(no subject)
Sometimes I wonder if I'm kidding myself.
If the excuses I make up, for my laziness, unproductiveness, and lack of direction, are excuses that I'm starting to believe myself.
I used to lie so much, I'd sometimes start to believe it. It's probably why I'm so dogmatic.
But so many things now, have these concrete reasons attached to them.
I didnt go to church, because they preeched that God was 'everywhere' so why should i?
I dropped out of uni, and if you asked me what I was doing with my life, I'd dabble off about this circus and that trip around the world, because they sound adventurous. They sound like worthwhile reasons not to have the conventional life planned out. But I dont have anything planned out. I'll get back from my holiday, and come back to what?
Two uni degrees that I don't want to do. One that I want to do right now, but I will probably pike out again when I see the effort involved in applying.
And this club idea, that hadn't occurred to me until two lines ago, so how set is that? Am I just "D) ALL OF THE ABOVE" for "Reasons why you shouldn't bother opening a nightclub.
And now.
I keep taking the blows with you, telling myself rollercoasters are up and down, and I wouldnt have it any other way. But how true is that? How many times have I said it, since it was one too many from genuinely knowing its a lie. Am I just another punch drunk girl, completely blindfolded and fooled? Can everyone on the outside see exactly what I cant? Do they think deep down, just open your eyes and look around you? Should I?
I'm not sure this is how its supposed to work. Im not sure if its my fault, or anyones.. But I can't help it.
I can see in myself that I'm paranoid, untrusting, and possessive. But maybe those are just the bad days.
I'm going through another quarter life crisis. Or maybe thats what I call the windows of realisation when I look around and remember that this isnt what I dreamed.
Even though, as a child, I was a superstar, I was a world famous performer, I was in the circus, I had my penthouse, with my rolly dog, and a husband who was a best friend, and the man who swept me off my feet. Even though I was idealistic.. I dreamt for more than this.
And more than just the completion of several abandoned projects.
Another note: I wont be around for Circus. Hopefully I'll be back in time to watch the production, I'd hate to miss it.
Copped an amusing email from my dad, about his views on marriage and pregnancy. Came completely out of nowhere. But, later, it erupted into an argument where his side consisted of "All I was trying to do, was put forth my views because I dont get to be there at the dinner table 365 days a week, due to various circumstances, and I want to make sure you know how I feel on particular subjects before anything happens." And My side consisted of "Well thank you for encapsulating years of missed parenting, and decades of anticipated missed parenting into a three point email."
Today was going so well... I almost thought I had picked myself up out of the slump I was in.
If the excuses I make up, for my laziness, unproductiveness, and lack of direction, are excuses that I'm starting to believe myself.
I used to lie so much, I'd sometimes start to believe it. It's probably why I'm so dogmatic.
But so many things now, have these concrete reasons attached to them.
I didnt go to church, because they preeched that God was 'everywhere' so why should i?
I dropped out of uni, and if you asked me what I was doing with my life, I'd dabble off about this circus and that trip around the world, because they sound adventurous. They sound like worthwhile reasons not to have the conventional life planned out. But I dont have anything planned out. I'll get back from my holiday, and come back to what?
Two uni degrees that I don't want to do. One that I want to do right now, but I will probably pike out again when I see the effort involved in applying.
And this club idea, that hadn't occurred to me until two lines ago, so how set is that? Am I just "D) ALL OF THE ABOVE" for "Reasons why you shouldn't bother opening a nightclub.
And now.
I keep taking the blows with you, telling myself rollercoasters are up and down, and I wouldnt have it any other way. But how true is that? How many times have I said it, since it was one too many from genuinely knowing its a lie. Am I just another punch drunk girl, completely blindfolded and fooled? Can everyone on the outside see exactly what I cant? Do they think deep down, just open your eyes and look around you? Should I?
I'm not sure this is how its supposed to work. Im not sure if its my fault, or anyones.. But I can't help it.
I can see in myself that I'm paranoid, untrusting, and possessive. But maybe those are just the bad days.
I'm going through another quarter life crisis. Or maybe thats what I call the windows of realisation when I look around and remember that this isnt what I dreamed.
Even though, as a child, I was a superstar, I was a world famous performer, I was in the circus, I had my penthouse, with my rolly dog, and a husband who was a best friend, and the man who swept me off my feet. Even though I was idealistic.. I dreamt for more than this.
And more than just the completion of several abandoned projects.
Another note: I wont be around for Circus. Hopefully I'll be back in time to watch the production, I'd hate to miss it.
Copped an amusing email from my dad, about his views on marriage and pregnancy. Came completely out of nowhere. But, later, it erupted into an argument where his side consisted of "All I was trying to do, was put forth my views because I dont get to be there at the dinner table 365 days a week, due to various circumstances, and I want to make sure you know how I feel on particular subjects before anything happens." And My side consisted of "Well thank you for encapsulating years of missed parenting, and decades of anticipated missed parenting into a three point email."
Today was going so well... I almost thought I had picked myself up out of the slump I was in.