Fic:When you Tell my Story, Don't Forget Me 6/6
Part Five
[You just don't want to watch me die]
Seeing you like this, After so Many Years
Beloved Father, Poet, Friend
1885 - 1958
Anna stared down at the gravestone, as still as a statue. She had missed his death, avoided his illness, ignored his funeral, abandoned his gravestone… she had let him die in peace. (Though she was haunted by the last words he spoke to her, “You just don’t ( Read more... )
Bless you.
I think I broke into hives when I read this. Thank you SO much for reading and commenting and I am truly glad that you enjoyed this. It wasn't an easy piece to write.
please forgive the fact that this review will be a fail
Everything you are is full of win. Do not apologize, thank you for taking the time to comment at all!!!
I am not a crier, I am just not. Well the first tears threatened during the prologue and as soon as I got to part two I was pathetically done for.
*hands tissue*
Your phrasing is utterly gorgeous. I couldn't say what you're doing exactly
Thank you. I have genuine concern that my style (especially in this piece) is hard to connect with - so I'm glad that it worked for you.
I kept wondering whether the poems where meant as a formal expression of that existential loss
Ah, the poetry. I added them for many reasons - primarily because Anna is a WOC - and I am not. And so much of Anna/Pearl's story is intrinsically tied to the fact that they are Chinese and are connected to the literal history of China ... it seemed foolhardy to think that *I* could portray that connection/identity with any sort of authority. I can't. But Chinese women themselves can. I limited myself to one book of poetry merely to stop the endless research and reading that gave me serious writer's block at the beginning of this project.
To me there was something very nostalgic and eerie about the poems you chose.
YES.
- - - The poetry are included, in part, to remind myself of the history that I was drawing on. Mostly it was to remind myself/the reader - that there ARE thousands of Chinese women with their own stories .... what I love about Anna and Pearl, is that they are Ancient: they are tied to every story - I tried to make them the Chinese version of the (Western) Petrova-doppelganger: female figures that are stagnant throughout time and represent an entire wealth of stories on their bodies. ((I hope that this came across - but I think that for you, at least, it did - that "nostalgia" you mention is very much a part of what I was looking to evoke.))
It was honestly harder to limit myself to the ones I chose (which is why I picked up ONE random collection and wouldn't allow myself to look at any others - I can get lost in poetry) .... I also was hoping to show, through this myriad of HUMAN voices - how dark and twisty Anna/Shen(/Pearl) are - they are not the prosy representations of our humanity: their relationships and journeys are our darkness magnified and distorted.
Anyway. The poetry. It was really important. Especially in authenticating Anna's voice. So. Yes. You are right. And there was more. *g* Thank you for asking!
Add to that that I've been secretly waiting for somebody to write me something like that and unf you exceeded my wildest expectations.
I'm of the wildly unpopular opinion that if you have a kink - SOMEONE ELSE PROBABLY HAS THE SAME KINK, TOO. I seriously needed this story to be told, and I felt as though I didn't do it justice, but if it hit you - then I succeeded.
And the gorgeous, heartbreaking way you deal with the rape. DEAR LORD. All my creys. So effing relatable it hurts. Your complex take on consent makes makes me weep. JOY AND PAIN BRO, JOY AND PAIN. You are amazing. /worships
You may make me cry. Seriously. I completely freaked when Shen did that. I had no idea it was coming - and then there it was and I couldn't take it back, it was too beautiful. And I was SO WORRIED that it was too heavy-handed. YAY YOU LIKED IT OMG! \o/
Thank you for posting this. This stayed with me all day. Wonderful.
SOBS.
Thank you for commenting, you are a wonderful human being and I adore you and your words.
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YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL TO ME.
Mostly it was to remind myself/the reader - that there ARE thousands of Chinese women with their own stories .... what I love about Anna and Pearl, is that they are Ancient: they are tied to every story - I tried to make them the Chinese version of the (Western) Petrova-doppelganger: female figures that are stagnant throughout time and represent an entire wealth of stories on their bodies.
GOD I LOVE THIS SO MUCH. They are tied to every story /dies dies dies
You have no idea how much I needed this story, honestly. It's more than kink-fulfilling, this is the cathartic read I have been craving for months (ever since I read pleasebekidding's stunning Isobel-break-my-fucking-heart big bang--which you should def read if you haven't). I'm still at this point where I have this narcissistic need to feel ~represented (not necessarily in a concrete way obvs, but all the emo pain plz) in fiction and ugh I really love you for giving me words to cry over.
I completely freaked when Shen did that. I had no idea it was coming - and then there it was and I couldn't take it back, it was too beautiful.
You know, I think the fact that it came so naturally (if I can say that--it's not the best way to put it) made it so poignant. It wasn't about throwing abuse into a story, it was about dealing with a story that reveals itself as an abusive clusterfuck. /feelings feelings feelings
Because that's how it happens most of the time. Domestic rape is this perverse thing with blurry lines, where it's so easy to forget that you are a victim and that you don't deserve this. And you captured that with much needy sensitivity. /vomits
SOBS
It really did (stay with me all day). I kept feeling myself pulled back in this verse while doing real life stuff.
LOL at our love being already gross. I LOVE IT I LOVE IT. *loves*
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You know, I think the fact that it came so naturally (if I can say that--it's not the best way to put it)
It was very organic - I'm a wacky writer that listens to my characters implicitly. Shen being in love with Anna was an original idea - the reason for this story was that premise. And Abuse: Anna -> Shen was always the point. Shen's darkness was a delightful surprise. I say "delightful" in that - - - it makes sense.
And you captured that with much needed sensitivity. /vomits
*heavy sigh of relief*
LOL at our love being already gross. I LOVE IT I LOVE IT. *loves*
*g* WE ARE TERRIBLE *loves*
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You know, I think your style worked so well here. It really, really did. It created this sense of...poetry and folklore, almost? That worked so well with the plot. I think the style is inseparable from the narrative here, and that is an amazing thing to accomplish.
And so much of Anna/Pearl's story is intrinsically tied to the fact that they are Chinese and are connected to the literal history of China ... it seemed foolhardy to think that *I* could portray that connection/identity with any sort of authority. I can't. But Chinese women themselves can. I limited myself to one book of poetry merely to stop the endless research and reading that gave me serious writer's block at the beginning of this project.
I LOVE THIS AND YOU AND THIS AND YOU.
I tried to make them the Chinese version of the (Western) Petrova-doppelganger: female figures that are stagnant throughout time and represent an entire wealth of stories on their bodies. ((I hope that this came across - but I think that for you, at least, it did - that "nostalgia" you mention is very much a part of what I was looking to evoke.))
*FLAILS* YES. And this did come across! Especially in the way that Anna is mother-sister-wife-niece to Shen. UGH I'M GETTING GOOSEBUMPS I LOVE STORIES OKAY?
how dark and twisty Anna/Shen(/Pearl) are - they are not the prosy representations of our humanity: their relationships and journeys are our darkness magnified and distorted.
EXACTLY.
. I completely freaked when Shen did that. I had no idea it was coming - and then there it was and I couldn't take it back, it was too beautiful.
I can only imagine how much that must have freaked you out.
Honestly, I now just wish I could have been in your brain as this story developed; I'm so curious as to how it grew and I want all the details!
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THANK YOU omg *blushing*
I LOVE STORIES OKAY?
I DO TOO!!!
I can only imagine how much that must have freaked you out.
I txted EVERYONE and put out an lj call for betas/advice. I completely lost my noodle. But it was sooo beautiful in such a dark way - I couldn't let it go. The problem I kept running into was that Anna is depicted as so childlike - Pearl infantilized her, and her relationship with Jeremy was so innocent despite her other activities - that it was always a struggle balancing her complex mind with her child-body. ((In the end, I loved the mirror imagery of their bodies growing/not-growing so much, though! guh.)
I knew that Shen was going to fall in love with Anna - that was always the plan - but when there was actual rape on the table I lost it. And then everyone I talked to said it needed to stay - the next section was harder to write, because I needed it to be clear that it was abuse on both sides, you know? Not that Anna wasn't a victim - but that they both victimized each other. And then I realized that her saying goodbye wasn't quite right, so I wrote it again from her perspective. #details
Honestly, I now just wish I could have been in your brain as this story developed; I'm so curious as to how it grew and I want all the details!
An outline::
I signed up for tvd_bigbang. I decided to do Pearl and Anna's backstory (in great part b/c my pagan friend loves them and wishes we had their story). I sat down in my pagan friend's living room and talked about what I wanted to do. I wanted to explore Pearl/Anna's relationship as being abusive with this in mind:: (a) Pearl turned Anna to save her life, but was really upset about it ((all those "flashbacks"/memories Anna has of being in great pain refers to her being nearly burned alive)) (b) Anna not knowing why Pearl turned her and going to China to figure it out (c) Pearl is a TERRIBLE mother ....
... and then I realized that Anna would only need to know why Pearl was faced with that kind of a decision, if she went through it herself. And it only made sense to give her a human son who would fall in love with her. Because all most sons begin in love with their mothers.
And then I went to wikipedia and started trying to plan a time in which Pearl would be turned - and why. OMG THE LOTUS SOCIETY WAS A WIKIPEDIA WIN. It was too ~perfect and it fit so well. So then I had a timeline. And then I wanted Anna to go to the West Coast - so I had her find Shen in a railroad worker's camp (I had so many conversations with complete strangers about the realistic possibility of this. BUT IT JUST HAD TO HAPPEN THIS WAY. ((There are no concrete records of women at the camps, but where there are men: there are women. I can only presume there were always prostitutes working the camps. I imagine Shen as being one of their offspring.))
I had intended Anna to figure out more about Pearl and her decision, but I liked that it was fuzzy and abstract. It fit better.
I also had the beginnings of a scene with Anna torturing a "doll" as a child in Europe and overhearing an argument between Katherine and Pearl about the proper raising of Anna. But it just wasn't working ever. My sister has demanded requested the next chapter and I may include it then (the next chapter includes something about Anna as a flower-child and at sit-ins... possibly. much more kitschy than this one, because I don't have a conflict yet.
You wanted to know.
Also - at some point, Shen just started moving around on his own - Anna's letters were the most difficult to write. (I hate, hate, hate writing fiction in first-person. It irritates me. So that was a roadblock.)
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Yes, absolutely, and you did a great job with it.
and then I realized that Anna would only need to know why Pearl was faced with that kind of a decision, if she went through it herself
Ooh, yes!
((There are no concrete records of women at the camps, but where there are men: there are women. I can only presume there were always prostitutes working the camps. I imagine Shen as being one of their offspring.))
Yes, it’s reasonable to suppose there would have been at least some women at some points in time, I think.
I did want to know! Thank you for sharing! It’s all so fascinating for me!
(I hate, hate, hate writing fiction in first-person. It irritates me. So that was a roadblock.)
UGH ME TOO. I mostly don’t like reading it, either, though there are certainly exceptions. But I will never write first person. NOT HAPPENING UGH.
Also, I decided I like this fic EVEN MORE now that I've slept on it. SO GOOD BE PROUD.
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OMG! I AM BLUSHING SO MUCH.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate you reading this and commenting and just! YOU.
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