Like the Phoenix from the Ashes
Summary: What if Taub had been the one to check on Kutner instead?
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: None. Kutner/Taub friendship.
Spoilers: For "Simple Explanation".
Beta: Many thanks to the always amazing californiaquail for helping to bring this one to the printing press.
Disclaimer: Do I sound like David Shore? I hope not, because if I do, it might mean that I have a brain problem.
A/N: This AU Fic was written for Kutner_Love's "Kutner-Fest", Prompt# 69.: "Taub goes to check on Kutner, and is able to stop him in time."
In the dream, it’s not Thirteen or Foreman who finds Lawrence Kutner in his apartment, lying dead from a single gunshot wound to the head. Rather, it’s Chris Taub who goes to Kutner’s apartment, and is the one who winds up finding his colleague there instead.
Except, when Taub finds him, Kutner’s not dead at all. In fact, he’s actually very much alive. His haggard breathing can be heard as soon as Taub sets foot in the tiny apartment. It’s this frightening sound which leads him sprinting off towards the back bedroom, because he knows that Kutner is having an asthma attack and is in immediate need of his help. It’s in the small back bedroom where he finally locates Kutner, sitting all alone on his bed. He’s holding a black and shiny, semi-automatic 9 mm pistol in his hands.
In the dream, Kutner isn’t a brilliant, 28-year-old-doctor with an already promising career, and an even brighter future ahead of him. Instead, he’s a small and almost unrecognizable Indian child just shy of turning six years old. He’s a foster kid who has just witnessed the
brutal murders of his very own parents, watching it all unravel right in front of his eyes.
In the dream Kutner isn’t the happy-go-lucky young man that Taub knows. He doesn’t smile and laugh and crack stupid jokes, because no one in their right mind would be doing so, after enduring what he’s just experienced. Instead, he does what any sane human being would do: he breaks down and starts to sob uncontrollably.
Through his tears, Kutner confesses that he doesn’t believe he deserves to live. He hates himself for being such a coward, because he should have been able to save his parents in time. He can’t imagine the idea of living in a world without them. They’re all he knows, and without them, he’s all alone, with no one to turn to.
In the dream, Taub is the loving parent he’s always wanted to be. He kneels down in front of Kutner and, as gently as possible, asks Kutner if he can put his arms around him. Kutner blinks back at him with surprise, and at first the young boy doesn’t quite know how to react. (Taub is his colleague, and they’re not supposed to hug.)
Taub waits patiently for a response, knowing he’s not going to make a move unless Kutner gives him permission to do so. He knows that when a person is in shock and is traumatized, even a single touch can send them into full-blown hysterics. Thankfully, it seems that his presence has helped Kutner to calm down a bit over the past few minutes (though they seem like an eternity). He looks so small and vulnerable that for a moment Taub’s afraid that he might start crying himself. But even as a frog catches his throat, he knows he cannot. He knows he has to be strong, because Kutner needs him to be.
They sit like that in silence, simply staring at each other and not saying a word, for quite some time. Taub can tell from Kutner’s oscillating expression that he’s considering whether or not he can be trusted, and he hopes that he’s shown Kutner in the past that he can.
When Kutner finally omits a soft, yet simple “Okay”, Taub feels as though a huge weight has been lifted, and without hesitation, he reaches out and gently embraces the boy. He doesn’t expect Kutner to be quite so strong, as the young man throws his trembling hands around Taub’s neck, as though it were a bobbing buoy being tossed about in an angry sea.
The first thing Taub does is to remind Kutner of what, deep down, he’s certain Kutner already knows: that bad things happen to good people every day, and that he falls into the category of good. That he was only a boy when it happened and didn’t have the tools or the knowledge back then to save them; and even if he did, he probably couldn’t have saved them anyway. He reminds Kutner of the sobering fact that once a person is shot point-blank in the head, it’s all over and there’s nothing that anyone---not even the most brightest and seasoned of doctors---can do.
“But I just sat there and watched,” Kutner sobs, and with each heave of his shoulders making impact with Taub’s chest, the movement starts his heart aching just a little bit more. “I just sat there in the corner and watched like an idiot, as all the blood in their bodies completely drained out of them.”
Taub tells him that doesn’t make him an idiot; it simply means he was in shock. “Shock is very normal,” Taub says reassuringly. “It’s the body’s way of coping when under severe amounts of stress.”
“Why didn’t I just get myself right away to a phone and call 911?” Kutner moans desperately into his ear, so lost in his grief that the words can’t get through to him. “Probably because I was way too small to reach it.... Still, I could have done something else to try to save them instead. I could have run for help.”
“No one thinks straight in these kinds of situations, Kutner,” Taub tells him gently. “You were in a state of shock. Since the situation didn’t follow rational logic, your brain hadn’t yet had a chance to catch up with it. You must relieve yourself of that responsibility. Do you think you might be able to do that, Kutner?”
“NO, I-I---don’t know.” Kutner’s voice is an unfamiliar whimper when he adds, “I don’t--understand, why anyone would want to kill them, let alone hate them, in the first place…they were two of the most loving, caring people that I’ve ever known…”
“You were lucky to have had them, Kutner”, Taub says quietly, “and they were lucky to have had you, too---” And as soon as those words fade from his lips, Kutner shivers at once in his grasp: and all at once begins to sob with abandon, in only the way that a little boy can.
Each sob seems to make Kutner heavier and heavier in his grasp, to the point where Taub fears he might break in two under the weight of Kutner’s sadness. It’s the sound of someone who has lost everything they ever loved---every intimate belonging stolen from them, in the dead of night, while they were sleeping. It’s the sound of someone who has retraced their steps over and over again for millions of years---throughout the ruins of time for all eternity---but still knowing that those things will never be found again.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Kutner. You couldn’t have stopped it. Your parents would understand that, and they would tell you if they could. They would tell you like I am now, that the only one to blame is the person who killed them.”
“I can’t stop seeing their faces. Their blank eyes staring up at me. So lifeless and cold.”
“Try to think of them when they were alive, instead of when they were dead. Try to think of their loving faces looking down at you; telling you much they loved you. It might help ease the pain a bit.”
“The pain never goes away, Taub. It never, ever goes away.”
“I know, Kutner, I know.”
“It’s going to stay inside me, like a tumor slowly eating away at me, for the rest of my life…”
“It doesn’t have to be that way, Kutner. The guilt is the tumor, and you’re letting it grow.”
“I don’t believe that. I’ve tried to stop it before. It’s got a life of its own.”
“That’s just an illusion, Kutner. It’s not true.”
Kutner’s grip on Taub tightens, as though he believes that if he lets go, he’ll loose his hold with gravity and instantly float away.
“I want to believe you, Taub…I really do, but you and I both know the truth, which unfortunately is the sad fact that ‘everybody lies’.”
“I’m not lying to you, Kutner. You can trust me. Yes, it’s true that everybody lies, but not everybody lies as much as you might think they do. ”
“People can be lying to you even when they say that they’re not.”
“And a meteor could come crashing towards the Earth at any moment,ready to kill us all without us realizing it. Or I could be crossing the street tomorrow and get hit by a bus. Either way, I’m not going to waste my time in the here and now worrying about whether or not it might come true.”
“How can I trust you?!” Kutner isn’t hugging him any longer, and his face has changed into something twisted and inhuman. He’s staring at Taub as though he’s the one who’s a stranger; all the while yelling at the top of his lungs, a sound that leaves a horrible high-pitched ringing in his ears. It’s a sound which threatens to remain long after and never go away.
“You stole my diagnosis!” Kutner screams, leaping away from him at lightning speed. “You knew what you were doing was a betrayal, but you did it anyway! Because you just didn’t care! We were supposed to be friends!!”
“I know, I know, and I am SO, so sorry, Kutner.” He can’t help but be terrified now. The boy is gone. It’s only Kutner, the man, and him, and the gun. “Can you ever forgive me? I needed to---” How can he say this without sounding like a selfish prick who only thinks about himself?) “I needed to prove to House that I could do this job. He thinks I’m an idiot, you know---”
“House thinks everybody is an idiot! And you ARE an idiot because you believed him!”
“Kutner, please, you HAVE to forgive me! I’m here because I care about you, not to save my own skin. It was a really dumb thing that I did, and I promise you that it will NEVER happen again.”
“You’re not just saying that?”
“No, I’m not, and I mean it when I say I'm not. Why would I be here right now if I wasn’t?”
“I don’t know…”
A long silence that lasts for all of eternity, but one that fills him with relief, because he can tell Kutner’s thinking about it. “I guess I can try to forgive you,” Kutner says then, after a moment, “just as long as you don’t break your promise to me…”
He can’t stop the tears from falling then. “A promise is a promise. I’m still your friend, Kutner…and I don’t want you to do anything that you might regret. Please, please…Please don’t hurt yourself. It doesn’t have to end this way. You’re the only Lawrence Kutner there is, and there never will be another Lawrence Kutner again.”
By this time, Kutner appears thoroughly exhausted from all the screaming and crying he’s done, and basically exhausted from the whole conversation in general. “I think it’s time for me to wake up now,” he says, this time more calmly, and sets the gun down on the bed, at his side.
“First let me take the bullets out,” Taub orders gently, trying not to sound desperate as he holds out his open, waiting palm.
To both his surprise and relief, Kutner silently obeys and quickly hands over the gun.
As he continues to empty the bullets, they fall without sound onto the bare wooden floor---and as each one falls, the distance between them somehow expands: and Kutner begins to look smaller and smaller. Taub expects himself to be startled by this unexpected turn of events, but strangely, he isn’t, and it's the most natural thing in the world. Instead, he and Kutner’s eyes meet as it happens: and, as though they are speaking their own secret code, they both begin to smile. Even as he watches Kutner continue to grow dim in the fading light, for some reason, Taub is not afraid.
Kutner’s face is fading, but this is okay. Taub knows where he can find him, for Kutner's given him a map. He knows he'll always be able to return here again. Not only does he have an extra key, but he holds the key to Kutner’s trust. It’s right here, on this bed, in this very small room---where one day Taub knows they will meet again.
They have a pact of trust, and it's one that can't be broken, and one that will be there always. It's the contract he read in Kutner's eyes: one whose unspoken words will never be forgotten, and one that will stay with him, even long after the dream ends.
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: None. Kutner/Taub friendship.
Spoilers: For "Simple Explanation".
Beta: Many thanks to the always amazing californiaquail for helping to bring this one to the printing press.
Disclaimer: Do I sound like David Shore? I hope not, because if I do, it might mean that I have a brain problem.
A/N: This AU Fic was written for Kutner_Love's "Kutner-Fest", Prompt# 69.: "Taub goes to check on Kutner, and is able to stop him in time."
In the dream, it’s not Thirteen or Foreman who finds Lawrence Kutner in his apartment, lying dead from a single gunshot wound to the head. Rather, it’s Chris Taub who goes to Kutner’s apartment, and is the one who winds up finding his colleague there instead.
Except, when Taub finds him, Kutner’s not dead at all. In fact, he’s actually very much alive. His haggard breathing can be heard as soon as Taub sets foot in the tiny apartment. It’s this frightening sound which leads him sprinting off towards the back bedroom, because he knows that Kutner is having an asthma attack and is in immediate need of his help. It’s in the small back bedroom where he finally locates Kutner, sitting all alone on his bed. He’s holding a black and shiny, semi-automatic 9 mm pistol in his hands.
In the dream, Kutner isn’t a brilliant, 28-year-old-doctor with an already promising career, and an even brighter future ahead of him. Instead, he’s a small and almost unrecognizable Indian child just shy of turning six years old. He’s a foster kid who has just witnessed the
brutal murders of his very own parents, watching it all unravel right in front of his eyes.
In the dream Kutner isn’t the happy-go-lucky young man that Taub knows. He doesn’t smile and laugh and crack stupid jokes, because no one in their right mind would be doing so, after enduring what he’s just experienced. Instead, he does what any sane human being would do: he breaks down and starts to sob uncontrollably.
Through his tears, Kutner confesses that he doesn’t believe he deserves to live. He hates himself for being such a coward, because he should have been able to save his parents in time. He can’t imagine the idea of living in a world without them. They’re all he knows, and without them, he’s all alone, with no one to turn to.
In the dream, Taub is the loving parent he’s always wanted to be. He kneels down in front of Kutner and, as gently as possible, asks Kutner if he can put his arms around him. Kutner blinks back at him with surprise, and at first the young boy doesn’t quite know how to react. (Taub is his colleague, and they’re not supposed to hug.)
Taub waits patiently for a response, knowing he’s not going to make a move unless Kutner gives him permission to do so. He knows that when a person is in shock and is traumatized, even a single touch can send them into full-blown hysterics. Thankfully, it seems that his presence has helped Kutner to calm down a bit over the past few minutes (though they seem like an eternity). He looks so small and vulnerable that for a moment Taub’s afraid that he might start crying himself. But even as a frog catches his throat, he knows he cannot. He knows he has to be strong, because Kutner needs him to be.
They sit like that in silence, simply staring at each other and not saying a word, for quite some time. Taub can tell from Kutner’s oscillating expression that he’s considering whether or not he can be trusted, and he hopes that he’s shown Kutner in the past that he can.
When Kutner finally omits a soft, yet simple “Okay”, Taub feels as though a huge weight has been lifted, and without hesitation, he reaches out and gently embraces the boy. He doesn’t expect Kutner to be quite so strong, as the young man throws his trembling hands around Taub’s neck, as though it were a bobbing buoy being tossed about in an angry sea.
The first thing Taub does is to remind Kutner of what, deep down, he’s certain Kutner already knows: that bad things happen to good people every day, and that he falls into the category of good. That he was only a boy when it happened and didn’t have the tools or the knowledge back then to save them; and even if he did, he probably couldn’t have saved them anyway. He reminds Kutner of the sobering fact that once a person is shot point-blank in the head, it’s all over and there’s nothing that anyone---not even the most brightest and seasoned of doctors---can do.
“But I just sat there and watched,” Kutner sobs, and with each heave of his shoulders making impact with Taub’s chest, the movement starts his heart aching just a little bit more. “I just sat there in the corner and watched like an idiot, as all the blood in their bodies completely drained out of them.”
Taub tells him that doesn’t make him an idiot; it simply means he was in shock. “Shock is very normal,” Taub says reassuringly. “It’s the body’s way of coping when under severe amounts of stress.”
“Why didn’t I just get myself right away to a phone and call 911?” Kutner moans desperately into his ear, so lost in his grief that the words can’t get through to him. “Probably because I was way too small to reach it.... Still, I could have done something else to try to save them instead. I could have run for help.”
“No one thinks straight in these kinds of situations, Kutner,” Taub tells him gently. “You were in a state of shock. Since the situation didn’t follow rational logic, your brain hadn’t yet had a chance to catch up with it. You must relieve yourself of that responsibility. Do you think you might be able to do that, Kutner?”
“NO, I-I---don’t know.” Kutner’s voice is an unfamiliar whimper when he adds, “I don’t--understand, why anyone would want to kill them, let alone hate them, in the first place…they were two of the most loving, caring people that I’ve ever known…”
“You were lucky to have had them, Kutner”, Taub says quietly, “and they were lucky to have had you, too---” And as soon as those words fade from his lips, Kutner shivers at once in his grasp: and all at once begins to sob with abandon, in only the way that a little boy can.
Each sob seems to make Kutner heavier and heavier in his grasp, to the point where Taub fears he might break in two under the weight of Kutner’s sadness. It’s the sound of someone who has lost everything they ever loved---every intimate belonging stolen from them, in the dead of night, while they were sleeping. It’s the sound of someone who has retraced their steps over and over again for millions of years---throughout the ruins of time for all eternity---but still knowing that those things will never be found again.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Kutner. You couldn’t have stopped it. Your parents would understand that, and they would tell you if they could. They would tell you like I am now, that the only one to blame is the person who killed them.”
“I can’t stop seeing their faces. Their blank eyes staring up at me. So lifeless and cold.”
“Try to think of them when they were alive, instead of when they were dead. Try to think of their loving faces looking down at you; telling you much they loved you. It might help ease the pain a bit.”
“The pain never goes away, Taub. It never, ever goes away.”
“I know, Kutner, I know.”
“It’s going to stay inside me, like a tumor slowly eating away at me, for the rest of my life…”
“It doesn’t have to be that way, Kutner. The guilt is the tumor, and you’re letting it grow.”
“I don’t believe that. I’ve tried to stop it before. It’s got a life of its own.”
“That’s just an illusion, Kutner. It’s not true.”
Kutner’s grip on Taub tightens, as though he believes that if he lets go, he’ll loose his hold with gravity and instantly float away.
“I want to believe you, Taub…I really do, but you and I both know the truth, which unfortunately is the sad fact that ‘everybody lies’.”
“I’m not lying to you, Kutner. You can trust me. Yes, it’s true that everybody lies, but not everybody lies as much as you might think they do. ”
“People can be lying to you even when they say that they’re not.”
“And a meteor could come crashing towards the Earth at any moment,ready to kill us all without us realizing it. Or I could be crossing the street tomorrow and get hit by a bus. Either way, I’m not going to waste my time in the here and now worrying about whether or not it might come true.”
“How can I trust you?!” Kutner isn’t hugging him any longer, and his face has changed into something twisted and inhuman. He’s staring at Taub as though he’s the one who’s a stranger; all the while yelling at the top of his lungs, a sound that leaves a horrible high-pitched ringing in his ears. It’s a sound which threatens to remain long after and never go away.
“You stole my diagnosis!” Kutner screams, leaping away from him at lightning speed. “You knew what you were doing was a betrayal, but you did it anyway! Because you just didn’t care! We were supposed to be friends!!”
“I know, I know, and I am SO, so sorry, Kutner.” He can’t help but be terrified now. The boy is gone. It’s only Kutner, the man, and him, and the gun. “Can you ever forgive me? I needed to---” How can he say this without sounding like a selfish prick who only thinks about himself?) “I needed to prove to House that I could do this job. He thinks I’m an idiot, you know---”
“House thinks everybody is an idiot! And you ARE an idiot because you believed him!”
“Kutner, please, you HAVE to forgive me! I’m here because I care about you, not to save my own skin. It was a really dumb thing that I did, and I promise you that it will NEVER happen again.”
“You’re not just saying that?”
“No, I’m not, and I mean it when I say I'm not. Why would I be here right now if I wasn’t?”
“I don’t know…”
A long silence that lasts for all of eternity, but one that fills him with relief, because he can tell Kutner’s thinking about it. “I guess I can try to forgive you,” Kutner says then, after a moment, “just as long as you don’t break your promise to me…”
He can’t stop the tears from falling then. “A promise is a promise. I’m still your friend, Kutner…and I don’t want you to do anything that you might regret. Please, please…Please don’t hurt yourself. It doesn’t have to end this way. You’re the only Lawrence Kutner there is, and there never will be another Lawrence Kutner again.”
By this time, Kutner appears thoroughly exhausted from all the screaming and crying he’s done, and basically exhausted from the whole conversation in general. “I think it’s time for me to wake up now,” he says, this time more calmly, and sets the gun down on the bed, at his side.
“First let me take the bullets out,” Taub orders gently, trying not to sound desperate as he holds out his open, waiting palm.
To both his surprise and relief, Kutner silently obeys and quickly hands over the gun.
As he continues to empty the bullets, they fall without sound onto the bare wooden floor---and as each one falls, the distance between them somehow expands: and Kutner begins to look smaller and smaller. Taub expects himself to be startled by this unexpected turn of events, but strangely, he isn’t, and it's the most natural thing in the world. Instead, he and Kutner’s eyes meet as it happens: and, as though they are speaking their own secret code, they both begin to smile. Even as he watches Kutner continue to grow dim in the fading light, for some reason, Taub is not afraid.
Kutner’s face is fading, but this is okay. Taub knows where he can find him, for Kutner's given him a map. He knows he'll always be able to return here again. Not only does he have an extra key, but he holds the key to Kutner’s trust. It’s right here, on this bed, in this very small room---where one day Taub knows they will meet again.
They have a pact of trust, and it's one that can't be broken, and one that will be there always. It's the contract he read in Kutner's eyes: one whose unspoken words will never be forgotten, and one that will stay with him, even long after the dream ends.