(no subject)
i want to stop thinking about you.
i was the one to stop talking to you. i was the one who finally realised that you were bad for me. yet lately, all i've been doing is thinking of you, and i hate it. i want it to stop. i need it to stop.
i loved you. i know you knew it, and a part of me thinks you loved me back. but i think you were too scared to admit you did; you'd spent your life denying that you were that different and you're too proud to admit that maybe they were right. we were special, and you knew it.
there is this part of me that thinks what if. what if i hadn't walked away? what if you had allowed yourself to feel what i did? but then i realise that there was no way i could have stayed with you. you were controlling. i bet you didn't even realise. i bet you thought you were doing what you thought was best for me. but all you did was push me down and snap at me to get up again. you told me so many times to stand up for myself, but how could i when you'd be right there to laugh at what i'd said or tell me i was wrong? sometimes i was right, but you'd never acknowledge it.
i think you liked me because i never fought back. i never stood up to you; i never told you that you were wrong. i never argued with you. i just went along with you blindly, following you for years and years. it's only now that i realise that i never actually liked half the things you shoved down my throat and told me that i was going to like them; there are bad memories attached to those things now. and even now, when someone says i should read or watch something, i wonder if i like it because they do or because i actually like it.
but that's all gone now. i know i don't need you anymore. i've found myself, sort of. i still need help every so often, but that's okay. it's okay because i have my own mind now, i don't have you deciding everything for me and telling me who or what to like. i've got my own likes and dislikes now.
i honestly don't know why i loved you. i don't know if it was love, really. something like it, though. because i know what love is now, and it isn't what i felt for you. whatever it was, i don't feel it anymore.
i love someone else now. so much more than i ever loved you.
i don't need you. what i need is for you to get out of my life completely. because i don't want you in my mind anymore; everything hurts too much. everything's too confusing. i used to feel like i needed you, like you could shield me away from everything, because that's what you tried to do (while at the same time getting angry with me).
i kind of like the person i am now. i'm still working everything out, but i think i'm an okay person. i make my own decisions; i make my own friends. i don't need you to approve of them. i'm making my own mistakes and figuring the world out slowly.
i don't hate you. i could never. you know that i can't bring myself to hate anyone. you always liked that. sometimes i miss you. i still remember everything about you: from the way your eyes would light up when you were talking about the inner workings of clocks to the way you'd watch me when we were playing games at your house. i'd ask you what was wrong and you'd just laugh and say you'd like the way i'd pout when i was concentrating. i remember what your room looks like; i remember the feel of your arms around me (i never did understand why you wanted to snuggle that night. i think i do now though).
i'm going to stop thinking about you now. this will be the last time i think of you. i hope your mother is alright; i hope you're fine. i hope you stop lying to yourself soon. enjoy your life.
good bye.
i was the one to stop talking to you. i was the one who finally realised that you were bad for me. yet lately, all i've been doing is thinking of you, and i hate it. i want it to stop. i need it to stop.
i loved you. i know you knew it, and a part of me thinks you loved me back. but i think you were too scared to admit you did; you'd spent your life denying that you were that different and you're too proud to admit that maybe they were right. we were special, and you knew it.
there is this part of me that thinks what if. what if i hadn't walked away? what if you had allowed yourself to feel what i did? but then i realise that there was no way i could have stayed with you. you were controlling. i bet you didn't even realise. i bet you thought you were doing what you thought was best for me. but all you did was push me down and snap at me to get up again. you told me so many times to stand up for myself, but how could i when you'd be right there to laugh at what i'd said or tell me i was wrong? sometimes i was right, but you'd never acknowledge it.
i think you liked me because i never fought back. i never stood up to you; i never told you that you were wrong. i never argued with you. i just went along with you blindly, following you for years and years. it's only now that i realise that i never actually liked half the things you shoved down my throat and told me that i was going to like them; there are bad memories attached to those things now. and even now, when someone says i should read or watch something, i wonder if i like it because they do or because i actually like it.
but that's all gone now. i know i don't need you anymore. i've found myself, sort of. i still need help every so often, but that's okay. it's okay because i have my own mind now, i don't have you deciding everything for me and telling me who or what to like. i've got my own likes and dislikes now.
i honestly don't know why i loved you. i don't know if it was love, really. something like it, though. because i know what love is now, and it isn't what i felt for you. whatever it was, i don't feel it anymore.
i love someone else now. so much more than i ever loved you.
i don't need you. what i need is for you to get out of my life completely. because i don't want you in my mind anymore; everything hurts too much. everything's too confusing. i used to feel like i needed you, like you could shield me away from everything, because that's what you tried to do (while at the same time getting angry with me).
i kind of like the person i am now. i'm still working everything out, but i think i'm an okay person. i make my own decisions; i make my own friends. i don't need you to approve of them. i'm making my own mistakes and figuring the world out slowly.
i don't hate you. i could never. you know that i can't bring myself to hate anyone. you always liked that. sometimes i miss you. i still remember everything about you: from the way your eyes would light up when you were talking about the inner workings of clocks to the way you'd watch me when we were playing games at your house. i'd ask you what was wrong and you'd just laugh and say you'd like the way i'd pout when i was concentrating. i remember what your room looks like; i remember the feel of your arms around me (i never did understand why you wanted to snuggle that night. i think i do now though).
i'm going to stop thinking about you now. this will be the last time i think of you. i hope your mother is alright; i hope you're fine. i hope you stop lying to yourself soon. enjoy your life.
good bye.