jeezus
2:13am.
at work and completely over it.
cristy and paul's wedding is on saturday but for whatever reason i still can't wrap my head around the thought that another one of my childhood friends is getting married. i think it's cuz a large part of me wants to rebel against all these adult responsibilities that i've been drowning in.
case in point work: i never thought i'd be working a job that i don't have a passion for. i feel like i'm comprimising my values since i know that i'd rather be on the battle field working with young people. unfortunately i've had to accept the reality that i won't be able to dip back into the not-for-profit world because of financial insecurities...unless of course i become an ED, but i know for a fact i'm not anywhere near ready to become an ED. what i do know is that i need to go back into school and get my social work degree...hopefully i'll be ready soon.
this past weekend i went to carson for haku and the other pup's birthday. it was a trip for me. i got into a fight with my mom. i haven't fought with her in years and when i realized that i had just raised my voice at my mom i started crying. she, of course, comforted me and i appologized prefusely. -did i use prefusely in the right context?- anyway, i hate it when i get mad at people...or rather i hate it when i disappoint people and show it by getting upset that i didn't meet their pre-set expectations. for example, my mom expected me to wake up early and help prepare for the bbq at my house. mind you, the day before i drove for 7 hours (stupid traffic) and didn't get to sleep til 5am (stupid night shift schedule). my mom was mad that I wasn't up by 10am helping cook and clean. she said i was being lazy and expected her to do anything. excuse me mom, i dont expect you to do anything. i expected my brother, who planned the whole shin dig, to do everything. i just wanted to sleep. anywho one nag led to another and i snapped. then bawled like a baby and everything was okay.
the rest of the party was pretty fun. i saw an old friend of mine, and got to kick it with some of the girls. i got to hang out with my cousins and play with dogs, and i got to be the grill master, which was slightly annoying but kinda cool at the same time. i like being the queen of the grill. providing nourishment is awesome.
anywho my dad was gonna leave for vegas today and in a role reversal, i ended up giving him money to gamble. i just emptied out my wallet and said have fun. when i walked away i realized that i'm financially secure. it's been strange for me...having money to give back to my parents. like when i first moved to SF, me and my mom opened a shared account together so she can transfer money to me easily. for 6 years or so she helped pay my rent (cuz i would have starved otherwise | why i cant rely on a non-profit salary). now, that im secure, i'm able to put money in the account and help pay my momma's bills. it feels damn good, but at the same time reinforced the reality that i'm an adult.
i'm about to turn 25 this year.
and i think i'm going through what some dub the quarter life crisis (which is wierd since the average life span of woman in america is what, 80 so a quarter of that would be 20, but i digress). when I was 18 i set a couple of goals for myself by the time i turned 25.
1. Stop smoking so much weed.
2. Have a bachelors degree and hopefully have a masters degree
3. Become self sufficient
4. Travel across the country
5. Become serious about my photography.
I'm happy to say that I've stopped smoking hella weed. granted i'm starting to smoke again to help sleep, but it's not nearly as much as i used too. it's funny cuz folks that know me post-stoner days would never have guessed how many brain cells i've killed. So yay for accomplishing that goal! I've also become self sufficient. I don't have a degree and am no where near a master's degree. I haven't traveled across country but chicago was a start. and i haven't picked up a camera to shoot in years. that's okay though because i'm going to start getting serious about film making.
what? judith becoming a film maker? haha i can't believe it myself but i have a couple of thoughts running through my head.
- short film involving the coming out proccess of a mother who has to cope with her daughter being gay.
- a feature length romantic comedy dealing with two best friends chasing after the same girl.
- a documentary on CHALK and the work we do.
these of course are all just thoughts in my head, but i'm curious to see where they'll all go. i think i'll start utilizing this blog more and start writting the dialouges that take place in my head.
woah...talk about stream of conciousness. i just scrolled up and realized that i wrote hella. haha. it's okay, i dont think anyone is gonna read this. yay for semi-private, but public blogs.
so before i get back to work, i'm going to write down my new list of goals by the time i turn 30.
1) have a bachelor's degree.
2) still be self sufficient
3) travel the world: specifically mexico, egypt, africa, and europe
4) get accepted into a film festival
5) have my tweeker body back, minus the tweek.
at work and completely over it.
cristy and paul's wedding is on saturday but for whatever reason i still can't wrap my head around the thought that another one of my childhood friends is getting married. i think it's cuz a large part of me wants to rebel against all these adult responsibilities that i've been drowning in.
case in point work: i never thought i'd be working a job that i don't have a passion for. i feel like i'm comprimising my values since i know that i'd rather be on the battle field working with young people. unfortunately i've had to accept the reality that i won't be able to dip back into the not-for-profit world because of financial insecurities...unless of course i become an ED, but i know for a fact i'm not anywhere near ready to become an ED. what i do know is that i need to go back into school and get my social work degree...hopefully i'll be ready soon.
this past weekend i went to carson for haku and the other pup's birthday. it was a trip for me. i got into a fight with my mom. i haven't fought with her in years and when i realized that i had just raised my voice at my mom i started crying. she, of course, comforted me and i appologized prefusely. -did i use prefusely in the right context?- anyway, i hate it when i get mad at people...or rather i hate it when i disappoint people and show it by getting upset that i didn't meet their pre-set expectations. for example, my mom expected me to wake up early and help prepare for the bbq at my house. mind you, the day before i drove for 7 hours (stupid traffic) and didn't get to sleep til 5am (stupid night shift schedule). my mom was mad that I wasn't up by 10am helping cook and clean. she said i was being lazy and expected her to do anything. excuse me mom, i dont expect you to do anything. i expected my brother, who planned the whole shin dig, to do everything. i just wanted to sleep. anywho one nag led to another and i snapped. then bawled like a baby and everything was okay.
the rest of the party was pretty fun. i saw an old friend of mine, and got to kick it with some of the girls. i got to hang out with my cousins and play with dogs, and i got to be the grill master, which was slightly annoying but kinda cool at the same time. i like being the queen of the grill. providing nourishment is awesome.
anywho my dad was gonna leave for vegas today and in a role reversal, i ended up giving him money to gamble. i just emptied out my wallet and said have fun. when i walked away i realized that i'm financially secure. it's been strange for me...having money to give back to my parents. like when i first moved to SF, me and my mom opened a shared account together so she can transfer money to me easily. for 6 years or so she helped pay my rent (cuz i would have starved otherwise | why i cant rely on a non-profit salary). now, that im secure, i'm able to put money in the account and help pay my momma's bills. it feels damn good, but at the same time reinforced the reality that i'm an adult.
i'm about to turn 25 this year.
and i think i'm going through what some dub the quarter life crisis (which is wierd since the average life span of woman in america is what, 80 so a quarter of that would be 20, but i digress). when I was 18 i set a couple of goals for myself by the time i turned 25.
1. Stop smoking so much weed.
2. Have a bachelors degree and hopefully have a masters degree
3. Become self sufficient
4. Travel across the country
5. Become serious about my photography.
I'm happy to say that I've stopped smoking hella weed. granted i'm starting to smoke again to help sleep, but it's not nearly as much as i used too. it's funny cuz folks that know me post-stoner days would never have guessed how many brain cells i've killed. So yay for accomplishing that goal! I've also become self sufficient. I don't have a degree and am no where near a master's degree. I haven't traveled across country but chicago was a start. and i haven't picked up a camera to shoot in years. that's okay though because i'm going to start getting serious about film making.
what? judith becoming a film maker? haha i can't believe it myself but i have a couple of thoughts running through my head.
- short film involving the coming out proccess of a mother who has to cope with her daughter being gay.
- a feature length romantic comedy dealing with two best friends chasing after the same girl.
- a documentary on CHALK and the work we do.
these of course are all just thoughts in my head, but i'm curious to see where they'll all go. i think i'll start utilizing this blog more and start writting the dialouges that take place in my head.
woah...talk about stream of conciousness. i just scrolled up and realized that i wrote hella. haha. it's okay, i dont think anyone is gonna read this. yay for semi-private, but public blogs.
so before i get back to work, i'm going to write down my new list of goals by the time i turn 30.
1) have a bachelor's degree.
2) still be self sufficient
3) travel the world: specifically mexico, egypt, africa, and europe
4) get accepted into a film festival
5) have my tweeker body back, minus the tweek.