BeHiNd SoMe PeOpLeS SmiLeS...ThErEs A BrOkEn HeArT
FrOm ThE BoTToM Of My BrOkEn HeArT
~ThErEs JuST A ThInG Or TwO I'd LiKe YoU To KnOw~
YoU WeRe My FiRsT LoVe. . . . .
YoU WeRe My TRUE LoVe......
FrOm ThE FiRsT KiSsES To ThE VeRy LaST RoSe
FrOm ThE BoTToM Of My BrOkEn HeArT
EvEn THoUgH TiMe MaY FiNd Me SomEonE NeW...
YoU WeRe My ReAL LoVe
I NeVeR KnEw LoVe TiL ThErE WaS YoU
FrOm ThE BoTToM Of My BrOkEn HeArT....
~Britney Spears~
I haven't written awhile. I suppose I've been depressed. I am angry. VERY ANGRY lately and I'm trying very hard to learn to deal with that anger. I like being at work, now more than ever...because it keeps me distracted and what not. I work every single day...oh, except Saturday's. All my boys drive me crazy all day at work so I'm always laughing...somehow forgetting the pain I really feel inside. It's all part of a game I suppose. But to be honest, so far I'm losing.
I'm so lost lately. My heart is so broken. I am so alone. I didn't understand...I still don't understand...How the hell did we end up like this? Where did I go wrong? Where did we lose ourselves? Why are things the way they are right now? I have so many questions so completely unanswered. I'm hurting so badly inside. WHY didn't he want to be with me?! WHY didn't he want to see me!?! Always SOMETHING had to come up...ALWAYS......Breaks my heart to think they were just excuses all along........And maybe I was lied to from the start.......
...All alone on a Sunday morning...
Outside I see the rain is falling
. . .Inside I'm slowly dying. . .
But the rain will hide my crying
And you don't know my tears
Cause I'm tired of the lies
All I needed was a *simple "Hello"*
But the traffic was so noisy that you could not hear me cry
I...I gave you my love in vain
My body never knew such pleasure
My heart never knew such pain
And you...You leave me so confused
...Now I'm all cried out...
....over you....
~Allure &112~
All I do is cry. I think I am more depressed now than I was 7 months ago. And I had SOO much shit going on in my life 7 months ago. I just wish I could go back in time. I would do so many things so differently. In other words, I wouldn't be where I am now. Who the fuck am I now anyways? What the fuck and how the fuck did I get into the situations I am in now. I have recently decided God really hates me. There is no way in fucking hell if he loved me he'd do this shit to me. Because it has fucked up my head SOOOO bad that I seriously need to see a psychiatrist now. It bothers the shit out of me that one girl could fuck up my head that bad. Stupid fucking bitch. I hope she dies...and I am not that mean to anyone. AT ALL. That is not me. But I have never seriously been fucked with so bad in my entire life. It makes me SICK to think about it. I cry more over the situation than the fact that me and Rob are broken up.
On a lighter note...I'm slowly picking up the pieces of my broken heart. I guess it took me awhile to realize it was *I* who had to get on my knees and gather them up on my own, alone. I had a very hard time accepting being independent again. When me and Rob started to go out, I was still very independent. At times I think it bothered him more than anything in the world because I was so stubborn and so "I can do it myself". But slowly, as the relationship got stronger and me and him got closer...I started to slowly detach myself from that independence. Then, out of no where, I realized...I was dependent. And not just on everyone and anyone..it was ONLY him. Now that I've lost him, I feel very very lost myself. I feel like I don't know what to do anymore with myself. He always did everything for me. He always fixed all my mistakes...always took away all my pain...always made me smile...always made me believe in myself...He forced me to care in a way I should have all along. And I suppose that's all well and good...but now that I don't have him as my boyfriend...I have forgotten how to fix my own mistakes, I have forgotten how to make the pain go away, I don't remember how to make myself smile anymore...and worst of all...I don't know what it's like to care about myself. It is as if, when I lost him...I lost myself...
I'm at the point where I don't know what I'm doing. I really wish I had someone to save me. I think I'm broken for good, or at least that is how it feels. I hate the way I cry...ALL the time...I guess it's a mixture of things. It's not the fact me and Rob broke up that makes me cry so bad...it's other things. I feel so alone because I can't even tell anyone what has been going on with me for about 3 months now. No one knows, and it's so painful to think I'm completely alone in it. No one realizes that it is something I can't really tell anyone...Something that I guess I have no choice but to be alone in..
Here I am again
And I'm staring at these same four walls again
...Alone again...
And now all the colors blend
And I'm growing numb
And I've become this empty page
Hold on, it's tragic, stumbling thru all this static
I just wanna talk to you
And my broken heart just has no use
And I....I guess promises are better left unsaid...
~Ashlee Simpson~
I'm trying really hard to accept certain things in my life. "Looking at it from a different point of view", as my parents often tell me, has not helped me one bit. It's still all sick and twisted in my head. If people only saw behind my smile. If someone would recognize my broken heart. If anyone could see that its hard for me to even wake up every morning...You know something is wrong when your first thought in the morning isn't "Ah, I LOVE HIM!"...it's "shit, I'm still here..."
...SoMeOnE SaVe Me...
*J*
Current Thought On My Mind: ...help me pick myself back up off the ground...save me in a way I know I can't do myself...be the guy I fell in love with months ago....hold my hand and take me back to the start.... :'(
Random Quote: "I'll try to kiss you if you let me....This can't be the end....." ~Blink 182~