Life, the universe, and everything else....
I've been doing a lot of inadvertant thinking since last night, some of it intentional, some of it not. After I took 2nd prize to school this morning I intended to come home and go back to bed after i checked mojo and LJ. I haven't been back to sleep yet.
LOL, I started talking to an old friend and then I just started cruising around the net and soul searching.
Things don't look so shiny any more. I started really thinking about what I want. I don't want to stay in this city. I want to go back home, back to France, maybe not anytime soon, but eventually. I'm tired of trying to make someone else happy all of the time and not making myself happy anymore. I want a future. I want to finish school and teach. I want a good job, and it's probably going to be one where I can't adjust my schedule to fit in with someone else's. I think I'm starting to realize a lot more about myself. I had no idea that there were some things that I felt so strongly about.
Last night was kind of a bust. I guess that I put too much faith in the fact that things were going to change. It still hurts to see him fall all over women when I'm right next to him. He knows what they need, but doesn't pay attention to what I need. Another night, another night I'm forgotten. I just don't understand how you can pay so much attention to other people and remember every trival thing, except for what comes out of your girlfriend's mouth. Things that affect you, like her schedule.
I don't get it anymore, but I don't like the way things are starting to turn. Again. It didn't even take a week. How much time do I wait? How long does change take? I'm so used to deciding to change and then making it happen, with little to no backsliding. I don't know what someone else needs timewise. I'm not waiting 6 more months. I can't hold on that long. There's to much else.
Mom's got doctors appointments for the rest of the month and I made her promise that the CAT scan would be done before Christmas. I promised I wouldn't make her go through another surgery before Christmas unless it was absolutely necessary. We're talking emergency. She squeeked out of her jury duty this morning, thank god she didn't get picked.
Bryan seems to be doing well for now, he may come out with me for our last night at Dennys, at least for a couple hours. I think he may even start a mojo profile soon... :)
I'm here.
LOL, I started talking to an old friend and then I just started cruising around the net and soul searching.
Things don't look so shiny any more. I started really thinking about what I want. I don't want to stay in this city. I want to go back home, back to France, maybe not anytime soon, but eventually. I'm tired of trying to make someone else happy all of the time and not making myself happy anymore. I want a future. I want to finish school and teach. I want a good job, and it's probably going to be one where I can't adjust my schedule to fit in with someone else's. I think I'm starting to realize a lot more about myself. I had no idea that there were some things that I felt so strongly about.
Last night was kind of a bust. I guess that I put too much faith in the fact that things were going to change. It still hurts to see him fall all over women when I'm right next to him. He knows what they need, but doesn't pay attention to what I need. Another night, another night I'm forgotten. I just don't understand how you can pay so much attention to other people and remember every trival thing, except for what comes out of your girlfriend's mouth. Things that affect you, like her schedule.
I don't get it anymore, but I don't like the way things are starting to turn. Again. It didn't even take a week. How much time do I wait? How long does change take? I'm so used to deciding to change and then making it happen, with little to no backsliding. I don't know what someone else needs timewise. I'm not waiting 6 more months. I can't hold on that long. There's to much else.
Mom's got doctors appointments for the rest of the month and I made her promise that the CAT scan would be done before Christmas. I promised I wouldn't make her go through another surgery before Christmas unless it was absolutely necessary. We're talking emergency. She squeeked out of her jury duty this morning, thank god she didn't get picked.
Bryan seems to be doing well for now, he may come out with me for our last night at Dennys, at least for a couple hours. I think he may even start a mojo profile soon... :)
I'm here.