why does living have to hurt so much?
i occurs to me that i haven't really had a real post where i talked about what was going on in my life for a long time so maybe i should do that now. well as it is sunday night, my grandfather died yesterday morning, which if you are reading this you probably read the last post as well and already knew that. what i haven't said before is how my job is disapearing, as of the 21st the store that i am working in will be closed and i will have to find another job, i thought that i would have this job until i moved back north in june. so that was a blow as well. i am missing all of my friends like crazy, but plan on seeing those i can in feburary. i had such a great time when i was there last month, felt like all my problems had disapeared, not that they had but for a short time there i was truely happy, doesn't happen often. i was recently slammed in the live journal of someone who was almost my cloest friend last year. that hurts more than she will ever understand, but i get it, its her place to vent as this is mine, while part of me is grieving for my grandfather, the other part is relieved because i know he is in a better place and he is with his first wife and his suffering has ended, and then another part of me wonders why i am still grieving as i've been grieving for the past three+ months. i go back to work tomorrow, i was at work when i got the 911 page to come home and while i was on my way home Rudy passed, he passed 2 minutes before i walked in the door, i came as fast as i could and it still wasn't fast enough. i dont think i ever really appreciated him as much as i should have, but i could say that about a lot of people. i've been doind a really good job of holding myself together lately, i've almost become outwardly a very positive person.inwardly i'm somewhat of a wreck, but outwardly i'm just fine, which is incredibly difficut to express to others as in expressing it to them i seem just fine and holding myself together wonderfully, like i dont know why they are offering their sympathy as i have no use for it, i dont know whats wrong with me, becasue there is obviously something very wrong with me. on some level i've been avoiding talking to people on the phone, i mean they'll call and we'll talk but then i'll find some excuse to get myself off the phone, like i might actually break if i stay on the phone too long, laurel got the longest converstaion out of me, but thats becasue we hadn't talked in so long so there were a lot of other things to talk about, but thats a different story. and i can always find things to talk about with lisa, but again different story, mike actually called me today and i managed to not take the call, and i just realized that i never called him back either which is somewhat uncharacteristic of me, but oh well. what hurts is that on some level you expect certain people to be there for you when you are going through traumatic times, be it because you helped them through somewhat similar traumatic times or becasue you expect to still be friends with you, and then it hurts when they completely blow you off or dont notice your pain, and yes with all those you's i was talking about my self, but still thats not the point the point is i expected more from some people, and i know thats terrible to even expect anything from anyone on any level for support. you must only rely on yourself, becasue thats the only person you can ever really count on, so i was aiming for a public post, but i dont know if i am going to let this go public, maybe for now, but if it gets weird i'll friends only it. but i feel like i've gotten a lot out here, which is really helpful. but now i think i'm going to cover the beads i was making and get to bed as i've got an early start tomorrow, though i'm sure i'm forgetting to write something, or some things. eh, i'll get them out eventually...