(no subject)
i hate to say it but being here is always just a matter of time before i am annoyed into locking myself in my room and pretending to sleep
Its not even that bad relatively speaking i just have so little patience for all this predictable bullshit and i guess its good that i dont care more bc if someone i cared more about said things like this to me i might actually do something more about it
I guess in some way its super ironic that this is just about going through the motions and in theory thats all i want because anything less would make me feel guilty. but maybe it hurts bc some part of me wants more
lyin under blanket pretending not to exist and thinking about other people and places and times. how if you were here your hand would be on my tum and not care how large it was, your fingers would be in my hair and you'd like it, not beg me to change it, how your photos will never be published and you'd say they were beautiful even if i hated them, how you once said my family would always be there to support me because i told you we weren't close, how you later said the same of yourself
i know you say these things because you want to be good people and make other people happy etc but it works la i'm not hard to please in that sense
my brother says my holiday won't be long. i guess i will be home soon then.
do you ever feel like you are too full of love, so much that it physically aches and almost hurts… i don’t often physically feel emotions other than fear but this is different
on the plane here i started crying so hard looking at all the people that have made my last month, and i didn’t even know why
and i still feel kind of ready to cry at any moment, and it’s not sadness and it’s not exactly the feeling of missing them, although all i want is for them to be with me rn. i don’t know, i just shock myself with these reactions sometimes, and i keep looking at our pictures and smiling but also crying and it doesn’t feel very good but it’s coming from a good place, somehow
why!!! am i so emotional!!! i used to think if this is how i deal with friends i will probably die if i ever have a romantic relationship but i don’t know how i feel about that now
Its not even that bad relatively speaking i just have so little patience for all this predictable bullshit and i guess its good that i dont care more bc if someone i cared more about said things like this to me i might actually do something more about it
I guess in some way its super ironic that this is just about going through the motions and in theory thats all i want because anything less would make me feel guilty. but maybe it hurts bc some part of me wants more
lyin under blanket pretending not to exist and thinking about other people and places and times. how if you were here your hand would be on my tum and not care how large it was, your fingers would be in my hair and you'd like it, not beg me to change it, how your photos will never be published and you'd say they were beautiful even if i hated them, how you once said my family would always be there to support me because i told you we weren't close, how you later said the same of yourself
i know you say these things because you want to be good people and make other people happy etc but it works la i'm not hard to please in that sense
my brother says my holiday won't be long. i guess i will be home soon then.
do you ever feel like you are too full of love, so much that it physically aches and almost hurts… i don’t often physically feel emotions other than fear but this is different
on the plane here i started crying so hard looking at all the people that have made my last month, and i didn’t even know why
and i still feel kind of ready to cry at any moment, and it’s not sadness and it’s not exactly the feeling of missing them, although all i want is for them to be with me rn. i don’t know, i just shock myself with these reactions sometimes, and i keep looking at our pictures and smiling but also crying and it doesn’t feel very good but it’s coming from a good place, somehow
why!!! am i so emotional!!! i used to think if this is how i deal with friends i will probably die if i ever have a romantic relationship but i don’t know how i feel about that now