Avoiding life.. k, thx vry mch
I've been purposely avoiding writing about Chris more than I have already. I want to sum up my emotions and finalize things with Chris, but I can't. I just don't know what to say or really how I feel about it. I'm sad, pissed off, angry, depressed, whatever. The words aren't coming to me to say goodbye. And now our Davied has passed away this last weekend; taking his own life. And while not as close to him as I was Chris, it couldn't have come at a worse time. the overlaying of two deaths regardless of how close they were to me has really defeated me. It's been a really long time (teen angst era) since I've felt like this. you know, that weird stress and pressure at the same time around your eyes. Like every fucking tear has been sucked from your face and all you feel is this vacuum wanting more. I've probably cried a little every night since Chris passed away, but I've tried to hold it together because that is what I do. I keep it together so people can cry on my shoulder and I can be their rock. while people have suggested to me that I need to take time for myself, I don't know how that works. I've been the momma for so long that I am just the shoulder to cry on, and when they are done I find a quiet corner to crawl into and weep alone. These are the times when one normally leans on their closest friends. when I think of who my three closest friends are in the last few years I think of Chris, who is no longer with us; Kevin who I haven't seen since our legal issues; and Joe, who has been relatively absent the last year for various reasons. I hate the cliche "I'm so alone".. I have a bazillion friends.. that isn't the issue. There are only so many I confide in though, and they are an elite few.
meh
meh