Someone hand me a paperbag
I'm feeling kinda panicky today. Well alright, scratch the 'kinda'. I'm feeling like any minute now I might go into a full-blown panic attack and the funny thing is - I'm not entirely sure why.
Maybe because I made the mistake of checking my finances last night. That was when I realized that I'm probably more than my mother than I ever wanted to be. I've had someone loan me money so I can pay my rent and my deposit on my temporary new place until I get my first salary, and apparently having a little more money on my account again triggered my "SpendSpendSpendSpendSpend" nerve. So without having realized it, I spent a whole lot more money than I ever intended (you know how that goes, don't buy one big thing, buy 20 small ones and you won't even realize how much you spent). Just like my mom would have. I'm not in DEEP trouble yet or anything, but I'm definitely in my discomfort zone again. Especially when I think about the fact how much money I'm gonna have to pay people back in the next few months. Oh god, I'm really turning into my mother.
Maybe also because a decision I thought I cirumvented (that it, I played possum until I thought I wouldn't have to decide anymore) has popped up again and I need to decide today what to do. Unfortunately, that one also involves money in a way, even though it's not the primary deciding factor.
Maybe because I still have so much stuff to do here that I kinda put off the past few weeks and now...I don't know, I feel scared to even tackle it, even though there's absolutely nothing scary about it.
Or maybe because my friends from back home were visiting me for the last time at my place here yesterday and that kinda brought home the fact that I'll be gone from here in a couple of weeks and will have to start over from scratch again. New city, new people (or rather, no people), new job that I'm suddenly deathly afraid of screwing up and getting tossed out on my ass in a matter of months (though there's no precedence in my life that would make that a likely possibility). And the fact that I'm gonna have to call my parents this week and see what they came up with regarding my move. And I'm pretty scared they couldn't find someone to lend them their car or a trailer and I'm gonna have to rent a truck (that I can't really afford now considering my little unintentional shopping spree).
Maybe it's hormones. It's that time of the month after all. Or it's the full moon that made me toss and turn all night. Or too much caffeine. Maybe it's just me being me again. IDEK.
Maybe because I made the mistake of checking my finances last night. That was when I realized that I'm probably more than my mother than I ever wanted to be. I've had someone loan me money so I can pay my rent and my deposit on my temporary new place until I get my first salary, and apparently having a little more money on my account again triggered my "SpendSpendSpendSpendSpend" nerve. So without having realized it, I spent a whole lot more money than I ever intended (you know how that goes, don't buy one big thing, buy 20 small ones and you won't even realize how much you spent). Just like my mom would have. I'm not in DEEP trouble yet or anything, but I'm definitely in my discomfort zone again. Especially when I think about the fact how much money I'm gonna have to pay people back in the next few months. Oh god, I'm really turning into my mother.
Maybe also because a decision I thought I cirumvented (that it, I played possum until I thought I wouldn't have to decide anymore) has popped up again and I need to decide today what to do. Unfortunately, that one also involves money in a way, even though it's not the primary deciding factor.
Maybe because I still have so much stuff to do here that I kinda put off the past few weeks and now...I don't know, I feel scared to even tackle it, even though there's absolutely nothing scary about it.
Or maybe because my friends from back home were visiting me for the last time at my place here yesterday and that kinda brought home the fact that I'll be gone from here in a couple of weeks and will have to start over from scratch again. New city, new people (or rather, no people), new job that I'm suddenly deathly afraid of screwing up and getting tossed out on my ass in a matter of months (though there's no precedence in my life that would make that a likely possibility). And the fact that I'm gonna have to call my parents this week and see what they came up with regarding my move. And I'm pretty scared they couldn't find someone to lend them their car or a trailer and I'm gonna have to rent a truck (that I can't really afford now considering my little unintentional shopping spree).
Maybe it's hormones. It's that time of the month after all. Or it's the full moon that made me toss and turn all night. Or too much caffeine. Maybe it's just me being me again. IDEK.