(no subject)
what is a life but a mere collection of events that we must endure each and every day. A large Ferris wheel that's always turning. From time to time your rising up high and enjoying the view, other times, you ride down and join the crowd down below. Right now I feel very much like one lost in the crowd. I have no true direction in my life and no drive to change it. Every time I think about how to change my life I simply see all the possibilities and feel overwhelmed. Trapped inside my own doubts and illusions of being fine and everything always working out.
Money is getting tight and my room mates are not reliable when it comes to paying on time. Its quite frustrating. Others owe money as well but never seem to find the time or energy to visit and pay me back. My old friend who I lived with for so long never contacts me unless hes in need of something and I miss the friendship.
Surrounded by people and yet I feel to alone. so alone...
Every day is the same as the last. When I was working it was rise, shower/eat, ride long bus route to work, work, ride long bus route home, eat, sleep. Now that I no longer work just remove the long bus rides and work and there's my day. I search for work and human resources recruiters turn me down because of my past. I cant change my past but it is wreaking havoc on my future and destroying what little resolve I have.
The convention is getting closer and closer and the stress between the different staff members is stupid. Board members ferreting their secrets away in the dark, managers and directors trying to figure things out without guidance, power struggles, mind games, and more. Why do I stick in each year and do this. I have asked myself that at least a dozen times this week and each time it comes down to the same answer. People rely on me. They trust me that I know what I am doing even when I don't. I keep being told I am some great leader when the truth is i am just stumbling around in the dark and getting lucky.
Why cant my work life be like that. Why must it be limited to a society of people who are usually considered socially unacceptable. The outcasts, the rejects, those who are broken. Heh. My legacy eh?
To those few who read this, don't concern yourself, I wont be doing anything stupid. I just need a place to get these thoughts out of my head for a few hours. So comment if you want, tear apart what I say so that all you will see is a man pitying himself instead of doing something productive. I don't care. Depression... everyone is subject to it. I am no different. No greater than anyone else.
I just wish I could find my way in the dark...
Money is getting tight and my room mates are not reliable when it comes to paying on time. Its quite frustrating. Others owe money as well but never seem to find the time or energy to visit and pay me back. My old friend who I lived with for so long never contacts me unless hes in need of something and I miss the friendship.
Surrounded by people and yet I feel to alone. so alone...
Every day is the same as the last. When I was working it was rise, shower/eat, ride long bus route to work, work, ride long bus route home, eat, sleep. Now that I no longer work just remove the long bus rides and work and there's my day. I search for work and human resources recruiters turn me down because of my past. I cant change my past but it is wreaking havoc on my future and destroying what little resolve I have.
The convention is getting closer and closer and the stress between the different staff members is stupid. Board members ferreting their secrets away in the dark, managers and directors trying to figure things out without guidance, power struggles, mind games, and more. Why do I stick in each year and do this. I have asked myself that at least a dozen times this week and each time it comes down to the same answer. People rely on me. They trust me that I know what I am doing even when I don't. I keep being told I am some great leader when the truth is i am just stumbling around in the dark and getting lucky.
Why cant my work life be like that. Why must it be limited to a society of people who are usually considered socially unacceptable. The outcasts, the rejects, those who are broken. Heh. My legacy eh?
To those few who read this, don't concern yourself, I wont be doing anything stupid. I just need a place to get these thoughts out of my head for a few hours. So comment if you want, tear apart what I say so that all you will see is a man pitying himself instead of doing something productive. I don't care. Depression... everyone is subject to it. I am no different. No greater than anyone else.
I just wish I could find my way in the dark...