[flist hearts] seasons are weird and I miss them
Today I very officially told the people who need to know that I'm not staying in Thailand for a third year. This decision makes me inconsolably angry in ways that I can't hardly explain.I love my job. I love this city. I love my school. I am passionately in love with the kids that I could have taught next year. (This year's sixth graders are pretty much meh - but the fifth graders are lovely and most of them already have me wrapped around their pinkie fingers. The fact that I will not get to know them all personally and watch them grow over the course of next year pisses me off.) I love my Thai counterparts. I love what I've managed to do with the Reading Rainbow project and want to expand it next year and all the work I did on this year's English Camp would probably pay off a lot next year. However, I cannot deal with the general attitude of my American coworkers. This was true of last year as well. Also I worked myself into a hospital. So between hating/resenting the other Americans and working too much - there just isn't a good balance. So I'm going home. And it's making me restless and sad and homesick. For everything and nothing. Every minor slight I feel is done by my American coworkers hurts just that much more (because if I could just get along with them, then I'd be able to stay - so the 'not getting along' parts feel that much more painful). Every stack of work or request from another teacher feels that much more impossible (because if I wasn't working so hard, then I'd be able to stay). All of which is adding up to me being miserable.
I'm promising myself that I'll start talking to a recruiter for jobs in South Korea as soon as I get stateside, so that I won't be there long. I know once I find a new job, I'll love it just as much as this one. I fall in love easily.
Letting go of this, however, is one of the hardest things that I've ever done.
So I'm pretty much walking around like a little bundle of unrestrained anger and anxiety and that's just a hoot, let me tell you. (Honestly, I'm forcing myself to leave because I'm so terribly, terribly lonely here. I'm not meeting anyone I can connect with and that's so important to me. My Thai friends are very sweet and we get along, but I'm not forward enough to make them take me out a lot, and the Americans that work with me are just... not kindred spirits at all. I didn't even realize how lonely I was until someone pointed it out to me and now it feels like a burden I can't quite shake myself free of. I'd rather be completely isolated than be surrounded by people I feel don't understand me.)
In other news, I've picked up Twilight again and AM IN DESPERATE LOVE WITH BELLA SWAN. Like, okay so I have been for years, but more in a "sorry about your books" kind of a way. Now I'm getting to know her again on her own terms - without reservations or judgement - and fml is she fucking fantastic.
Now look, I have spent far too much time being overly-critical of her narrative, but let me just state for the record: I didn't like her when I read the novel at 22 because I OVER-IDENTIFIED WITH HER SO HARD I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO CONTAIN MYSELF. I also still felt very ~dismissive of myself at that point in my life AND felt very strongly about the Meyer/Mormonism/internalized-misogyny connection that I felt contributed so much to the narrative as a whole that I felt I was drowning in my own adolescence and internalized hatred. Like... woah it was rough. (I also read it the first time mere MONTHS after deciding once and for all that I was not only no longer Mormon - but no longer considered myself a Christian. Which was a really weird moment in time for me in general.) So, imagine 22 year old me in an abusive relationship struggling to re-define herself without her religion, suddenly plopped into the mindset of her sixteen year old self. IT WAS NOT A GOOD TIME FOR ME TO BE READING IT IS WHAT I'M SAYING. All the negative everything jumped out and threatened to completely destroy me. I'm not even minding Edward all that much this time which LOL AMIRIGHT?
Anyway, Bella Swan for Queen. Sarcastic, too smart for everyone, loves the sun, changes her favorite colour depending on her mood, loves Austen, pretty much thinks all boys are chumps... she's remarkably unlikable actually and it's fucking amazing... she and I should be friends is what I'm telling you.
OMG BUT THE POINT OF THIS. THE POINT! Is that I previously fell into the very dangerous trap of NOT caring for Bella Swan because she is something made for and beloved by teenage girls.
Even if you pick up Twilight and can't stand Meyer's prose, don't like Bella, find Edward to be stupid and gross, please remember who you were at fifteen or sixteen and how desperately you wanted to read a book about yourself - something about you and your perspective, something that you could love unabashadly the way that only teenage girls really know how to love. And once you are there - holding your sixteen year old self's hand - think of the millions of teenage girls who found something in Bella to connect with and love.
Love her for their sake.
Because as vergoldung quite excellently told me a few days ago - hating things that teenage girls love is something that we sometimes don't even notice that we are doing and will try to legitimize in every way possible - and THAT is why Twilight is so important. Because it's for teenage girls. And their loves should be celebrated - not pushed down or pushed aside until they feel stupid for loving them.
If you've said something negative about Bella or Twilight lately and you are over the age of 25, I ask that you check yourself - Bella isn't for you. I'm learning this slowly and surely. I'm reading it all now in the hopes that I can overcome the things inside that tell me to hate the things that teenage girls love. It's an exercise of sorts. One that I'm sure I will need to do multiple times in my life. I'm not ashamed of disliking Twilight for any of the reasons that I didn't before - but I am willing to admit that I spoke out of turn. Twilight was never for me - by the time it was published, it was no longer geared towards my age group or experience. I literally missed being it's demographic by only a few months at least. And for that, I'm sorry. I should have listened to what you were trying to say when you fell in love with this story. I should have respected your love.
Every day is a chance to learn something. I hope that Bella helps me hold on to the compassion that I've acquired in the past couple of years for teenage girls in general - but also for the girl that I used to be. She deserves my compassion, not my judgement. And one day my daughter will desperately need my compassion. My students need my understanding daily. If I sit in my tower of 'adulthood' and judge Twilight for not being high culture - then I'm not doing right by all those teenage girls I see every day (or even the ones I don't).
This is what I'm beginning to learn about my place in feminism. How to be the kind of feminist I want to be. I want to be the cheerleader to young girls who need it - in whatever shape that takes. And it's impossible to be a cheerleader for other women when I'm still judging something that was made for them - for us.
Let Bella Swan be a reminder to be gentle with each other and ourselves.
That's who she is to me.
(This is why I am so adamant that EVERY female character that exists should be loved for their existence. You can dislike a character personally whether you want to or not - that's not any of my business - but I *do* draw the line at prioritizing one kind of female narrative over the other. In the grand scheme of human culture, female characters are too few and too static to not be cherished for merely existing. And I will fucking go down with that ship. You can hate Bella until the cows come home - but don't EVER tell me that she's not important. That every female character is important. That they all should be cherished just for BEING. Because our numbers are unequal and there's not enough variation. Because somewhere out there is a girl who identifies with that character that you don't think is important - and if she's important to JUST ONE GIRL - then she's worth it. She stays.)
In conclusion, I intend on spending tomorrow (Christmas Day) taking myself to dinner and a scary movie and hopefully won't have to engage too much with humans.
In the meantime, I know this is a hard time of year for lots of people (it usually is for me), whether because of complicated family shit, feeling lonely, or general frustration towards a holiday you don't celebrate taking center stage. It's really easy to feel left out at this time of year.
I'm here for you no matter where you are or what you're doing. You're special to me in ways you can't imagine and you have made a tremendous difference in my life. You're a precious gift to me. Thank you for existing and for sharing your existence with me. Please take care of yourself, ask for help if you need it, and remember that you deserve care and understanding. No matter what. I love you. You. Yes. You.
I'm promising myself that I'll start talking to a recruiter for jobs in South Korea as soon as I get stateside, so that I won't be there long. I know once I find a new job, I'll love it just as much as this one. I fall in love easily.
Letting go of this, however, is one of the hardest things that I've ever done.
So I'm pretty much walking around like a little bundle of unrestrained anger and anxiety and that's just a hoot, let me tell you. (Honestly, I'm forcing myself to leave because I'm so terribly, terribly lonely here. I'm not meeting anyone I can connect with and that's so important to me. My Thai friends are very sweet and we get along, but I'm not forward enough to make them take me out a lot, and the Americans that work with me are just... not kindred spirits at all. I didn't even realize how lonely I was until someone pointed it out to me and now it feels like a burden I can't quite shake myself free of. I'd rather be completely isolated than be surrounded by people I feel don't understand me.)
In other news, I've picked up Twilight again and AM IN DESPERATE LOVE WITH BELLA SWAN. Like, okay so I have been for years, but more in a "sorry about your books" kind of a way. Now I'm getting to know her again on her own terms - without reservations or judgement - and fml is she fucking fantastic.
Now look, I have spent far too much time being overly-critical of her narrative, but let me just state for the record: I didn't like her when I read the novel at 22 because I OVER-IDENTIFIED WITH HER SO HARD I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO CONTAIN MYSELF. I also still felt very ~dismissive of myself at that point in my life AND felt very strongly about the Meyer/Mormonism/internalized-misogyny connection that I felt contributed so much to the narrative as a whole that I felt I was drowning in my own adolescence and internalized hatred. Like... woah it was rough. (I also read it the first time mere MONTHS after deciding once and for all that I was not only no longer Mormon - but no longer considered myself a Christian. Which was a really weird moment in time for me in general.) So, imagine 22 year old me in an abusive relationship struggling to re-define herself without her religion, suddenly plopped into the mindset of her sixteen year old self. IT WAS NOT A GOOD TIME FOR ME TO BE READING IT IS WHAT I'M SAYING. All the negative everything jumped out and threatened to completely destroy me. I'm not even minding Edward all that much this time which LOL AMIRIGHT?
Anyway, Bella Swan for Queen. Sarcastic, too smart for everyone, loves the sun, changes her favorite colour depending on her mood, loves Austen, pretty much thinks all boys are chumps... she's remarkably unlikable actually and it's fucking amazing... she and I should be friends is what I'm telling you.
OMG BUT THE POINT OF THIS. THE POINT! Is that I previously fell into the very dangerous trap of NOT caring for Bella Swan because she is something made for and beloved by teenage girls.
Even if you pick up Twilight and can't stand Meyer's prose, don't like Bella, find Edward to be stupid and gross, please remember who you were at fifteen or sixteen and how desperately you wanted to read a book about yourself - something about you and your perspective, something that you could love unabashadly the way that only teenage girls really know how to love. And once you are there - holding your sixteen year old self's hand - think of the millions of teenage girls who found something in Bella to connect with and love.
Love her for their sake.
Because as vergoldung quite excellently told me a few days ago - hating things that teenage girls love is something that we sometimes don't even notice that we are doing and will try to legitimize in every way possible - and THAT is why Twilight is so important. Because it's for teenage girls. And their loves should be celebrated - not pushed down or pushed aside until they feel stupid for loving them.
If you've said something negative about Bella or Twilight lately and you are over the age of 25, I ask that you check yourself - Bella isn't for you. I'm learning this slowly and surely. I'm reading it all now in the hopes that I can overcome the things inside that tell me to hate the things that teenage girls love. It's an exercise of sorts. One that I'm sure I will need to do multiple times in my life. I'm not ashamed of disliking Twilight for any of the reasons that I didn't before - but I am willing to admit that I spoke out of turn. Twilight was never for me - by the time it was published, it was no longer geared towards my age group or experience. I literally missed being it's demographic by only a few months at least. And for that, I'm sorry. I should have listened to what you were trying to say when you fell in love with this story. I should have respected your love.
Every day is a chance to learn something. I hope that Bella helps me hold on to the compassion that I've acquired in the past couple of years for teenage girls in general - but also for the girl that I used to be. She deserves my compassion, not my judgement. And one day my daughter will desperately need my compassion. My students need my understanding daily. If I sit in my tower of 'adulthood' and judge Twilight for not being high culture - then I'm not doing right by all those teenage girls I see every day (or even the ones I don't).
This is what I'm beginning to learn about my place in feminism. How to be the kind of feminist I want to be. I want to be the cheerleader to young girls who need it - in whatever shape that takes. And it's impossible to be a cheerleader for other women when I'm still judging something that was made for them - for us.
Let Bella Swan be a reminder to be gentle with each other and ourselves.
That's who she is to me.
(This is why I am so adamant that EVERY female character that exists should be loved for their existence. You can dislike a character personally whether you want to or not - that's not any of my business - but I *do* draw the line at prioritizing one kind of female narrative over the other. In the grand scheme of human culture, female characters are too few and too static to not be cherished for merely existing. And I will fucking go down with that ship. You can hate Bella until the cows come home - but don't EVER tell me that she's not important. That every female character is important. That they all should be cherished just for BEING. Because our numbers are unequal and there's not enough variation. Because somewhere out there is a girl who identifies with that character that you don't think is important - and if she's important to JUST ONE GIRL - then she's worth it. She stays.)
In conclusion, I intend on spending tomorrow (Christmas Day) taking myself to dinner and a scary movie and hopefully won't have to engage too much with humans.
In the meantime, I know this is a hard time of year for lots of people (it usually is for me), whether because of complicated family shit, feeling lonely, or general frustration towards a holiday you don't celebrate taking center stage. It's really easy to feel left out at this time of year.
I'm here for you no matter where you are or what you're doing. You're special to me in ways you can't imagine and you have made a tremendous difference in my life. You're a precious gift to me. Thank you for existing and for sharing your existence with me. Please take care of yourself, ask for help if you need it, and remember that you deserve care and understanding. No matter what. I love you. You. Yes. You.