[Live Musings] Life and other things
It's funny. The past two years have been emotionally exhausting in every possible way.
My childhood was shitty and after I graduated HS, I made a silent promise to myself that I would live a calm, happy, loving life with people who loved and supported each other. And for a while I was able to just escape into my early 20's and that fiesta post-HS relationship that is all things optimism. I thought I had said goodbye to the angsty life that my parents represented. I cut myself off from the negative elements of my childhood that I felt were the source of all my drama and emotional upheaval.
Today I realized... Or rather, I let go of that optimism and found something new.
I've been feeling like, if I just cut out the drama, I could focus on school and my career and myself. That I could live in a drama-free bubble that only let in low levels of emotion. My ex, he lives his life this way. There's a layer between him and emotions, between him and the world. And I envied him.
Now that he's gone.... Or rather, when his bubble stopped protecting me I dealt with each problem that came along with as much detachment as possible. I thought that I could recreate the bubble.
The past year and a half, I've been constantly mystified by drama. It always felt as though there was some fluke in the universe. I was out of the drama. I had cut it out. I could avoid it forever.
But today I was reminded, that "drama" and emotional upheaval is what makes up life. And in order to live in a world on which people support and love people ... I'm going to have days of crying into my cell phone, sitting on the floor of the hallway in my work building. Because when someone I love has a problem, the walls have to come down. I can't live in an emotion-free bubble anymore.
It never suited me, anyway.
This means I'm probably going to have days where school and my thesis are going to be that element that seems surreal. This means that I'm going to need ALL the trolling comment ficathons at all times to keep me smiling and loving the world. This means that I'm going to be an emotional mess.
But that bubble is gone. I don't have to justify my emotional involvement in the world to anyone. I don't have to feel bad about loving so hard I cry when you cry. Or hating so hard that I yell. Or trying so hard to be supportive that a part of me breaks a little.
This is me, world. This is finally me. All floating wildly in the world, letting it all again.
Cause here's the thing: last week a bunch of bizarrely bad things happened. No day was complete without a total catastrophe. But it was a great week. I was just happy for the first time since B left. Happy even in the midst of disaster.
That's the thing about leaving the bubble: the good is GOOD and its worth all the bad. I'll cry for you because it hurts so good to feel.
My childhood was shitty and after I graduated HS, I made a silent promise to myself that I would live a calm, happy, loving life with people who loved and supported each other. And for a while I was able to just escape into my early 20's and that fiesta post-HS relationship that is all things optimism. I thought I had said goodbye to the angsty life that my parents represented. I cut myself off from the negative elements of my childhood that I felt were the source of all my drama and emotional upheaval.
Today I realized... Or rather, I let go of that optimism and found something new.
I've been feeling like, if I just cut out the drama, I could focus on school and my career and myself. That I could live in a drama-free bubble that only let in low levels of emotion. My ex, he lives his life this way. There's a layer between him and emotions, between him and the world. And I envied him.
Now that he's gone.... Or rather, when his bubble stopped protecting me I dealt with each problem that came along with as much detachment as possible. I thought that I could recreate the bubble.
The past year and a half, I've been constantly mystified by drama. It always felt as though there was some fluke in the universe. I was out of the drama. I had cut it out. I could avoid it forever.
But today I was reminded, that "drama" and emotional upheaval is what makes up life. And in order to live in a world on which people support and love people ... I'm going to have days of crying into my cell phone, sitting on the floor of the hallway in my work building. Because when someone I love has a problem, the walls have to come down. I can't live in an emotion-free bubble anymore.
It never suited me, anyway.
This means I'm probably going to have days where school and my thesis are going to be that element that seems surreal. This means that I'm going to need ALL the trolling comment ficathons at all times to keep me smiling and loving the world. This means that I'm going to be an emotional mess.
But that bubble is gone. I don't have to justify my emotional involvement in the world to anyone. I don't have to feel bad about loving so hard I cry when you cry. Or hating so hard that I yell. Or trying so hard to be supportive that a part of me breaks a little.
This is me, world. This is finally me. All floating wildly in the world, letting it all again.
Cause here's the thing: last week a bunch of bizarrely bad things happened. No day was complete without a total catastrophe. But it was a great week. I was just happy for the first time since B left. Happy even in the midst of disaster.
That's the thing about leaving the bubble: the good is GOOD and its worth all the bad. I'll cry for you because it hurts so good to feel.