[personal] checking in
Still in the Pacific NW and loving every minute of it.
How I survive without seeing Mt. Rainier every day I'll never understand. Currently 75% positive that a large contributor to my depression/anxiety when in CA is linked to how claustrophobic I get in big, open spaces. There's nothing in the sky! It's actually unnerving for me to have to deal with walking around outside. I can deal alright (especially now that I live/work in the downtown area), because I stop consciously noticing after a couple of weeks - but it's so different and when I'm here I just feel better. (I have such a problem with big spaces, I need to be nested in,) And even if my city is known for its trees - there is an intrinsic difference between a planted tree and a natural tree. It's this whole thing.
Every time I come here I realize that this is home - and then I have to leave and cope with the fact that I'm not living in my home-space. It just so happens that the area of CA that I'm living in now is like... the antithesis of what makes me feel comfortable and happy.
I hate my city.
In between
(a) cooking for and caring for my sister, her boy, and her roomie (YES I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY THERE ARE DELIGHTFUL BOYS HERE WHO WORSHIP MY SISTER AND LET ME BABY THEM AND COOK FOR THEM AND WHAT)
(b) forcing everyone to watch TLB (the rewatch is causing me to oscillate drastically between over-identifying with Lydia and CRYING OVER MY OVER-IDENTIFICATION WITH LYDIA)
(c) trying to cram as many people in as possible
(d) falling in love with my sister's adorkable nerd-rocker boyfriend (with boxes of warhammer gear, an obsession with Sims, and a deep appreciation for Iron Maiden) who wants to be a tattoo artist, has a delightful habit of taking sissy's full face in his hands every time he kisses her as if he can't believe she's real, puts up with my kdrama habits (and actually is enjoying City Hunter much to everyone's delight), and is an INFP - WHICH BASICALLY MEANS THAT I WANT TO SQUISH HIM HALF TO DEATH EVERY TIME HE BREATHES BECAUSE UGH.
(e) being SO HAPPY that my sister and soulmate FINALLY has a boy in her life that treats her like the goddess that she is
(f) dealing with family stuff ((seriously but my dad is the WORST and pretty much broke this poor boy's heart over something so just incredibly... how are people so self-involved and am I honestly the only person who knows that 21-year old boys need to be handled delicately?!))
(g) dealing with alt-family stuff (you know those bffs you had in HS and are like your sisters, but not and their drama is still your drama because they are family but there's nothing you can do about it but seethe around one and sympathize with the other and hope for the best? while also remembering a time before when everything was nice and you want to get sucked into that feeling again but you know it is all bullshit and all you can do is comfort yourself knowing that at least the two babies have each other if something happens to you because you took over being big sis in both your family and theirs YEARS ago and they know and love you? yeah that.)
(h) watching the first episode of Flower Boy Next Door and LOVED IT
(i) trying NOT to think about Thailand....
(j) wishing I could spend all my time watching SPN and damn the consequences/heartache
I'm missing ya'll. But in a - please omg don't talk to me because I want to know how you are but I can't handle a conversation right now and even tumblr is not at all happy but actually stressful because I am dealing with too much and have nothing to say and there is no way that that's ANOTHER message in my lj inbox that I'll never respond to type way that is somehow also combined with omg please talk to me because I love you all so much and hope that everything is well even if I know that I'll feel utterly lame when I can't respond I'm so sorry!
My life is confusing. You are all wonderful.
((hugs))
xoxo
How I survive without seeing Mt. Rainier every day I'll never understand. Currently 75% positive that a large contributor to my depression/anxiety when in CA is linked to how claustrophobic I get in big, open spaces. There's nothing in the sky! It's actually unnerving for me to have to deal with walking around outside. I can deal alright (especially now that I live/work in the downtown area), because I stop consciously noticing after a couple of weeks - but it's so different and when I'm here I just feel better. (I have such a problem with big spaces, I need to be nested in,) And even if my city is known for its trees - there is an intrinsic difference between a planted tree and a natural tree. It's this whole thing.
Every time I come here I realize that this is home - and then I have to leave and cope with the fact that I'm not living in my home-space. It just so happens that the area of CA that I'm living in now is like... the antithesis of what makes me feel comfortable and happy.
I hate my city.
In between
(a) cooking for and caring for my sister, her boy, and her roomie (YES I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY THERE ARE DELIGHTFUL BOYS HERE WHO WORSHIP MY SISTER AND LET ME BABY THEM AND COOK FOR THEM AND WHAT)
(b) forcing everyone to watch TLB (the rewatch is causing me to oscillate drastically between over-identifying with Lydia and CRYING OVER MY OVER-IDENTIFICATION WITH LYDIA)
(c) trying to cram as many people in as possible
(d) falling in love with my sister's adorkable nerd-rocker boyfriend (with boxes of warhammer gear, an obsession with Sims, and a deep appreciation for Iron Maiden) who wants to be a tattoo artist, has a delightful habit of taking sissy's full face in his hands every time he kisses her as if he can't believe she's real, puts up with my kdrama habits (and actually is enjoying City Hunter much to everyone's delight), and is an INFP - WHICH BASICALLY MEANS THAT I WANT TO SQUISH HIM HALF TO DEATH EVERY TIME HE BREATHES BECAUSE UGH.
(e) being SO HAPPY that my sister and soulmate FINALLY has a boy in her life that treats her like the goddess that she is
(f) dealing with family stuff ((seriously but my dad is the WORST and pretty much broke this poor boy's heart over something so just incredibly... how are people so self-involved and am I honestly the only person who knows that 21-year old boys need to be handled delicately?!))
(g) dealing with alt-family stuff (you know those bffs you had in HS and are like your sisters, but not and their drama is still your drama because they are family but there's nothing you can do about it but seethe around one and sympathize with the other and hope for the best? while also remembering a time before when everything was nice and you want to get sucked into that feeling again but you know it is all bullshit and all you can do is comfort yourself knowing that at least the two babies have each other if something happens to you because you took over being big sis in both your family and theirs YEARS ago and they know and love you? yeah that.)
(h) watching the first episode of Flower Boy Next Door and LOVED IT
(i) trying NOT to think about Thailand....
(j) wishing I could spend all my time watching SPN and damn the consequences/heartache
I'm missing ya'll. But in a - please omg don't talk to me because I want to know how you are but I can't handle a conversation right now and even tumblr is not at all happy but actually stressful because I am dealing with too much and have nothing to say and there is no way that that's ANOTHER message in my lj inbox that I'll never respond to type way that is somehow also combined with omg please talk to me because I love you all so much and hope that everything is well even if I know that I'll feel utterly lame when I can't respond I'm so sorry!
My life is confusing. You are all wonderful.
((hugs))
xoxo