things are so fucking ridiculous.
i basically feel like shit right now. i don't know what is worse:
the fact that i got everything off my mind or that everything is back where it started.
*How is it that I am supposed to get along?? Things were not good. They just weren't.
Since Nic and I haven't been together, I've done things that I haven't done in a long time.
I've done things that I wouldn't have done if I was with him. And I don't mean dumb gross things.
I mean things that I knew wouldn't start an argument. And that's a sign that things are the way the should be.
It hasn't been long enough. Because things just don't feel right. This seems extreme. I'm not being extreme.
I'm not sayng that we can't get along without each other. We can. It's just not easy. It sucks.
It sucks that even if we just hang out once a week for an hour or less, I feel weird. I feel like I'm pretending.
Like I'm pretending to be mad at him. I feel like I'm holding back or I'm just holding a grudge to see how long it will last.
I just don't know what this means. i just know I hate this feeling.
I keep asking myself why the only time we treat other like human being is when we aren't together?
We are more considerate and try to be understanding. Not just about each other.
But about everything. It's so dumb. I guess that means that we are better as friends.
I know that's what it means. But it's like.....we aren't done or something.
There are so many things that we had planned. And it sucks that we won't do them.
And we can't still do them just as friends. But I feel like I can't do them ever.
Just random things...and outings. I'm really ashamed to say any of this. I feel so awful about it.
Because I think we both can't see ourselves together for any real reason.
But what's a real reason?? Is the fact that I haven't ever been happier than when i'm with him a good enough reason?
Most people would say that it is. Especially when the feeling is mutual.
That doesn't cover everything though.
I can think of something that I know is a good reason NOT to be together.
It's the fact that with one word either of us can make each other feel like shit.
Maybe it's not the fact that we have that ability because I consider that vulnerability to mean something,
but it's the fact that we have the balls to take advantage of that ability. We shouldn't. And it's awful.
How many times can I say awful in one entry????
I can say it a thousand times. yet it wont make a fucking bit of difference.
the fact that i got everything off my mind or that everything is back where it started.
*How is it that I am supposed to get along?? Things were not good. They just weren't.
Since Nic and I haven't been together, I've done things that I haven't done in a long time.
I've done things that I wouldn't have done if I was with him. And I don't mean dumb gross things.
I mean things that I knew wouldn't start an argument. And that's a sign that things are the way the should be.
It hasn't been long enough. Because things just don't feel right. This seems extreme. I'm not being extreme.
I'm not sayng that we can't get along without each other. We can. It's just not easy. It sucks.
It sucks that even if we just hang out once a week for an hour or less, I feel weird. I feel like I'm pretending.
Like I'm pretending to be mad at him. I feel like I'm holding back or I'm just holding a grudge to see how long it will last.
I just don't know what this means. i just know I hate this feeling.
I keep asking myself why the only time we treat other like human being is when we aren't together?
We are more considerate and try to be understanding. Not just about each other.
But about everything. It's so dumb. I guess that means that we are better as friends.
I know that's what it means. But it's like.....we aren't done or something.
There are so many things that we had planned. And it sucks that we won't do them.
And we can't still do them just as friends. But I feel like I can't do them ever.
Just random things...and outings. I'm really ashamed to say any of this. I feel so awful about it.
Because I think we both can't see ourselves together for any real reason.
But what's a real reason?? Is the fact that I haven't ever been happier than when i'm with him a good enough reason?
Most people would say that it is. Especially when the feeling is mutual.
That doesn't cover everything though.
I can think of something that I know is a good reason NOT to be together.
It's the fact that with one word either of us can make each other feel like shit.
Maybe it's not the fact that we have that ability because I consider that vulnerability to mean something,
but it's the fact that we have the balls to take advantage of that ability. We shouldn't. And it's awful.
How many times can I say awful in one entry????
I can say it a thousand times. yet it wont make a fucking bit of difference.