IT'S KYO, BITCH!
My name is Kyo! This is my world.
I'm back, i'm reclaiming my journal and my life!!!
So let's face it, my issues have kind of ruled my whole life, NO MORE!
I need a life plan, one that is truly mine and that i can really achieve. I recently went to the doc's with splitting headaches and nosebleeds. And so here i sit with neurology appointments and scared shit-less. Possible swollen blood vessels on the brain and we need to make sure there's nothing else up there. Great i'm sitting on a never ending NHS waiting list, waiting to see if i have a brain tumor. And that's putting the situation simply. But i'm left wondering, what if it is a brain tumor? What will i have done with my life? Who will remember me fondly? Who'll be glad i'm gone?
My past... is exactly that my past! I have shed too many tears over the fucked up childhood, the missing father, the feeling unwanted, the loss of my papa, the bullying, the beatings, the abuse, him, the self mutilation, the self medication, the betrayals, and fuck, isn't that enough?!
My love life has played a massive part of the breakdowns in my life. I mean lets look it over for a minute. Not counting the couple of light hearted flings from high school girlfriends and boyfriends, that most people have.
(The names of each of my past boyfriends and girlfriends have been changed to protect their fragile selves... and to stop them suing me when i become a famous authoress which i fully intend to do, and then publish a tell all book ;D )
My first real relationship, Fannay. He was this guy who all the favourite boy band of that time fan girls knew (because he was a lookalike) and crushed out over him and his friend and i felt damn lucky he chose me HA! I even got hatemail from his fangirls, my first hatemail! :D I spent five long years with him and put my heart and soul into that relationship. He promised forever, what he meant was i'm gonna go find some tango tanned blonde and fuck her in our home then leave you. Oh and by the way i'm taking all our pets too, see ya Kyo.
Then here was Jiz, the girl i was ready to leave everything and go to america for... who decided she didn't want to choose between me and her other girl, after of course making sure i was completely in the throws of love with her and only her. After she broke me again so soon after Fannay, i realised i had never took the time to get over him and it all hit me all over again.
Now comes the glorious couple of months i refer to as my whorish phase, in which i slept with three people in as many months.Don't get me wrong i'm not ashamed i was sexually active, in fact i appluad people who enjoy casual SAFE sex, the only thing i'm ashamed of is the cretins i chose to sleep with. The bad Blondie choice and the just downright dumbass both loved up with me one minute and in another girl's pants the next. Each time failing to separate love from sex and being hurt.
Then of course lets not skip over Inkboy who was entirely too happy to send me pictures of his naughty parts and dirty text with me, invite me over for the sole purpose of having sex, even went to the length of telling me how he'd drown out the noise in case... HIS GIRLFRIEND WALKED IN... mmhmm the end of that.
Enter Dik, the wannabe male model who talked me into leaving another person i was starting to date to give him a chance because he would treat me so much better and he would love me so much more. In fact he even talked me into losing a few friends that were very dear to me and i might never truly get back. Then of course he left... it wasn't me, it was him.
And of course who can forget the short stint with Dom, the girl who got so crazy possessively jealous and controlling it really actually scared me.I was turned back into a victim. It wasn't right. I was even too ashamed to tell anyone just how bad it was.
WOW... looking it over like that sure makes me seem sad, well for a matter of fact i was. Each time i allowed them to break me and each time it got worse. It's no secret unfortunately i have attempted to take my own life on occasion and i hate that i let life and mostly these relationships grind me down to the stage i didn't want to live, because i feared more heartache, more betrayal, more broken promises. No more, and i mean it, no fucking more.
What do i have in this life that is solid? More than some people and i need to realise that.
M, the one who is there at four in the morning when i'm breaking down, who never fails me, never lets me down and is by my side through everything, no matter how hard or how stupid. The other side of my coin, always and forever. The years we've known each other will never be enough. K, my brother who i nearly lost to an almost fatal disease. We can fight till the cows come home and then laugh our asses of two minutes later. Honestly we should have been twins, he's everything to me. My house, after moving to a new place with every other relationship and then running home when things didn't work out and they left me. I finally have my own home, and it is that, it's home, not a house, it's my home. It belongs to just me, and i love it that way. S, my bestie from high school who even though she moved away and we don't talk as much as i'd like us to still means the world and more to me, the popsicle to my fudgsicle. My beloved pets Lulabelle and J.R (John Ross Ewing) who are more than house pets, they're family. And fuck it! My iphone, my lappy, and my bitchy neighborhood that make gossiping a fucking artform xD
Look at THAT! That's a whole paragraph worth of things to live for, reasons to fight back! I'm not stupid. I have borderline personality disorder and though i'm on a high right now i know i'll face downs as well and i might not want to fight, but i have that, that little tiny paragraph to keep me going. The past? It's horrible but it's the past and that is why when i finish writing this blog i'm going to delete all my old posts, so i have no excuse to read over old blogs and crumble under the memories of happy times, because yeah my relationships ended badly and my life wasn't great, but there were a few happy moments in there. A few ;P
Right now i'm choosing to look to the future. I'm saving to enroll in a fiction writing course which i can do with the open university from home without the panic attacks that social situations so often bring about within me. I want to be a writer, I've bounced around from course to course flunking out and diving into something else, but what's the one thing that I've always done as an obsessive hobby and found great joy in... WRITING! I hardly go a day without sitting and writing something whether it's fan fiction, poetry, original fiction or bio's. This is something i can really do. I want one day to sit back and look at my book somewhere on the bestseller list and to know somewhere someone is as touched and enthralled by my stories as i was by my favourite stories growing up. To let some teenager who is bullied escape into my book the way i so often did in school. God, wouldn't that be great? To know you're helping someone the way my favourite authors helped me! HA! Makes me giddy just thinking about it!
I'm also actually in somewhat of a budding relationship :3 You know what though? This time my love life doesn't rule my whole life. This time it's not lust at first sight, in fact we met online and at first as we spoke and got to know each other, we had no idea what the other one looked like. There's no rush this time, no feeling that we constantly need more, more, more! No talk of marriage months into the relationship, no hurry lets move in together, no bloody plans to emigrate to see each other regularly. It's nice... *wistful sigh* It's great in fact. Let's give him a name, one a little kinder than the others *giggles* Hmmm the first thing we bonded over was a common childhood love of pokemon and that new silly rave song 'you're my pikagirl in the pokeworld' Lmao! So let's call him... Trainerboy xD *giggles madly* T for short :3 T is... *sigh* how can i describe him... He's eloquent :3 and a geordie none the less hahaha hmm yeah an eloquent geordie. He's a total geek just like me, but he can say the sweetest things... I get butterflies when he calls me *blush* We just fit, lord knows why but we just do. We're taking things slow... as slow as i can bare anyway haha It's slowly turning into something really special and i can truly say that even if we weren't together, my life is the better for knowing him. <3
So here i am! I am Kyo hear me RAWR! Between my writing course, 2 bound to be outstanding performances i have tickets to, visiting newcastle at some point and creating my very own bucket list with M, and what we have dubbed 'The great rewrite' in which i am revamping all my fic and posting so much fanfic the fans might get sick of me haha... I have things to look forward to, to get excited about. Up Up Up can only go UP from here! Till next time!
XOXO
Kyo.
I'm back, i'm reclaiming my journal and my life!!!
So let's face it, my issues have kind of ruled my whole life, NO MORE!
I need a life plan, one that is truly mine and that i can really achieve. I recently went to the doc's with splitting headaches and nosebleeds. And so here i sit with neurology appointments and scared shit-less. Possible swollen blood vessels on the brain and we need to make sure there's nothing else up there. Great i'm sitting on a never ending NHS waiting list, waiting to see if i have a brain tumor. And that's putting the situation simply. But i'm left wondering, what if it is a brain tumor? What will i have done with my life? Who will remember me fondly? Who'll be glad i'm gone?
My past... is exactly that my past! I have shed too many tears over the fucked up childhood, the missing father, the feeling unwanted, the loss of my papa, the bullying, the beatings, the abuse, him, the self mutilation, the self medication, the betrayals, and fuck, isn't that enough?!
My love life has played a massive part of the breakdowns in my life. I mean lets look it over for a minute. Not counting the couple of light hearted flings from high school girlfriends and boyfriends, that most people have.
(The names of each of my past boyfriends and girlfriends have been changed to protect their fragile selves... and to stop them suing me when i become a famous authoress which i fully intend to do, and then publish a tell all book ;D )
My first real relationship, Fannay. He was this guy who all the favourite boy band of that time fan girls knew (because he was a lookalike) and crushed out over him and his friend and i felt damn lucky he chose me HA! I even got hatemail from his fangirls, my first hatemail! :D I spent five long years with him and put my heart and soul into that relationship. He promised forever, what he meant was i'm gonna go find some tango tanned blonde and fuck her in our home then leave you. Oh and by the way i'm taking all our pets too, see ya Kyo.
Then here was Jiz, the girl i was ready to leave everything and go to america for... who decided she didn't want to choose between me and her other girl, after of course making sure i was completely in the throws of love with her and only her. After she broke me again so soon after Fannay, i realised i had never took the time to get over him and it all hit me all over again.
Now comes the glorious couple of months i refer to as my whorish phase, in which i slept with three people in as many months.Don't get me wrong i'm not ashamed i was sexually active, in fact i appluad people who enjoy casual SAFE sex, the only thing i'm ashamed of is the cretins i chose to sleep with. The bad Blondie choice and the just downright dumbass both loved up with me one minute and in another girl's pants the next. Each time failing to separate love from sex and being hurt.
Then of course lets not skip over Inkboy who was entirely too happy to send me pictures of his naughty parts and dirty text with me, invite me over for the sole purpose of having sex, even went to the length of telling me how he'd drown out the noise in case... HIS GIRLFRIEND WALKED IN... mmhmm the end of that.
Enter Dik, the wannabe male model who talked me into leaving another person i was starting to date to give him a chance because he would treat me so much better and he would love me so much more. In fact he even talked me into losing a few friends that were very dear to me and i might never truly get back. Then of course he left... it wasn't me, it was him.
And of course who can forget the short stint with Dom, the girl who got so crazy possessively jealous and controlling it really actually scared me.I was turned back into a victim. It wasn't right. I was even too ashamed to tell anyone just how bad it was.
WOW... looking it over like that sure makes me seem sad, well for a matter of fact i was. Each time i allowed them to break me and each time it got worse. It's no secret unfortunately i have attempted to take my own life on occasion and i hate that i let life and mostly these relationships grind me down to the stage i didn't want to live, because i feared more heartache, more betrayal, more broken promises. No more, and i mean it, no fucking more.
What do i have in this life that is solid? More than some people and i need to realise that.
M, the one who is there at four in the morning when i'm breaking down, who never fails me, never lets me down and is by my side through everything, no matter how hard or how stupid. The other side of my coin, always and forever. The years we've known each other will never be enough. K, my brother who i nearly lost to an almost fatal disease. We can fight till the cows come home and then laugh our asses of two minutes later. Honestly we should have been twins, he's everything to me. My house, after moving to a new place with every other relationship and then running home when things didn't work out and they left me. I finally have my own home, and it is that, it's home, not a house, it's my home. It belongs to just me, and i love it that way. S, my bestie from high school who even though she moved away and we don't talk as much as i'd like us to still means the world and more to me, the popsicle to my fudgsicle. My beloved pets Lulabelle and J.R (John Ross Ewing) who are more than house pets, they're family. And fuck it! My iphone, my lappy, and my bitchy neighborhood that make gossiping a fucking artform xD
Look at THAT! That's a whole paragraph worth of things to live for, reasons to fight back! I'm not stupid. I have borderline personality disorder and though i'm on a high right now i know i'll face downs as well and i might not want to fight, but i have that, that little tiny paragraph to keep me going. The past? It's horrible but it's the past and that is why when i finish writing this blog i'm going to delete all my old posts, so i have no excuse to read over old blogs and crumble under the memories of happy times, because yeah my relationships ended badly and my life wasn't great, but there were a few happy moments in there. A few ;P
Right now i'm choosing to look to the future. I'm saving to enroll in a fiction writing course which i can do with the open university from home without the panic attacks that social situations so often bring about within me. I want to be a writer, I've bounced around from course to course flunking out and diving into something else, but what's the one thing that I've always done as an obsessive hobby and found great joy in... WRITING! I hardly go a day without sitting and writing something whether it's fan fiction, poetry, original fiction or bio's. This is something i can really do. I want one day to sit back and look at my book somewhere on the bestseller list and to know somewhere someone is as touched and enthralled by my stories as i was by my favourite stories growing up. To let some teenager who is bullied escape into my book the way i so often did in school. God, wouldn't that be great? To know you're helping someone the way my favourite authors helped me! HA! Makes me giddy just thinking about it!
I'm also actually in somewhat of a budding relationship :3 You know what though? This time my love life doesn't rule my whole life. This time it's not lust at first sight, in fact we met online and at first as we spoke and got to know each other, we had no idea what the other one looked like. There's no rush this time, no feeling that we constantly need more, more, more! No talk of marriage months into the relationship, no hurry lets move in together, no bloody plans to emigrate to see each other regularly. It's nice... *wistful sigh* It's great in fact. Let's give him a name, one a little kinder than the others *giggles* Hmmm the first thing we bonded over was a common childhood love of pokemon and that new silly rave song 'you're my pikagirl in the pokeworld' Lmao! So let's call him... Trainerboy xD *giggles madly* T for short :3 T is... *sigh* how can i describe him... He's eloquent :3 and a geordie none the less hahaha hmm yeah an eloquent geordie. He's a total geek just like me, but he can say the sweetest things... I get butterflies when he calls me *blush* We just fit, lord knows why but we just do. We're taking things slow... as slow as i can bare anyway haha It's slowly turning into something really special and i can truly say that even if we weren't together, my life is the better for knowing him. <3
So here i am! I am Kyo hear me RAWR! Between my writing course, 2 bound to be outstanding performances i have tickets to, visiting newcastle at some point and creating my very own bucket list with M, and what we have dubbed 'The great rewrite' in which i am revamping all my fic and posting so much fanfic the fans might get sick of me haha... I have things to look forward to, to get excited about. Up Up Up can only go UP from here! Till next time!
XOXO
Kyo.