak with the board tech. They were trying to get it just right, as usual. Die had disappeared a few minutes prior, escaping the stuffy studio in favor of a smoke break outside while he had the chance and I briefly wondered why I hadn't done the same.
You sat in roughly the center of the couch, and I was left with the space to your right, leaning casually against the arm of the couch and occasionally brushing my fingers against the fabric of it. You had you arms folded over your chest and your legs crossed, foot moving lightly in the air along with the beat Shinya continued to play out. Subtly, you tilted you head towards me, eyes directed forward as you watched Kaoru lean over the sound board beside the tech, scratching at the back of his head while he gave a few nods.
"I love you."
I hadn't expected it, in fact I'd all but forgotten about the last time you'd said it, and it caught me off guard to hear to murmur quietly to me again, never once looking at me. I stared at you for a moment with a frown, wondering what you were going on about before looking back towards the others as well.
"You're still on about that?"
Your foot never stopped its persistent tapping within the air and after a moment you sat up a bit straighter again, glancing to the opposite side briefly to watch Die come back inside. For a few moments nothing more was said, and I assumed you had finished speaking, returning my attention to the front of the room again just as you spoke up once more.
"Yeah."
If I had anything more to say, I never got the chance, as Kaoru turned around a moment later and nodded his head towards you. "You're up, Toshiya." And you got up shortly after with a grin while Die took your seat and Shinya soon joined the rest of us while you went out to grab your instrument and got to work.
You didn't look at me for the rest of the day, though you made no evident attempt to avoid me, merely choosing to remain absorbed in our work as the hours passed by. Neither of us said anything to one another either, continuing on as though nothing had happened and nothing was needed to be said. By the end of the day, when we all parted to go our separate ways, I saw you glancing towards me as you said your goodbyes to everyone. You weren't smiling.
The third time you said it, I was confused.
It had been a little under four weeks since the last time and we were doing filming for the latest single video. I had been thinking more and more about you as the days went by and found myself looking at you more closely whenever I got the chance. You always seemed to be in a good mood, ready to offer a smile to everyone and joke around easily. You were an open person, the kind who wasn't embarrassed by their emotions and let out proudly regardless of who saw it. And yet you always made an effort to keep those close to you happy. You always said that you did it because you were selfish, that seeing your friends and loved ones upset would make you sad and you didn't want that to happen. It was the purest sort of selfishness I'd ever seen.
The more I watched you, the more I realized how different we were, how much of an opposite of me you were. While you cared for everyone without hesitation, I cared for no one but myself, and even that care was twisted out of recognition. You were an open book, and yet managed to mystify anyone who tried to peg you down precisely, and I refused to let anyone near enough to see what I was like and they managed to figure out some part of me regardless. You were full of life, I was hollow on the inside.
The saying that opposites attract that fluttered through my mind on several occasions, but each time I would decide that there was only so much difference two people could have between them for any sort of relationship to work. And we were definitely over that limit. The only thing we had in common was our music.
I watched as you played through the song under the glaring gaze of cameras around you, showing off all the life you had in you and gave off those small half smiles that drew people in. You hardly seemed to need any effort to show yourself in the best light, and performed as though it was second nature to you, no hesitance or uncertainty showing as you made your instrument sing for you. There was no doubt that you were a skilled musician, that was why you played with the rest of us.
The song came to a close and you soon disappeared from my sight, only to return once more sans instrument and grab a bottle of water off one of the tables nearly. While the film was reviewed, you watched along, making the occasional comment that I couldn't and grinning at what others said, eventually nodding in approval and giving what I assumed were thanks to the camera crew. I turned away to watch Die pull on his guitar as he got ready for his turn with filming, only to be jolted to attention when I felt you brush against my shoulder.
You were still sipping at your water, watching as Die talked to the director to decide exactly what he was to do. I don't bother to look at you any longer, instead satisfying myself with feeling and hearing you beside me. There isn't much to see, anyway, I've been watching you for too long already.
"I love you."
It didn't occur to me to be prepared, and I blinked quietly as you echo those same three words once again to me, providing no explanation or elaboration. You made no move to act on your statement and didn't ask me to give you a proper answer. Instead you continued to drink, eyes focused ahead of you as you remained beside me, seemingly not expecting anything in return. Just like each time before.
"You're just going to keep saying that?"
My reply was short and probably rude and you responded in the same way as before, giving no physical hint for me to make use of as you allowed silence to grow between us until I was certain you weren't going to reply.
"Yeah."
After another moment you dug into your pockets to pull out a cigarette and settle it between your lips, leaving it unlit as you turned and left again, lighter in hand. You left me without another word or glance once more, no smile on your lips as I watched you disappear out the back door. I still didn't know what to think.
The fourth time you said it, I got angry.
Your persistent statements had infected my mind to the point of madness, and even after days and weeks of trying to figure it out, I was no closer to any decent conclusion. I hated this feeling of helplessness, the lack of control over my own life.
Nothing you did made sense to me anymore, I didn't know why you told me these things and then left without pushing for anything more, I didn't know why you didn't look at me when you said it, or why each time you simply agreed to whatever I spat back at you and carried on as though we had merely been talking about the weather. None of it fit together or made any sense to me anymore, and I had grown weary from failure.
So many things about you left me confused that it put me on edge, and the very fact that you could get under my skin enough to piss me off like this only frustrated me more. Eventually I resigned to the idea that you did to annoy me, just anther way of teasing you had discovered, though this theory was shaky at best. When you teased, you did it for the fun of it, for the joy it could lead to, not simply to piss someone off. You weren't a cruel person, far from it. But it was all I had, so I held onto this idea as though it was my last.
Three and a half weeks since the last time, you approached me again. By this point I expected you to say it again, as you had the same presence about you as each time before; you were quieter than usual and you weren't looking at me. In turn I kept my own eyes staring ahead, watching the crew move around as they got everything ready. We had a few small domestic shows lined up this week, and tonight's show would mark the halfway point, due to start in a few hours.
I had been standing smoking at the back of the venue, watching the stage being set up for the night. You joined me and quietly folded your arms behind your head, taking to watching people with me. A few minutes of silence passed by between us and I was counting down the moments until you would speak those over-practiced word to me for the fourth time while smoke swirled up above me.
"You've been in a bad mood."
When I heard that, I had nearly stumbled over in surprise. I had been so ready for you to speak that when you said something entirely different I was at a loss. Thus I said nothing and continued to smoke while I glared ahead in annoyance. I had been ready to claim victory over predicting you, I had been so close to regaining control once again, and you tore it away from me without a second thought. It seemed I couldn't understand you at all.
"I love you."
I had just resigned to silence once more when you said it and my eyes had narrowed into a harder glare in reply before I turned it upon you. Of course you weren't looking at me anymore, but I dearly hoped that you'd feel that glare on you as I let out an annoyed sigh.
"You're a fucking idiot."
The words had come out in anger, my voice lined with aggravation that had built up over too long. You didn't turn or speak though, insistently continuing to stare ahead without a care. It pissed me off and I stood and turned to leave; I didn't want to be around you now.
"Yeah."
Your quiet voice made me pause momentarily but I pushed on ahead despite it, walking away briskly with my hands stuffed into my pockets and a trail of smoke marking my path. I didn't look back at you, but I prayed to anyone who'd listen that you or anyone else wouldn't follow me. I didn't care if you looked at me then, nor what expression you face held now, all I wanted was to get away from you. For the rest of the night I avoided you, and once the time for us to go onstage came around, I was ready to let out all my frustrations in the only place I felt at peace.
The first time I said it, you laughed.
Barely a week had passed and my patience had grown thinner than ever. I had always been able to ignore a lot of shit that came my way, but you were pushing me to new heights. Sometimes when you passed by me, I wanted nothing better than to reach out and smack you, just to get out the tension that festered inside. Each time I saw you joking around with others I felt the urge for a smoke to calm me down rising immediately, and I often hurried out of the room. I took any excuse I could not to be around you as much, but I could only avoid a band mate so often.
My mind had been going in circles for days now, and every night and each morning my thoughts would land on you and the things you said. We hardly spoke anymore, unless it was absolutely necessary, and even then we usually didn't look at each other, as though there was some unspoken rule for it between us now. I didn't care, you pissed me off too much anyway. Still, I caught you looking my way once in a while, though you never met my gaze when I did. I noticed you never smiled when you looked at me though and somehow that frustrated me even more.
Over the years, I had prided myself upon caring about no one but myself, about being as self sustaining as possible and about doing everything I wanted just because I wanted to. Other people never played into my way of thinking, I lived only for my own sake, so I didn't need anything from anyone. And yet here I was, getting upset over not seeing you smile at me. When had things gone so awry, I still don't know.
That day we had gone out to celebrate, choosing to hit up one of our favorite bars for some drinks and general merrymaking. Kaoru and Die had insisted I come along, because apparently I looked like I needed to get out more. I thought it was a load of bullshit, but I went along with it all the same.
A few hours into the night things had started to die down and I had ventured outside for a smoke, enjoying the refreshing feel of the cool air and savoring the peace I found here. Before I knew it, you had found your way beside me, and lit up quietly after a deep breath of the mostly fresh air. We didn't look at each other or say anything for the longest time, and it gave me the sense that we were each gone in our own little worlds and miles apart despite standing barely two feet apart. A sense of loneliness had tugged at the back of my mind then, and I frowned as I stared down at the ground, watching the ashes I flicked down burn out before they ever touched the cement below.
You were looking up at the sky as usual, admiring the stars or whatever it was that you liked to look at so much up there. Perhaps it was the patterns the cigarette smoke made against the dark sky. Either way, you weren't looking at me, and I preferred it that way.
Minutes continued to pass between us and still neither of us had spoken, as though we were invisible to one another. A soft sigh passed you lips along with smoke and I silently braced myself for the break of silence by your voice. It never came and instead I heard you drop your cigarette and crush it against the cement before pushing your hands into your pockets, remaining at my side quietly. Frowning as I found myself in the wrong once again about you, I shook my head lightly and let the remains of my own cigarette fall to the ground before I stomped what life remained in it carefully.
Neither of us moved after that, and with each minute that passed, I grew all the more impatient. I wanted you to speak, to break the silence as you always did, to give me an excuse to remark in my usual manner before leaving me to appreciate my peace again. But you refused to give me the satisfaction. A brief glance towards you told me that you were still engrossed in whatever sight you had discovered within the night sky and I turned my own gaze up as well to see what the big deal was this time. Sharing that small moment with you, I felt my mind relax and ease into a comfort that I often felt after a long show. It was the sort of peace I got after spilling my all, and yet my stomach still felt knotted up.
"I don't understand you."
For what seemed like the first time in ages, I was the one to break the silence I had grown to covet so much. The words had come without much thought and I didn't care to think about them more now that I'd spoken. It was frustrating, to be on this side of the fence when I had grown to used to knowing all I needed to about everyone around me, to feel so clueless about something that confused me so much. Somehow, I didn't mind it as much as I would've thought.
"Fuck.. I love you, huh?"
The words left me in a sigh, and I heard you shift slightly beside me before I felt your arm wind around me comfortably as you leaned in a bit closer. I didn't care enough to protest while my mind worked away at the confession I had made, it took me by surprise even though I had said it, and yet you seemed to have expected it. Somewhere along the line, you managed to find a way to understand me better than I understood myself.
"You finally figured it out."
You spoke quietly, an air of casualness lingering in your tone along with the hints of a laugh, and it left me with a feeling of satisfaction. You'd been telling me the answer all along, waiting for me to come to the same conclusion, making me think until I deciphered the plainness of your words. I couldn't help but smile to myself as I looked over at you, finding you eyes on me already and a smile I hadn't realized I needed to see on your lips.
"Yeah."
Author: deadstocktoy
Pairing: Kyo x Toshiya
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Just some language.
Summary: The first time you said it, I didn't think anything of it.
Disclaimer: Don't own or profit; it's pure fiction.
Notes: Something that popped into my head while working on another fic, though I think it came out a bit scattered in the end. Written in Kyo's POV, if that wasn't clear.
The first time you said it, I didn't think anything of it.
It had been a cold night at the end of one of our tours and we were both out smoking after the show. There had been silence between us since we came out and exchanged brief words, and I preferred it that way. Silence always suited me better. You on the other hand.. I think you were afraid of silence to some degree, given the way you'd always find something to talk about at times like this, or would move around in place uncomfortably when forced to endure silence. I never understood this side of you, the fear you held for silence.
I had been nearing the end of my second cigarette when you finally broke the quiet air, your voice low and your eyes staring up towards the stars. You looked good, dim lights dancing across your skin and the wind making your hair sway gently every now and then as you determinedly continued to gaze up, a hand lifting to pull your cigarette from your lips.
"I love you."
You didn't look at me after you spoke, nor did you say anything else, but merely continued to stare up towards the night sky, as though you were talking to the stars instead of me. And you might as well have been, since you'd be more likely to get a better answer from them.
"You're a sorry fuck to think that way."
I don't know if you'd been expecting something else from me, you knew me fairly well after all, and this was the only thing you could have hoped to get out of me with such talk. But I think you knew that even if you hoped to hear something different, since my words didn't seem to phase you. Instead you continued to look up quietly, cigarette burning slowly at your side before it was lifted to your lips for another drag.
"Yeah."
That was all you said after a few minutes of silence, and in a few moments you had stomped out the remains of your cigarette and headed back inside, leaving me to the solitude I so enjoyed. I didn't bother to think on what you'd said, nor did I care for my blunt response. It was just another conversation I had to drag myself through, nothing special.
By the time I headed back inside, you had already started up some drinking game with Die, laughing animatedly as Shinya smacked the back of Die's head and took his shot glass from him to down it himself and Kaoru grinned while he filled the empty glasses again. You didn't look my way as I entered and passed by, too engaged in your games to do so, and I merely continued on my way without a word, looking to find a few hours of rest after a long night. Tomorrow would be the last show of the tour, and I was planning to give all I had, as always.
The second time you said it, I started to wonder.
Five and a half weeks had passed since the tour and by now we had gotten to work in the studio instead. We both sat on the couch, watching Shinya go through a drum beat and stopping ever few minutes to converse with Kaoru, who would in turn speak with the board tech. They were trying to get it just right, as usual. Die had disappeared a few minutes prior, escaping the stuffy studio in favor of a smoke break outside while he had the chance and I briefly wondered why I hadn't done the same.
You sat in roughly the center of the couch, and I was left with the space to your right, leaning casually against the arm of the couch and occasionally brushing my fingers against the fabric of it. You had you arms folded over your chest and your legs crossed, foot moving lightly in the air along with the beat Shinya continued to play out. Subtly, you tilted you head towards me, eyes directed forward as you watched Kaoru lean over the sound board beside the tech, scratching at the back of his head while he gave a few nods.
"I love you."
I hadn't expected it, in fact I'd all but forgotten about the last time you'd said it, and it caught me off guard to hear to murmur quietly to me again, never once looking at me. I stared at you for a moment with a frown, wondering what you were going on about before looking back towards the others as well.
"You're still on about that?"
Your foot never stopped its persistent tapping within the air and after a moment you sat up a bit straighter again, glancing to the opposite side briefly to watch Die come back inside. For a few moments nothing more was said, and I assumed you had finished speaking, returning my attention to the front of the room again just as you spoke up once more.
"Yeah."
If I had anything more to say, I never got the chance, as Kaoru turned around a moment later and nodded his head towards you. "You're up, Toshiya." And you got up shortly after with a grin while Die took your seat and Shinya soon joined the rest of us while you went out to grab your instrument and got to work.
You didn't look at me for the rest of the day, though you made no evident attempt to avoid me, merely choosing to remain absorbed in our work as the hours passed by. Neither of us said anything to one another either, continuing on as though nothing had happened and nothing was needed to be said. By the end of the day, when we all parted to go our separate ways, I saw you glancing towards me as you said your goodbyes to everyone. You weren't smiling.
The third time you said it, I was confused.
It had been a little under four weeks since the last time and we were doing filming for the latest single video. I had been thinking more and more about you as the days went by and found myself looking at you more closely whenever I got the chance. You always seemed to be in a good mood, ready to offer a smile to everyone and joke around easily. You were an open person, the kind who wasn't embarrassed by their emotions and let out proudly regardless of who saw it. And yet you always made an effort to keep those close to you happy. You always said that you did it because you were selfish, that seeing your friends and loved ones upset would make you sad and you didn't want that to happen. It was the purest sort of selfishness I'd ever seen.
The more I watched you, the more I realized how different we were, how much of an opposite of me you were. While you cared for everyone without hesitation, I cared for no one but myself, and even that care was twisted out of recognition. You were an open book, and yet managed to mystify anyone who tried to peg you down precisely, and I refused to let anyone near enough to see what I was like and they managed to figure out some part of me regardless. You were full of life, I was hollow on the inside.
The saying that opposites attract that fluttered through my mind on several occasions, but each time I would decide that there was only so much difference two people could have between them for any sort of relationship to work. And we were definitely over that limit. The only thing we had in common was our music.
I watched as you played through the song under the glaring gaze of cameras around you, showing off all the life you had in you and gave off those small half smiles that drew people in. You hardly seemed to need any effort to show yourself in the best light, and performed as though it was second nature to you, no hesitance or uncertainty showing as you made your instrument sing for you. There was no doubt that you were a skilled musician, that was why you played with the rest of us.
The song came to a close and you soon disappeared from my sight, only to return once more sans instrument and grab a bottle of water off one of the tables nearly. While the film was reviewed, you watched along, making the occasional comment that I couldn't and grinning at what others said, eventually nodding in approval and giving what I assumed were thanks to the camera crew. I turned away to watch Die pull on his guitar as he got ready for his turn with filming, only to be jolted to attention when I felt you brush against my shoulder.
You were still sipping at your water, watching as Die talked to the director to decide exactly what he was to do. I don't bother to look at you any longer, instead satisfying myself with feeling and hearing you beside me. There isn't much to see, anyway, I've been watching you for too long already.
"I love you."
It didn't occur to me to be prepared, and I blinked quietly as you echo those same three words once again to me, providing no explanation or elaboration. You made no move to act on your statement and didn't ask me to give you a proper answer. Instead you continued to drink, eyes focused ahead of you as you remained beside me, seemingly not expecting anything in return. Just like each time before.
"You're just going to keep saying that?"
My reply was short and probably rude and you responded in the same way as before, giving no physical hint for me to make use of as you allowed silence to grow between us until I was certain you weren't going to reply.
"Yeah."
After another moment you dug into your pockets to pull out a cigarette and settle it between your lips, leaving it unlit as you turned and left again, lighter in hand. You left me without another word or glance once more, no smile on your lips as I watched you disappear out the back door. I still didn't know what to think.
The fourth time you said it, I got angry.
Your persistent statements had infected my mind to the point of madness, and even after days and weeks of trying to figure it out, I was no closer to any decent conclusion. I hated this feeling of helplessness, the lack of control over my own life.
Nothing you did made sense to me anymore, I didn't know why you told me these things and then left without pushing for anything more, I didn't know why you didn't look at me when you said it, or why each time you simply agreed to whatever I spat back at you and carried on as though we had merely been talking about the weather. None of it fit together or made any sense to me anymore, and I had grown weary from failure.
So many things about you left me confused that it put me on edge, and the very fact that you could get under my skin enough to piss me off like this only frustrated me more. Eventually I resigned to the idea that you did to annoy me, just anther way of teasing you had discovered, though this theory was shaky at best. When you teased, you did it for the fun of it, for the joy it could lead to, not simply to piss someone off. You weren't a cruel person, far from it. But it was all I had, so I held onto this idea as though it was my last.
Three and a half weeks since the last time, you approached me again. By this point I expected you to say it again, as you had the same presence about you as each time before; you were quieter than usual and you weren't looking at me. In turn I kept my own eyes staring ahead, watching the crew move around as they got everything ready. We had a few small domestic shows lined up this week, and tonight's show would mark the halfway point, due to start in a few hours.
I had been standing smoking at the back of the venue, watching the stage being set up for the night. You joined me and quietly folded your arms behind your head, taking to watching people with me. A few minutes of silence passed by between us and I was counting down the moments until you would speak those over-practiced word to me for the fourth time while smoke swirled up above me.
"You've been in a bad mood."
When I heard that, I had nearly stumbled over in surprise. I had been so ready for you to speak that when you said something entirely different I was at a loss. Thus I said nothing and continued to smoke while I glared ahead in annoyance. I had been ready to claim victory over predicting you, I had been so close to regaining control once again, and you tore it away from me without a second thought. It seemed I couldn't understand you at all.
"I love you."
I had just resigned to silence once more when you said it and my eyes had narrowed into a harder glare in reply before I turned it upon you. Of course you weren't looking at me anymore, but I dearly hoped that you'd feel that glare on you as I let out an annoyed sigh.
"You're a fucking idiot."
The words had come out in anger, my voice lined with aggravation that had built up over too long. You didn't turn or speak though, insistently continuing to stare ahead without a care. It pissed me off and I stood and turned to leave; I didn't want to be around you now.
"Yeah."
Your quiet voice made me pause momentarily but I pushed on ahead despite it, walking away briskly with my hands stuffed into my pockets and a trail of smoke marking my path. I didn't look back at you, but I prayed to anyone who'd listen that you or anyone else wouldn't follow me. I didn't care if you looked at me then, nor what expression you face held now, all I wanted was to get away from you. For the rest of the night I avoided you, and once the time for us to go onstage came around, I was ready to let out all my frustrations in the only place I felt at peace.
The first time I said it, you laughed.
Barely a week had passed and my patience had grown thinner than ever. I had always been able to ignore a lot of shit that came my way, but you were pushing me to new heights. Sometimes when you passed by me, I wanted nothing better than to reach out and smack you, just to get out the tension that festered inside. Each time I saw you joking around with others I felt the urge for a smoke to calm me down rising immediately, and I often hurried out of the room. I took any excuse I could not to be around you as much, but I could only avoid a band mate so often.
My mind had been going in circles for days now, and every night and each morning my thoughts would land on you and the things you said. We hardly spoke anymore, unless it was absolutely necessary, and even then we usually didn't look at each other, as though there was some unspoken rule for it between us now. I didn't care, you pissed me off too much anyway. Still, I caught you looking my way once in a while, though you never met my gaze when I did. I noticed you never smiled when you looked at me though and somehow that frustrated me even more.
Over the years, I had prided myself upon caring about no one but myself, about being as self sustaining as possible and about doing everything I wanted just because I wanted to. Other people never played into my way of thinking, I lived only for my own sake, so I didn't need anything from anyone. And yet here I was, getting upset over not seeing you smile at me. When had things gone so awry, I still don't know.
That day we had gone out to celebrate, choosing to hit up one of our favorite bars for some drinks and general merrymaking. Kaoru and Die had insisted I come along, because apparently I looked like I needed to get out more. I thought it was a load of bullshit, but I went along with it all the same.
A few hours into the night things had started to die down and I had ventured outside for a smoke, enjoying the refreshing feel of the cool air and savoring the peace I found here. Before I knew it, you had found your way beside me, and lit up quietly after a deep breath of the mostly fresh air. We didn't look at each other or say anything for the longest time, and it gave me the sense that we were each gone in our own little worlds and miles apart despite standing barely two feet apart. A sense of loneliness had tugged at the back of my mind then, and I frowned as I stared down at the ground, watching the ashes I flicked down burn out before they ever touched the cement below.
You were looking up at the sky as usual, admiring the stars or whatever it was that you liked to look at so much up there. Perhaps it was the patterns the cigarette smoke made against the dark sky. Either way, you weren't looking at me, and I preferred it that way.
Minutes continued to pass between us and still neither of us had spoken, as though we were invisible to one another. A soft sigh passed you lips along with smoke and I silently braced myself for the break of silence by your voice. It never came and instead I heard you drop your cigarette and crush it against the cement before pushing your hands into your pockets, remaining at my side quietly. Frowning as I found myself in the wrong once again about you, I shook my head lightly and let the remains of my own cigarette fall to the ground before I stomped what life remained in it carefully.
Neither of us moved after that, and with each minute that passed, I grew all the more impatient. I wanted you to speak, to break the silence as you always did, to give me an excuse to remark in my usual manner before leaving me to appreciate my peace again. But you refused to give me the satisfaction. A brief glance towards you told me that you were still engrossed in whatever sight you had discovered within the night sky and I turned my own gaze up as well to see what the big deal was this time. Sharing that small moment with you, I felt my mind relax and ease into a comfort that I often felt after a long show. It was the sort of peace I got after spilling my all, and yet my stomach still felt knotted up.
"I don't understand you."
For what seemed like the first time in ages, I was the one to break the silence I had grown to covet so much. The words had come without much thought and I didn't care to think about them more now that I'd spoken. It was frustrating, to be on this side of the fence when I had grown to used to knowing all I needed to about everyone around me, to feel so clueless about something that confused me so much. Somehow, I didn't mind it as much as I would've thought.
"Fuck.. I love you, huh?"
The words left me in a sigh, and I heard you shift slightly beside me before I felt your arm wind around me comfortably as you leaned in a bit closer. I didn't care enough to protest while my mind worked away at the confession I had made, it took me by surprise even though I had said it, and yet you seemed to have expected it. Somewhere along the line, you managed to find a way to understand me better than I understood myself.
"You finally figured it out."
You spoke quietly, an air of casualness lingering in your tone along with the hints of a laugh, and it left me with a feeling of satisfaction. You'd been telling me the answer all along, waiting for me to come to the same conclusion, making me think until I deciphered the plainness of your words. I couldn't help but smile to myself as I looked over at you, finding you eyes on me already and a smile I hadn't realized I needed to see on your lips.
"Yeah."