Every day gets better
It's true. It's also true that every day starts with a cry.
Since Joe passed away each day seems to get a little better. Saturday was devastating but I was in a state of shock and with friends keeping me busy and pumped full of spirits I tromped through it and danced (well, bounced) myself silly at Critical Massive - which was an awesome event apart from the overlapping tragic news. Those around me may have noticed occasional pauses when it just seemed like I shut off for a moment - it's not difficult to figure out what, or rather who I was thinking of. When I heard the news I broke down a bit and recovered. Then went to go find a place to hide for awhile and was found and surrounded by some good friends who just held me while I fell apart. If I haven't mentioned it a million times yet, I have some really awesome friends. I also really thank Phil for keeping me in the loop of what was going on before and after Joe left us.
Sunday morning I concentrated on packing up camp and heading home. The drive home I wasn't very talkative with Dave because my mind finally had time to focus on Joe's passing. I managed to keep it together long enough to make it home before I collapsed in to a mess. Monday and Tuesday I tried communicating to everyone I could think of to make sure everyone was in the know while simultaneously losing it. You never know until you try - but it's really hard to type or talk on the phone when your eyes are filled with tears and you can't stop sobbing. Once again my friends came through for me. Joey and Katie kept checking on me and seeing if I needed anything. Troy called me because he had just heard and said he would drop everything in LA to come be with me if I needed. Trying not to sound a little over dramatic, it was those things that kept me grounded and sane. Some dark thoughts go through your head when you're alone and you miss the person you loved most in the world. Some really dark thoughts.
I forced myself back to work on Wednesday. Lost it in the shower while I was singing a song that of course reminded me of him - Pearl Jam's "Black" - Why? Because he heard me sing it in the shower daily when we lived together. I couldn't spend another day alone and the distraction of work was perfect for that. I tried to stay out of my personal email since I knew what was in the inbox, though I did check it once in awhile anyways. When I have people around it's a little easier to keep composure so I snapped out of it pretty quickly. Wednesday night Joe's mom also called me. When I got home I returned the call and we discussed our plans. I love Joe's mom, she reminds me a lot of my own. Even in tragedy being able to share a laugh is how my family tends to deal with things as well. She had an excellent point. Joe hated funerals, memorials, or any services that were depressing. He probably didn't even really like wakes all that much if they were just memorials in disguise. Instead they are going to celebrate his life on/by the water near his parents house and spread some of his ashes across the water so when they look out their window from their house they will remember him. Then food and drinks and camping for those who want to (don't worry, I'll be posting the details for all who want to attend later). In the background I heard Joe's uncle (I think that is who it was) jokingly say 'camping on my lawn is $10/person'. Once again - a family who can find humor during tragedy. His mom also said she wanted to give some of Joe's ashes to me to take back to Seattle to find a place Joe loved, and a place that his friends can go to remember him. So sometime in the near future we'll be celebrating his life in Seattle, spreading his remaining ashes, and likely have a walking wake (read: bar crawl - which Joe did love).
Yesterday was easier. Shower time is singing time, and when every song you sing reminds of a person you lost its easy to come apart for just a bit. But the day was better, I was able to joke about Joe leaving to prevent me from going to the Rush concert (darn you Joe! This is the most elaborate plan you've ever come up with!). Though after work I had a Burning Man meeting right next door to where Joe and I used to live. I saw the construction cone next to the garbage that him and Phil lugged around for awhile and later him and I turned in to a giant ashtray. I thought about him on the bus ride home. The bus we took to the hill or when we were going out.
Today is even better. I've come to just consider singing time to be a good time to remember him and shed a tear and laugh at myself for being so emotional. I can talk about him and joke. Though the extra long hugs friends give me choke me up a bit. But its getting better. Each day is a little better, and each day will start with some tears, but I can accept that.
Tonight I'm going to a drag show with dedications to Joe Jo. I'll be seeing a lot of friends I haven't seen yet since his passing and I have a feeling its going to be a waterworks at the club (not to be confused with steamworks - that's something different altogether). Phil will be among them and together we'll be working on planning the celebration for his parent's place (his mom is leaving it in our hands to do) as well as the Seattle celebration. We're also planning a Sunday night at Madison Pub which used to be a weekly event for us and of course RPlace bringing back RKaraoke for one night in honor Joe on Tuesday the 10th.
Thanks friends... You've been really awesome to me over the last week. Keep up the good work :)
xoxo
Since Joe passed away each day seems to get a little better. Saturday was devastating but I was in a state of shock and with friends keeping me busy and pumped full of spirits I tromped through it and danced (well, bounced) myself silly at Critical Massive - which was an awesome event apart from the overlapping tragic news. Those around me may have noticed occasional pauses when it just seemed like I shut off for a moment - it's not difficult to figure out what, or rather who I was thinking of. When I heard the news I broke down a bit and recovered. Then went to go find a place to hide for awhile and was found and surrounded by some good friends who just held me while I fell apart. If I haven't mentioned it a million times yet, I have some really awesome friends. I also really thank Phil for keeping me in the loop of what was going on before and after Joe left us.
Sunday morning I concentrated on packing up camp and heading home. The drive home I wasn't very talkative with Dave because my mind finally had time to focus on Joe's passing. I managed to keep it together long enough to make it home before I collapsed in to a mess. Monday and Tuesday I tried communicating to everyone I could think of to make sure everyone was in the know while simultaneously losing it. You never know until you try - but it's really hard to type or talk on the phone when your eyes are filled with tears and you can't stop sobbing. Once again my friends came through for me. Joey and Katie kept checking on me and seeing if I needed anything. Troy called me because he had just heard and said he would drop everything in LA to come be with me if I needed. Trying not to sound a little over dramatic, it was those things that kept me grounded and sane. Some dark thoughts go through your head when you're alone and you miss the person you loved most in the world. Some really dark thoughts.
I forced myself back to work on Wednesday. Lost it in the shower while I was singing a song that of course reminded me of him - Pearl Jam's "Black" - Why? Because he heard me sing it in the shower daily when we lived together. I couldn't spend another day alone and the distraction of work was perfect for that. I tried to stay out of my personal email since I knew what was in the inbox, though I did check it once in awhile anyways. When I have people around it's a little easier to keep composure so I snapped out of it pretty quickly. Wednesday night Joe's mom also called me. When I got home I returned the call and we discussed our plans. I love Joe's mom, she reminds me a lot of my own. Even in tragedy being able to share a laugh is how my family tends to deal with things as well. She had an excellent point. Joe hated funerals, memorials, or any services that were depressing. He probably didn't even really like wakes all that much if they were just memorials in disguise. Instead they are going to celebrate his life on/by the water near his parents house and spread some of his ashes across the water so when they look out their window from their house they will remember him. Then food and drinks and camping for those who want to (don't worry, I'll be posting the details for all who want to attend later). In the background I heard Joe's uncle (I think that is who it was) jokingly say 'camping on my lawn is $10/person'. Once again - a family who can find humor during tragedy. His mom also said she wanted to give some of Joe's ashes to me to take back to Seattle to find a place Joe loved, and a place that his friends can go to remember him. So sometime in the near future we'll be celebrating his life in Seattle, spreading his remaining ashes, and likely have a walking wake (read: bar crawl - which Joe did love).
Yesterday was easier. Shower time is singing time, and when every song you sing reminds of a person you lost its easy to come apart for just a bit. But the day was better, I was able to joke about Joe leaving to prevent me from going to the Rush concert (darn you Joe! This is the most elaborate plan you've ever come up with!). Though after work I had a Burning Man meeting right next door to where Joe and I used to live. I saw the construction cone next to the garbage that him and Phil lugged around for awhile and later him and I turned in to a giant ashtray. I thought about him on the bus ride home. The bus we took to the hill or when we were going out.
Today is even better. I've come to just consider singing time to be a good time to remember him and shed a tear and laugh at myself for being so emotional. I can talk about him and joke. Though the extra long hugs friends give me choke me up a bit. But its getting better. Each day is a little better, and each day will start with some tears, but I can accept that.
Tonight I'm going to a drag show with dedications to Joe Jo. I'll be seeing a lot of friends I haven't seen yet since his passing and I have a feeling its going to be a waterworks at the club (not to be confused with steamworks - that's something different altogether). Phil will be among them and together we'll be working on planning the celebration for his parent's place (his mom is leaving it in our hands to do) as well as the Seattle celebration. We're also planning a Sunday night at Madison Pub which used to be a weekly event for us and of course RPlace bringing back RKaraoke for one night in honor Joe on Tuesday the 10th.
Thanks friends... You've been really awesome to me over the last week. Keep up the good work :)
xoxo