1st: Realization
It has been a month since my little brother and I moved abroad where our parents live. And here I am, slacking. I'd probably just spend my time reading comic books until summer semester, but there are still several months ahead; so last week, I thought about working. I cracked my brain and started imagining all possibilities on every kind of job. A whole day of thinking wasn't enough though. It took me several days... probably a week; until it came to me that it's useless; I realized I’m useless... and I finally gave up.
I looked back at my past and saw how unfortunate it was that I can’t find the right thing for me to do. Back then, I never cared about other people, and anything else doesn't interest me at all. I'm a socially unhealthy kid with a blur future. There are so many things that I hate, and I avoid them as much as I can. One of it is school, where you practice corruption and hierarchy, and which I cursed ever since I remembered living. There were a lot of people my age in school, and I had a really hard time them. There was a time I started to compare myself to others, and it was just too different, like I can't fit anywhere near them. How do they talk so lively? I can't figure out how and it made me a bit jealous, I wanted to become like them, but as I grow up, I stopped dreaming and realized how I really am.
Practically majority of troubles came from school; home works, group works, clubs, and events; it made my life so hard like hell. It was a miracle I even graduated high school; I literally avoided attending any classes and managed to live out with maxed number of absences. I ditched school because I hate it, then I slack off and scratch my back the whole day.
Worrying is another thing that I hate. It puts me off balance, hurts my head, and it brings nothing but stress. That’s why, I always wonder why others worries too much while you can just calm yourself and deal with your problem in a cool way or just forget about it ever happened. I do it all the time... Why can't others think of it? How can they just take all the worries from having a lot of companions? from doing a lot of work? from studying until they get so old?
I never got the answers on anything nor found out if my past was weirder then other kids, but I came to realize something that made me grow as a person that won't get anywhere far: People are made different, and I will always feel best when I’m being real. Trying to be someone else will just hurt me deep inside; and so, all those questions faded, like they were never even there… And that is when I didn’t care about anything, nothing at all.
All those thinking made my head hurt so much as I saw how a crap of a person I had become. All I wanted was to find the right job for me and suddenly, I remembered the words reflection and realization, which I had abandoned a long time ago…