i feel lost
ive made some pretty bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad mistakes... so what seem like mistakes? i feel like im being punished for doing the right thing... i lost a family member because of it.. i feel so bad i cant even put it into the universe what i did anymore... my motives were pure?? i cant keep making myself the victim.. kylee you are not a victim you are not a victim not a victim... this is what i tell myself over and over and over... its like a release, but this release does NOT last. im trying to manifest a peaceful, happy, joyous, free lifestyle... but ahhh! :( its just so hard sometimes.. i want to know what my problem is.. what is wronjg with me?? :( im sad.. super sad. really sad. so sad that i cant remember what to do to get me out of this funk.. writing might help... thats why i am doing it... i jst want to get all my thoughts on paper... as a way to get it out of my head??? i just want this pain to go away... im messing up everything... not a victim kylee. not a victim. no no no! maybe if i just keep telling myself that i will truly feel it... hmmm, thats a good idea... ya it is!! i just want people to like me for me.. i want to like me.. i keep searching for stuff on the outside to make me feel better, only to find out that it also does NOT work,,, i hate that peole gossip... so i totally hooked up with this guy on my crazy weekend of "acting out" and i totally regret it.. ugh, it ws just sooooo long that i wanted to and it was NOT even worth it.. yuck. im looking for someone or something to really feel for and make love to... im so busy planning my future that i forget to stay in the moment... i think im starting to figure out my problem.. i need to really be mindful on the NOW and do the right thing... i have to start listening to my inner voice better and seek guidence from my creator... i just wish i could fix this mess that i am in.. i just want to run off and start traveling... i want a fresh start.. to get away from all these peole... i want to go to cali... but if i run i am only going to end up in the same mess if i dont deal with what is going on.. i just hae so much i need to work on.. maybe tomorrow i will start getting it all out and write about everything that has ever happened in my life that has affected me in a negative way.. ill make sections... family school friends sex etc all separate and bring it to my therapist so we can work on it.. im trying to find myself... i really want to take out a loan and do some soul searching on the road traveling.. would that be running away??? i really dont know... i just care so much about what other people think, its making me sick!! blah...