[fic] slipping right down

[kwritten]

fic: blurring the lines: slipping right down (ao3)
fandom: BtVS
pairing: Buffy/Tara, Dawn
word count: ~1,000
summary: Buffy's memories continue to blur between realities and Tara searches for a cure
a/n: I forgot about my little ficlet blurring the lines, but red_satin_doll's top 5 Buffy/Tara rec post reminded me and I decided sporadically that I had more to say

Comments

Re: I have so many FEELS I can

[kwritten]

I have ten minutes and then a massive weekend begins (and I promise to respond to everything else as soon as I get back) but I wanted to say this:

sometimes seemed too long or too fast, too "much".
In the paragraph about domestic reality - with the long list: " because there's softball practice scooby meetings track practice sleepovers science fairs slaying staying up nights on the porch fingers intertwined just to hear the sun wake the world up." I had a series of "and"'s separating the list, to drive up the rhythm. But it was too fast (as you say), so I took them out. But commas also didn't work, it made them sound plodding, like a grocery list instead of a description. And I thought about making them ee cummings-style one-word ("eddieandbill" // "bettyandisbel ")) but there are just certain things I have to leave to poetry and felt like that would be too much. So I left it just as words with nothing to separate them, so that it would feel like the world and not a list and not one thing, but all the things blurring together and being what they are; but no rush. Like daily events that happen as they happen. And it was hard to make myself leave that "list" like that - but I didn't want it to feel like a list.

So yes, I agree with you. There were parts that felt like too much - and this one moves along much faster.

But also the "Full stop." - I wanted it to feel a bit like someone (Buffy or Tara) was trying to make sense of what was happening, like they were writing facts down and trying to sort it out. Anyway, I wanted form to be a present indicator: we know the narrator understands that sentences are formed and stop, there's a reason why they don't... sort of.

So anyway... I thought that writing-process tidbit would make sense/be of interest to you. :)

((WANT TO ANSWER THE REST BUT MUST DASH OFF TO WORK AND A CRAZY WEEKEND! LOVE FOREVER THANK YOU FOR THE PERFECT COMMENTS!))

I HATE MY TIMEZONE

Re: I have so many FEELS I can

[red_satin_doll]

That first paragraph you quote actually is past the point where my brain had already made the "switchover", was falling into the flow of the words. I didn't think the form was accidental by any means. that's why I re-read it and realized that yes, the form does work if I let it happen, let it flow and it does, it's sort of hynotic. Which I also tried to express but maybe didn't quite?

The comparison to Mrs Dalloway I made was that one page (in my friend's copy) in which one page is a single sentence (Woolf does use commas in it, but an entire sentence that's a page long and swoops and curls and then - finally, period. Breaks every rule they ever taught us in school and it took my breathe away it felt so - audacious, nearly a century later.

I'm glad you didn't go ee cummings on this. Readibility, clarity and legibility are important to me because of my eyesight (and seizure disorder.)

But commas also didn't work, it made them sound plodding, like a grocery list instead of a description.

I'm not sure "where" this story falls in relation to the series canon (I assumed it was already in S7 because you mentioned tara doesn't die in SR, so from that I assumed after SR not before. I'm not sure it matters though anyway.)

But I think what you're doing here is creating a different feel from canon depressed Buffy S6; a plodding list would make sense in that context, but this seems to be Buffy in a more manic phase? But you say "no rush" - but there is a feel of that, but then life can be a rush even at it's most daily and especially so - if Buffy and Tara are "in it" in some way, trying to participate and not off hiding, not lethargic.

You know how it is when life is going fast and your thoughts are too and they sync up together but what caused what and how do you slow it down? Slow down the activity or slow down the thoughts?

like they were writing facts down and trying to sort it out.

When we had the fire in August I wrote diary entries for the first time in years, for about one week, because the chaos and pain was too much to handle

In my headcanon Buffy burned her diaries after GD when Angel left ("Sort of a "I graduated and my ex-boyfriend left town" ritual. It seemed like the thing to do.") And the present that Tara gives her in OAFA, which we never get to see, is a new diary and pen. Something to help Buffy sort her thoughts. Maybe with a music CD; I don't see her giving Buffy anything like a book of sayings and cliches or a self-help book. (I remember Buffy loved poetry esp haikus in S5; I can see that fitting her sort of terse, snappy wit and style of communication - no wasted words - and I love the idea of her writing them as well. What would they look like?

I also imagined that Tara and Willow might have been writing and collecting spells with an eye to maybe publishing someday (those sorts of books were very popular when I was in college anyway); but even without Willow I can see Tara as someone who might write, who might have a letter from her mother, along with a cherished, battered photo album, and someone who is a reader.

I'm just babbling now, clearly. Anyhoo, thank you for sharing your process; I don't think I could ever articulate mine so clearly!

Re: I have so many FEELS I can

[clockwork_hart1]

And the present that Tara gives her in OAFA, which we never get to see, is a new diary and pen. Something to help Buffy sort her thoughts. Maybe with a music CD; I don't see her giving Buffy anything like a book of sayings and cliches or a self-help book. (I remember Buffy loved poetry esp haikus in S5; I can see that fitting her sort of terse, snappy wit and style of communication - no wasted words - and I love the idea of her writing them as well. What would they look like?

You give me ideas... S5-6, maybe 7 and all her disassociation through poetry?

(oh God, imagine SR)

Re: I have so many FEELS I can

[red_satin_doll]

and all her disassociation through poetry?

(oh God, imagine SR)

OH...I can't imagine that experience or even how to write about it in the way you suggest - which means you'll get it perfect.

And after other events across the series: Prophecy Girl, Innocence, etc.

I think your story post-The Body fic for Lynzie's prompt fits this idea or "series" because the way it reads it could be a diary or journal entry.

This is somewhat of a bunny trail, something I've wanted to do meta about: You've just reminded me of a post-series story by Aisalynn on AO3, "Morning Routine" in which Buffy and Spike realize that they both have lingering PTSD from the AR (the scene itself is quick, sharp, and very visceral.)
http://archiveofourown.org/works/649924
(I'm hoping to rec it on BT5 this week)

It's one of the few (only?) "Spuffy" fanfics I've come across that actually acknowledges Buffy's trauma from that event. Countless fanfics, even by very good writers, describe his trauma and guilt especially if he and Buffy touch (on purpose or accidentally), or they are both in the bathroom together - BUT NOT HER'S. She usually has no trauma from it and no reaction, is puzzled by his reaction for a moment, etc. I read a story by a friend (hence no names mentioned) where this exact thing happened; I saw it coming and was having flashbacks myself and freaking a little on Buffy's behalf - but she doesn't.

And whatever complaints can be made about how the aftermath was handled in canon, the show is extemely explicit that Buffy has PTSD from this in Beneath You and Him. THIS IS CANON.

(I apologize to kwritten for hiijacking the thread.)

Re: I have so many FEELS I can

[clockwork_hart1]

But the pain would be twofold, the ptsd and the grief. Bodies in more than one sense of the word. And then writing that in a book given to you by the person you've lost?

(My heart is exploding right now)

Re: I have so many FEELS I can

[red_satin_doll]

OH! When you said SR - see what happened there? My mind went straight to the bathroom - and for all my ranting about not focusing on the men...ugh.

Oh god yes. YES PLEASE WRITE THIS. You just broke me, in a good way.

I think the only story I've seen about Buffy's grief re: tara is the one I rec'd by lanoyee and that resulted from conversations we'd had on the subject; I'm VERY sorry she's MIA because you'd love her. She fantastic and she shares our thoughts on these subjects. We'd never stop chatting!

hijack away!

[kwritten]

(please feel free to keep brainstorming and discussing here! I won't interrupt, but I love watching!)

Re: hijack away!

[red_satin_doll]

(please feel free to keep brainstorming and discussing here! I won't interrupt, but I love watching!)

Now when you say it that way it sounds wonderfully perverse! And as it happens, I enjoy having an audience....

Re: I have so many FEELS I can

[kwritten]

That first paragraph you quote actually is past the point where my brain had already made the "switchover", was falling into the flow of the words.
I wasn't meaning to infer that this would be a place where the reader/you would feel discomforted... but just that you mentioned the flow was hard to get into as a reader and THIS exact moment that I quoted was a place where I - as the writer - struggled with how to keep that form going. It was less an explanation of form and more bouncing off your discussion to show you the backside of writing. Sometimes the flow is slippery and at that moment, I nearly lost it.
That's all my intent was in sharing that with you.

Which I also tried to express but maybe didn't quite?
You said it right. I didn't misunderstand.

I was... I guess I wasn't clear on my intention? I love sharing the writing process - especially in terms of form! So when you commented that the form took a while to flow into - I was just empathizing: as a writer, I struggled with it also. As a reader, yes by that point you should feel comfortable - but that sentence was written before some of the ones previous - I jumped around a lot while I was writing this piece - and so that specific sentence was one that I could point to and say: "yes, here is a spot where I almost lost the flow" :)

I'm not sure "where" this story falls in relation to the series canon (I assumed it was already in S7 because you mentioned tara doesn't die in SR, so from that I assumed after SR not before. I'm not sure it matters though anyway.)
I think that it actually harms the piece if you try to compare/place it?

The details I have given infer that Willow went to Oxford at the end of S3 - which means somewhere in the middle of S3, canon shifted. And if Buffy was involved in a romantic relationship with Tara at that time (instead of Riley) - her emotional involvement would have been somewhere else. I also have explicitly not mentioned Buffy ever dying (except for in the "alternate" space). ((The doubled-conversations speak of someone being dead "sometimes" which can either be Buffy talking about Tara being alive here, or Buffy only being dead for a short time.))
This entire story would actually all be taking place post-canonS7, as there are references to the Hellmouth being closed, Buffy no longer needing to work, and Dawn being 17/going to prom.
I also mention Buffy having a working relationship with Fred - even though it is presumably post-NFA - which means that A:tS-canon has also been changed.

But I think what you're doing here is creating a different feel from canon depressed Buffy S6
Yes. This isn't depression at all - this is madness. She is losing control of her memories and mind, there's nothing stopping the Key-spell from faltering and so her mind is splintering between what was and what is.

but this seems to be Buffy in a more manic phase? But you say "no rush" - but there is a feel of that
There should be a rush only in the sense that there is no separation between what is real and what isn't - I suppose. Trying to gather up the facts before they slip away and new ones replace them.
Notice the repeated attempts to find "clarity" - to find the thing that doesn't fit, or the thing that makes it all make sense. So she puts the different memories into category banks where things add up to being the same thing - but if it was a memory of an entire life, it would flood your whole system all at once. That's why it feels rushed. It's not so much that Buffy is rushing - it's that she's wavering between two different Selves and realities all the time, and each time it takes her over. That's what those quick, run-on sentences are supposed to signify: the memory of an entire lifetime suddenly being her present and then leaving just as swiftly.

Does that make sense?

(Although if you read it another way - do so. I am not the authority)

Re: I have so many FEELS I can

[red_satin_doll]

That's all my intent was in sharing that with you.

Every single person on my flist (whom I actually communicate with) can tell you that assuming I've offended someone because I can't read "tone" when I'm first forming a relationship with someone online is pretty much my M.O. - assume the worst, hope for the best.

As much as I love the internet and the fact that the stimulation I found here is like nothing I've had since my college days, the one missing piece is the face-to-face interactions. (And, I'm probably still nursing a wound or two from former "collaborators.")

Which is to say, ah, I understand now, thank you for being so patient!



She is losing control of her memories and mind, there's nothing stopping the Key-spell from faltering and so her mind is splintering between what was and what is.

This is RELEVANT TO MY INTERESTS. I think it's significant that on btvs the three people who've had their minds fucked with the most or at least the most significantly (pardon my Anglo-saxon) are Dawn of course (who has no real memories prior to her creation) are Dawn of course, Buffy and Tara. (I might add Drusilla in terms of being tortured by Angelus - "turned" psychologically long before he'd literally sired her.)

I've always been perplexed by some people's anger at the ending of Normal Again and the NEED to determine "which" Sunnydale is the "real" one. Well, as this is a fictional story the answer is: Neither. And therefore either one or both may be as "real" as the other for our purposes. Unlike Buffy within the canon of the buffyverse or your 'verse, we don't have to make a choice, we can accept that both realities may co-exist side-by-side. That's one of the major themes of btvs: it's a story about storytelling, about taking back control of the story and changing the ending.

Whether it's possible for the mind - Buffy's mind in this instance - to hold onto and exist within two realities at once without being entirely torn apart is another matter.

And what of Dawn's existence, if Buffy does indeed "splinter"? If Dawn is the Key, does she continue to exist when her symbolic mother (Buffy - "Summers blood") dies? Is it necessary for one to be obliterated in order for the other to survive? (As the patriarchy would have it - the child must grow up, grow beyond, "kill" the parent if necessary to take over as "adult".)

(I may be repeating myself. It happens.)

And also, your notes are extremely helpful to my appreciation of this fic and 'verse. Your comments make a great deal of sense; I've reread the story after these comments and back again, and interlaced the two, which is thrilling to me because each time I read it's like peeling back another layer, with your notes as my guide to this strange world. Meta notes that deepen my understanding of meta-fic and vice-versa? Bring it on.

I am not the authority
*LOL* Have you read angearia's meta-rants on authorial intent?
http://angearia.livejournal.com/263520.html?thread=7357792#t7357792
"Authorship exists in the action" NEEDS to be on the banner of the revolution. Of course we're all slaves to the characters, readers and authors alike. Anyone who tries to claim otherwise is kidding themselves.