Priceless
Summary: While out Christmas shopping for House's "Secret Santa" gift, Kutner unexpectedly runs into someone from his past.
Rating: PG
Warning: Unapologetically fluffy with a little side-serving of angst.
Disclaimer: Do I sound like David Shore? I hope not, because if I do, it might mean that I have a brain problem.
A/N: Unbeta'd due to time constraints...all mistakes are mine. This was written for kutner_love's Kutner-Fest, Prompt#20: Kutner shopping for House's "Secret Santa" gift.
Lawrence Kutner had no idea that trying to buy the right Christmas present for House was, when it came down to it, an almost impossible task. (What, Kutner realized he must ask himself, do you buy an almost-over-the-hill mad genius doctor?)
He wanted to find something that would be unique to equally match House’s unique and quirkily eccentric personality; but there was far too much about House that he didn’t know, and what he did know didn’t make the job any easier.
For instance, there was House’s insatiable curiosity and endless obsession with puzzles, as well as his unflappable, childlike fixation with video games. He spoke several different languages---including Mandarin and Swahili---and this meant that Kutner could buy him any book that he wanted in these languages, and that House would probably be able to fully understand it. He knew that House liked the Beatles, but he didn’t know what albums that House already had acquired at home (Kutner guessed that he probably already owned all of them). Kutner supposed he probably already had several vintage editions of Grey’s Anatomy on his shelves, so that one had to be scratched out from the list as well.
He’d been in the local mall now for hours, and try though he might, he still hadn’t been able to find the just-right “perfect gift”. As closing time neared, he found himself idly wondering the isles of the mall’s only entertainment store, wondering what new video games for the PSP might spark House’s interest.
He found himself staring longingly in front of the store’s sample Wii, which was put out so that customers could try the games themselves before buying. On the screen, a demo was playing, showing him an example of the Wii version of tennis. He was tempted to play but, suddenly feeling too self-conscious, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. His mind wondered off into a dreamlike scenario where he and House (with two good legs) were on a tennis court in real-life, full-gaming mode. Much to Kutner’s surprise and delight, he was quick and agile on his feet and with his swing and won with flying colors. To celebrate his victory, House took him out to the local Ben & Jerry’s for ice-cream. They each got their favorite flavors (Kutner’s was “Karamel Sutra”, while House’s was “Magic Brownies”. It was the perfect end to a perfect day…
“Kutner? Oh wow man, is that you?!”
Kutner felt the back of his hair stand on end at the sound of the familiar voice which seemed to come out of nowhere. He swung around and found, to his shock, that he was staring straight into the eyes of none other than Dr. Jeffery Cole, who had once been a potential candidate of House’s new team.
Kutner was dumbfounded, because he hadn’t seen Cole, nor even spoken to him, in weeks. In the beginning of the mad race to win themselves a place among the new set of Fellows, he and Cole had easily become quick friends. Much like Cole, he’d been signaled out by House as different: as House did not hesitate to make it painfully clear to everyone that Cole was the only Mormon, and that Kutner was an orphan (which was true: he’d spent three years of his life in foster care, before finally being adopted by the Kutners at age nine).
While Kutner had only received soft jabs and blows to his confidence (at one point House had called him “Oliver Twist”, which he’d actually thought rather lame), Cole had been pummeled by House’s taunting relentlessly. Cole had taken the worst brunt of the group, and it soon became clear that no matter how much House would harass him, he was going to remain hell-bent on winning. So much so, that it seemed Cole cared more about winning than anything else---and, in the end, had overridden their friendship.
In the final round, House had made a bizarre request: that anyone who could fetch him “the thong of Lisa Cuddy” (who was not only House’s boss but the notorious Dean of Medicine, as well as House’s arch-nemesis), would win not only the job but the power to fire those who were not deemed fit enough to share the title along with him.
To Kutner’s amazement, Cole had somehow managed to retrieve Cuddy’s panties, and so was awarded his place in the Fellowship. He’d been overjoyed, because he was certain that Cole would have picked him immediately: as by then he and Cole were hanging out regularly on the weekends. Unfortunately, he was in for a terrible shock: because when it came time for Cole to signal out his self-proclaimed “Dunce”, his finger had fallen directly on Kutner.
When Cole said his name, an intense silence had fallen over the small gathering of remaining contestants. Everyone knew that they were friends, and House had been right upon his speculation of why Cole was suddenly stabbing Kutner in the back---“Kutner’s a liability,” House had said, “he almost set the whole building on fire.” House then explained to everyone (as Kutner tried to hide his shame) that Cole had chosen Kutner to get on Cuddy’s good side. Even though Kutner hated to admit it, it was true---he knew that he was a risk to the hospital ever since he’d used defibrillators to save a patient in an oxygen-depressed “clean room”.
Yet he’d only done what---at the time---he’d thought was right, but at the same moment that Cole turned on him, he was beginning to doubt whether he was right about anything. Cole was the first person he’d felt a kinship to in years, and he’d begun to think of them as best friends. It was impossible for him to comprehend how one day Cole could invite Kutner over to his house to bond with himself and his son Adam over Chinese food and a movie, and then turn into a selfish, back-stabbing android the next.
So, when Cole was fired as well by House himself because he’d sided with Cuddy, he had been glad. Even though he knew it sounded childish of him to think so, he believed in “what goes around, comes around” and felt that this was what Cole deserved for betraying their friendship as well as his trust.
Standing in front of Cole now, Kutner felt as though he’d walked into someone else’s dream. Cole was standing only a few feet away from him, eyes sparkling with surprise and delight, dressed incredibly well for someone who was recently fired from a low-paying job. He was wearing a fine-haired wool sweater which looked home-made, that was half-hidden beneath a puffy down jacket. Kutner couldn’t help but notice that since they’d seen each other last, Cole had trimmed his hair and looked a little bit thinner. (Probably cutting down on the take-out, Kutner thought to himself, and smiled inside with evil glee.)
“What’s the matter?” Cole was grinning as though Kutner had just shared a joke, but right then, Kutner didn’t really feel like laughing along with him. “Cat got your tongue? Aren’t you going to say hello to me?”
Kutner swallowed hard, but found that doing so was suddenly very difficult. He felt suddenly light-headed and he tried to keep himself from stumbling, struggling to find the courage within him to speak. “Uh, hell…hello,” he muttered, feeling the heat rise instantaneously up his neck, and hating himself for being so damned polite. “What are you doing here?” he asked dumbly. He noticed a bag that Cole held at his side and that the bag was from Border’s, and it had a book hidden inside.
“Christmas shopping for Adam and family,” Cole said with ease, and it was painfully obvious to Kutner that he was desperately trying to pretend as though nothing had changed between them. “You?” Cole inquired, still flashing his pearly whites, making Kutner feel an overwhelming urge to punch him right in the mouth. (Of course, he resisted the temptation, and did not---if only because he did not want the hassle of going to jail from a lawsuit.)
As Cole waited expectantly, Kutner bit his lip, wondering if he should make the time pass by confessing to Cole that he was looking for something to give House and was having a difficult time of it, but then thought better of it---because that was something that he would only share with a friend. “Just looking,” he mumbled instead, kicking himself mentally for being such a coward.
“I’m trying to get a Wii for Adam,” Cole continued to ramble on endlessly; apparently oblivious that Kutner no longer cared. “I just found out that they’re all sold out here. Do you know any stores in the area that still might have some left?”
Kutner simply stared, a million thoughts and disturbing scenarios running through the maze that was his brain, but only one question begged his immediate attention: Is he serious? He’s talking to me as if I’m his best friend. Doesn’t he remember what he did to me? Doesn’t he realize that I hate his guts?
“No,” he said finally when Cole said nothing more, because clearly Cole was not getting the message---since, sadly, he did not have telepathy. “I don’t think any of the stores have any left in stock. You’re better off just getting him a PSP with used games.” He couldn’t help noticing how much he sounded like a telephone operator for customer service, and for some reason, it made him incredibly sad.
“House has one of those, right?” Cole continued in an effort to sustain the conversation. “How’s your job going, anyway?”
Kutner couldn’t believe his ears. Was Cole that dense that he didn’t understand that once you stab someone in the back, you don’t make small talk; you don’t just stand there and go on and on about the weather? “How do you know I’m still on it?” he snapped, and then looked away sharply before his emotions got the better of him.
Cole, however, seemed not to notice---just as he hadn’t noticed that Kutner wasn’t as interested or as communicative with him as usual. “I stopped by to the hospital the other day to visit with Cuddy about recommendations…and I was curious about who was still on the team, and she told me.” Cole appeared satisfied by this announcement, for reasons beyond Kutner’s comprehension. “She told me that he’d chosen his final contestants and that the group included you, Taub, and Thirteen…who, in my opinion, is totally hot. Didn’t you tell me you thought so too? Did you ask her out yet?”
By this time, Kutner was gritting his teeth and feeling close to actually screaming, and when Cole asked the question about him asking Thirteen out on a date, he couldn’t take the tension that was building up inside of him any longer, because his throat was threatening to burst and was beginning to actually hurt. “STOP!” he demanded loudly and coldly, and Cole flinched visibly in response, before immediately falling silent.
“What’s up?” Cole inquired, much too calmly for Kutner’s taste---except for being startled by Kutner’s shout, he didn’t even appear the least bit phased by Kutner’s sudden outburst. Yet, upon further inspection Kutner could see the almost indecipherably quick rise and fall of the chest, and noticed that his eyes were growing increasingly wide with alarm.
At least now he hears me, Kutner thought. He spoke each word very slowly, making sure that he pronounced every single syllable so that his words would get their message across. “You humiliated me in front of everyone, Cole,” he said, wincing as he heard the old bitterness creep back up into his voice, and he shuddered, shutting his eyes as he continued. “We were friends, and I trusted you, and you ruined that trust. You betrayed me.”
It was actually quite a relief to be able to say this out loud. It suddenly dawned on Kutner that he’d wanted to say these words for a long time: in fact, ever since he’d walked out of the lecture hall that day that he was “fired”, turning his back on Cole as he had done on their friendship. “I went to your son’s Little League game,” he continued, though this time almost in a whisper---as it seemed he couldn’t speak louder, due to the unexpected lump in his throat. “We spent Saturday afternoons together watching television.”
He was secretly relieved to see that Cole’s head was lowered, he was staring bleakly at the ground, and that he was no longer smiling.
“I thought of you as a good friend,” Kutner confessed, feeling the weight of his sadness threatening to pull him under, but he would not allow it to do so. He stood his ground.
His heart beat like a mad drummer in his chest as he waited for Cole to reply, and when he did, it was the words that Kutner had been longing to hear---but they did not bring him the comfort that he had once hoped that they would.
“Shit…I’m so, so sorry, Kutner,” Cole sighed, and Kutner was surprised that he sounded on the verge of tears---yet when he lifted his eyes to face Kutner, there were no tears in sight. Even so, Cole’s face was soft with regret, and Kutner could see that he was sincere. “I mean it, man, I didn’t mean to hurt you like that,” Cole insisted, “It was…it just all got so…so crazy, you know?... I mean, first between House and the game, and him being an atheist and disliking me already because I was a Mormon, I knew I didn’t stand a chance and had to do anything I could…even…”
He was surprised as Cole shook his head at himself with disgust, and suddenly he wasn’t sure whether to feel resentment or pity for the man that he had, at one time, once called his friend.
“Even at the expense of your trust in me, man,” Cole muttered, grimacing in spite of his efforts to appear invulnerable, as he struggled to look Kutner in the eye. “I know I ruined everything, and…and I just hope you can try to understand…how much I really needed that job…Not just for me, but…but for my son, for his future! I needed to do it for Adam, and…and I honestly didn’t think I’d go as far as I did.”
Kutner knew that his head was in motion as he nodded, but it felt as though he were watching someone else’s head do the nodding for him. “Yeah, man,” he said, his voice sounding much stronger than he’d expected it to be. “You…you really crossed a line.”
“I know I did, Kutner,” Cole said quietly, and when their eyes met, Cole’s were bright and silently pleading, “but I was desperate.”
Kutner thought about that for a moment, letting his mind wonder to the backdrop of “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer” joyfully in the background. “So…to you, does that mean that you get off the hook?”
“Of course not, man…I told you I was sorry…I really screwed everything up….I don’t even have a new job yet, and…” Cole trailed off, looking crestfallen, and Kutner felt a sudden pang of sympathy for him that he didn’t expect to be there at all. “You like working with Taub and Thirteen?” Cole asked, seeming desperate to change the subject.
“They’re okay,” Kutner said dully, quite not sure what else to say.
Secretly, he wondered if he was only being easy on Cole because it was the holidays, and because he simply felt sorry for him. On the other hand, Cole had apologized; he wondered if maybe he should just “let bygones be bygones” as his adoptive father, Richard, always advised him to do.
Letting things go, Richard had once said, was the best way to move on…and Kutner knew that more than most, for he’d dealt with more than his fair share of tragedy at a very young age, with the death of his parents. Holding a grudge, he’d learned, didn’t do anything but keep someone stuck in the past, trying to control an angry wind whose sole purpose was trying to destroy everything in its path, while having no clear direction.
“How about I buy you a drink?” Cole asked, “and we finish our Christmas shopping together?”
“Sure…but nothing alcoholic, okay? I can’t be looking for a Christmas present for House when I’m drunk.” He was pleased when he saw the stunned look on Cole’s face, and then the wise nod that showed he fully understood why Kutner wanted to buy his boss a gift.
Kutner was surprised that he didn’t feel as resentful as he did before. Maybe it was the holiday season. Maybe it was the smiles on everyone’s faces, and the infectious sense of good cheer. Maybe it was that Cole was there trying to be his friend again, in spite of all that had happened. Whatever it was, he was glad simply to have a little company in a crowd full of strangers on a cold winter day.
“What about some dinner then?” Cole asked, smiling back at him eagerly. “We could go over to the cafeteria and get some coffee, like we used to do….I’ll pay for it. How’s that?”
Something warm in his stomach sounded very inviting. He had been walking for hours and he was getting tired and hungry. “Sure…” Kutner managed to form a weak smile. “I guess we can do that…Okay.”
“On me, bro,” Cole said, slapping him playfully on the back, as Kutner fallowed him out of the store. “On me.”
Rating: PG
Warning: Unapologetically fluffy with a little side-serving of angst.
Disclaimer: Do I sound like David Shore? I hope not, because if I do, it might mean that I have a brain problem.
A/N: Unbeta'd due to time constraints...all mistakes are mine. This was written for kutner_love's Kutner-Fest, Prompt#20: Kutner shopping for House's "Secret Santa" gift.
Lawrence Kutner had no idea that trying to buy the right Christmas present for House was, when it came down to it, an almost impossible task. (What, Kutner realized he must ask himself, do you buy an almost-over-the-hill mad genius doctor?)
He wanted to find something that would be unique to equally match House’s unique and quirkily eccentric personality; but there was far too much about House that he didn’t know, and what he did know didn’t make the job any easier.
For instance, there was House’s insatiable curiosity and endless obsession with puzzles, as well as his unflappable, childlike fixation with video games. He spoke several different languages---including Mandarin and Swahili---and this meant that Kutner could buy him any book that he wanted in these languages, and that House would probably be able to fully understand it. He knew that House liked the Beatles, but he didn’t know what albums that House already had acquired at home (Kutner guessed that he probably already owned all of them). Kutner supposed he probably already had several vintage editions of Grey’s Anatomy on his shelves, so that one had to be scratched out from the list as well.
He’d been in the local mall now for hours, and try though he might, he still hadn’t been able to find the just-right “perfect gift”. As closing time neared, he found himself idly wondering the isles of the mall’s only entertainment store, wondering what new video games for the PSP might spark House’s interest.
He found himself staring longingly in front of the store’s sample Wii, which was put out so that customers could try the games themselves before buying. On the screen, a demo was playing, showing him an example of the Wii version of tennis. He was tempted to play but, suddenly feeling too self-conscious, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. His mind wondered off into a dreamlike scenario where he and House (with two good legs) were on a tennis court in real-life, full-gaming mode. Much to Kutner’s surprise and delight, he was quick and agile on his feet and with his swing and won with flying colors. To celebrate his victory, House took him out to the local Ben & Jerry’s for ice-cream. They each got their favorite flavors (Kutner’s was “Karamel Sutra”, while House’s was “Magic Brownies”. It was the perfect end to a perfect day…
“Kutner? Oh wow man, is that you?!”
Kutner felt the back of his hair stand on end at the sound of the familiar voice which seemed to come out of nowhere. He swung around and found, to his shock, that he was staring straight into the eyes of none other than Dr. Jeffery Cole, who had once been a potential candidate of House’s new team.
Kutner was dumbfounded, because he hadn’t seen Cole, nor even spoken to him, in weeks. In the beginning of the mad race to win themselves a place among the new set of Fellows, he and Cole had easily become quick friends. Much like Cole, he’d been signaled out by House as different: as House did not hesitate to make it painfully clear to everyone that Cole was the only Mormon, and that Kutner was an orphan (which was true: he’d spent three years of his life in foster care, before finally being adopted by the Kutners at age nine).
While Kutner had only received soft jabs and blows to his confidence (at one point House had called him “Oliver Twist”, which he’d actually thought rather lame), Cole had been pummeled by House’s taunting relentlessly. Cole had taken the worst brunt of the group, and it soon became clear that no matter how much House would harass him, he was going to remain hell-bent on winning. So much so, that it seemed Cole cared more about winning than anything else---and, in the end, had overridden their friendship.
In the final round, House had made a bizarre request: that anyone who could fetch him “the thong of Lisa Cuddy” (who was not only House’s boss but the notorious Dean of Medicine, as well as House’s arch-nemesis), would win not only the job but the power to fire those who were not deemed fit enough to share the title along with him.
To Kutner’s amazement, Cole had somehow managed to retrieve Cuddy’s panties, and so was awarded his place in the Fellowship. He’d been overjoyed, because he was certain that Cole would have picked him immediately: as by then he and Cole were hanging out regularly on the weekends. Unfortunately, he was in for a terrible shock: because when it came time for Cole to signal out his self-proclaimed “Dunce”, his finger had fallen directly on Kutner.
When Cole said his name, an intense silence had fallen over the small gathering of remaining contestants. Everyone knew that they were friends, and House had been right upon his speculation of why Cole was suddenly stabbing Kutner in the back---“Kutner’s a liability,” House had said, “he almost set the whole building on fire.” House then explained to everyone (as Kutner tried to hide his shame) that Cole had chosen Kutner to get on Cuddy’s good side. Even though Kutner hated to admit it, it was true---he knew that he was a risk to the hospital ever since he’d used defibrillators to save a patient in an oxygen-depressed “clean room”.
Yet he’d only done what---at the time---he’d thought was right, but at the same moment that Cole turned on him, he was beginning to doubt whether he was right about anything. Cole was the first person he’d felt a kinship to in years, and he’d begun to think of them as best friends. It was impossible for him to comprehend how one day Cole could invite Kutner over to his house to bond with himself and his son Adam over Chinese food and a movie, and then turn into a selfish, back-stabbing android the next.
So, when Cole was fired as well by House himself because he’d sided with Cuddy, he had been glad. Even though he knew it sounded childish of him to think so, he believed in “what goes around, comes around” and felt that this was what Cole deserved for betraying their friendship as well as his trust.
Standing in front of Cole now, Kutner felt as though he’d walked into someone else’s dream. Cole was standing only a few feet away from him, eyes sparkling with surprise and delight, dressed incredibly well for someone who was recently fired from a low-paying job. He was wearing a fine-haired wool sweater which looked home-made, that was half-hidden beneath a puffy down jacket. Kutner couldn’t help but notice that since they’d seen each other last, Cole had trimmed his hair and looked a little bit thinner. (Probably cutting down on the take-out, Kutner thought to himself, and smiled inside with evil glee.)
“What’s the matter?” Cole was grinning as though Kutner had just shared a joke, but right then, Kutner didn’t really feel like laughing along with him. “Cat got your tongue? Aren’t you going to say hello to me?”
Kutner swallowed hard, but found that doing so was suddenly very difficult. He felt suddenly light-headed and he tried to keep himself from stumbling, struggling to find the courage within him to speak. “Uh, hell…hello,” he muttered, feeling the heat rise instantaneously up his neck, and hating himself for being so damned polite. “What are you doing here?” he asked dumbly. He noticed a bag that Cole held at his side and that the bag was from Border’s, and it had a book hidden inside.
“Christmas shopping for Adam and family,” Cole said with ease, and it was painfully obvious to Kutner that he was desperately trying to pretend as though nothing had changed between them. “You?” Cole inquired, still flashing his pearly whites, making Kutner feel an overwhelming urge to punch him right in the mouth. (Of course, he resisted the temptation, and did not---if only because he did not want the hassle of going to jail from a lawsuit.)
As Cole waited expectantly, Kutner bit his lip, wondering if he should make the time pass by confessing to Cole that he was looking for something to give House and was having a difficult time of it, but then thought better of it---because that was something that he would only share with a friend. “Just looking,” he mumbled instead, kicking himself mentally for being such a coward.
“I’m trying to get a Wii for Adam,” Cole continued to ramble on endlessly; apparently oblivious that Kutner no longer cared. “I just found out that they’re all sold out here. Do you know any stores in the area that still might have some left?”
Kutner simply stared, a million thoughts and disturbing scenarios running through the maze that was his brain, but only one question begged his immediate attention: Is he serious? He’s talking to me as if I’m his best friend. Doesn’t he remember what he did to me? Doesn’t he realize that I hate his guts?
“No,” he said finally when Cole said nothing more, because clearly Cole was not getting the message---since, sadly, he did not have telepathy. “I don’t think any of the stores have any left in stock. You’re better off just getting him a PSP with used games.” He couldn’t help noticing how much he sounded like a telephone operator for customer service, and for some reason, it made him incredibly sad.
“House has one of those, right?” Cole continued in an effort to sustain the conversation. “How’s your job going, anyway?”
Kutner couldn’t believe his ears. Was Cole that dense that he didn’t understand that once you stab someone in the back, you don’t make small talk; you don’t just stand there and go on and on about the weather? “How do you know I’m still on it?” he snapped, and then looked away sharply before his emotions got the better of him.
Cole, however, seemed not to notice---just as he hadn’t noticed that Kutner wasn’t as interested or as communicative with him as usual. “I stopped by to the hospital the other day to visit with Cuddy about recommendations…and I was curious about who was still on the team, and she told me.” Cole appeared satisfied by this announcement, for reasons beyond Kutner’s comprehension. “She told me that he’d chosen his final contestants and that the group included you, Taub, and Thirteen…who, in my opinion, is totally hot. Didn’t you tell me you thought so too? Did you ask her out yet?”
By this time, Kutner was gritting his teeth and feeling close to actually screaming, and when Cole asked the question about him asking Thirteen out on a date, he couldn’t take the tension that was building up inside of him any longer, because his throat was threatening to burst and was beginning to actually hurt. “STOP!” he demanded loudly and coldly, and Cole flinched visibly in response, before immediately falling silent.
“What’s up?” Cole inquired, much too calmly for Kutner’s taste---except for being startled by Kutner’s shout, he didn’t even appear the least bit phased by Kutner’s sudden outburst. Yet, upon further inspection Kutner could see the almost indecipherably quick rise and fall of the chest, and noticed that his eyes were growing increasingly wide with alarm.
At least now he hears me, Kutner thought. He spoke each word very slowly, making sure that he pronounced every single syllable so that his words would get their message across. “You humiliated me in front of everyone, Cole,” he said, wincing as he heard the old bitterness creep back up into his voice, and he shuddered, shutting his eyes as he continued. “We were friends, and I trusted you, and you ruined that trust. You betrayed me.”
It was actually quite a relief to be able to say this out loud. It suddenly dawned on Kutner that he’d wanted to say these words for a long time: in fact, ever since he’d walked out of the lecture hall that day that he was “fired”, turning his back on Cole as he had done on their friendship. “I went to your son’s Little League game,” he continued, though this time almost in a whisper---as it seemed he couldn’t speak louder, due to the unexpected lump in his throat. “We spent Saturday afternoons together watching television.”
He was secretly relieved to see that Cole’s head was lowered, he was staring bleakly at the ground, and that he was no longer smiling.
“I thought of you as a good friend,” Kutner confessed, feeling the weight of his sadness threatening to pull him under, but he would not allow it to do so. He stood his ground.
His heart beat like a mad drummer in his chest as he waited for Cole to reply, and when he did, it was the words that Kutner had been longing to hear---but they did not bring him the comfort that he had once hoped that they would.
“Shit…I’m so, so sorry, Kutner,” Cole sighed, and Kutner was surprised that he sounded on the verge of tears---yet when he lifted his eyes to face Kutner, there were no tears in sight. Even so, Cole’s face was soft with regret, and Kutner could see that he was sincere. “I mean it, man, I didn’t mean to hurt you like that,” Cole insisted, “It was…it just all got so…so crazy, you know?... I mean, first between House and the game, and him being an atheist and disliking me already because I was a Mormon, I knew I didn’t stand a chance and had to do anything I could…even…”
He was surprised as Cole shook his head at himself with disgust, and suddenly he wasn’t sure whether to feel resentment or pity for the man that he had, at one time, once called his friend.
“Even at the expense of your trust in me, man,” Cole muttered, grimacing in spite of his efforts to appear invulnerable, as he struggled to look Kutner in the eye. “I know I ruined everything, and…and I just hope you can try to understand…how much I really needed that job…Not just for me, but…but for my son, for his future! I needed to do it for Adam, and…and I honestly didn’t think I’d go as far as I did.”
Kutner knew that his head was in motion as he nodded, but it felt as though he were watching someone else’s head do the nodding for him. “Yeah, man,” he said, his voice sounding much stronger than he’d expected it to be. “You…you really crossed a line.”
“I know I did, Kutner,” Cole said quietly, and when their eyes met, Cole’s were bright and silently pleading, “but I was desperate.”
Kutner thought about that for a moment, letting his mind wonder to the backdrop of “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer” joyfully in the background. “So…to you, does that mean that you get off the hook?”
“Of course not, man…I told you I was sorry…I really screwed everything up….I don’t even have a new job yet, and…” Cole trailed off, looking crestfallen, and Kutner felt a sudden pang of sympathy for him that he didn’t expect to be there at all. “You like working with Taub and Thirteen?” Cole asked, seeming desperate to change the subject.
“They’re okay,” Kutner said dully, quite not sure what else to say.
Secretly, he wondered if he was only being easy on Cole because it was the holidays, and because he simply felt sorry for him. On the other hand, Cole had apologized; he wondered if maybe he should just “let bygones be bygones” as his adoptive father, Richard, always advised him to do.
Letting things go, Richard had once said, was the best way to move on…and Kutner knew that more than most, for he’d dealt with more than his fair share of tragedy at a very young age, with the death of his parents. Holding a grudge, he’d learned, didn’t do anything but keep someone stuck in the past, trying to control an angry wind whose sole purpose was trying to destroy everything in its path, while having no clear direction.
“How about I buy you a drink?” Cole asked, “and we finish our Christmas shopping together?”
“Sure…but nothing alcoholic, okay? I can’t be looking for a Christmas present for House when I’m drunk.” He was pleased when he saw the stunned look on Cole’s face, and then the wise nod that showed he fully understood why Kutner wanted to buy his boss a gift.
Kutner was surprised that he didn’t feel as resentful as he did before. Maybe it was the holiday season. Maybe it was the smiles on everyone’s faces, and the infectious sense of good cheer. Maybe it was that Cole was there trying to be his friend again, in spite of all that had happened. Whatever it was, he was glad simply to have a little company in a crowd full of strangers on a cold winter day.
“What about some dinner then?” Cole asked, smiling back at him eagerly. “We could go over to the cafeteria and get some coffee, like we used to do….I’ll pay for it. How’s that?”
Something warm in his stomach sounded very inviting. He had been walking for hours and he was getting tired and hungry. “Sure…” Kutner managed to form a weak smile. “I guess we can do that…Okay.”
“On me, bro,” Cole said, slapping him playfully on the back, as Kutner fallowed him out of the store. “On me.”