Deaf

Sep 13, 2007 01:52

It's late. Surprise.

So as of recent, I have been having a bit of an internal battle. Maybe if you would: lend me some thoughts, eh? (That is if you can decipher the rambling that lies ahead.)

I'm on the fence. Not hearing, not quite deaf. Well, not medically, scientifically, or diagnostically deaf. But my hearing is not getting any better - that's for sure. Navigating the hearing world has been significantly more challenging than usual. I sit at lunch with friends taking in the surroundings instead of the conversation, I find myself asking people to repeat themselves, and I'm feeling a lot more disabled than ever before. I'm conflicted - my mother always tells me when I ask how she identifies "Hard of hearing." No question. Matter of fact. But without her hearing aids, she's deaf.

deaf - 1.)partially or wholly lacking or deprived of the sense of hearing; unable to hear.
2.)refusing to listen, heed, or be persuaded; unreasonable or unyielding: deaf to all advice.

Partially. Lacking. Deprived. Unable. Fuck deaf. I want to be Deaf. All my interactions of significance are in the hearing world. I have no time to develop this identity. I'm sick of apologizing for my "disability." I hate my hearing aids...sometimes. I've been keeping them out on the weekends. Class and work - that's when I "need to hear."

I'm fed up with spoken language. I'm annoyed with small talk. Guess what? I didn't hear a fucking word you said about the weather - but I'm smiling anyway! It's exhausting to everyone involved for me to ask you to repeat what you said about your sister's wedding. I'm a small talk killer. So I just smile and nod most of the time. Small talk makes people feel better - but not everyone. If you want to talk to me - look at me in the eyes, let me see your lips move. Make a connection and make an effort, because I'm making a big one just to hear the banter that creeps up behind me - and I'm tired of it. Really.

I love my hearing friends - all of you are incredible (I miss you all, sorry I've been a hermit). I savor one on one time. Looking into each others faces, reading expressions, and making actual connections. I don't feel so disabled when I'm with any of you one on one - thank you for that. That said, I want to try and make a move to make Deaf friends. I need a connection with a community I long to be a part of. It's just so hard to make time. Everyone tells me "But you're not deaf." When I express my ambitions to acclimate, to use ASL and make connections. Not yet. But what if technology doesn't keep up? I can't possibly keep "passing" in the hearing world. I don't feel comfortable anymore. I won't do parties, clubs, or bars - I'm useless at these places. I'm lost at staff meetings. I have actually started having a staff member sign for me when I'm left behind in the conversation (so many thanks to you, Andrea). I could keep complaining and rambling forever. It's nice to get these thoughts (which aren't all super connected) out. If you read this - thank you. And what do you think about my pursuit of this new cultural identity? Deaf? If you have any questions about what it means to be Deaf, I can answer those as well. Would anyone here be willing to go with me to some Deaf events? Force me to get out there? Let me know - and hold me to it.

In other news: I miss you.

With love and hugs and apologies for being long winded/angsty - but what else is livejournal here for?

disability, deaf

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