(no subject)
I promised myself that I wouldn't use this journal while I was in Vienna, but I just don't think my travel journal is the right place for this.
Yesterday by my time- today by the time at home- was/is my brother's 30th birthday. Alan and my dad have had a strained relationship for awhile, but it seemed like my being away was really helping them to get closer. And then, today happened.
I was talking to my dad a few days ago and he said that he had a date for Friday with Kathleen, his new girlfriend. I reminded him that Friday was March 27th, Alan's birthday. Dad sounded concerned, but then said that he'd hang out with Alan on Saturday. I was concerned, but thought he had to be joking.
He wasn't joking.
Alan stopped by the house Thursday night to ask Dad what they should do for his birthday, and Dad said he had a date with Kathleen, so hey, they could still hang out on Saturday... Alan responded that he was working on Saturday. And Sunday. Dad suggested Monday. Alan, understandably mad, said maybe. Then Dad added, "I might be out late tomorrow night, can you stop by and let the dogs out a couple times?"
That's when Alan proceeded to break his car's windshield.
I just can't believe my dad would be so incredibly SELFISH. Alan and I want him to date and we want him to be happy, we really do. But I just can't understand why Dad would essentially choose Kathleen over his son's birthday! And I'm sure if he had called Kathleen and told her that it was his son's birthday, and ask if they could reschedule, she would have said yes. It's like he didn't care enough to even try.
I'm just so scared my dad is going to start a new life and a new family with Kathleen and forget all about Alan and me. When my grandpa moved in with his girlfriend, he no longer wanted pictures of the grandkids or anything to remind him of his old life. The same thing just happened in Casey's family now that her grandpa got remarried. I love my dad so much and I don't want to lose him.
What hurts me the most is something that Alan said while we were on the phone. He said, "What really gets me is that you know Mom would be so angry and disappointed with him." And it's true. Mom wanted him to move on eventually, but she wanted him to move on from HER, not from Alan and me!
I am SO SICK of being the one who has to pick up the pieces of my family and put it back together. Alan and Dad just don't understand each other. Dad doesn't understand that Alan needs more affirmations than I do, and Alan doesn't understand that you have to flat-out TELL Dad what you want and need, and it ends up in situations like this. But now, I'm not there to put it all back together. If I'd been home, I would've figured out some way to make sure that my dad rescheduled with Kathleen. I can't help but feel like my incredibly selfish decision to go abroad has now put not only a financial strain on my family but also an emotional one.
I'm not even sure that "strain" is the right word for it. I think, this time, Alan might be irreversibly hurt.
I don't want to go home anymore! I don't want to have to go back to being the family band-aid. I just need Casey to move here and then I'd be set.
Yesterday by my time- today by the time at home- was/is my brother's 30th birthday. Alan and my dad have had a strained relationship for awhile, but it seemed like my being away was really helping them to get closer. And then, today happened.
I was talking to my dad a few days ago and he said that he had a date for Friday with Kathleen, his new girlfriend. I reminded him that Friday was March 27th, Alan's birthday. Dad sounded concerned, but then said that he'd hang out with Alan on Saturday. I was concerned, but thought he had to be joking.
He wasn't joking.
Alan stopped by the house Thursday night to ask Dad what they should do for his birthday, and Dad said he had a date with Kathleen, so hey, they could still hang out on Saturday... Alan responded that he was working on Saturday. And Sunday. Dad suggested Monday. Alan, understandably mad, said maybe. Then Dad added, "I might be out late tomorrow night, can you stop by and let the dogs out a couple times?"
That's when Alan proceeded to break his car's windshield.
I just can't believe my dad would be so incredibly SELFISH. Alan and I want him to date and we want him to be happy, we really do. But I just can't understand why Dad would essentially choose Kathleen over his son's birthday! And I'm sure if he had called Kathleen and told her that it was his son's birthday, and ask if they could reschedule, she would have said yes. It's like he didn't care enough to even try.
I'm just so scared my dad is going to start a new life and a new family with Kathleen and forget all about Alan and me. When my grandpa moved in with his girlfriend, he no longer wanted pictures of the grandkids or anything to remind him of his old life. The same thing just happened in Casey's family now that her grandpa got remarried. I love my dad so much and I don't want to lose him.
What hurts me the most is something that Alan said while we were on the phone. He said, "What really gets me is that you know Mom would be so angry and disappointed with him." And it's true. Mom wanted him to move on eventually, but she wanted him to move on from HER, not from Alan and me!
I am SO SICK of being the one who has to pick up the pieces of my family and put it back together. Alan and Dad just don't understand each other. Dad doesn't understand that Alan needs more affirmations than I do, and Alan doesn't understand that you have to flat-out TELL Dad what you want and need, and it ends up in situations like this. But now, I'm not there to put it all back together. If I'd been home, I would've figured out some way to make sure that my dad rescheduled with Kathleen. I can't help but feel like my incredibly selfish decision to go abroad has now put not only a financial strain on my family but also an emotional one.
I'm not even sure that "strain" is the right word for it. I think, this time, Alan might be irreversibly hurt.
I don't want to go home anymore! I don't want to have to go back to being the family band-aid. I just need Casey to move here and then I'd be set.