[fic] i want to watch you shatter like glass
fic: I want to watch you shatter like glass
fandom: Heirs~
pairing: Eunsang/Tan (light reference to Youngdo's existence)
word count: ~1000
a/n: written as a reaction post to ep 12
warnings: dark imagery
[Eunsang is my dark goddess]She can feel her heart race when he looks at her and that's the way it is supposed to be and she doesn't fight it only sometimes it feels like she's fighting for it somehow. Fighting not to catch her breath, but to lose it. Fighting to stumble when she feels so tall. Fighting to stay sober when she feels drunk but not on love like she ought to be. Maybe she isn't playing the part as well as she could.
Maybe she doesn't have the heart to care anymore.
She always felt hollow anyway.
She is the princess in a fairy tale and she can see it all now. Ugly crying on a sidewalk with her dreams shattered and her life in pieces and there is a white knight (there is always a white knight) and he picks up the pieces and it's still a disaster but she's seen this movie before so might as well keep going, even if it ends in blood.
Oh, how she wishes it would end in blood.
But it doesn't end and there's only more monsters around the corner and more rescuing (he thinks he's rescuing her from himself but what if he is the dragon) no matter she keeps going. Because she's tired of treading water to get no where and always feel like she's drowning.
Here's another story.
Full stop.
Here's a story with a prince and a castle and dreams and hopes and groves of trees and laughter maybe. Here's a story where maybe she'll win and maybe she's the princess and maybe he's her knight and maybe that's all she can hold on to right now.
Because didn't you see her dreams shatter all over the pavement as the world kept spinning?
So here's a new dream. Here's a new tale. Here's a story where she can just float in the water and there are no tentacles in the water longing to drag her down and she's not struggling to breathe, she just breathes and that's all and that's so much simpler and he tells her how.
And it was a beautiful dream. Something from a book. Something that Shakespeare would have loved.
Something she would have loved had she not been in the middle of it, convincing herself that she wasn't the one on the quest anymore - she is the quest and all she need do is stay still because the story will happen whether she moves or not.
And that's nice for a change.
Questing and fighting and working and longing and hoping and wishing and dreaming and....
It's hard work to be the hero of your own story. Better be the prop in someone else's.
And that's simple enough.
The dream ends, the story shifts, our princess goes back to her cottage and everything is backwards and that's alright somehow because maybe she'll get her grip back on reality and her heart will beat faster someday without her whispering to it urgently to play the part.
Only it doesn't end.
And now the dream is a nightmare.
And that's something she can get behind.
She always wanted a story that ended in blood.
It'll probably be hers this time.
That's a story she can get behind.
A princess lying dead on the forest floor and she is forgotten and the knight marries another and the bitter heartbreak is that you watched it all and are the only one and the triumph is that the princess was the evil queen all along and she rises and walks away from it all anyway.
So she keeps playing the part, waiting for the day when it will end and all be over and she can rise from the ashes and start over in a new story that is all her own and not one that someone else can fuck with.
Because fuck them that's why.
She's patient, she's played this game before - on the beach with the sun and the wind and the laughter and the fear that ate away at her insides just the way it does here.
Only every time he touches her, she starts to feel solid again.
She isn't solid - she's a fairy princess that he chases on the wind and will never get because that's not how the story ends, he already has a princess and this is just a game.
Every touch is like knives in her skin (only never enough) and maybe this time she's like that girl who wished for legs and bled from the soles of her feet and she smiles a bit when she leans her head on his shoulder and feels the prickling, because there is the blood and it's never enough but it's rushing and maybe it will finally be the end.
Only every touch makes her more solid, makes him more real, tears her away from her fantasies. She doesn't have to perform the part of the gasping girl when he grabs her - her breath catches.
Because if she is solid then she can break.
And that's something she can't allow.
Being solid is being pinned down is being trapped is drowning again.
As long as it is someone else's story and all she has to do is wait for it to be over, the drowning is kept at bay.
(She lies to herself.)
As long as she is just waiting for her knight to complete his quest, she can breathe.
(She lies to herself.)
Sometimes she feels like his mirror and she wonders.
If I become glass and throw myself to the ground and shatter, will you?
Sometimes she feels like his shadow and she wonders.
If I become the villain and stab you in the throat, will I fall to the ground too?
She wants them to play the villain like a game - and they want it too.
But all she wants is for it to end in blood.
She is glass, she is hollow, she is heartless, she is an object for him to place his hopes on.
Someday she will shatter to pieces in his hands and the pieces of her will cut him and she will rise from the blood and the dust.
Someday he will make her solid and she will knock him over.
And her glass knight will shatter at her feet.
And she will walk away, the villain triumphant.
You think you have the monopoly on loving pain? Boy you have never seen my true smile.
And child, it is a sight to behold.
fandom: Heirs~
pairing: Eunsang/Tan (light reference to Youngdo's existence)
word count: ~1000
a/n: written as a reaction post to ep 12
warnings: dark imagery
[Eunsang is my dark goddess]She can feel her heart race when he looks at her and that's the way it is supposed to be and she doesn't fight it only sometimes it feels like she's fighting for it somehow. Fighting not to catch her breath, but to lose it. Fighting to stumble when she feels so tall. Fighting to stay sober when she feels drunk but not on love like she ought to be. Maybe she isn't playing the part as well as she could.
Maybe she doesn't have the heart to care anymore.
She always felt hollow anyway.
She is the princess in a fairy tale and she can see it all now. Ugly crying on a sidewalk with her dreams shattered and her life in pieces and there is a white knight (there is always a white knight) and he picks up the pieces and it's still a disaster but she's seen this movie before so might as well keep going, even if it ends in blood.
Oh, how she wishes it would end in blood.
But it doesn't end and there's only more monsters around the corner and more rescuing (he thinks he's rescuing her from himself but what if he is the dragon) no matter she keeps going. Because she's tired of treading water to get no where and always feel like she's drowning.
Here's another story.
Full stop.
Here's a story with a prince and a castle and dreams and hopes and groves of trees and laughter maybe. Here's a story where maybe she'll win and maybe she's the princess and maybe he's her knight and maybe that's all she can hold on to right now.
Because didn't you see her dreams shatter all over the pavement as the world kept spinning?
So here's a new dream. Here's a new tale. Here's a story where she can just float in the water and there are no tentacles in the water longing to drag her down and she's not struggling to breathe, she just breathes and that's all and that's so much simpler and he tells her how.
And it was a beautiful dream. Something from a book. Something that Shakespeare would have loved.
Something she would have loved had she not been in the middle of it, convincing herself that she wasn't the one on the quest anymore - she is the quest and all she need do is stay still because the story will happen whether she moves or not.
And that's nice for a change.
Questing and fighting and working and longing and hoping and wishing and dreaming and....
It's hard work to be the hero of your own story. Better be the prop in someone else's.
And that's simple enough.
The dream ends, the story shifts, our princess goes back to her cottage and everything is backwards and that's alright somehow because maybe she'll get her grip back on reality and her heart will beat faster someday without her whispering to it urgently to play the part.
Only it doesn't end.
And now the dream is a nightmare.
And that's something she can get behind.
She always wanted a story that ended in blood.
It'll probably be hers this time.
That's a story she can get behind.
A princess lying dead on the forest floor and she is forgotten and the knight marries another and the bitter heartbreak is that you watched it all and are the only one and the triumph is that the princess was the evil queen all along and she rises and walks away from it all anyway.
So she keeps playing the part, waiting for the day when it will end and all be over and she can rise from the ashes and start over in a new story that is all her own and not one that someone else can fuck with.
Because fuck them that's why.
She's patient, she's played this game before - on the beach with the sun and the wind and the laughter and the fear that ate away at her insides just the way it does here.
Only every time he touches her, she starts to feel solid again.
She isn't solid - she's a fairy princess that he chases on the wind and will never get because that's not how the story ends, he already has a princess and this is just a game.
Every touch is like knives in her skin (only never enough) and maybe this time she's like that girl who wished for legs and bled from the soles of her feet and she smiles a bit when she leans her head on his shoulder and feels the prickling, because there is the blood and it's never enough but it's rushing and maybe it will finally be the end.
Only every touch makes her more solid, makes him more real, tears her away from her fantasies. She doesn't have to perform the part of the gasping girl when he grabs her - her breath catches.
Because if she is solid then she can break.
And that's something she can't allow.
Being solid is being pinned down is being trapped is drowning again.
As long as it is someone else's story and all she has to do is wait for it to be over, the drowning is kept at bay.
(She lies to herself.)
As long as she is just waiting for her knight to complete his quest, she can breathe.
(She lies to herself.)
Sometimes she feels like his mirror and she wonders.
If I become glass and throw myself to the ground and shatter, will you?
Sometimes she feels like his shadow and she wonders.
If I become the villain and stab you in the throat, will I fall to the ground too?
She wants them to play the villain like a game - and they want it too.
But all she wants is for it to end in blood.
She is glass, she is hollow, she is heartless, she is an object for him to place his hopes on.
Someday she will shatter to pieces in his hands and the pieces of her will cut him and she will rise from the blood and the dust.
Someday he will make her solid and she will knock him over.
And her glass knight will shatter at her feet.
And she will walk away, the villain triumphant.
You think you have the monopoly on loving pain? Boy you have never seen my true smile.
And child, it is a sight to behold.