Last night....
I'm glad I didn't post last night when I was thinking about it, I'm pretty sure I would have woken up in a straight jacket this morning.
I had another breakdown last night... Little one this time, not a full on three day attack... I just don't know whats wrong with me anymore, I don't feel like there's anybody I can talk to half the time, kind of like when you are sitting at a table full of people you know and love, but feel like you are alone.... I know everybody says to call them, they are willing to talk anytime, but how many people actually mean that one? And who's to say what I tell you won't get back around... I'm starting to realize how few people that I actually trust anymore... It's kinda scary. I feel fine talking and hanging out and bullshitting around for a while, but there are some things that I just don't want people to know about me. It scares me that I know them. And really, how pissed would you be at 1 or 2 in the morning to get woken up by an unintelligible phone call of a woman crying and the only thing that you can decipher is that it's me, because your caller id says it is?
I don't know if this is just an extreme version of some bizzare holiday funk or if this is getting serious again. I feel like I'm falling apart most days, in one way or another. Like the glue is coming undone and I'm waiting for pieces to start falling off of me like a leper.
Mom's got doctor's appointments scheduled for the rest of the year... Oncologist, podiatrist (about time she had that syst looked at), another liver scan to determine if it's cancer again...
Bryan's follow-up is tomorrow. They're pretty sure that they bought at least 6 months, maybe up to another 2 years or so before another surgery is needed.
Mine have started up again. I'm having really bad pains again, and timings seen to be way ahead of schedule... I know I sould call the doctor, but they didn't find anything the last time they checked 3 months ago, I'm really just trying to wait this one out until March when I'm scheduled to go back. I really want to get this taken care of, but I want to know that mom and bryan are ok first. If it's here now, it will still be here in March... It's only 3 more months, how much worse can it get? It's not like I'm going to be untreatable in a couple of months... It's not like there's not going to be any less damage, or that much more, than there already is.
Everything else is just residual shit...
This, too, shall pass....
I had another breakdown last night... Little one this time, not a full on three day attack... I just don't know whats wrong with me anymore, I don't feel like there's anybody I can talk to half the time, kind of like when you are sitting at a table full of people you know and love, but feel like you are alone.... I know everybody says to call them, they are willing to talk anytime, but how many people actually mean that one? And who's to say what I tell you won't get back around... I'm starting to realize how few people that I actually trust anymore... It's kinda scary. I feel fine talking and hanging out and bullshitting around for a while, but there are some things that I just don't want people to know about me. It scares me that I know them. And really, how pissed would you be at 1 or 2 in the morning to get woken up by an unintelligible phone call of a woman crying and the only thing that you can decipher is that it's me, because your caller id says it is?
I don't know if this is just an extreme version of some bizzare holiday funk or if this is getting serious again. I feel like I'm falling apart most days, in one way or another. Like the glue is coming undone and I'm waiting for pieces to start falling off of me like a leper.
Mom's got doctor's appointments scheduled for the rest of the year... Oncologist, podiatrist (about time she had that syst looked at), another liver scan to determine if it's cancer again...
Bryan's follow-up is tomorrow. They're pretty sure that they bought at least 6 months, maybe up to another 2 years or so before another surgery is needed.
Mine have started up again. I'm having really bad pains again, and timings seen to be way ahead of schedule... I know I sould call the doctor, but they didn't find anything the last time they checked 3 months ago, I'm really just trying to wait this one out until March when I'm scheduled to go back. I really want to get this taken care of, but I want to know that mom and bryan are ok first. If it's here now, it will still be here in March... It's only 3 more months, how much worse can it get? It's not like I'm going to be untreatable in a couple of months... It's not like there's not going to be any less damage, or that much more, than there already is.
Everything else is just residual shit...
This, too, shall pass....