{FANFICTION} Flying Without Wings
TITLE: Flying Without Wings
PAIRING: Ryoda.
RATING: PG (for Ueda-swearing, le gasp)
SUMMARY: Ryo didn't know why Ueda was crying. But sometimes, you don't need to know why someone is crying to comfort them.
GENRE: Angst. Fluff.
DISCLAIMER: Do not own. [title belongs to BoA and Westlife]
WARNING: Not happy-go-lucky stuff, but not omg-I-hate-the-world stuff.
Ryo ran down the hall, hastily throwing on a long-sleeved shirt as he turned a corner. He ran a hand through his sleep-tussled hair, trying and failing to get it into place. He had fallen asleep, and was running late for a photoshoot. He checked his watch again.
The halls were empty, save for the odd staff member re-checking their work. But Ryo didn't peer into the rooms as he rushed past them; he was focused on getting to the photoshoot. Even if he was twenty minutes late. He couldn't find his phone in the dressing room, so he couldn't call anyone to check if the shoot was still on.
The sounds of his footsteps echoed in the corridors, as he flew down them. That was, however, until he heard it.
It was the softest of sounds. Ryo didn't know why, but he slowed down, eventually stopping. Panting, he looked around, trying to find the source of it. His ears led him to a nearby dressing room, the door of which was shut and a piece of paper was hung over the small window.
The sounds continued as he leant closer to the closed door. Now that he was nearer, it sounded as though someone was crying. He was about to turn around and continue on his way, when he saw the paper lying on the ground. Ryo kicked it a little with his foot, managing to flip it over. In thick, black letters, the word "KAT-TUN" was printed. Ryo looked down at the paper, and looked back at the door, which he now noticed had several pieces of tape clinging to it.
Ryo picked the paper up carefully, and knocked on the door gently. The sobs ceased, and a voice meekly ordered, "Go away."
Ryo slowly turned the doorknob, ignoring the protest, and opened the door. He eased himself inside the dim room, casting his eyes about, and eventually found someone lying on a small couch.
"...Ueda?"
Ueda looked up in surprise - he hadn't heard him coming in. "What do you want?"
Ryo walked further into the room, and placed the piece of paper down on the coffee table. "Nothing - I just heard noises, that's all."
Ueda sniffled, and wiped his nose. "Oh."
As the two sat in silence, Ryo took in Ueda's appearance. He was slightly bedraggled; his hair fell over his eyes in a messy heap of copper strands. His eyes were red and puffy, and his sleeve was wet where he had been crying into his arm. There were obvious tear tracks down his cheeks.
Ueda's voice faltered. "N-Nishikido, would you mind terribly leaving me alone right now?"
Ryo's eyebrows knitted together in worry. This was an Ueda he hadn't seen before, and he'd seen many Ueda's. The insecure one; the mysterious one; the happy one; the angry one. But the Ueda he saw before him right now was broken. There was no fire behind his eyes.
"Yes. I do mind."
Ueda looked up at him. "What?"
"You asked if I would mind leaving, and I do. I'm staying here."
Ueda was too tired to fight. He sighed, and lay his head against the back of the couch. "Please. I need this. I-I don't....don't want...y---"
Ryo could see the tears suddenly roll down his face. He could see Ueda's chest heave up and down as he tried to suppress the sobs threatening to spill from his body. He could see as Ueda brought up a hand to stifle the noises he made, and he could see as he turned his head away from him, eyes tightly shut as if that action alone would make the tears stop. Ryo could see how he desperately tried to hide his sorrow from him.
Ryo could see all of that, but that didn't stop him.
Ueda sniffled slightly as Ryo sat beside him, and turned.
"You're not going to tell me what happened, are you?"
Ueda shook his head resolutely, staring back at him with wide, teary eyes. Ryo watched as his entire body shook with the force of keeping his sobs at bay.
Ueda sniffled, and that was all it took.
He squeaked as Ryo bundled him into his arms. It was awkward - Ueda's legs were facing the wrong way; Ryo's knee was digging into Ueda's hip; and Ueda's entire body was stiff.
Ryo brought one arm up to rest on the back of Ueda's head, and the other wrapped around his waist. Slowly, ever so slowly, he could feel Ueda relax. He heard him sigh, and his previously stiff arms tentatively came up to clutch onto the fabric of his shirt.
"Don't hold it in."
Ueda collapsed against him, weak with the force of trying to hold in his sobs, as he finally let go completely. Ryo could feel his body shake as he held it close, and he patted the other man's head comfortingly, running his fingers through his slightly knotted hair.
Ueda's grip tightened as he cried. He turned his head into Ryo's neck, and Ryo could feel the tears on his skin. Ryo ran his free hand over Ueda's back, whispering what he thought could be comforting words into his ear. He wasn't sure that Ueda was listening, but he didn't stop.
He knew he would be punished in the morning for not showing up to his photoshoot. He knew he was going to have to go and personally apologise to every staff member present for that shoot. He knew he was going to have to sit through another lecture from his manager, but he didn't care. It wasn't as if he and Ueda were friends, but when someone is upset, you help them. That was the way he had been brought up. And as he sat there, leaning his head against the others' shoulder, and knowing how much Ueda appreciated it, he realised that there were more important things than turning up to photoshoots on time.
Ueda pressed him closer, ending up in Ryo's lap. He adjusted himself, but allowed the other to squeeze him tightly. In between the chest-wracking sobs, Ueda managed to breathe out a quiet 'thankyou'. Ryo shook his head harshly, and told him to forget about it.
Slowly, Ueda's tears stopped, and he was hanging on limply to Ryo. Ryo kept holding him, until the other drew back, eyes averted.
"Thankyou," he whispered again, looking down at Ryo's lap. Ryo smiled softly, and bent his head down to reach Ueda's eyes.
"It's fine. Are you alright now?"
Ueda nodded, and the two untangled themselves. Each move was slow; cautious. They sat there for a while, the silence disturbed only by Ueda's sniffles and heavy breaths. The atmosphere wasn't awkward; rather, the two seemed to revel in the quiet.
"My cat died."
Ryo looked up at Ueda, who was focused on staring at the piece of paper on the coffee table.
"My cat died, and I wasn't there for him. He was fucking run over, and I wasn't there to help him. The bastards just left him there..." Ueda trailed off, wiping his nose with his sleeve, and throwing a look over at Ryo. He gave a watery chuckle. "Your neck is all wet."
Ryo smiled, leant over to gently grab onto Ueda's shoulder, and push his back into Ryo's chest. This time, Ueda relaxed straight away, and conformed his body so that he was more comfortable. Ryo let his fingers play with the ends of Ueda's hair as his eyes slowly drooped close.
"I bet he was happy."
Ueda opened his eyes again, and turned to look at Ryo.
"I bet he led a happy life."
Ueda smiled, and said, "He was a great cat. He would snuggle right up to you on cold days; he'd know he was not allowed to eat the birds that I feed in the mornings; he'd give you this love -filled look and then rub against you, and you'd know he really loved you."
Ryo ran his hand up and down Ueda's arm as he spoke, and kissed him behind the ear comfortingly, his fingers still toying with the other's hair. "When did it happen?"
"I found him about an hour ago. One of my neighbours rang me, and I went back home. I was certain it wasn't Sparks on the road..." Ueda had to pause, due to the tears slowly making their way down his face, but Ryo carefully wiped them away. "...I couldn't believe it, when I got closer. He was... so lifeless. There was blood on the road - I saw that first. His eyes were open, but he was gone..." Ryo tightened his grip, but Ueda's tears had finally dried up.
"What are you doing here, then?" Ryo asked.
Ueda leant forward to snatch a tissue from the box on the table before answering. "I couldn't stay there. I don't know why. I just had to go somewhere else. So I came back here." He leant back into Ryo's embrace, settling back down again.
"What'd you do with him?"
Ueda took a while to answer. "I... nothing. I couldn't do anything. I stroked him, I cradled him, I spoke to him, but I just left him like the bastards who hit him. Fuck, I'm as bad as them--"
"Hey, hey, calm down, you're not like them. They wouldn't get this upset. You're better than that, alright?" Ueda just sniffled in response, and Ryo resumed stroking his hair.
After a while, Ryo leant forward slightly, to try to meet Ueda's eyes. "Are you okay now?" His eyes were bloodshot and glassy, and his nose was red. Ryo chuckled as Ueda nodded slightly. "You look ridiculous."
"And for a while there, I thought you were actually being a nice person," Ueda retorted, sitting up properly and wiping the remains of tears from his face. Ryo just laughed, and Ueda had the ghost of a smile on his face.
"There we go. That's better," Ryo said, sliding up from his place on the couch to fix his clothes. He grimaced. "Ew. Ueda tears." Ueda managed a full-out (yet still watery) laugh at that, which had Ryo smiling widely.
"Thankyou, Ryo," Ueda said, and Ryo jumped a little at the use of his given name. "It really meant a lot."
"No problem... I hate seeing people unhappy, you know?" Ueda nodded, and suddenly the silence which was almost too comfortable before was stifling them now.
Ryo watched as Ueda turned and grabbed his bag, which was still full from work. He checked himself over in the mirror, grimaced, and turned back to him. "Well... I guess tha---"
"I'll come with you."
"Eh?"
"Back to your place. I'll come with you; we'll bury him - Sparks? - together."
Ueda's eyes fly back to his face, searching wildly for some hidden agenda. When he finds nothing, a relieved expression forms on his tear-stained face, with the hint of a smile. "Thankyou. So much."
"I know already. Hurry up!"
They had to detour, as Ryo had to collect his things from his own dressing room. They took Ueda's car, although Ryo made him sit in the passenger seat. Every so often, Ryo would ask for directions from the other, and he would answer distractedly.
"You're going to break off the door handle, with the way you're clutching it," Ryo chuckled. Indeed, Ueda hadn't let go of the handle since he was forced inside. "It's okay, I'll be there for you."
"Where did the cocky Nishikido Ryo go?" Ueda wondered aloud.
"Oh, don't worry, he's still there. It's just that this Ryo forces his way out when he sees someone crying. Trust me, snarky Ryo will be back soon," Ryo answered, and both of them shared a short-lived laugh.
"Careful on this...road..." Ueda said in a small voice, as Ryo turned into the street his house was on. Ryo immediately parked the car by the side of the road.
"Where is he?" Ryo asked, and Ueda just pointed. It was dark, now, and the street only had a few lights along it. "You stay here, I'll go get him." Ueda nodded, hugging himself.
Ryo ran across the road, his eyes searching the ground for any signs of Sparks. There were many cars parked on the side, and Ryo hoped that the poor animal's body hadn't been rolled over by any of them.
He found Sparks on the grass by the side of the road, just before the footpath started. Ryo sighed as he squatted down next to the poor cat. His eyes were indeed open; his pupils were dilated and staring. His grey fur was matted and dirty, and his claws were still out - he had tried to cling to the road as the car approached. There was blood on his head, near his ear; a lot of blood, like Ueda had said. Ryo couldn't see anything on the road, though, so one of the parked cars must have been covering it.
"You poor little thing," Ryo murmured, stroking his cold body. He carefully picked Sparks up, awkwardly trying to fix him so that he didn't look like a mass of limbs. He was quite heavy, and Ryo grimaced as he could feel the blood seeping in through the material of his shirt. "Come on, buddy."
Ryo made his way back to Ueda, who was still standing there. As he got closer, Ueda's hands flew to his mouth.
Ueda wasn't even aware of Ryo as he stopped infront of him. His eyes were on his beloved pet. "My poor boy..." he whispered, stroking his fur softly as Ryo held him. "I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry..."
"Tatsuya, where do you want to bury him?" Ryo had to ask. Sparks was getting heavier.
Ueda sniffled, and looked up at him. "In the front garden... here, I'll show you."
The two walked down the road to where Ueda's house was. There wasn't much of a garden there, but he managed to find a suitable place for him, which was slightly hidden away. "Here," he said.
"Can you go grab me a shovel, or something?" Ryo asked. Ueda looked at him. "What? It's not as if I'm going to make you dig the hole yourself."
"R-right," Ueda said, and ran off. He returned soon after with a sturdy-looking shovel in his hands. "I couldn't find a box or anything to put him in..."
"...Do you think you could hold him? Or do you want me to put him down?" Ryo asked.
"No! I'll hold him. It's the least I could do..." Ueda answered, and threw the shovel into the ground before reaching for his precious pet, arranging him nicely in his arms.
Ryo nodded, before wrenching the shovel from the ground and beginning to dig. He could hear Ueda talking, not to him, but to Sparks, as he kept digging.
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you. I love you so much; you were such a little character. What's Eri going to do, now, without you there to bap at her nose when she wants to play? Oh, look at your paws, you've skinned them... I hope you weren't in any pain; I hope it was quick..." Ueda continued murmuring as Ryo finished, sweat dripping off his forehead.
"Tatsuya, I'm done."
Ueda nodded, jaw clenched, and lay the body of his little cat into the hole. One last pat, and he drew back, allowing Ryo to fill the hole back up.
"I'm not going to cry."
Ryo looked up, surprised.
"I'm not going to cry. I'm not. I'm--- fuck." Ueda was crying again. Ryo marched over to him and held him close, pressing his lips into his hair.
"You know, that's the most I've ever heard you swear."
"Shut up, and hold me tighter."
And Ryo did.
Ueda awoke the next morning with a headache and eyes that seemed like they were hanging out of his head. His jaw was sore from clenching it so hard, his eyes were red, and his cheeks were puffy.
It felt strange only feeding one cat. She didn't feel it, but Ueda certainly did. And when he let the dogs in, Eri looked at him questionly. He just patted her head, looked into her eyes, and said, "He's gone, Eri."
He let her go, and she followed the other dogs to the front door. The three of them milled around, casting glances back at him.
"What's there, girls?" he asked, just before the doorbell rang. Ueda almost jumped out of his skin. He told the dogs to stay, and opened the door.
Ryo stood on his doorstep, a cardboard box in his hands, and a kind look on his face. Ueda gave him a wide smile, ushering him in. The dogs sniffed around his feet for a while, but quickly lost interest, and ran off to find something to destroy. Ueda knew that his slippers were about to disappear.
"Hi," he said, suddenly awkward.
"Hi. I have a present," Ryo stated, and thrust the box into Ueda's arms. "You'd better open it quick, 'cause I forgot about punching holes into it."
Ueda cast him a slightly panicked look, and set the box down on the kitchen table as Ryo made himself comfortable on one of the chairs. He threw him another look, and slowly unopened the box.
A tiny, furry head made it's way out of the confines of the cardboard, it's tiny green eyes staring back into Ueda's own. Ueda, dumbstruck, looked from the little kitten to Ryo, and back again. Ueda reached into the box, eyes wide, and lifted the petite animal out. It was fluffy, with a tabby colouring. It touched Ueda's nose with one little white paw, and meowed.
"Hello," Ueda said, kissing the top of it's head before bundling it under his jacket.
Ryo chuckled, arms crossed and leaning against the table. "It's a little boy. He's not a replacement for the other one; he's just something to take your mind off him," he stated, and rubbed the back of his neck.
Ueda looked at the shaking bundle of fur. "He's mine?"
"Of course, what gave that away? The fact I said that he was a present?" Ryo snarled, but it lacked the usual venom. Ueda laughed.
"Thankyou. Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou!' Ueda said, a huge smile on his face, true happiness shining through. "I'd hug you, but I'd squish him."
Ryo laughed. "No problem; it'd be weird anyway."
Ueda cocked an eyebrow. "So we'll just pretend you never kissed my head, then."
Ryo spluttered. "I did no such thing! If you tell anyone, I'll deny it! It was for the sake of comforting you!"
"You know, you're only contradicting yourself." Ueda said, smiling as he stroked the kitten's head.
"...You don't have a name for him, yet. What're you gonna call him?" Ryo said, trying to change the subject. His face was not red, damn it.
"Hmm... Taisuke? Taisuke. You look like a little Taisuke," Ueda said, kissing the kitten again as he spoke to it.
Ryo laughed. "Nice. I like it."
"Of course you would," Ueda said, moving around the table to stand nearer Ryo.
The kiss was short but full of emotion, and as Ueda drew back, Ryo stood up, only to cup the back of his neck and pull him in again.
"Thankyou."
"Shut up."
END
A/N: Remember my cat, Koki, that I spoke about in my last post (he flipped a bunch of keys off my keyboard)? Well, he was just run over. I am incredibly sad, and needed to write something to vent. So, most of this contains my real emotions. I don't care if you think I/Ueda are overreacting ("It's just a cat"), I just wanted to write something. Like I said, this was (mostly) how I felt. (I didn't have a Ryo to comfort me, though...)