As if things weren't complicated enough...
Out last night with Pippa and Kerry. We were just out for drinks, went to Firebug, and then I saw Bryan. Made my presence known by slapping him about the head.
We argued a bit. Which is to say, I shouted at him and he took it.
His ex girlfriend turned up and claimed to be pregnant with his child. He knows how badly I want children, and how happy I would have been if my children were his. He chose not to abandon her, or to pull me in to the mess. He chose not to tell me because he knew how hurt I would be if she had been telling the truth. He therefore chose to end contact with me until things were sorted out. It took 6 weeks to sort things, at which point he felt it would have been unfair to call me up out of the blue and expect me to be waiting for him. He told me nothing of what happened was my fault. I agreed with him, for I am aware that I did nothing blameworthy.
I don't know exactly which 6 weeks these were. His ex turned out to be lying but I don't know if that's she was lying about being pregnant or lying about the child being his. He intends to come over this afternoon to talk. I want to ask him exactly what 6 weeks we were dealing with. I want to know how she was lying, and whether she was pregnant at all. I want to know how far along she said she was, and whether that could be true. Was he sleeping with her when he was seeing me? I want to know what he feels towards me. I want to know what he hopes to achieve by seeing me today. I want to know what he's doing with his life now, to ask him whether his mum got married yet or if that's still in the planning stages and how the kids are and his brother and his sisters and their respective partners. I want to know where he's living now - in Leicester he said, but where? I want to make it very clear to him that I cannot be friends with him. I can be his girlfriend, I can be his wife, I can be the mother of his children, but I can never be his friend because it kills me, it just rips me up inside, when I hear that he's with someone else.
Here's the big thing. Jon. We've been seeing each other three months, I've been falling in love with him and have resisted telling him that because I didn't know how he would react. I know he cares about me. I know this from his actions. I also know that he does not want children...and I do. He knows this, he's known since our first date because I talk too damn much. I was thinking of ending things with him anyway, either before Christmas or after his birthday in January, before we both get too attached. I could stay with him and be happy, to a point, but there would always be an absense in my heart where a child should be. We're also both pretty settled where we are, I've been in my job 6 years and he's been in his 10. If we are to end I think I will be the one doing the ending. I will do it to his face, and I will travel to him to do it.
I can't just break up with Jon and go out with Bryan. I need time out between the two. I need time between ending one relationship and beginning another. I will be widely criticised by well-meaning friends if I go out with Bryan again. I won't do things all on his terms again. I am stronger now than I ever been while I've been in contact with him. I won't just be content with the scraps from his table any more. He will let me be on his friends list on facebook. He will return my calls and texts. I don't expect him to email me because he never in his life has. I won't change my plans to fit his schedule if he isn't willing to do the same for me. If he wants anything to do with me, he will work to regain my trust.
My life is never simple. And it had to happen this week, the worst week of the entire year for me because it's mum's week.
Bryan has always been the big love and the big loss. Everyone I have dated since has been compared to him. No-one has been quite as perfect for me as he was. Some have come close, I thought. None of them have been him.
We argued a bit. Which is to say, I shouted at him and he took it.
His ex girlfriend turned up and claimed to be pregnant with his child. He knows how badly I want children, and how happy I would have been if my children were his. He chose not to abandon her, or to pull me in to the mess. He chose not to tell me because he knew how hurt I would be if she had been telling the truth. He therefore chose to end contact with me until things were sorted out. It took 6 weeks to sort things, at which point he felt it would have been unfair to call me up out of the blue and expect me to be waiting for him. He told me nothing of what happened was my fault. I agreed with him, for I am aware that I did nothing blameworthy.
I don't know exactly which 6 weeks these were. His ex turned out to be lying but I don't know if that's she was lying about being pregnant or lying about the child being his. He intends to come over this afternoon to talk. I want to ask him exactly what 6 weeks we were dealing with. I want to know how she was lying, and whether she was pregnant at all. I want to know how far along she said she was, and whether that could be true. Was he sleeping with her when he was seeing me? I want to know what he feels towards me. I want to know what he hopes to achieve by seeing me today. I want to know what he's doing with his life now, to ask him whether his mum got married yet or if that's still in the planning stages and how the kids are and his brother and his sisters and their respective partners. I want to know where he's living now - in Leicester he said, but where? I want to make it very clear to him that I cannot be friends with him. I can be his girlfriend, I can be his wife, I can be the mother of his children, but I can never be his friend because it kills me, it just rips me up inside, when I hear that he's with someone else.
Here's the big thing. Jon. We've been seeing each other three months, I've been falling in love with him and have resisted telling him that because I didn't know how he would react. I know he cares about me. I know this from his actions. I also know that he does not want children...and I do. He knows this, he's known since our first date because I talk too damn much. I was thinking of ending things with him anyway, either before Christmas or after his birthday in January, before we both get too attached. I could stay with him and be happy, to a point, but there would always be an absense in my heart where a child should be. We're also both pretty settled where we are, I've been in my job 6 years and he's been in his 10. If we are to end I think I will be the one doing the ending. I will do it to his face, and I will travel to him to do it.
I can't just break up with Jon and go out with Bryan. I need time out between the two. I need time between ending one relationship and beginning another. I will be widely criticised by well-meaning friends if I go out with Bryan again. I won't do things all on his terms again. I am stronger now than I ever been while I've been in contact with him. I won't just be content with the scraps from his table any more. He will let me be on his friends list on facebook. He will return my calls and texts. I don't expect him to email me because he never in his life has. I won't change my plans to fit his schedule if he isn't willing to do the same for me. If he wants anything to do with me, he will work to regain my trust.
My life is never simple. And it had to happen this week, the worst week of the entire year for me because it's mum's week.
Bryan has always been the big love and the big loss. Everyone I have dated since has been compared to him. No-one has been quite as perfect for me as he was. Some have come close, I thought. None of them have been him.