Final Parody 7 (crossposted to my own journal)
Hey,
Due to overwhelming demand (one person...okay, it was me), I'm posting another story. This is what I do with my lunchtime, so don't expect Pulitzer material. I freely admit that this is the stupidest, silliest thing I have ever written. But you know what? I laughed while I wrote it despite all that. So, here it is. Final Parody 7.
Cumulus Conflict ran across the plain. The town was just a few more steps. Finally, he and his friends could stay at an inn, buy items and weapons, and experience some relevant life events before moving to the next town. Or, perhaps a dungeon of some kind. He wasn’t sure.
Suddenly, he froze in mid-run, and his surroundings blurred and swirled together. Intense music began to play.
“Monsters!” Cumulus said. “Shit, I was just two steps from town, too!”
Cumulus’s body was an extradimensional portal, because all of his friends leaped from him and spread out in an orderly formation. Bearnut Willis, the big man with a gun for an arm, common sense be damned, stood to Cumulus’s left. Tofu Lockjaw, Cumulus’s on-again-off-again girltoy, stood to his right, but exactly one step back so their otherwise straight line was crooked. That way, any damage incurred from monsters was instantly cut in half. An unbeatable defense.
Meanwhile, Aerhead Brainsnomore, Cumulus’s woman on the side, and Purple 69, that sassy kitty, sat off to the side and watched. After all, only three people could be in the midst of battle at a time.
The monster finally materialized. Oh no! The dreaded Cactrot, king of beasts! A face of perpetual shock glared at Cumulus and the others. Cactrot’s arms and legs, deadly green pipes ready to bop them good, herked and jerked in a pantomime of running. But this beast would not flee. No, the anthropomorphic cactus was too ferocious to let them live.
Bearnut pointed his arm at Cactrot and blew through his flapping lips to simulate a machine gun. Then, remembering that he had a gun on his other arm, reversed his stance and fired upon Cactrot. The cunning beast just stood there, letting every bullet miss.
“Bearnut, you lugnut,” Tofu said. “Cactrot is too damn awesome to be hit by regular attacks.”
Bearnut flailed his arms and stomped one foot. “RRRRRRRRGGGGHH!” he growled. “Damn!”
Now Cactrot was mad. He lowered his pointy head in Bearnut’s direction and unleashed a hail of needles. Bearnut felt the sting of one thousand bitchshaps and went down like a sack of doorknobs.
“Oops,” Cumulus said, “Bearnut died. We have any Felix Dungs?”
Tofu reached into her pack, withdrew a bag with a cartoon cat upon it, and hurled it at Bearnut’s corpse. Bearnut leaped to his feet instantly.
“Good,” Cumulus told Bearnut, “now you get experience even though you pussed out. Now stand back and let me handle this.” He drew his gigantic sword from behind his back and charged at Cactrot. Cactrot stared in shock, either false or genuine. Cumulus raised the sword above his head, shouting, “There’s no possible way my little twig arms could lift this obviously-compensating-for-something sword!”
Cactrot’s head exploded upon pondering those words.
“Oooooooooh, yeeeah! Victory dance, bitches!” Cumulus spun his Freudian sword, and the others cheered in their own ways.
After taking the money that had spilled from Cactrot’s carcass like a piñata, the party made the two steps toward the town. The town, which had been ludicrously small to begin with, decided to accept more reasonable proportions, growing and allowing Cumulus and friends to enter.
* * *
After talking to every single person in town at least twice, none of who minded if Cumulus barged into his or her house or opened the treasure chests therein, and after visiting a few more dungeons, cities, and such, during which Aerhead became a classic “damsel in distress”, Cumulus and his remaining Superfriends found themselves in the slum city that had belonged to the Really Old People.
At last, they had found Aerhead, the last Really Old Person (though Cumulus thought she was pretty hot no matter how old she supposedly was).
“About time!” Cumulus said. “I thought we’d have to go through this whole adventure without you.”
Aerhead didn’t say anything. She just smiled. She was the quiet, stupid type-the type of person who would just kneel there and smile as death descended from above. Of course, Cumulus was the type of person who would just stand there, a few feet away from the imperiled quiet, stupid girl, and let the death-from-above continue on its merry way.
To prove the point, Leperroth dropped down from above and laid the deadly smackdown upon Aerhead.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Aerhead! One of the two women I love!” Cumulus totally spazzed, but still didn’t accomplish much.
“Damn, I’m evil,” Leperroth said. He combed his hair, though never had a strand move out of place.
“She’s dead! Dead, I say! For some reason, Felix Dungs and Bring-My-Dead-Ass-Back-To-Life-After-Combat spells are WORTHLESS now!”
“Pretty much, yeah,” Leperroth said. He looked at himself in the mirror. “Because I’m so bad-ass, you know? And evil, too.”
“Why?” Cumulus cried. “Why kill her? She was just kneeling there!”
“Well, I find that it’s easier to hit a stationary target. When they move, it gets a little harder. Plus, I burned your village, so why not kill your spank-dream-come-true?”
Cumulus cuddled with Aerhead’s quite-dead body. “This is totally weak.”
“Sucks to be you. Hey, by the way, you’re, like, a clone of me. Did you know that?”
“What?” Cumulus dropped Aerhead, who hit the ground with a thud. “Screw that! I’m just a liar who claimed that I was somebody who wasn’t quite as lame as me.”
Leperroth stopped in mid-preen. “You sure? Weren’t you one of Mojo’s test-tube babies?”
“No, dumbass! I was just a little Shinra bitch. One of those Stormtrooper wannabes. I lied, or maybe I forgot who I was. I don’t remember.”
“What? Bullshit. Mojo spliced you with a monkey, I think.”
“Did not!”
“Did so!”
“Well, at least my mom wasn’t a space squid.”
“What?? What did you say??”
“You heard me, Octopus Boy.”
“You know what?” Leperroth made a rather complicated hand gesture that dripped with flamboyance. “Screw you guys, I’m going home. In fact, just to piss you off, I’m gonna hurl a big frickin’ rock at the Earth. That will show your monkey-spliced ass!”
“Pssh. Yeah. Like that’s gonna happen.”
END
P.S. I like FF7. This is just for fun. Hopefully, I offend nobody.
Due to overwhelming demand (one person...okay, it was me), I'm posting another story. This is what I do with my lunchtime, so don't expect Pulitzer material. I freely admit that this is the stupidest, silliest thing I have ever written. But you know what? I laughed while I wrote it despite all that. So, here it is. Final Parody 7.
Cumulus Conflict ran across the plain. The town was just a few more steps. Finally, he and his friends could stay at an inn, buy items and weapons, and experience some relevant life events before moving to the next town. Or, perhaps a dungeon of some kind. He wasn’t sure.
Suddenly, he froze in mid-run, and his surroundings blurred and swirled together. Intense music began to play.
“Monsters!” Cumulus said. “Shit, I was just two steps from town, too!”
Cumulus’s body was an extradimensional portal, because all of his friends leaped from him and spread out in an orderly formation. Bearnut Willis, the big man with a gun for an arm, common sense be damned, stood to Cumulus’s left. Tofu Lockjaw, Cumulus’s on-again-off-again girltoy, stood to his right, but exactly one step back so their otherwise straight line was crooked. That way, any damage incurred from monsters was instantly cut in half. An unbeatable defense.
Meanwhile, Aerhead Brainsnomore, Cumulus’s woman on the side, and Purple 69, that sassy kitty, sat off to the side and watched. After all, only three people could be in the midst of battle at a time.
The monster finally materialized. Oh no! The dreaded Cactrot, king of beasts! A face of perpetual shock glared at Cumulus and the others. Cactrot’s arms and legs, deadly green pipes ready to bop them good, herked and jerked in a pantomime of running. But this beast would not flee. No, the anthropomorphic cactus was too ferocious to let them live.
Bearnut pointed his arm at Cactrot and blew through his flapping lips to simulate a machine gun. Then, remembering that he had a gun on his other arm, reversed his stance and fired upon Cactrot. The cunning beast just stood there, letting every bullet miss.
“Bearnut, you lugnut,” Tofu said. “Cactrot is too damn awesome to be hit by regular attacks.”
Bearnut flailed his arms and stomped one foot. “RRRRRRRRGGGGHH!” he growled. “Damn!”
Now Cactrot was mad. He lowered his pointy head in Bearnut’s direction and unleashed a hail of needles. Bearnut felt the sting of one thousand bitchshaps and went down like a sack of doorknobs.
“Oops,” Cumulus said, “Bearnut died. We have any Felix Dungs?”
Tofu reached into her pack, withdrew a bag with a cartoon cat upon it, and hurled it at Bearnut’s corpse. Bearnut leaped to his feet instantly.
“Good,” Cumulus told Bearnut, “now you get experience even though you pussed out. Now stand back and let me handle this.” He drew his gigantic sword from behind his back and charged at Cactrot. Cactrot stared in shock, either false or genuine. Cumulus raised the sword above his head, shouting, “There’s no possible way my little twig arms could lift this obviously-compensating-for-something sword!”
Cactrot’s head exploded upon pondering those words.
“Oooooooooh, yeeeah! Victory dance, bitches!” Cumulus spun his Freudian sword, and the others cheered in their own ways.
After taking the money that had spilled from Cactrot’s carcass like a piñata, the party made the two steps toward the town. The town, which had been ludicrously small to begin with, decided to accept more reasonable proportions, growing and allowing Cumulus and friends to enter.
* * *
After talking to every single person in town at least twice, none of who minded if Cumulus barged into his or her house or opened the treasure chests therein, and after visiting a few more dungeons, cities, and such, during which Aerhead became a classic “damsel in distress”, Cumulus and his remaining Superfriends found themselves in the slum city that had belonged to the Really Old People.
At last, they had found Aerhead, the last Really Old Person (though Cumulus thought she was pretty hot no matter how old she supposedly was).
“About time!” Cumulus said. “I thought we’d have to go through this whole adventure without you.”
Aerhead didn’t say anything. She just smiled. She was the quiet, stupid type-the type of person who would just kneel there and smile as death descended from above. Of course, Cumulus was the type of person who would just stand there, a few feet away from the imperiled quiet, stupid girl, and let the death-from-above continue on its merry way.
To prove the point, Leperroth dropped down from above and laid the deadly smackdown upon Aerhead.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Aerhead! One of the two women I love!” Cumulus totally spazzed, but still didn’t accomplish much.
“Damn, I’m evil,” Leperroth said. He combed his hair, though never had a strand move out of place.
“She’s dead! Dead, I say! For some reason, Felix Dungs and Bring-My-Dead-Ass-Back-To-Life-After-Combat spells are WORTHLESS now!”
“Pretty much, yeah,” Leperroth said. He looked at himself in the mirror. “Because I’m so bad-ass, you know? And evil, too.”
“Why?” Cumulus cried. “Why kill her? She was just kneeling there!”
“Well, I find that it’s easier to hit a stationary target. When they move, it gets a little harder. Plus, I burned your village, so why not kill your spank-dream-come-true?”
Cumulus cuddled with Aerhead’s quite-dead body. “This is totally weak.”
“Sucks to be you. Hey, by the way, you’re, like, a clone of me. Did you know that?”
“What?” Cumulus dropped Aerhead, who hit the ground with a thud. “Screw that! I’m just a liar who claimed that I was somebody who wasn’t quite as lame as me.”
Leperroth stopped in mid-preen. “You sure? Weren’t you one of Mojo’s test-tube babies?”
“No, dumbass! I was just a little Shinra bitch. One of those Stormtrooper wannabes. I lied, or maybe I forgot who I was. I don’t remember.”
“What? Bullshit. Mojo spliced you with a monkey, I think.”
“Did not!”
“Did so!”
“Well, at least my mom wasn’t a space squid.”
“What?? What did you say??”
“You heard me, Octopus Boy.”
“You know what?” Leperroth made a rather complicated hand gesture that dripped with flamboyance. “Screw you guys, I’m going home. In fact, just to piss you off, I’m gonna hurl a big frickin’ rock at the Earth. That will show your monkey-spliced ass!”
“Pssh. Yeah. Like that’s gonna happen.”
END
P.S. I like FF7. This is just for fun. Hopefully, I offend nobody.