"Here Comes Your Man"
We had a huge fight last night during the ice storm. She reminded me that I'm a cynical asshole and how contagious my negativity can be. I hate that I can encourage nearly every person I know or meet to be good and do good and do what they want and all of those things that my idealist being presents, but I can't do those things for myself and instead of changing that or whatever, I simply take it out on or vent to those that I love the most. I'm sick of being this way and I'm sick of pushing good things away from me. I just want to be myself and I want to be happy. The past few days I've tried "being real with myself" and have used that to rationalize my life decisions. I don't WANT to move to Ohio. I want to be somewhere comfortable and warm. I don't WANT to keep working my job. I want something low stress and something that I can have some kind of control over. I don't want to stop playing music with my friends to move 500 miles away, where I would have to work 2 or 3 jobs just so survive and couldn't afford to go back to school like I actually want to do. So here I am. I'm sitting at home on a Thursday morning and still kind of feel like shit. She told me she doesn't want me to move anymore because it is her selfishness that wants me there. I would never ask her to come here because MY life is here, not hers. So I guess I'm making a record with my new band, working my shit job to pay my bills, trying to tour with my band and travel with my friends and trying to experience the things I want to experience while I'm young and able. And as soon as I'm in the position, I am going to barber college. Ultimately, I need to do what I want to do and do what feels right. Unfortunately, that means I will end up doing that all by myself. She never puts on my favorite records anyway...