K.O.
This'll be easier if I just copy what I've written in my personal journal:
6/17/2005 - 1:29 PM
Here I am back on a train to Saalfelden. I have the whole weekend free so now I can only fail by an incredible stroke of misfortune, which I have not ruled out at all. I had a dream that she (Rici) was ecstatic to see me and we spent the entire day together. Let's see how much of that dream comes true. New people, new class, and Batman, but I can't think of much else right now.
6/17/2005 - 6:39 PM
This time, nobody was home.
6/17/2005 - 8:27 PM
I'm going to try Rici's house one more time before it gets completely dark and then it's a night in the woods for me. There's a festival here tomorrow, so it will be fun to see that if nothing else substantial occurs during this trip. It will take a serious amount of endurance for me to stay Sunday because that would mean another night in the woods and very little food. We'll see.
6/17/2005 - 9:39 PM
I met Rici's mom. She was very sweet and let me have pieces of this cake she just bought and showed me the garden. She told me that Rici is in Salzburg (the city), so apparenlty she goes there every weekend, some sort of school government thing. I'm trying again tomorrow evening.
6/18/2005 - 9:43 AM
I'm in Lenzing waiting for the hostel to open after a God Awful Night. The night in the woods didn't pan out as I was plagued by mosquitos. I attempted shirt ninja to cover my face but alas, I have forgotten how. So I left the foot of the mountain after a couple of hours and went back across town to the train station. I found a little booth and nestled into the bench just as the temperature decided to plunge to inhumane levels. I went in and out of sleep for about 3 hours, being awoken by screaming freighters every half hour or so. At around 5:30 I decided to find another spot, unable to withstand the cold any longer. I went into the station itself, where there were benches and made for round 3 when the flies arrived. Like 10 of them. All interested in me for whatever reason. I didn't think I smelled but I changed clothes regardless and to no avail. I finally gave up at around 8 and have been wandering around since. I went to Information in search of a youth hostel and the girl told me the only one nearby was in Lenzing, 2 kilometers out of town. It also doesn't open until 11 apparently. Fan-the fuck-tastic. Oh yeah, and it's been raining since 10 last night.
6/19/2005 - 10:11 AM
This trip has aged me a good 15 years. I went to Rici's house yesterday in the highest hopes that she was attending the Bergfeuer Festival (where fires are lit all over the mountains) and of course, she wasn't there. Her mom informed me that she had just left with her boyfriend to make one of the fires. As much as I prepared myself mentally for that kind of information, it did very little for how I felt about it. I went to the festival where I got to experience the splendors of Alpine entertainment, namely food, beer, more food, even more beer, folk music, and beer. I sat there, alone, wondering if by chance she would show up. I took a walk around the lake as the old people sat quietly and the kids drank themselves retarded. I took a seat by the path as it started to get dark. Miraculously, the clouds which were thick all weekend had begun to clear, as if just for the festival. I watched the top of the highest mountain to see the last of the clouds float by so I could see the summit but the cloud wouldn't move. I waited for a half an hour for that God forsaken cloud to move, but it din't. And that's when I threw in the towel. I gave up. I'm done. No more chasing, no more searching. I came for an answer and an answer is what I got: stop waiting. Everything about this weekend told me this. Everything about this past year has told me this. Fuck, Rici herself told me this 2 Mays ago. Would I listen? I am now. I'm heading back to Vienna today. No mid-day visit to a vacant house on Kapstraße, no more being told to move on, whether by shit luck or divine intervention. A long story I've spun, a long story that leads to nowhere. No fanfare, no crescendo, like a firework that spins and screams on the way up but never bursts, just fizzles out of existence. The ground has been pulled out in front of me. I awoke in a blank room with blank feelings. I don't really know what I'm doing right now. It will probably take me a little while to figure it out. I said goodbye to each one of those tiny fires on the tops of all those mountains. I hope she was there at one of them. I wish her the absolute best and I know she will lead a great life, but that's faith talking, not hope that she'll tell me about it herself one day. I probably will never see her again, and that thought hurts. Even after a year, it still hurts. I'll never be in Saalfelden again. I'm leaving in just a few hours, forever. This is where I'll end this journal. I'll get another one to continue accounts of my future, more secular travels, but in this one I will write no more. It, just like the story it contains, has run its course.
6/17/2005 - 1:29 PM
Here I am back on a train to Saalfelden. I have the whole weekend free so now I can only fail by an incredible stroke of misfortune, which I have not ruled out at all. I had a dream that she (Rici) was ecstatic to see me and we spent the entire day together. Let's see how much of that dream comes true. New people, new class, and Batman, but I can't think of much else right now.
6/17/2005 - 6:39 PM
This time, nobody was home.
6/17/2005 - 8:27 PM
I'm going to try Rici's house one more time before it gets completely dark and then it's a night in the woods for me. There's a festival here tomorrow, so it will be fun to see that if nothing else substantial occurs during this trip. It will take a serious amount of endurance for me to stay Sunday because that would mean another night in the woods and very little food. We'll see.
6/17/2005 - 9:39 PM
I met Rici's mom. She was very sweet and let me have pieces of this cake she just bought and showed me the garden. She told me that Rici is in Salzburg (the city), so apparenlty she goes there every weekend, some sort of school government thing. I'm trying again tomorrow evening.
6/18/2005 - 9:43 AM
I'm in Lenzing waiting for the hostel to open after a God Awful Night. The night in the woods didn't pan out as I was plagued by mosquitos. I attempted shirt ninja to cover my face but alas, I have forgotten how. So I left the foot of the mountain after a couple of hours and went back across town to the train station. I found a little booth and nestled into the bench just as the temperature decided to plunge to inhumane levels. I went in and out of sleep for about 3 hours, being awoken by screaming freighters every half hour or so. At around 5:30 I decided to find another spot, unable to withstand the cold any longer. I went into the station itself, where there were benches and made for round 3 when the flies arrived. Like 10 of them. All interested in me for whatever reason. I didn't think I smelled but I changed clothes regardless and to no avail. I finally gave up at around 8 and have been wandering around since. I went to Information in search of a youth hostel and the girl told me the only one nearby was in Lenzing, 2 kilometers out of town. It also doesn't open until 11 apparently. Fan-the fuck-tastic. Oh yeah, and it's been raining since 10 last night.
6/19/2005 - 10:11 AM
This trip has aged me a good 15 years. I went to Rici's house yesterday in the highest hopes that she was attending the Bergfeuer Festival (where fires are lit all over the mountains) and of course, she wasn't there. Her mom informed me that she had just left with her boyfriend to make one of the fires. As much as I prepared myself mentally for that kind of information, it did very little for how I felt about it. I went to the festival where I got to experience the splendors of Alpine entertainment, namely food, beer, more food, even more beer, folk music, and beer. I sat there, alone, wondering if by chance she would show up. I took a walk around the lake as the old people sat quietly and the kids drank themselves retarded. I took a seat by the path as it started to get dark. Miraculously, the clouds which were thick all weekend had begun to clear, as if just for the festival. I watched the top of the highest mountain to see the last of the clouds float by so I could see the summit but the cloud wouldn't move. I waited for a half an hour for that God forsaken cloud to move, but it din't. And that's when I threw in the towel. I gave up. I'm done. No more chasing, no more searching. I came for an answer and an answer is what I got: stop waiting. Everything about this weekend told me this. Everything about this past year has told me this. Fuck, Rici herself told me this 2 Mays ago. Would I listen? I am now. I'm heading back to Vienna today. No mid-day visit to a vacant house on Kapstraße, no more being told to move on, whether by shit luck or divine intervention. A long story I've spun, a long story that leads to nowhere. No fanfare, no crescendo, like a firework that spins and screams on the way up but never bursts, just fizzles out of existence. The ground has been pulled out in front of me. I awoke in a blank room with blank feelings. I don't really know what I'm doing right now. It will probably take me a little while to figure it out. I said goodbye to each one of those tiny fires on the tops of all those mountains. I hope she was there at one of them. I wish her the absolute best and I know she will lead a great life, but that's faith talking, not hope that she'll tell me about it herself one day. I probably will never see her again, and that thought hurts. Even after a year, it still hurts. I'll never be in Saalfelden again. I'm leaving in just a few hours, forever. This is where I'll end this journal. I'll get another one to continue accounts of my future, more secular travels, but in this one I will write no more. It, just like the story it contains, has run its course.